Question for all of you...

[HopefulOne]

What does it mean when a guy says he needs time to think and figure things out? Saying I am tired of always being in trouble and I want to sort things out and figure out why they keep happening? Then says it's nothing I did... What does that sound like to you?

[IpAncA]

Are you still with the same guy?

[Trialbyfire]

I'm sorry to say this but it sounds like a gentle way of saying "we're not compatible".

[HopefulOne]

Are you still with the same guy?

 

Hi there IpAncA... Good to know you are still around.. I have been very busy lately with work and stuff but now things have slowed down and I am getting back to norm.. and yes I am still dating the same guy... Lots ot talks, lots of honesty but now once again...

[IpAncA]

Thanks. Yeah I'm still around. Not a lot but around.

 

Lots ot talks, lots of honesty but now once again...

 

Same old sh*t different day. <----I'm assuming that.

 

So, did you ever find out if he was hiding anything. I remember you saying something about how you weren't allowed to look at his stuff (planner)?

 

Sorry your still going through this. How come your still with him? Doesn't sound like anything has moved along. Have you two sat down and talked about this?

[HopefulOne]

Thanks. Yeah I'm still around. Not a lot but around.

 

 

 

Same old sh*t different day. <----I'm assuming that.

 

So, did you ever find out if he was hiding anything. I remember you saying something about how you weren't allowed to look at his stuff (planner)?

 

Sorry your still going through this. How come your still with him? Doesn't sound like anything has moved along. Have you two sat down and talked about this?

 

Yeah, same **** different year We did have a long talk... and I was very honest... nicely but very honest... one minute he says he knows he wants me in his life.. the next he needs time to figure out himself.. which we know he has done many times in the past year. For months at a time.. I am getting to the point where it doesn't matter anymore.. maybe that's a good thing... We had a talk about 4 days before he said what he recently said in my question... I just don't know..

 

[IpAncA]

It's time to REALLY think if this guy is worth all the drama you've gone through.

 

If he needs time to figure things out then so be it. But you shouldn't have to be strung along like this.

[HopefulOne]

It's time to REALLY think if this guy is worth all the drama you've gone through.

 

If he needs time to figure things out then so be it. But you shouldn't have to be strung along like this.

 

I agree with you... and he told me all this via text, said he couldn't talk because he needed to clear his head and that he wasn't trying to hurt me. I asked him how long he needed and he said he doesn't know.

[IpAncA]

He's still doing the text thing? Ahhh.....

 

Do you think he would agree to a more casual realtionship? This way he can work out whatever is in his brain (sorry) and you can date other people.

 

Personally I would dump the guy because he's hold you back, and stringing you along.

 

I'm sure you have more important things to worry about.

[HopefulOne]

He's still doing the text thing? Ahhh.....

 

Do you think he would agree to a more casual realtionship? This way he can work out whatever is in his brain (sorry) and you can date other people.

 

Personally I would dump the guy because he's hold you back, and stringing you along.

 

I'm sure you have more important things to worry about.

 

When we had talked before he said this, I had asked him if he thought maybe we should see other people - he said no, he didn't want anyone else but if you ask me as I said to him he doesn't really seem to want me either and I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who didn't want the same things out of life that I do. I used his words when we first started dating - I don't want to waste my time or yours because we are not spring chickens ... His face went WHITE... Then he mentioned that we should talk about children which we have many times, so I said okay let's talk about it and he couldn't give a definitive answer ( thought it strange that he brought it up but couldn't really tell me what he thought)..

 

[dropdeadlegs]

HopefulOne, it sounds like the same song and dance. It seems like he has to routinely distance himself in one way or another. Is he still doing the crazy "talk to me when I say so, but I'll talk to you when I feel like it?" That was a few months ago, but I'm wondering if his communication skills are any better, if he's working on improvement. And is this still a LDR?

[HopefulOne]

HopefulOne, it sounds like the same song and dance. It seems like he has to routinely distance himself in one way or another. Is he still doing the crazy "talk to me when I say so, but I'll talk to you when I feel like it?" That was a few months ago, but I'm wondering if his communication skills are any better, if he's working on improvement. And is this still a LDR?

 

Yes, he is doing the talk to me when I say so stuff again, he seemed better for a couple of months after my telling him how much it bothered me but back to the same old. Which is currently what he is doing. This all started about two weeks ago again. He just texted one night and said what he said in my original question. The night before he had asked me if I wanted to go on his trip with him then boom.

 

He tells me that I ask too many questions, like why his phone is attached to his hip and why he takes it into the bathroom with it. One day I asked if I could see it as I was fixing something on it for him and so I was looking and the text log ( he was right there) and he snatched it out of my hands saying that was his own personal stuff and he didn't think that was right that I look at his stuff.

 

Yes, still LDR which was another thing I brought up. It's been about a year since he moved.

[dropdeadlegs]

I guess the thing I don't fully understand (and you may not have any insight either) is why he needs to withdraw and distance himself emotionally when you already have the geographical distance. You spends days and days apart as it is.

 

I'm trying to remember all the details of the thread when he didn't speak to you for days, or weeks. After the police pulling you over incident. Didn't he end up saying that he thought he needed some counseling or something? That he felt like , or recognized, that there is something "different" or even "wrong" in how he thinks/feels? Maybe I'm thinking of somebody else's story.

 

Well, I'm happy that things got better, but without him addressing why he continues to behave in this manner, I think you are in for the same cycles over and over. You seem so level headed, and he comes off as rather strange indeed. I keep wondering if he is leading a double life of some kind. I do think that text logs and call logs are private, but I wouldn't be bothered if my BF wanted to read them, as I have nothing of special interest in there anyway. Certainly nothing I wouldn't want him to see. If I did, I think I would be smart enough to delete that kind of info permanently.

 

Something just hasn't felt right since I have been in on your story.

[HopefulOne]

I guess the thing I don't fully understand (and you may not have any insight either) is why he needs to withdraw and distance himself emotionally when you already have the geographical distance. You spends days and days apart as it is.

 

I'm trying to remember all the details of the thread when he didn't speak to you for days, or weeks. After the police pulling you over incident. Didn't he end up saying that he thought he needed some counseling or something? That he felt like , or recognized, that there is something "different" or even "wrong" in how he thinks/feels? Maybe I'm thinking of somebody else's story.

 

Well, I'm happy that things got better, but without him addressing why he continues to behave in this manner, I think you are in for the same cycles over and over. You seem so level headed, and he comes off as rather strange indeed. I keep wondering if he is leading a double life of some kind. I do think that text logs and call logs are private, but I wouldn't be bothered if my BF wanted to read them, as I have nothing of special interest in there anyway. Certainly nothing I wouldn't want him to see. If I did, I think I would be smart enough to delete that kind of info permanently.

 

Something just hasn't felt right since I have been in on your story.

 

I basically asked him that in a text when he told me that he needed to figure things out. I said we are far enough away from each other, he said yeah so.. and yes, you are thinking of the correct story. He has said that he has issues and that he was dealing with them but now once again we are back to square one, I suppose at least this time he didn't just dissappear into the wild blue yonder and not say anything. As for the phone, I agree it is private and if he didn't keep it glued to his side and take it into the bathroom with him everytime, all the time. I wouldn't think much of it but he is constantly texting and turns the ringer off and flips the phone over so I can't see it ... I leave my phone laying around all the time, I wouldn't think twice if he looked at it. He said this to a little ahwile back, you shouldn't have to check someone's phone and I said I agree, he said quote " If I thought you were doing something behind my back, I wouldn't look at your phone and honestly I don't know if I would want to know because then I would have to make a decision"...

 

This last time I saw him I asked him about the phone again because he came home from work got changed picked up his phone and went to the bathroom. I asked him why he had to do that, he said I was expecting a call and I said would you really answer a work call while you were going to the bathroom and he said no but I meant text. Then he said I have always been this way and it's who I am and I am going to continue to do it, I am not gonna change, so stop trying to change me. I said fair enough.

 

Maybe I do make him feel like a peice of crap, always asking questions but honestly, some of the things he does and says and things about his life, I think I have the right to ask questions. He says it isn't me though, so who knows. The last couple of times we have been together we have fought about various things. I myself can that something needs to change and needs to be sorted out as I don't like always fighting.. It makes you feel horrible and put the distance on that and it's very painful.

 

I told him that I would give him his time and that I understand that he is upset and that I will respect his needs/space. I really want to do that but I don't feel that you just go away and ignore the person for weeks or months at a time, maybe it's his way off breaking up with me this time or maybe HE DOES REALLY HAVE A DOUBLE LIFE!!!

 

UGH:sick:

[dropdeadlegs]

Take anything I say with a grain of salt as I surely don't have all the relationship dynamics at hand, but here's my take on this guy and you, too.

 

There is nothing wrong with asking questions. Him turning them around like you have a problem is bothersome to me, ie: red flag. I think that you ask questions because he sits on a seesaw where you are concerned. One day he's "up" with you, the next day he is down. It's gotta make you wonder, and I don't think that you are crazy for doing so. The guarding of the phone gives the appearance that he is hiding something in there. You sound pretty normal, and he sounds unable to truly commit, and he withdraws when things get the least bit uncomfortable.

 

I know that in a LDR that emails and texts are cheaper ways of communicating, and necessary. Still, I would suggest that important topics involving the relationship not be handled by text or email. Phone is the best you have, but at least the phone allows the tone of voice aspect. Texts and emails often sound very different without having the tone of voice (joking, perturbed, downright confused, etc.) In a perfect world all discussions of that nature would be in person, but in a LDR that is impossible.

 

Have you considered that this could be how this relationship could go on eternally? I mean the withdrawing, not the long distance. If you are seeing this repeated in a cyclical fashion, I see no reason to think he will suddenly change. Even with counseling it could take a long time, and he doesn't seem to be pursuing that. Maybe it's time to cut your losses. I think you deserve to be happier than he makes you. It seems like you have accepted more than many girlfriends would. It's hard to break up, but maybe you should consider it. You could have six more months of the same, or in six months you may find someone more suitable.

[HopefulOne]

Thanks you dropdeadlegs for your very kind words a great advice.

 

You know what even stranger, is when we had our talk last time we saw each other, he said ( well it's not the first time) that He doesn't think he is worthy of me or should I say that he thinks I deserve better and why would I want to be with him. I told him that he does make me happy and I do want to be with him and he needed to stop thinking that way about himself and that if that's what he really does think, he can always step up to plate and be that man that he wants to be. What else can I say to that kind of comment.

 

I think sometimes that he has very deep seated issues and also may be a very selfish person. He did say in his text, that he needed to worry about him and figure out who he is and not fight. I asked him the last time I saw him, I asked him if he thought about a future with me as he has mentioned before and he asked me back the same without answering. Then I told him I did and he said yes he does but women and men think differently and that he takes things day by day and doesn't think that far ahead. Yes, men and women do think and behave differently, true. However, if you don't know if you want to have future with someone, why be with them and for that long? I am tired of crying, I am tired of feeling like I am left to wait, I do not feel like we are team or for that even a couple who can cope with problems as they arise. I trusted him and I know at this point he doesn't think I do but I have explained that these ignoring and going away does not help me trust him, it makes it worse.

 

I want a man who wants to be with me, who cares about me as person, who doesn't hide his life. I derserve that. Who doesn't just say things, he does them... Actions... Actions... Actions...

[IpAncA]

I want a man who wants to be with me, who cares about me as person, who doesn't hide his life. I derserve that. Who doesn't just say things, he does them... Actions... Actions... Actions...

 

There you go.

 

And your still with this guy because?

[dropdeadlegs]

Indeed you do deserve to be treated with respectful actions, and not just words. You're saying it, but are you really hearing yourself, and believing yourself?

 

The fact that he can see that he is unworthy of you (and he is unworthy of you, IMO ) is good only if he does what you suggested, and become the man who is worthy of your attention. If he isn't taking those actions, I do worry about your happiness. I've seen quite a bit of your unhappiness through the last few months.

 

I think he does have some deep seated issues, but if your love hasn't helped him through them yet, I think he needs more "professional" help. Love can help some of the "just below the surface" things within a person, but it can only go so far. Trust and intimacy barriers are very hard to break through.

[HopefulOne]

Okay... this isn't good... My gut today told me something is up... I never call his office ever. I did today and they told me he was on vacation and won't be back till next week. He texted me all last week up until saturday. Now he has dissappeared once again. I think I am going to throw up...

[nicki]

Aw, HopefulOne, I'm sorry.

 

Did he even tell you he was going on vacation? Huge red flag if he didn't.

 

I've had a boyfriend say EXACTLY what yours said to you. It was utterly confusing to me, as I'm sure it is to you. It defied logic. If you are already apart, what time does one need? Our relationship limped along for a while, but ultimately I felt something was up. I had to get away from him.

 

I think he may be trying to have YOU break up with HIM so he doesn't have to be the bad guy, or take any responsibility for the relationship. (My guy said the same thing, too, about not being worthy of me. He was right!)

 

Even if he isn't wanting to break up, he is basically telling you that this is the way it is and that you deserve better.

 

And you really do. You are already long distance. My advice is to go out with someone else and see what else is out there. Don't sleep with him anymore.

 

Use the same bullsh*t language on him that he uses on you. Tell him that you are "confused," etc.

 

Distance yourself emotionally and physically from him. He's already long distance so you have that space anyway.

[dropdeadlegs]

Okay... this isn't good... My gut today told me something is up... I never call his office ever. I did today and they told me he was on vacation and won't be back till next week. He texted me all last week up until saturday. Now he has dissappeared once again. I think I am going to throw up...

OMG! If killing him legal (and sometimes there is a thing such as justifiable homicide) I'd do it for you.

 

These disappearances are pointing to a double life. He may be having an equally frustrating relationship with another equally confused woman. This must be her "good" week.

 

I remember the last thread of yours I posted on regularly, and you were feeling literally sick on that one quite a bit, too.

 

It's easy for me to be succinct and abrupt, but I think it's your turn to disappear for a change. When he starts sniffing around for your attention (at his leisure, mind you) don't answer his calls, texts, emails, anything. Show him what it feels like to be abandoned. Give a dose of his medicine.

 

I don't know if it will make an impression on him, but going NC immediately would be a good start towards your healing starting now. You can do better and he doesn't even deserve the courtesy of a "goodbye" in my opinion.

[HopefulOne]

Thanks to all of you... Not funny but I have Physical tomorrow with the doctor and I can just imagine my blood pressure...

 

Dropdeadlegs, if it's possible legal, you can help me do it !!! It's weird it was just a gut feeling... He asked me a couple of weeks ago, the last time we spoke on the phone, if I would want to go on his trip with him but that was suppose to late May, there was another for April but he said he didn't know what was going on yet and he was gonna go on the one in late May.. I said I would love to. Since he has said for 3 years now that he wanted to take me but always had some reason and said he didn't go. Now I wonder... I am sure I will hear I needed time I told you that, that's why I dissapeared, you said you understood... BULL****.... Oh, I am so angry, so upset... physcially and emotionally... I can't even believe this.. I don't even think I know who he is.. maybe a master maniupulator...

[IpAncA]

Okay... this isn't good... My gut today told me something is up... I never call his office ever. I did today and they told me he was on vacation and won't be back till next week. He texted me all last week up until saturday. Now he has dissappeared once again. I think I am going to throw up...

THAT should be enought right there for you to walk away.

[dropdeadlegs]

With the right judge and jury, murder can be legal, well sort of. Think about OJ Simpson, he got away with it.

 

Please love yourself enough to leave this guy choking on your dust! I'm sure he has some kind of redeeming qualities, but this guy is just plain weird, and I think you know that.

 

Imagine a lifetime of what you have right now, because that's usually exactly what you get, if not worse. It's already making you physically ill, and your BF should bring you a lot of joy.

 

Good luck with your physical tomorrow.

[IpAncA]

this guy is just plain weird, and I think you know that.

 

I prefer loon.

 

Hopefulone, why are you still with him? What does he have that keeps you around?