layercakegal Posted April 15, 2007 Posted April 15, 2007 ive know this guy coming up on 2 years, we've become best friends in that time but since i moved away to uni its been hard, and we've grown apart so so much. i have strong feelings for him, and have been clingy, needy and annoying in the past, and present, and hes caused me great hurt through saying and doing things that i dunno, maybe they're hurtful or maybe i just took them as more hurtful because of my feelings for him. now its got to the point where hes unsure if we should be friends at all, as he knows he hurts me but he cant help it because really whatever he does is never enough, i always want more. wow i sound like a bitch now i think about it. so hes basically said its probably better if we arent friends, as i can have a clean break and that he brings too much hurt into my life. he says he wants me to be happy and if being 'just friends' is too hard for me and causing me too much pain then maybe we should just forget about each other. the thing is, i dont think i can, i NEED him in my life because im so emotionally attatched, and if we stopped being friends id just cry all the time and just go numb, i have no idea what to do. please please help? :(
Magnatolia Posted April 15, 2007 Posted April 15, 2007 Have you become attracted to him on an emotional level. You know, where you connect with a friend on such a deep level (you talk all the time, etc) that these feelings developed because of that? If so, then rather than break off the friendship put it on the backburner, make some good friends at uni. Try and have at least one person you can talk about everything to, see if that changes how you feel about him. It sounds to me like you've become too dependant on him.
Author layercakegal Posted April 15, 2007 Author Posted April 15, 2007 thanks for the quick reply! yes, i think theyve developed from being so close to him, telling him everything, each of us being the other one we confided in about things. hes talking about not being friends at all, and im worried that hes already made up his mind, and is not treating me like a friend already, even though he says 'maybe we shouldnt be' like we still are. i am too dependant on him, i know that, but im not ready to lose him completely. id rather try to be less dependant on him and more distant than stop everything altogether, but it sounds and feels to me like we have already stopped being friends. life sucks
EricOnTheWeb Posted April 15, 2007 Posted April 15, 2007 hey there,LayerCakegal. This sounds like a friendship on the internet I had with a girl that was married. We met on a website and I learned alot about horses and stuff from her,and I felt ok taliking on the web with her,it was fun. Like you I became clingy and annoying. After a while she thought I was after to break up her marriage and claim her for myself which is frustrating,but was not at all what I wanted...Yes I was disappointed we could never actually meet...I thought it sucked eggs lol. I admit I had some feelings for her...mostly just a crush,but not because I found her sexy or something like that,she really wasn't my type,and I always thought of her as my little nerd LOL... I dunno,I guess it's because she has this amazing personality about her...everytime we talked I would get smiling lol....She's the type that anyone would like to know in person...she's very sweet,but a little wacky! LOL...a good kind of wacky lol. Yeah I know how it feels to NOT have them for a friend anymore,but sometimes we need to move on...I'm just now realizing that....its very tough.. ***Huggs*** (Eric)
Author layercakegal Posted April 15, 2007 Author Posted April 15, 2007 aww thanks eric. *hugs* back at you for your situation. i still havent spoken to him, and all along ive had this thing that he wasnt really my friend, like he was pretending because he got something out of it. every situation, id find something that meant he was just lying and pretending to be my friend to get something out of it. because of this i think i expected more from him, because i needed to know he was prepared to do things to show he was my friend, i think i tested our friendship more and more to make sure it was real. i still havent spoken to him, but i hope to god i can salvage this. i understand and think its best if we take a break, but i also think we should still be friends in the long run, as i wouldnt like to say 'thats it. we are no longer friends. its final. goodbye.' we have been through a lot, and sometimes when you're about to lose something you only begin to realise what it is you had. i hope we can still be friends thanks u guys for the support and advice, you're awesome
Magnatolia Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 Are we really the ones you should be telling that you hope to remain friends with him? Tell him, just let him know that you feel like he is pulling away from you. See how he reacts.
2ndIINone Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 Tell him, just let him know that you feel like he is pulling away from you. See how he reacts.= N.E.E.D.Y His reaction??? It'll come off as pressure on him... in turn, pushing him away in the long run. True friendship wouldn't die off just like that... IF he was truly your friend. Give him and yourself some space... some time to miss each other. Don't start questioning things about the friendship... if it will last, continue, feelings, emotions... "why won't you call me????"... etc.... Keep busy.... keep your distance..
Magnatolia Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 No it's not needy. It's honest. I don't mean go up to him and beg for his friendship. No all friendships survive, whether they are 'true' or not. Most friendships suffer when one side gets strong feelings towards the other, and they're not reciprocated. Which is what has happened here. Maybe I worded that wrong. Obviously her feelings (and the anger at him not feeling the same way) are the reason he suggested not being friends. She needs to apologize for whatever she did to upset him. But yes she needs to talk to him. There could be a million reasons why he's 'pulling away'. I got one off the top of my head. The gf is jealous of his strong friendship he had with her and is doing what she can to break them apart. Just an example obviously.
Fun2BMe Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 i still havent spoken to him, and all along ive had this thing that he wasnt really my friend, like he was pretending because he got something out of it. every situation, id find something that meant he was just lying and pretending to be my friend to get something out of it. If he was lying and pretending, why are you so badly dependent on him? Find a real friend. because of this i think i expected more from him, because i needed to know he was prepared to do things to show he was my friend, i think i tested our friendship more and more to make sure it was real. Well, he has obviously failed the tests and you still want him. Why? I won't give advice on how to get him back as a 'friend' because it doesn't sound like he ever was and it's not healthy for you to have him in your life. I think it's a good thing the separation came about to make you see he doesn't really care. I know this is tough on you, but it's the truth.
Author layercakegal Posted April 16, 2007 Author Posted April 16, 2007 wow it looks like im starting an argument! that cant be good....and i dont know how to do the 'quote' thingy either..... In response to Magnatolia: I just thought id tell u guys anyway, altho i will obviously tell him too. Im sort of spurting my feelings out on here lol. In response to 2ndIINone: I know we need a break, but what i dont want to happen is to take a break which he takes as we arent talking anymore, and for him to assume we are no longer friends, when i still think we are. The question that currently still hangs in the balance is 'are we going to still be friends' so there does need to be some communication. In response to Magnatolia: (2nd Post) He said im not really a priority anymore, between his gf, college, and jobs. As far as i know me and his gf get along, so much so that she wanted me to go on holiday with him, and wants him to spend time with me. I dont know what ive done to upset him, i think its just my general attitude rather than one specific thing. (damn, theyre usually easier to fix.) In response to Fun2BeMe: I dont know if i was making myself *think* he was lying and pretending, or if he really was. He lives about half an hour away, and whenever he would come to my town, it would be because he was doing something else (an appointment for example) and would see me while he was here. When he came with his girlfriend, he would leave her to go shopping, and would meet up with me. From this i thought 'hes just killing time because he doesnt want to go shopping, its not really because he wants to see me, just something to do.' About the testing, i think i expected him to do more than i would expect of my other friends, which was unfair, like making him do things to show he was my friend. I dont think he does care anymore to be honest, i mean hes really out & out said he doesnt i suppose. The most important things in his life are: Him, the his GF, then work, then college. Friends come last. One thing that really bugged me though, i moved away to university last september, im still in my first year. He's been down to visit me ONCE, when id only been there for about a week and a half, because he broke up with his gf and needed to get away. Im so saddened and upset that he hasnt come to see me again. The thing is, i NEED him so i cant let the friendship just die out, because i'll be crushed. I'll just be a mess. Thanks u guys
Fun2BMe Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 I dont think he does care anymore to be honest, i mean hes really out & out said he doesnt i suppose. The most important things in his life are: Him, the his GF, then work, then college. Friends come last. That's a normal order of importance. In your case if you want honesty, you were a potential friend but because you are SO SO SO SO SO SO needy, you belong in a category afer friend which nobody has time for unless they don't go to school or have a girlfriend and work and friends. You want too much from him and I can relate to him, I'd drop you cold turkey too. He visited you to see if having moved away would've changed you but he saw that you were even more needier and he doesn't want to have anything to do with you. I don't think you can blame him!
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