She Says She Needs 'SPACE'

[DaVinche]

Hi there, ive been going through a heart wrenching break up with my now ex girlfriend, i appeiciate that most of us on here have our own issues but if you have a few minutes of your time to give possitive/sincere advice i would be most grateful:)

 

here is my story (ill try not to bore)

 

we first locked eyes when we met in her work place (a salon) in march 2004, we used to flirt and smile etc, after a few visits we finally started dating etc.....

 

she was a junior at the time (earning £80 per week) then through hard work and determination she became a stylist earning lots more + having career progression (ill come back to this later.

 

so our relationship was happy for 2 years straight with not 1 argument, during this time i was looking for a job in fitness as a fitness instructor and couldnt find one...

 

in dec 2005 however i did and in march 2006 we bort our first house together and although money was tight we were still fine and happy.

 

right so as a youngster looking around i had no male role models so seeing my girlfriend go from earning nothing to been one of the most successful stylists in her salon made me think ''wow if she can do it so can i''

 

as i fitness intructor i worked crap hours and equally crap pay, this was the start of the end! my other half would sit at home alone sometimes till midnight before i would have finished my shift, so in that respect we wernt seeing each other as much as we should...

 

so as you can imagine when my boss told me he thinks im ready to become a personal trainer i jumped at the chance!! 1. it meant what i thort would be better hours. 2. no more cleaning sweaty treadmills. 3. my girlfriend and family would be proud that i have stuck at something for once. 4. more money. 5. equals happiness together right? ....WRONG

 

you see because i was so focused on pursuing this job (which was commission only) even when the clients started to dry up i was stubborn and thort if i gave up, everyone would think oh there he goes again.

 

now because i wasnt earning enough to pay the mortgage (which was causing tension obviously) i decided '' hey i know!! ill move out to focus on this job so when things do pick up i can come back and we will live happily ever after''..

 

my girlfriend advised that i get a partime job to cover the mortgage but it was kinda hard to do that as i was pretty much on call.

 

here was my first mistake. i left her! when packing my stuff to leave i had massive doubts in my mind. but thort it was too late to turn back. it was sort of like when you see a car come toward you but your too scared to move or react (unless it has happend before). i pursued MY dream... not OURS!

 

i moved into shared flats and did the usual.. got drunk everyday, partied alot. as housemate was a dj and pursued in personal training. to her credit she gave me the space i required then one day i thort.. 'ok ive partied n stuff' but i sat down and thort.. ''ive got someone who deeply loves me and would do anything for me, what the hell am i doing!!??'' so after an emotional phone call or two we met up again, was weird at first as we were both aprehensive but she had ALL the charm of when we first met:)

 

we then got back together and this is where i made my second mistake, you know how girls like to be made how to feel special? well i dint do that. i was to busy playing computer games etc like an idiot.

 

as you can imagine she wasnt happy, but didnt say anything at the time so i stupidly assumed everything was fine.

 

other things i failed to do were. help around the house, make her feel like she was the 'one', do things together apart from sleep with each other, treat her as good as she deserved to be treated etc...

 

i didnt do all this purposely, but because i knew no better. in past i would not dream of doing stuff like that for girls as in my area they wer all one nighters and just after one thing. i suppose i was in awe of what an amazing woman she was, she was everything i ever wanted but because i was so used to just been in relationships for a cpl months at a time that never got too serious i didnt search hard enough to show her how i felt about her.

 

i remember the first time she told me she loved me i didnt know what to say... the reason for that been tha last time someone told me that they love me they said they cant see me anymore because they wernt ready for love.

 

so basically my situation is that i have been single now since march 5th, and have contacted her most days since then. to her credit she hasnt told me to f off! i suppose in my mind i wernt romantic etc which led to this seperation, so i thort that if i do romantic things for her it would make it ok. she appreiciates what i have done but maintains she needs space.

 

been a man i find that hard to accept as i think she would just erase me from her memory. and yes it is sad but it has taken all this for me to realise that i have a gift! a gift sent from heaven in the form of a sweet irish girl called Teresa. she has found her gift too which is the key to my heart. i now know that love just isnt how you feel about someone, but what you do for that special someone!

 

i admitt i have been desperate at times and even seeked the guidance of a suprisingly accurate psychic/medium who pretty much told me that aslong as she is not pressured and i show her i mean my intensions with love we will re unite, although this will take time and alot of hard work, and im ready for that.

 

i know the love is still there but she finds it hard to trust in me again, as i have let her down in the past. if given this chance i know we can be happy, she just needs to let her defences down and ill be ther for her all the way.

 

sorry for the long post but i felt it important to get the full story down before asking for your advice. if youve got this far then thanks for reading

[New Hope]

If she wants space, respect it!! go into no contact for 30 days or longer if must, no emails, no txt, no nothing....just vanish man...its gonna be hard the first week but u have to do it if u want her back.., trust me I been there..for every 3 times she calls you, give her a call back to discuss important issues like making payments on the house treat her like a friend, dont bring up the relationship, let her do it if she doesnt bring it up then dont bring it up...during no contact is to focus on improving yourself!! act like you cool with her asking for space..Date Date Date other people...make sure u get a better job, girls like guys who are always improving...whats meant to be will be...the only way all this can work if she truly loved you....

[DaVinche]

thanks man, suppose the hardest thing is i know it was ME that messed up and have done a lot of soul searching lately and know that i wouldnt mess up again, if we were both trying 100% and we split then fair enuff, but because i know i havent given her a fraction of what she deserves i want to show her that i can be her dream man.

 

in a nutshell the only way i can get her back is by not trying to get her back!!! one of lifes many contradictions lol.

 

advice taken onboard and appreiciated

[New Hope]

Let yourself get out of her negative zone!!...she'll be back just give it time...at least you admit u messup thats a start..just take what you learned from this relationship and apply it to the next....practice "Apathy" remember no contact is to improve yourself whether she comes back or not..I know my ex girlfriend said she wanted space, played my position after screwing up many times, she came back to me..wasn't ready to come back because she still wanted fun, so I told her you just been cut off for the remainder of my life...havent spoken to her in 3 weeks...but anyways just focus on yourself...date and have fun with other women...the moment you get your act together, word will spread...who knows when the times comes if u still want her back...remember what she does is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS...be cool like James Bond...PRACTICE PRACTICE "APATHY"....

[Dubb]

Yes give her space! My ex wanted time by herself and at first I chased. She kept me around for a good 4 months and has just recently blew me off. She is probably seeing someone else now. Just keep your respect and worry about you.

[DaVinche]

cheers mate, will have to look up the word 'apathy' tho lol

 

any girls out there got any advice?? good to hear from both sides of the fence

[New Hope]

Apathy - absence or suppression of passion, emotion, or excitement. 2.lack of interest in or concern for things that others find moving or exciting.

[kepners]

listen up.

 

BE A MAN! grow up and improve yourself. you have realised you ****ed up, FINE and fair enough! but FFS, grows some balls and do something about it. you have honestly had ur second chance with this woman and you balls'd it up! so in truth, do not expect a third! seriously DONT!!

 

i know i am being hard on you, but u are ur own worst enemy. I want my ex back so much... and you got yours and still ****ed it.

you have to grow up, stop being a crybaby. New hope knows my view on this, because i have advised him.

but youve already had your chance and you were so arrogant and selfish towards her... now your all sad because you have lost her... mate, you did it to yourself. you have no one else to blame but yourself.

 

there really isnt any one thing you can do to get her back, ur situation is different to newhopes.

 

Your really going to have to get a proper job in a freaking office or whatever... rather than being a kid and playing game and getting pissed... i mean uv not even said how many times you cheated on her! .... and in all honesty i bet you did... which is why your really kicking your self, because you think your all that because your a fitness instructor. well what goes around.

 

on a positive note as i have kicked you enough, u know ur a twat, so thats a start. u have to sit down and think there is more to me then being a douchbag!

women love mentally strong men who know where they are going and what they are doing and how they are doing it. you my friend need to look at yourself and realise the truths. and stop focusing on her, because that train has gone, you only hope is that you learn to drive or fly so u can catch up the train...

 

sorry for being so hard mate, but you need to betold. THOUGH its only my opinion. and who i am. you have some work to do...

[loveinlife]

Kepners,

 

Very inspiring words that you put in here. Harsh to say on a person but truthful. Just reading that post has inspired to see what you are talking about. Loved that analogy about the train, all we can do is learn to catch up to it and improve ourselves. awesome bro!

 

i am growing through a hard time myself. hope you can give me a few words on my post. Thanks =)

[kepners]

the analogy is derived from my fav band atm.... SNOW PATROL - chasing cars.

 

that song title comes from his dad's advice to him about chasing women is like chasing cars... they are always moving etc... well you can work the rest out... ferraris etc etc

 

and listen to the whole snow patrol album. its all about his relationship with his girl etc.

but your welcome. i hope one day i this chasing of my car stop so i can actually get in her. and drive off in to the distance... i fear i my have had one chance with her. such is life

 

oh whats the URL for the thread

[MattNZ]

Space = space mate.

 

I'm learning that slowly but surely! We had a dodgy patch that has ultimately resulted in us 'calling it quits for now' to see how it goes. Now, if I go pursuing her and trying to make her see what we have (had), that is just going to push her away. As hard as it is, you need to look after yourself. Get yourself in to a good space and remain positive while giving her space at the same time.

 

I'm not saying it's a magical cure, but it maximises your chances. If she sees you getting on with it and not moping or whining/begging - you will be a much greater attraction to her.

 

Good luck bro!

[littlebopeep]

Quote.

 

here was my first mistake. i left her! when packing my stuff to leave i had massive doubts in my mind. but thort it was too late to turn back. it was sort of like when you see a car come toward you but your too scared to move or react (unless it has happend before). i pursued MY dream... not OURS!

 

Hmmm.sounds very much like my ex.1st time he left me was after 2 years.We had a couple of minor arguments but not so bad to end an otherwise fantastic relationship,it didnt help that he dumped me just 2 months after my dad died.

 

We got back together 2 months later and things were really good again but i was hearing rumours he was seeing some1 else during our split which although it was none of my business because we were split up at the time,upset me because in my opinion he must have been thinking about seeing her at a time when i needed him most.

 

He never admitted it but when his best friends told me i was too good for him i knew it was true but he tried to twist things around and say i was paranoid and insecure and that his friends were only saying it because they fancied me.

 

I loved him so much that i gave him another chance and the next 2.5 years we spent saving for our future.Things were lookin fantastic.Then he had to go away for a year but we sorted holidays etc so that we could still see each other at some point.

 

We knew it would be hard but thought our love was strong enough.He was only gone 5 weeks and i paid quite alot of money to go and see him for a week.Had a fantastic week and then dumped me.Said he still loved me but wanted to concentrate on his career.He too questioned himself as to whether he had made the right decision but said he couldnt turn back,that was 7 months ago and hes since avoided me as much as he can.

 

I suspect hes seeing some1 but he wont admit it,i cant see why because we are over and can do whatever we want.The stupid thing is if he had told me he had made a mistake right up till a week ago i would maybe have worked things out with him although it would have been hard.Trust is something that requires alot of work to rebuild if ever once its been broken.

 

Now i no longer care if i ever see or hear from him again.He threw 4.5 years away without a second thought,hes not worth it and im now on the dating scene again.

 

Why you people throw the good things you have in your life away is beyond me.I wish i could say that youe ex would give you another chance but she doesnt trust you and whos to say you wont do it again when you get bored.

 

I wish you luck but will say to you dont hurt her again she doesnt deserve it.

[DaVinche]

Y mattnz that is something i am coming to terms with now. we stil talk but i am going to do nc now. she says she wants to come bk because she wants to and not because she feels pressured, which i understand.

 

littlebopeep. thd thing is my judgement was clouded because i thort in the long run me pursuing the job would lead to happiness for us both long term but was selfish in that respect. cheating wasnt an issue as others on this post may have you believe. and im not an arrogant twat either. i loved her as much as i love her now but what this has tort me is that love isnt just way u feel about someone. its how you show them that and what you do for them. ye sure its no excuse for what i have or havent done, but she has earned my respect and least i can do is give her space. lbp i wont ever hurt her again. i have truly realised how important she is to me. i dont just wanna romance her to get her bk then thats it! i wanna treat her how she deserves to be. i suppose the fact that ive finally realised this (although maybe too late) is a small move in right direction. thanks for help