sweetscarlet Posted April 15, 2007 Posted April 15, 2007 Do you pick a certain type? I notice a type I pick and I don't think they're really good for relationships. They seem to be very intelligent which is a really big attraction for me. They've also achieved a lot in their lives both in their careers, athletically and in just about everything that they do. They're also witty and charming and none have been bad looking. I love their intelligence and admire their achievements. But this type always ends up hurting me. I hate to stereotype but every single one of them has lacked compassion. Maybe that's how they get ahead? Maybe their lack of emotions is why nothing holds them back. (and maybe that's why I admire them--because I'm not like that--my emotions have held me back too many times). They seem to not get tied emotionally to women. They tend to get bored with one woman. They tend to be somewhat arrogant or snobby at times. They tend to be selfish. And then I meet the compassionate (nice) guys......and wonder why am I not liking them enough? I thought about it and they're not quite so witty and charming like those other guys and so they seem dull. They don't have any edge to them. Usually they haven't achieved as much as these other ones I've met have and often they're not as athletic. Oftentimes they don't have any plans for the weekend...they're just sitting around the house...maybe mowing the lawn. Well.....my own life is that dull.....do I want anymore dullness??? So, it's like a tradeoff between these two. It doesn't seem like you can get it all in one package so you have to pick. Package #2 is really better for a relationship but is it really worth it if you're just lukewarm about it? Not really....I think I'd rather be alone than in a dull relationship. I'm sure there are people who have found both in one person but it's rare. So I keep telling myself I won't fall for Type #1 again and then one comes along and works his way in. I'm always reluctant at first but they're persistant little buggers (unlike the nice guys). Eventually they win me over....then I end up hurt when they move onto the next one.......then I tell myself never again...... Sound familiar to anyone else?
Trialbyfire Posted April 15, 2007 Posted April 15, 2007 Sounds like you're drawn to narcissists. There's a checklist embedded in one of the threads about narcissists. You may want to try it against your exes and see if this is the case.
Author sweetscarlet Posted April 15, 2007 Author Posted April 15, 2007 That's funny you should say that because awhile back I read up on narcissistic personality disorder because I thought that very same thing. I'm not sure if they fit that personality disorder entirely though. However, you are saying "narcissists". By this, do you mean something different from NPD? Where can I find the list you are referring to?
Trialbyfire Posted April 15, 2007 Posted April 15, 2007 I found the thread by using the search feature. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t115366/?highlight=narcissism
IpAncA Posted April 15, 2007 Posted April 15, 2007 Do you pick a certain type? I notice a type I pick and I don't think they're really good for relationships. I pick balanced ones. If you don't like the ones your picking then pick something else.
alphamale Posted April 15, 2007 Posted April 15, 2007 Sounds like you're drawn to narcissists. many people are TBF....why do you think the rich & famous are so fascinating to the average person?
Author sweetscarlet Posted April 15, 2007 Author Posted April 15, 2007 I pick balanced ones. If you don't like the ones your picking then pick something else. Well, I wish it were that easy. You can't force yourself to be attracted to what you're not attracted to.
IpAncA Posted April 15, 2007 Posted April 15, 2007 Well, I wish it were that easy. You can't force yourself to be attracted to what you're not attracted to. True but from the type your attracted to, I'm sure somewhere there's one out there. Perhaps it's you who's attracting the wrong ones.
lindya Posted April 15, 2007 Posted April 15, 2007 Well, I wish it were that easy. You can't force yourself to be attracted to what you're not attracted to. Imagine for a moment that a date had been arranged between you and a man, and there was one rule that had to govern the whole date. The rule is that the onus is on you to ensure that the date goes well. Not the guy's job to show you a good time, keep conversation and wine flowing. Not for him to think of a good place to go/fun film to see/sort out transport etc etc. This time it's all down to you. Every last detail is your responsibility. With that rule governing the date, how would you see it going - and how would you hope for the guy to respond to you? I'm just trying to figure out what qualities you personally can bring to make dates/subsequent relationships more fun and exciting rather than placing the onus on the guy to be the fire-starter.
Author sweetscarlet Posted April 15, 2007 Author Posted April 15, 2007 I found the thread by using the search feature. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t115366/?highlight=narcissism Thanks, I read the thread and it seems pretty close. I'll tell you about the latest one. This is a LDR. After laying on the charm, he told me that he was involved with others (there is a new type out there that does this, btw....they call themselves "honest") Ok, so I am reluctant and distant but he keeps working on me. Over time he makes it sound like I'm the special one (and told me that I was number 1) and that he would commit to me, whereas to anyone else, he wouldn't. We talked all the time but had not met yet. He mentions the future and wants to plan a trip together. He tells me he dates others but he did not tell me he planned to meet anyone else where I lived when he came to visit in a few months. His behavior started to change ...he became distant.....and I started to call him on it. I also became insecure. He began to cut me down for things. When the time came for him to come to my area he then tells me that he is meeting several others here as well. He told me that he had been upfront with me from the start by telling me that he dated other women. He told me how honest he had been about it all. Thing is, he knew if he had told me that he was meeting other women in my area when he was going to be visiting, I would have stopped talking to him long ago. I think someone else is going on the trip with him now. Or maybe no one is. I said to him that I'll bet he sends them all the same charming emails he had sent me. He said that if he wanted to, he had every right to send them the same ones. (hey, I guess he knew what worked).
Author sweetscarlet Posted April 15, 2007 Author Posted April 15, 2007 True but from the type your attracted to, I'm sure somewhere there's one out there. Perhaps it's you who's attracting the wrong ones. No, I get a lot of different ones that want to go out with me but for some reason, I'm drawn to them. I think especially because they're smart and witty.
Author sweetscarlet Posted April 15, 2007 Author Posted April 15, 2007 Imagine for a moment that a date had been arranged between you and a man, and there was one rule that had to govern the whole date. The rule is that the onus is on you to ensure that the date goes well. Not the guy's job to show you a good time, keep conversation and wine flowing. Not for him to think of a good place to go/fun film to see/sort out transport etc etc. This time it's all down to you. Every last detail is your responsibility. With that rule governing the date, how would you see it going - and how would you hope for the guy to respond to you? I'm just trying to figure out what qualities you personally can bring to make dates/subsequent relationships more fun and exciting rather than placing the onus on the guy to be the fire-starter. Nope, that's not it either. I met a guy yesterday and I picked the place and I had to keep the conversation going. I can keep a conversation going but I tend to prefer it when someone else does. If not, I just tend to ramble because they're not introducing new topics. He told me that he had a great time. I had plans after meeting him and he asked if he could see me after those plans were through. I told him I'd call him afterwards. I called him afterwards and he didnt' have much to say on the phone...so I said: "well...you're kind of quiet so you must be tired.....I'll let you go..." and he said: "no...i'm just listening to you." Well....I have DOGS that can listen to me if that's all I want, you know? And at least they bark sometimes! I asked him what he wanted to do and he said I could come over and watch tv. It was 10 pm and I decided to just go home. He's called me already today but I haven't called him back.
Trialbyfire Posted April 15, 2007 Posted April 15, 2007 many people are TBF....why do you think the rich & famous are so fascinating to the average person? For some people, it's the opportunity to live vicariously (or precariously which I prefer because it's so true) through someone else. It's a fascination with the lifestyle of the narcissist although most people realize it's a fantasy. The reality is, the narcissist lures through charm and then sucks the everlovin' life out of you...
Touche Posted April 15, 2007 Posted April 15, 2007 Look, there's nothing so unusual about your situation...been there, done that. Many of us have gone through the same thing...have to kiss the frogs before finding the prince. I found mine at 33. Yes, smart, funny, witty with an "edge" but also very good to me. They really are out there. That's what dating is for. To find that one. Don't give up. I don't think you're doing anything wrong to attract the wrong ones. It's just that there are so many more wrong ones than there are right ones. Know what I mean? I mean the odds are high of running into those bad boys. Hang in there!
Author sweetscarlet Posted April 15, 2007 Author Posted April 15, 2007 For some people, it's the opportunity to live vicariously (or precariously which I prefer because it's so true) through someone else. It's a fascination with the lifestyle of the narcissist although most people realize it's a fantasy. The reality is, the narcissist lures through charm and then sucks the everlovin' life out of you... yes, I agree that living vicariously through them is a big lure.
Author sweetscarlet Posted April 15, 2007 Author Posted April 15, 2007 Look, there's nothing so unusual about your situation...been there, done that. Many of us have gone through the same thing...have to kiss the frogs before finding the prince. I found mine at 33. Yes, smart, funny, witty with an "edge" but also very good to me. They really are out there. That's what dating is for. To find that one. Don't give up. I don't think you're doing anything wrong to attract the wrong ones. It's just that there are so many more wrong ones than there are right ones. Know what I mean? I mean the odds are high of running into those bad boys. Hang in there! I wonder though....if you're at an age where just about everyone of them is divorced, what are the chances of them being a good one?
Touche Posted April 15, 2007 Posted April 15, 2007 I wonder though....if you're at an age where just about everyone of them is divorced, what are the chances of them being a good one? I'm not quite sure what you mean. Are you saying that because someone is divorced they are automatically damaged goods? Because my H and I were both married before...to the WRONG people. Doesn't mean we're not good people. We just chose the wrong people for us. That's all it means in many cases...not that a divorced person is somehow fatally flawed. So to answer your question...your chances are the same of finding a good single (never married) man as they are of finding a good divorced guy. Does that make sense?
Author sweetscarlet Posted April 15, 2007 Author Posted April 15, 2007 I'm not quite sure what you mean. Are you saying that because someone is divorced they are automatically damaged goods? Because my H and I were both married before...to the WRONG people. Doesn't mean we're not good people. We just chose the wrong people for us. That's all it means in many cases...not that a divorced person is somehow fatally flawed. So to answer your question...your chances are the same of finding a good single (never married) man as they are of finding a good divorced guy. Does that make sense? I was basing that on the fact that most of the time women are the ones who file for divorce and women are the ones who are more likely to try to get a relationship to work. A lot of times a woman tries and tries to get a relationship to work and it results in no change so finally, she files for divorce. A lot of men who get served with divorce papers are clueless that a divorce was imminent. This results in a lot of clueless men ending up divorced. They can work on themselves and change but a lot of them don't. That's just my theory.
alphamale Posted April 15, 2007 Posted April 15, 2007 The reality is, the narcissist lures through charm and then sucks the everlovin' life out of you... The true narcissist is usually successful in life because their focus in on themselves only and there is not distractions. These people also have many lovers.
Author sweetscarlet Posted April 15, 2007 Author Posted April 15, 2007 The true narcissist is usually successful in life because their focus in on themselves only and there is not distractions. These people also have many lovers. I guess they have many lovers because they don't get emotionally attached and yet they can ACT emotionally attached.
Trialbyfire Posted April 15, 2007 Posted April 15, 2007 This is part of the make-believe world of the narcissist. They do believe they are attached....when they're with you, that is...
Touche Posted April 15, 2007 Posted April 15, 2007 I was basing that on the fact that most of the time women are the ones who file for divorce and women are the ones who are more likely to try to get a relationship to work. A lot of times a woman tries and tries to get a relationship to work and it results in no change so finally, she files for divorce. A lot of men who get served with divorce papers are clueless that a divorce was imminent. This results in a lot of clueless men ending up divorced. They can work on themselves and change but a lot of them don't. That's just my theory. While I agree that this may be true in SOME cases, I certainly don't think it's true of most divorces. Most of the time it's a matter of two people never being compatible in some very important areas. I suggest you wipe out all these theories and keep an open mind. I fear that you are limiting your options without realizing it. Don't pre-judge people. Give each person a fair chance.
Author sweetscarlet Posted April 15, 2007 Author Posted April 15, 2007 While I agree that this may be true in SOME cases, I certainly don't think it's true of most divorces. Most of the time it's a matter of two people never being compatible in some very important areas. I suggest you wipe out all these theories and keep an open mind. I fear that you are limiting your options without realizing it. Don't pre-judge people. Give each person a fair chance. Oh, I do. I just wonder that sometimes when I meet all of these "winners". Incidentally, the nice guy that I met yesterday, I tend to wonder if he's REALLY a nice guy. I asked why he got a divorce and he said because his ex is crazy. And I found out it was a very messy divorce where she and her parents spent six figures trying to drive him into the ground and keep him from having any custody. I used to hear a man's divorce story and think "Oh you poor thing!". Now I hear a man's divorce story and say: "Hmmm....wonder why she did/said that....." That's just basing it on my past experiences where their divorce stories ended up having more to them than they told me.
Author sweetscarlet Posted April 15, 2007 Author Posted April 15, 2007 Btw, my favorite divorce story is "My wife was depressed." And then I find out later that he was cheating on her or that he was emotionally abusive or something. Gee...I can't imagine why your wife was depressed........ (Yes, I'm a bit cynacal. But I've seen and heard it all.)
Trialbyfire Posted April 15, 2007 Posted April 15, 2007 In every divorce or relationship breakup, there's always he said/she said. Try listening to a narcissist's side and it will be "me" said.
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