Letting Go, did I do the right thing?

[loquaciousl]

Hey there LJers...

 

I'll try to make this as brief as possible...

 

I was dating this guy for a month. From the get go we hit it off and established that we had a lot in common. He's college educated, hard working, fun, and had been honest with me about some pretty brutal stuff.

 

A few weeks ago we had a discussion about how his last relationship had ended. Evidently he had cheated on a girl he had been with for a year and a half and she dumped him flat. That was three months ago. I wasn't thrilled with this information but was happy that he had been honest with me.

 

Anyway, we had never established exclusivity at any point. Last Tuesday I received an email from him on a dating site that I am on but not "active" on, per se, meaning that I don't go on to search for potentials. I didn't even know he was on there and might not have if it hadn't been for receiving an "icebreaker" from him. After getting that icebreaker from him he called me later that night. He sounded rushed, and said he had a few minutes to talk. He then said in almost a contrite voice, "Miss you, miss your smiling face, hope to see you soon..." The way he said it irritated me because it felt contrived. Anyhow, we got off the phone with me being annoyed and bitchy. So I called him back to apologize for being bitchy and he answered the phone, "Yeah, M!" (my name). I then apologized and he said sorry as well for being jerky. He then said he'd call tomorrow and that was Wednesday. No word from him since.

 

Finally yesterday I had had enough. I don't handle, lack of closure real well. I know his actions (or non actions) convey his lack of interest, or whatever. Up until that point he had regularly been calling me and we'd seen each other once a week. So, I emailed him and told him that I had not been honest with myself in that I don't like serial dating, and that I knew (from what he had told me) that he had a lot to deal with in regards to guilt and such from his last relationship. He had initially told me that he adored me, that I was a girl he could see committing to, etc. After I thought about my actions on the phone the other night I realized that it was going to be hard for me to keep going out with him and not develop some sort of fondness for him. I guess the purpose of the email was to tell him that I thought we were on different pages (which was clear by his being on other dating sites.) This might sound confusing, but I thought his idea of "taking it slow" meant with the potential of more. He had even told me last week that he can't just see us being friends.

 

Anyway, part of me misses him. But part of me also knows that I deserve someone who can be there emotionally. I also have had the pattern of being around men who aren't emotionally available. I think I did the right thing in a sense, but I still am upset....I guess my request is to ask why I think I "miss" him. I am not going to contact him further but I don't understand what happened. I just want to move on

[johan]

There are a few things I don't understand.

 

Why did he send you the message on the dating site? He didn't know it was you?

 

If you were dating for a month, and only saw each other once a week, then that's four real dates, right?

 

Why did he cheat on his ex? What was his attitude toward that at the time he did it?

 

Overall, I can't say that this seems like too much of a loss. He cheated on her, and you weren't together for long. You seem to have been acting on your instincts with respect to the signals you were getting from him, which I think is smart when you're in a good state of mind about things.

 

The only problem I see is that you don't know how he feels. You made a decision based on your interpretation of what was going on, and never made the effort to find out if your conclusions were the right ones. Maybe you should have heard his side of the story first. Or maybe that wasn't necessary.

[loquaciousl]

He cheated on his girlfriend with an ex in order to "get revenge" on the ex he cheated with. He said they were close to marriage and if you ask me I think he got cold feet.

 

I sent him an email on Friday and never heard a response. In this email, I detailed my feelings and that I wouldn't be able to date as casually as I thought originally. I told him I understood the feelings that he had about getting involved again; but I also had to go on what my feelings were as well. And to answer your question, he did know it was me on the website. I think I gave him plenty of opportunity to give his side of the story and have heard nothing in response. So I am forced to make my conclusions based on non actions.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

I followed my buddy Johan on to this thread Since the vampire in me is stalking him...

(Kidding!)

 

I agree with Johan's reply, Loquaciousl. I also have a few pointers of my own:

 

 

a) Maybe you two shared a good connection, but it takes so much more than that. The thing is, when you're getting to know a person, everything is rosy. You tend to see the best in the person, and vice-versa.

 

Down the road, both parties display their shortcomings / quirks. That is fine, as long as the BASICS are still strong. By the basics, I mean the qualities that you want a person to have, no matter what.

 

b) The basics don't seem to be right here. I mean, contacting you through an online dating site, when he knows your other contact info, amounts to playing mind games. Or maybe he likes it to be convenience-based. He'll put out feelers towards you only when he needs you to be there to stroke his ego. When you (or anyone else) get serious or ask for an answer, he does the old diappearing act.

 

In a nutshell, bad basics: A bit selfish, not too honest, and scared of committment of any sort.

 

c) Finally, when your conclusions have to be based on non-actions, it's best for you to not take any further actions, either.

[Guest]

Thistooshallpass:

 

WOW! Thank you very much! I never thought about the basics in the way that you're putting it! Well said. The more I hear back the more I feel like I did the right thing! Thanks again!

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

Thistooshallpass:

 

WOW! Thank you very much! I never thought about the basics in the way that you're putting it! Well said. The more I hear back the more I feel like I did the right thing! Thanks again!

 

Are you Loquaciousl, posting as Guest?

[Trimmer]

He cheated on his girlfriend with an ex in order to "get revenge" on the ex he cheated with. He said they were close to marriage and if you ask me I think he got cold feet.

Help me out here... There's ex#1 (the most recent "girlfriend" he cheated on) and then there's ex #2 (an even older girlfriend, who he cheated with, yes?) So I suppose it's not really directly pertinent to your situation, but now I'm curious: who was he close to marriage with, ex#1 or ex#2? And who was he getting revenge on, ex#1 or ex#2?

 

No matter what the possibilities and permutations, doesn't all this make him seem just a tad less attractive at this point anyway? Cheating for revenge seems so nasty and calculating, in that not only are you trying to hurt someone emotionally, but someone else is exposed to damage incidentally by your need to take revenge in that way... It sounds so toxic. To continue with TTSP's "basics" paradigm - this behavior sounds like another "bad" element of his basic foundation.

[loquaciousl]

This too shall pass: Yes it was me that posted yesterday. I guess I hadn't been logged in at the time.

 

Trimmer:

 

He cheated on ex #1 (his most recent) with ex #2 (a previous gf). He was closer to marrying ex #1, and was getting revenge on ex #2.

 

Yes, it made me wary of his trustworthiness. Funny update, I signed him off (like it said in my most recent post) and last night I recieved an email from him apologizing for being so silent and that he knew it was "uncool" of him. I found myself annoyed at the whole situation today b/c also in this email he said, "It wasn't my intention." which screams "BULLS**T!" to me. How can it not be your intention. ARggggh!