Pickinguppieces Posted April 15, 2007 Posted April 15, 2007 Where do I begin?? This is the story of my beautiful disaster. Just over a year ago I met this man while I was a married woman and he a married man..we were instantly drawn to each other. I was unhappy in my passionless marriage and had been for years apprently he felt the same and we started chatting with each other about what we both felt was missing from our marraiges and before long we had fallen in love....Lust?? I left my husband and moved out of our home. He left his marriage and moved out too. We spent ever day talking for hours and the whole time I forgot the world existed with the exception of this man. I was so drawn to him and him to me that we didn't even realize how much we had just left behind. We'll things were great for a few months and we knew we wanted to be together but had many obstacles to overcome...I filed for divorce as did he(I'm divorced now...he stil is not, it's a mess) I knew that he had been unfaithful in his marriage and had always had the problem of being a big flirt and he had just opened up a club and was like a kid in a candy store so I should have run screaming them but no I had to have him. It wasn't long before he had realized the life he left behind his children(2), his wife, he was losing everything that meant the most to him and the guilt started to set in but he was still very much in love wth me. Let the games begin, all the phone calls, emails txts started to slowly die down. He wouldn't answer my calls all the time, only when he felt like it but he did enough to keep me right there. He is/was a very confused man and knew that he needed to sort these things out in his head so I cut him some slack. He was in complete control our relationship. We broke up at least every two weeks for about 5 months because we just couldn't let "us" go. We both needed time to heal from our previous relationships however, I was ready to be with him. (I believe that when a woman leaves her marriage she is truly ready to move on.) He spent alot of this time trying to work out his marriage and make ammends for the childrens sake...which I understood at first because we talked about those things and told each other that if we felt like we needed to go back that we would try and understand why, but after hearing that over and over I started to grow resentment and lack of trust for this person who had me passenger on his rollercoaster of emotions, every single break we had it became harder and harder to let go. We became more involved emotionally...I was his best friend, we told each other everything...I understood everything he told me and simpathized with his situation but he was killing me in the process. He would tell me that he needed to let me go, that I didn't deserve to be going thorugh his mess...but he still called, he still wanted to see me and I allowed all of that to happen because I wanted to be with him more then anything (love is SOOO blind). Finally I started to realize that I needed to get out and after 10 or so break ups I decided that I was done but my heart was heavy, I was madly in love with this person. I started to date someone new. I was truly ready to get out but he would call me and beg me to go back to him that he had realized I was what he wanted....he wanted to be with me and that he had never been loved like I loved him and that he was scared. I gave in and went back to him. He asked me to move in with him and he now had custody of one of his sons who I was starting to care for very much. I would slowly move in some of my things and then he broke it off again. My heart was broken....but he was so good at finding a way back in. HE would promise that he wouldn't hurt me again that we would never break it off again but my trust was gone, I had been broken by him so many times that our dysfunctional relationship became normal to me. Finally, we had decided that the best thing to do was to break it off for good, we were not only hurting each other with the back and forth but his child and our families too. He had hurt me some many times in between with talk of seeing other people and having me as his Sunday through Thursday girlfriend, things he thought were suppose to be funny but he was really going through a mid life crisis, still is, he had ruined me and my ability to trust him. On New Years Eve we had been broken up for about a week and I was 4 1/2 hours away that night...well he decided to drive to see by himself, with a rose, in a blizzard to profess his love for me(it was like something out of a movie), that he was so sorry and that he wanted to live with me and that I was his love and that I WAS THE ONE. I took the bait....things were going great...we decided to buy a house together in Feb.(in my name, legal reasons), but we were still fighting over the past. I became pregnant in March and I lost the baby, two weeks after I lost our child, he comes home from a late night at the club only to tell me that it's not working out and that he will move out by the end of the week because the loss of the child and all our fighting had just driven a wedge between us and that night someone close to me came on to him and he kissed her back and he didn't want to start our life together like that, he didn't want to be that person to me... WTF!!! Now I'm in a big house that I can't afford alone. My heart is broken into peices, I lost a child and his son who I loved very much and he loved me too. I feel absolutly broken. I should have known better not to buy a house with him but I was in love and after everything we had gone through thought...we could make it work. How could I be so damn stupid, now I run the risk of losing my credit if the house doesn't sell soon and we are both miserable, I'm working on picking up one piece at a time but the contact is still there were both working on stopping it.....I feel like I'm in hell and he is my poison. How can someone do this to another human?? He tells me he still loves me but we can never be together again and that kills him. I have truly hit rock bottom and he lead me there, nothing good has come from this nasty realtionship. I have lost everything, my dignity, my pride and financially I'm a mess. Any advice would be helpful...
Trialbyfire Posted April 15, 2007 Posted April 15, 2007 You are a prime candidate for No Contact. Break your addiction and never look back.
phyrespryte Posted April 15, 2007 Posted April 15, 2007 How can someone do this to another human?? Because you let him. Stop talking to this guy. I don't know what the heck is wrong with him, but he's going to keep on hurting you.
Author Pickinguppieces Posted April 15, 2007 Author Posted April 15, 2007 I did let him, I know. I allowed this to happen always thinking I could change him...this is the hardest lesson I'll ever learn. He is just so lost and I thought I could help him. I have to stop and think about myself.
Enema Posted April 15, 2007 Posted April 15, 2007 Where do I begin?? Right there! After "begin" is where you start using paragraphs. Good luck next time.
lorr Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 At the end of the day you were well aware that he had cheated in his marriage and that he was a big flirt, and you decided the ignore the signs. This man showed you his true colours from the start so if anything you've got no one to blame but yourself. To start an affair because your marriage is passionless is a cop out. If you weren't happy then it was up to you to communicate your feelings to your husband, so it would have given him the chance to take what you've said on board and make necessary changes. You were well and truly played by the OM, and the only thing left for you to do is to salvage this mess, sort yourself out and get your life back on track.
Salicious Crumb Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 How can someone do this to another human?? . Dunno...ask your husband that question.
whichwayisup Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 You need to get yourself to a therapist and understand why you keep letting this man in your life. Your life is confused and one big drama, and also you've suffered another loss by having a miscarriage. Your emotions are out of whack, so please, get some help. As for your MM, well, it seems it got too real too fast. What he wanted, a nice happy-go-lucky relationship turned into the "real" thing. No more fun and fantasy, passion and great sex. You two don't have the history together, you don't really "know" eachother that well, and you don't share a family with him, so in the end, the life he had before you two started up the affair, has won. Tell him goodbye, go NC and never look back. Make your own closure and get some counselling.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 Dunno...ask your husband that question. I second this post!
Author Pickinguppieces Posted April 16, 2007 Author Posted April 16, 2007 Like most situations there is alot more to this story...it's not that black and white...there are many gray areas. I NEVER just left my marriage without giving it a fighting chance...we were both aware of the problems we had and had worked on them for a very long time. My marriage was over we couldn't get past our own issues. I was played for a fool and I learned my lesson but I never intentional set out to hurt anyone.
whichwayisup Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 But why did you choose to cheat on your husband and not leave him before getting involved with someone else? I just wonder how long you would have stayed in your loveless, passionless marriage if the MM hadn't come into your life? Would you still be with your husband right now if you hadn't met the MM? Well, lesson learned and now the best thing you can do is cut the MM out of your life and heal yourself.
Author Pickinguppieces Posted April 16, 2007 Author Posted April 16, 2007 First of all, I did NOT have an affair on my husband...I left because I did not want to have an affair on him. My marriage was over period. I didn't want to be that person. I walked away before something happened. I have never regretted leaving. Mr. Chrome says I didn't say anything bad about my ex-husband, we'll would you care for a list?? Obviously Mr. Barracuda Chrome was burnt pretty badly.....but don't ever judge me, you DON'T know me and my situation. I wrote a thread about my situation but i couldn't get every little detail in there...looks like everyone has there own interpetation of it though, that's because this kind of stuff happens all the time. You live you learn!!
whichwayisup Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 I left my husband and moved out of our home. Sorry, my mistake. The way you have told your story, you've made it seem like you and the MM got together, atleast on an emotional level - AND THEN you left your H and got a divorce, and he left his wife.
Author Pickinguppieces Posted April 16, 2007 Author Posted April 16, 2007 and for the record...my ex and I had no children.
marlena Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 Dear Pickupup pieces, That is precisely what you have to do!!! Believe me! I've been there and I know exactly where you are coming from! It is, in my humble opinion, not only immature as but immoral to make moral judgements on other people, not to mention, cretinous in the least! A total philosophical lack of understanding of the human predicament! Illiterate fools, not to be taken into account! Who are we to make cast stones? No one is morally impeccable! Disregard the bitter and angered responses of those who profess to be "holier than thou", self-ordained saints who only heaven knows how much hypocrisy lies within thmeselves ! Do not let them phase you the tiniest bit! And know that in your human fallacies lies your strength! And heed the empowerment this experience has provided you with and accept the valuable lesson you have learnt and let it guide you like a beacon to safer shores! Like driftwood, let it wash ashore! You can and will do it! It is inevitable that you will! It is the reason why you trod this path in the first place! You will come out a better person for it for at least you followed in integrity what was burning in your heart! Harbour no anger as do a lot of embittered emotionally depraved human beings do (not to mention any people on this site!) and dear heart leave this behind you!
Salicious Crumb Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 Obviously Mr. Barracuda Chrome was burnt pretty badly.....but don't ever judge me, you DON'T know me and my situation. So...lets assume he left his wife and kid for you and you are happy as a clam because you got what you want....how would you feel about being a contributor to a home wrecking?
Salicious Crumb Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 Dear Pickupup pieces, That is precisely what you have to do!!! Believe me! I've been there and I know exactly where you are coming from! It is, in my humble opinion, not only immature as but immoral to make moral judgements on other people, not to mention, cretinous in the least! Cretinous would be those who pray that the MM/MW leave their marriage and family for their own selfish reasons. A total philosophical lack of understanding of the human predicament! You mean like the predicament of total disregard people who sleep with married men or women of the pain they will cause a family to satisfy their own selfish "needs"? No one is morally impeccable! True...but some people's moral flaws don't hurt anyone else.....people who knowingly bed down other people's spouses have a total disregard for other people...especially children involved. Disregard the bitter and angered responses of those who profess to be "holier than thou" You don't have to be "holier than thou" to recognize selfishness to the highest degree. And yes...disregard us...you are selfish..you are going to do what you want anyway no matter who you hurt in the process. , self-ordained saints who only heaven knows how much hypocrisy lies within thmeselves No hypocrisy here...i have never cheated on a SO...and I have never, and never will, sleep with someone who is married.
climbergirl Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 From what I read, the OP left the marriage before sleeping with her bf. I'm not too clear on what the chronological events were for him. I will say that leaving a marriage before starting an affair is far more commendable than the alternative. And before you say that MC should be an option, I think that to get to the point of initiating divorce, that the thought of divorce has been contemplated for quite some time. I doubt either would divorce their spouse if they were even slightly happy. Not meaning to threadjack, but like I said in my previous post (which was deleted), what's done is done. And hindsight is 20/20. Casting of stones is unnecessary if you don't know the whole story. Well, even then it's not necessary. Having said that, I'll reiterate my original advice.....this guy is in no place to have a healthy relationship. Regardless of his reasons for leaving his marriage, he clearly has guilt wrapped up in his actions and he's taking them out on you. He's keeping you around because, and don't take this to mean he doesn't love you in his own way, he's clearly confused, feeling guilty, and to not having you around makes him feel lonely. But, ironically, this is the time he should be alone and regroup. Step back and do some regrouping yourself. I'm betting that you won't want to tolerate being treated this way in the long run.
dropdeadlegs Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 Has he moved out yet? Based on what you have posted, he'll be back in a week or two anyway. What I have learned through my own trials and tribulations is that nothing is a sure thing, BUT that the chances of the possibility being better are when things proceed at a much slower pace. It takes a good year to even get through the painted facade of one's character to see the real person behind the facade. If you're still together after two years, consider living together if you want to. I married twice, both times within a year. Both marriages failed. I didn't even know those people when I married them, and I was overlooking a lot of giant red flags. Leaving your marriage doesn't sound like it was a bad thing in itself. You weren't happy there. You chose to pursue "happiness" and that wasn't necessarily a bad decision. The "lust" goggles we wear in the first 6-24 months are rose-colored indeed. With all the back and forth, with you/without you, the biggest mistake was buying that house. There wasn't enough relationship stability for a big financial decision like that. A baby (I'm very sorry for your loss) would not have fixed things. I do not want to appear cold, but your problems would be bigger with an impending child in addition to your current financial mess. I wonder what kind of father he would have been to that child. He's having trouble committing to you and that doesn't make for the best of outcomes. And this "someone close to you" doesn't deserve your friendship. How horrible of her to kiss him! She must have known about your state of mind. Let him go, let the "friend" go. Sell the house if you cannot afford it. Take a whole bunch of lessons learned with you into the next relationship and keep those eyes wide open at all times. And slow down, too. You'll be all right, but it won't necessarily be easy. Good luck.
Chrome Barracuda Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 Was I harsh for what I said? somewhat. Was I wrong for saying that? no. Because it was the truth. all those lives and families ruined and you two aint even gonna be together in the end?!? I pity you...
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