LakesideDream Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 Fun2, "They" were 1 year to the week into their "4 year plan".. which I never fully understood, except that the OM's youngest child was 14 years old (he was married). We had moved to a new home, in a new city, almost exactly a year before, to "start our new life as empty nesters", leaving friends and family behind. She chose the city.. funny thing, guess who lived here? We had missed the matinee of the movie Pearl Harbor by a few minutes and had a hour to burn having lunch.. on the way she said... "I want to leave you" "I need space, I want to find out if I can live on my own". HaHa. I drove home, she took her car saying she needed to "take a drive" to clear her head (first time). Leaving me at home shattered. What I didn't know was that she had an OM supplied cell phone in her purse. She couldn't wait to tell him. No she never apologised, by the time the lies were exposed I was past listening, so it wouldn't have mattered. No I don't hate "women" either. I just don't spend time with liers. Sadly I haven't found one that could go two months without telling a whopper. At 57.. 58 next month I consider myself lucky to have a good cat, with a few years left in him.
Author Fun2BMe Posted April 16, 2007 Author Posted April 16, 2007 Fun2, "They" were 1 year to the week into their "4 year plan".. which I never fully understood, except that the OM's youngest child was 14 years old (he was married). We had moved to a new home, in a new city, almost exactly a year before, to "start our new life as empty nesters", leaving friends and family behind. She chose the city.. funny thing, guess who lived here? Since you say 'here', do you still live in the same town as your ex and her new husband? So she was planning on staying with you 4 more years it sounds like until his son turned 18 then they were going to jointly divorce their spouses. But if that was the case, she wouldn't have volunteered to leave you. We had missed the matinee of the movie Pearl Harbor by a few minutes and had a hour to burn having lunch.. on the way she said... "I want to leave you" "I need space, I want to find out if I can live on my own". HaHa. I drove home, she took her car saying she needed to "take a drive" to clear her head (first time). Leaving me at home shattered. What I didn't know was that she had an OM supplied cell phone in her purse. She couldn't wait to tell him. It sounds like she wanted to keep the other man a secret and leave you for 'space.' How did you find out about the whole affair? No she never apologised, by the time the lies were exposed I was past listening, so it wouldn't have mattered. I think it would've mattered. I can't believe how selfish and insensitive she is to have not apologized. That's kind of scary how out of the blue she leaves after all those years. Which makes me wonder, didn't you have a gut feeling what was going on and maybe chose to ignore it out of denial or fear??? No I don't hate "women" either. I just don't spend time with liers. Sadly I haven't found one that could go two months without telling a whopper. At 57.. 58 next month I consider myself lucky to have a good cat, with a few years left in him. Well I think you'd agree that nobody wants to spend time with liars. What kind of whopper are we talking about? Do they lie about their age? Or is it on the scale of their marital status. We can't find perfection, since we're not perfect ourselves. Don't let her ruin your golden years. If it makes you feel better, I'm sure there are thousands of people in a similar situation as you, male and female. Maybe you can find a nice woman who can appreciate an honest man and his cat.
lonelybird Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 The need that want to be in control can cause many problems for ourselves. Being in control can give us some sense of safety and power when things are under our control; but when things are out of our control, we feel powerless, frustrated, hurt. Often people value themselves by the degree of controlling the environment, which can backfire to us. as human being, we are only one small part of the universe, there are many outside elements around us that we cannot and should not control. But remember and realize one thing that the things happen to you no matter they are good or bad, in the end, will benefit you as long as you let God, or let universe. Give up the need for controlling is a great merit in our lives, can lead us to peace, and to next level.
LakesideDream Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 Fun2, To answer your questions: The ex and her BF moved across the country for a year for "business" as soon as he filed for divorce in Calif. (which takes time), when his divorce was final they moved back to this state, to a small town 2 hrs away from where I am currently living. I haven't seen them "around town" in 6 years. I assume they are fairly carefull. Did I have suspicions? Actually no. She was a supurb illusionist. Did I wonder occasionally at "curious" events, yes, however I took her at her word. After all, we had been man and wife, raised children.. generally faced all of life's perils together forever. She always got the benifit of the doubt... oh, and I was madly in love with her throughout. That's not denial or fear, that's marriage. I found out about the affair 10 days after she gave her speach, when she was still living in the house preparing to find an apt. etc. First her purse "rang". At the time we both shared a Cell phone, and it was on the table, her purse was across the room. This was before there was memory in cell phones, or screens or anything like that. Second by accident she left an email screen open on the computer, which made it all obvious. Once caught, she didn't denigh it, she threw it up to me, to humiliate me. As for an apology.. I can't remember any apology's from her in 25 years, not counting things like being late picking me up, or forgetting something minor. It wasn't in her personality. Finally, "Whoppers".. how about this one. Dated a gal for 3 plus months, had a lot of fun. She was more "serious" about having a realtionship than I, or so it seemed. She asked for and I agreed to an exclusive dating relationship. One day, it came out that she had an "online boyfriend" who was driving across the country to meet her in person in the near future.. needless to say, that was the last time I saw her. That was a "whopper" by omission. Hope that answers some of your questions.
Author Fun2BMe Posted April 16, 2007 Author Posted April 16, 2007 The need that want to be in control can cause many problems for ourselves. Being in control can give us some sense of safety and power when things are under our control; but when things are out of our control, we feel powerless, frustrated, hurt. Often people value themselves by the degree of controlling the environment, which can backfire to us. as human being, we are only one small part of the universe, there are many outside elements around us that we cannot and should not control. But remember and realize one thing that the things happen to you no matter they are good or bad, in the end, will benefit you as long as you let God, or let universe. Give up the need for controlling is a great merit in our lives, can lead us to peace, and to next level. So does that mean you think forgiving is giving up control? And is that bad or good in your opinion? You say being in control makes us feel safe but that its not good, so I'm not clear on your point.
Author Fun2BMe Posted April 16, 2007 Author Posted April 16, 2007 Lakeside, yes that answers my questions. It also re-enforces my decision to not get married. I mean that scares the hell out of me. I can't believe a spouse you are in love with, let alone for over 25 years, can do that, and on top of it treat you that way after the fact. wow, that's I think the worse story I've ever heard re: a relationsohip and scares me to death. I guess you can never really trust or know ANYONE except yourself.
LakesideDream Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 Fun2, ?? I am a believer in marriage as an institution, and as an ultimate expression of romantic love. Even in my most bitter moments, I acknowledge that during my 25 year marriage, I enjoyed at least 2 good whole months, a dozen good weeks, and a hundred good days. That's a lot to be thankful for. That being said, it's difficult to enjoy the memories after the more recent history. I have to mention as well that there have been a few good weeks since, and a couple of good days. Also blessings. Thanks for your concern, however I believe I have read worse on LS. It's past for me. I can write it, talk about it without reliving it.
lonelybird Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 So does that mean you think forgiving is giving up control? And is that bad or good in your opinion? You say being in control makes us feel safe but that its not good, so I'm not clear on your point. The need of controlling everything and situation is not good. It is frigid wall we build up to protect ourselves. And it do more harm than good. When thing went out of our control, we think we failed, we will turn our frustration to outside elements, people, think they MAKE us failed. And people define their value and safty based on the ability of controlling outside environment. This is not good too. People should define themselves according inside element (spirit), that doesn't change, no matter what happened. Why does this control lead to more frustration? The world around us have many elements we cannot control, especally human being, the only one we can control is ourselves. Why so many people even know that they are not valued and sometimes emotional abused by their so, but they still stay? there are many reasons, but I think one reason is that they want to gain the control back. If not, they think they fail, so they must win back the one who they don't really love. When we give up the need of controlling everything and situation, forgiving come easily. If relationship is perfect and balanced, the breakup won't happen. That doesn't mean you are not good enough, just that it is not right time and right situation. or there is another more wonderful man waiting for you, and this breakup serve the purpose of bringing you to a better place Because we more trust on God than the temporary situations, and we learn somethings from it and move on. God works things, good and bad, for our welfare in the end. When we trust on God, we can easily ride the wave of life. I don't know if this time I make sense
LakesideDream Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 Because we more trust on God than the temporary situations, and we learn somethings from it and move on. God works things, good and bad, for our welfare in the end. When we trust on God, we can easily ride the wave of life. I don't know if this time I make sense I'm not to sure about your English, however if you are correct when saying that God "works things" ie. God creates horrid situations we must work through then I absolutely would abandon my faith. I am not willing to be a pawn in a Master Beings soap opera.
lonelybird Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 I'm not to sure about your English, however if you are correct when saying that God "works things" ie. God creates horrid situations we must work through then I absolutely would abandon my faith. I am not willing to be a pawn in a Master Beings soap opera Are you humble? or pride? pride= big ego Suffering sometimes work for crash the big ego
LakesideDream Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 Are you humble? or pride? pride= big ego Suffering sometimes work for crash the big ego Sorry, there is a clash of cultures here. Am I humble? Not in particular. Pridefull? Absolutely. Big Ego? Well some say so, I wouldn't disagree. I am an individual not a member of a collective. I co-exist with my partners in society, I do not submit to it.
lonelybird Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 Sorry, there is a clash of cultures here. Am I humble? Not in particular. Pridefull? Absolutely. Big Ego? Well some say so, I wouldn't disagree. I am an individual not a member of a collective. I co-exist with my partners in society, I do not submit to it. Big ego no good
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