LostinLxxx Posted April 15, 2007 Posted April 15, 2007 I’ve been reading through these forums for quite a while. I am not an OW, nor a BS. But I do find myself very strongly attracted to someone who I know to be in a relationship. I get the feeling that he may have some interest in me I’m not very schooled in the ways of love and romance, to say the least, and so when I first got an inkling that he may share my feelings to some extent, I made some assumptions that I now think (know!) are unrealistic, thanks to reading the LS forums. The idea of having to read an Internet forum to see things clearly may seem silly, but when you are in a situation, it can be hard to step back and see things objectively. Reading about others’ situations here has been helpful… it’s easy to know what the right things to do are when you’re not involved. Stopping and applying that to my own situation has been an eye-opener Reading through the forum helped me realize some very simple things. Things that I probably wouldn’t have otherwise grasped until I learned them the hard way – through mistakes and heartache. I should have known them already; they’re common sense. But again, getting past your emotions and wishful thinking and looking at things objectively is not always easy. And I’ve never been a very realistic or practical person. I did not initially know whether or not the guy I’m interested in had a girlfriend. So when I started to think that there was some mutual attraction there, it was exciting. When I found out he had a girlfriend, I cannot in all honesty say that it changed whatever I was feeling for him. Those little signs and vibes I kept getting from him still sent waves of excitement through me. I basically concocted a romanticized version of what was going on, of how it could be that he had a girlfriend and yet still seemed interested in me (his relationship with the girl seemed relatively new; he may have had an interest in me before they got together, and these feelings were lingering and causing confusion, etc.). After reading these forums, and hearing from people in similar situations, I was able to put aside my little romantic notions for a moment and see things more clearly. The guy has a girlfriend. I know he has a girlfriend. He knows that I know he has a girlfriend. If after all of this he is still sending me signals, it really comes down to one thing: He’s not a trustworthy guy. Oh, he seems like a very nice guy. He’s been very subtle in his interactions with me, and initially seemed uncomfortable about it, as if he were having doubts, because he does after all have a girlfriend. He apparently treats his girlfriend quite well, spoiling her with gifts and taking in her sister. Maybe he hasn’t cheated on her before. Or maybe he’s sending the very same signals to who knows how many girls and is a raging womanizer. I don’t know. But I do know that he would apparently be okay with starting something with someone while he is in a relationship. If something did happen, it is quite clear that he would have every intention of continuing his existing relationship. It almost hurts me to think that I could be willing to put myself in that kind of situation, to knowingly hurt myself and allow myself to feel like second best. I would be setting myself up for disappointment and hurt, waiting around until he had time in his schedule and could sneak away for a bit to skulk around with me behind his girlfriend’s back. That’s what all the little signals, looks, and conversations mean, if anything. Not “I am interested in getting to know you”, or “I am questioning my relationship with my girlfriend”, or any of that nonsense. It means, “I want to hook up with you for some fun. I may just be the kind of person who does this kind of thing and will always do it. Or maybe I’m hoping you’ll be my first little adventure. Whatever the case, you know I have a girlfriend… I've introduced her to friends in front of you; and yet you still seem interested. Wanna have some fun until I’m ready to move on?” It’s very rare for me to be in a situation of mutual interest, where the person I’m interested in seems to reciprocate my feelings. I usually am not interested in the few people who have approached me and expressed interest. So to be so very intrigued by someone and feel that he is equally curious about me has been flattering. I really shouldn’t be flattered; if anything I should be insulted. Regardless of how nice he seems, he must not think much of me to carry on this way when he has a girlfriend. I think sometimes our hopes, fantasies, and emotions get in the way of seeing things for what they clearly are. I’d like, for once, to have an opportunity to experience the mutual admiration and passion that can come from a genuine relationship. This current crush is not it, but it brings forth certain feelings and I’m trying to make it into something it isn’t. It’s very hard to let go of that. That’s the difficult thing, looking past all the surface stuff and getting down to the bottom line. On the surface of it, he’s cute, he’s friendly, I enjoy our interactions, being near him sends shivers down my spine, fun, fun, fun. Just last weekend I saw him somewhere; he brought his girlfriend along. She was right there beside him, and still, as we talked, I was taken in by his face, by the opportunity to be that close to him. It’s hard to disconnect from that and be honest about what is really going on. Reading about other people’s experiences has helped me be a little more honest with myself. All this to say that you all, just in sharing your experiences and advice, are providing a service to numerous members and lurkers. I don’t have the experience nor the wisdom to draw on that most other people do… reading about situations from various perspectives has been so instructive, giving me the opportunity to learn from other people’s experiences, if I’m smart enough to do that. Another strong message that comes through, particularly from this forum (The Other Man/Woman) is the great pain that is caused to those involved in affairs, whether you be the OW, OM, or the BS. I shouldn’t want to be a participant in that kind of situation. To be honest, I haven’t gotten this guy situation figured out. It may amount to nothing (I mean, I'm not one hundred percent sure that he does share my feelings; everything's been pretty subtle), or there may be a time when I will have to make some choices… and I’m not sure whether or not I’m up to doing the right thing, as I’ve never really been put to the test before. But my eyes have been opened; whatever I do, it will be knowingly, not because I was blinded by ignorance or inexperience. Thank you for that.
torranceshipman Posted April 15, 2007 Posted April 15, 2007 What a great post! Excellent news that you took all of that on board. I found the site when I was a few months in to a 'relationship' and got out of it quickly after coming to LS, as the advice on here was excellent...I REALLY wish I'd found it when I was at your stage, and I don't think I would have let the R progress, had I known then what I know now. Now keep following your own advice and don't let ANYTHING that the guy does sway you or change your mind - do NOT go there unless he is single, EVER!
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