Guest Posted April 15, 2007 Share Posted April 15, 2007 Background (you can skip to the bottom with the ***'s if you want to cut to the chase) We've been married for almost 9 years and we've had a great relationship. I've been obese throughout our relationship but my husband still finds many sexy things to say about my body. I've tried to diet and exercise throughout our whole marriage and I've had some success, but due to an illness I'm actually larger now than I was when we got married. I do not have many religious or moral issues with viewing porn. I have enjoyed looking at porn with my husband and in the past I have used porn to arouse him and then took advantage of the situation. The problem I have now is with low self esteem and then low libido. About a year ago I purchased a membership to pay site where my husband can view porn, I figured that it was safer for our computer and I trusted him with this site. Recently I've been jealous when my husband looks at other women's pictures on other web sites (myspace, company website, etc...) There are some attractive, fit women in these photos and I felt that there is a loss of anonymity. I mentioned my feelings about this to my husband and he agreed to stop looking at what we call "real" people (people he has met or could possible meet in a work setting). Now, with my self esteem low the thought of my husband looking at porn has become personal, now it's not just for visual stimulation, it is to fill the void of what he can't have with me- fit, sexy women. He denied this and I asked why, then, he doesn't look at picture of women my size or shape. He assured me that he has (although I cannot find any evidence of this on our computer). But just recently, when I asked him if he would stop looking at porn if I had a sexier body he said, "hard to say...but I hope I would." Which screams loud and clear, that in my situation, the porn is necessary to him at some level. Following the low self esteem I acquired a low libido. My thoughts now are, "I don't feel sexy so how could my husband want to have sex with me?"; "my husband looks at porn to fill the attractiveness void in our relationship, I'm not enough for him", and so on. I wish that by understanding that my weight does matter to our sex life it would help my with my weight loss battle, but that is still a fight for me. After a conversation about my lack of sex drive I asked him if I could try cyber sex to enhance my libido. It was something I used to do before we got married and it was sometimes enjoyable. I was told that I couldn't, because it would be cheating. ***And, FINALLY my dilemma: if I cannot do cyber sex (which would be verbally stimulating to me), because it is cheating, is it reasonable that I feel jealous because my husband looks at porn (which is visually stimulating to him)? Would it just be spiteful to ask him to stop looking at porn? *** Link to post Share on other sites
FireandIce Posted April 16, 2007 Share Posted April 16, 2007 I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time. I know firsthand how being overweight can ruin your sex life and self esteem. It almost ruined my marriage. It wasn't until I kicked my husband out (and then found out that he had an affair) that I started to work on myself. I've now lost almost 30 pounds with another 28 to go but I'm doing it for myself, not for anyone else. It's tough though. It's amazing what dropping a little bit of weight can do for your self esteem though. I think that is most of your problem and until you do it for yourself then I highly doubt any of your marital problems will go away. My story is VERY similar to yours. I wasn't overweight when we got married but gained a bunch with my first pregnancy. My husband and I had problems a couple of years later and we split up for 8 months. During that time I lost all of the weight and then some and felt great about myself. We ended up working things out and everything was great until I had our second child. I did the same thing, gained a HUGE amount of weight and felt like crap about myself. Because I was feeling so awful about myself I started taking it out on him. He'd always tell me how beautiful I was, never ever mentioning my weight. He was constantly complimenting me but because of my low self esteem I got it in my head that the only reason he was saying these things was to get sex, that he didn't really believe what he was saying. Well this went on for three years. He was looking at porn and I put a stop to that. It wasn't really the fact that he was looking at it (I never had a problem with it in the past but I did all of a sudden), it was more, like you, the girls he was looking at. It really bothered me. Well long story short, he quit looking at porn like I asked. This was about a year ago. His reasoning behind it was because I never wanted to have sex (like you, with low self esteem comes low sex drive) and instead of finding it somewhere else he'd look at porn. Well that was up until last summer. He became very distant and was no longer complimenting me and stuff like that. I knew something was wrong but I was already so angry about myself that I just blamed him once again. I couldn't see the fact that I hadn't shown him any attention in almost 3 1/2 years so of course it bothered him (sex 5 times in almost 4 years....yeah, it was bad). Anyways I found out he had lied to me about something totally unrelated and I kicked him out. I then found out that he had been having an affair since last summer. Started out emotional and then turned into a physical one near the end of the year. I was devastated. Every fear that I had came to life. She was the total opposite of me, tiny, young, no kids, etc. (I am cuter than she is though...lol "You'd be so beautiful if you just lost the weight", yeah, I was one of those people). It really bothered me. Anyways I just looked at myself in the mirror one day and thought how disgusting I looked and I started working out and working on my eating that day. That was back in February and now I'm almost 30 pounds lighter with 28 more to go. Well you'd be surprised how a little weight can increase your sex drive. I did alot of searching inside myself as well and realized that it was my weight and my low self esteem that ruined my marriage. Sex is so incredibly important in a marriage. I cannot stress that enough. Don't let it get to the point that I did. If your husband is just looking at porn then consider yourself lucky. Work on yourself! Go to a doctor for help if you have to. If your husband is important enough to you then you will want to make every effort to make your marriage work and that includes taking care of yourself. Don't let yourself believe "well if he doesn't love me for me then he's not worth it" (or whatever you're thinking) because that's not fair to him, you or your marriage. He sounds like he does love you no matter what you look like so it really has nothing to do with your weight when it comes to him. It does however when it comes to you so obviously that's where the main problem stems from. As for him not wanting you to "cyber" with people, well I agree with him. I think speaking sexually to another person (whether it be in person or on the computer) is cheating. You're going to make your husband think that he no longer turns you on and from what I'm reading, that's really not the case. It will cause more problems in your marriage. Like I said, you need to work on yourself because it sounds like that's where your issues are stemming from. Oh and a little update about my marriage, we are now working things out. It was never another woman he wanted, it was me. He loves sex (what man doesn't?) and it was a big thing in our relationship but I didn't see it that way. I never thought it was important until I looked back at everything and how it unravled. A man (or woman for that matter) can only be pushed away and rejected for so long before they turn to another person to get their needs fulfilled. I'm not justifying his behavior but honestly, I can see why he did it. I just don't want the same thing to happen to you. Link to post Share on other sites
SydneyHeart Posted April 18, 2007 Share Posted April 18, 2007 Sorry I am a bit confused, but I did want to say 2 things. 1/ Why can't you do cyber sex with him, like when he is at work or something, I don't know. Wouldn't be cheating at least. Im confused about how this would increase your libido and aid your marriage, but I guess you know how it will do those things. 2/ I posted a bit ago about how I found my husband had porn of obese women, and should I be worried because I am not! Point being, everybody has their issues, and no matter what you look like if you have insecurities you will wonder if he is looking for something you don't have! Hubby also had his longest relationship before he met me with an obese woman....so, yeah, I'm wondering if he wants me to be bigger, and if he finds me not very exciting to look at because I am not! I guess you and I can learn from each other a bit Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted April 19, 2007 Share Posted April 19, 2007 Sorry I am a bit confused, but I did want to say 2 things. 1/ Why can't you do cyber sex with him, like when he is at work or something, I don't know. Wouldn't be cheating at least. Im confused about how this would increase your libido and aid your marriage, but I guess you know how it will do those things. 2/ I posted a bit ago about how I found my husband had porn of obese women, and should I be worried because I am not! Point being, everybody has their issues, and no matter what you look like if you have insecurities you will wonder if he is looking for something you don't have! Hubby also had his longest relationship before he met me with an obese woman....so, yeah, I'm wondering if he wants me to be bigger, and if he finds me not very exciting to look at because I am not! I guess you and I can learn from each other a bit ****1. ****Actually, we have tried cyber and it was nice. My "whine" was that someone else was involved in his visual stimulation (I know the argument about the videos and pictures are not "live" people, and although the girls who are in the videos and pictures may not have personal contact with my husband, they did it either because they get off on the thought of guys looking at their bodies or for the money; so they get something out of it as well). I think that personally I was trying to get a point across to him that if he is looking at pictures (and videos) of women for stimulation then why couldn't I stimulate myself with erotic words of interactive chat. As I look back at my post (now that it's not in the heat of the moment) it just sounds like I'm jealous (which I am) and if I couldn't do something then neither can he. I don't REALLY want to have cyber with other guys- it was just the thought that because that is considered cheating I cant do it but he can still look at porn that pissed me off. The bottom line is that doing cyber would not have aided my marriage. It may have aroused me but I think it would have put him into the position that I was in of not feeling adequate or whatever. I don't understand what it is about guys and porn. I just want to go back to not taking it personal or using it as a gage on how healthy our relationship is. 2. That's interesting. I guess the "grass is greener" will always come into play. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
Sal Paradise Posted April 19, 2007 Share Posted April 19, 2007 Cyber and Porn are two different things and can't be compared at all. Cyber involves another real person. Porn doesn't. My gf and I are fine with the other looking at porn but neither of us would be ok with the other having cyber sex. Anything (including webcams) that involves another real person interacting with either of us in a sexual way would be cheating. So I don't blame him for not being ok with you cybering. Even if you can get past the fact that the person cybering is engaging in a sexual act with another real person (I couldn't) you also run the risk of them becoming emotionally involved with this person. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted April 20, 2007 Share Posted April 20, 2007 Just a few cents from my perspective... I was about 20 lbs overweight when we got married. About 5 years into the marriage my husband confessed that he had a frequent porn habit (I wouldn't have minded it but he kept it secret and then one day just blurted out that he watched it frequently). Anyway we had the conversation about what's OK and what's not OK (porn fine, cyber and strip clubs not ok). Fast forward 2 years. I found out my husband went to a strip club about 20 times. This was a shock to me and it's been very hard to deal with the broken trust. Because I though I might be part of the reason he was going it motivated me to act on myself too, and I've lnow lost a total of 25 lbs and look awesome and fit now. I have a healthy libido, initiate sex frequently, meet him at the door in lingerie sometimes, and never turn him down even if I'm not in the mood. And guess what? All that hasn't changed my husband's internet porn habit one iota. In fact, I recently discovered that the sonofabitch is having himself a great time with a pay site's webcam -- which according to our agreement is strictly off limits. I'm not sure how to bring this up as I was not supposed to be snooping on his computer , so there's that common catch-22... Anyway, didn't want to make this about me, just wanted to say that you should NOT blame yourself or feel bad about yourself because your husband is looking at porn. If you were fit and thin he would probably still do it anyway. (As an aside, when Ethan Hawke cheated on Uma Thurman a while ago it made me realize that men clearly do not cheat simply because their wife isn't hot enough --- HULLO he married UMA THURMAN. If SHE ain't hot enough to be non-cheatworthy - if it were about looks - then most of us would be completely SOL!) If you decide to commit to losing weight, you must do it for yourself. The self esteem is the single largest benefit. In fact, I've gained so much of it that I'm now considering separating from my husband and listening to everything that my friends and family have said for a long time about his massive selfishness. (oops sorry, made it about me again!) Shelly Link to post Share on other sites
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