How do you forgive?

[Fun2BMe]

My therapist is forcing me to forgive my ex bf so I can have closure. I told him I already have closure from when we broke up. He thinks I shouldn't avoid going places I know the ex will be at since we have a lot of mutual friends and the fact that I avoid him means I don't have closure.

 

After having been hurt by someone and the relationship is over, how do you convince yourself to forgive them for the hurt?

 

Maybe I don't have closure like I thought I had since the thought of him makes me emotional and mad at him all over again. Maybe it's true that you can't forget until you forgive, but how do you forgive?

[2ndIINone]

In a nutshell.... and I think what your therapist is trying to say is...

Forgiving = allows you to feel good again. Accepting that is wasn't your fault, it was your ex's fault and that it's ok. Just because it's ok, doesn't mean getting back together... it simply means.... you've reached a new level of maturity, accepted his faults, it didn't work out.... you wish him well and most importantly, his faults, actions, words can't hurt you anymore.

 

For me, I believe when a person is TRULY over being hurt and being mad at the person that did it... then they reached forgiveness.

 

Regarding your therpists reason for wanting you to forgive...

One sentence...

"He who angers you... controls you."

 

in other words.... take away that power from somebody and you've gained a whole new level of selfrespect.

 

Ps...

My therapist is forcing me to forgive my ex bf so I can have closure.

NO therapist can force anyone to forgive anybody. Not for $20/hour OR $150/hour.

It takes time to forgive somebody.

[norajane]

Forgiving isn't something that you do for your ex-bf's benefit; it's for your own benefit, so you can let go of the anger and hurt you are carrying around.

 

Having said that, no one can 'make' you forgive and you can't make yourself forgive. I agree that it takes time and a very strong sense of self to be able to achieve it.

 

You may have closure in the sense you don't want him back, but if you get emotional and angry when you think about him, then you aren't ready to forgive. I think it sometimes takes longer to get to forgiveness if you avoid the pain, avoid thinking about it or talking about it and just bury it hoping it will go away.

 

Do you think you tried to bury your feelings after the break-up instead of accepting them and working through the anger and hurt? Did you talk enough to your therapist about your feelings about the break-up or did you just keep saying you were fine? Did you ask your friends for support during and after the break-up, did you talk about it to them, write about your feelings in a journal? Maybe you still need to go through those steps before you can put it all away and forgive.

[Trialbyfire]

I don't think you can forgive until you've gone through the phases of not caring, then letting go. In essence, you aren't so much forgiving a situation that isn't acceptable to you but not allowing it to bother you.

 

One thing I think therapists need to differentiate, is that to fully forgive someone, you would be willing to take them back, as in LadyJane's situation. This isn't something that I'm prepared to do.

 

Now, back to the forgiving of the individual from another perspective.

 

First you have to accept the person for who they are (you don't need to like, love or even respect them), shrug your shoulders and realize you have no control over them or the situation and honestly don't care to have any. You also have to accept and forgive that you played a role in creating the situation, whether it was active or passive-aggressive participation.

[AriaIncognito]

I agree with the above posters. There's no way for a therapist to put a timeline on forgiveness. (omg that bad movie Just Friends just popped into my head with that crazy girl singing her song called Forgiveness lol - go watch it, it's slightly entertaining). Anyway...

 

I believe it took me years to really forgive my ex (a guy I was with for 4 years) for not only not having me be "the one" but getting engaged 5 months after meeting his now wife, when he'd never given me a ring at 4 years. It hurt me. A lot. I didn't date for 3 years after that and got very happy in my single status (ironically a place I'd like to achieve again now, just don't want it to take years). When I talk to him now (we are still friends but pretty much only online - haven't seen him in person in over a year I'd say) I feel OK about it and have no issues discussing my current situation with him, his problems, etc. Of course I get a little jealous when he talks about his expectant wife, and his daughter, in general because i'm jealous that he has the life I want, but it's not that I've not forgiven.

 

Anyway, point being, it takes a lot of time, and distraction, in order to forgive someone for hurting your heart. If your therapist thinks that he can instill a timeline on it, well then, might be time to find a new therapist...

[2ndIINone]

but if you get emotional and angry when you think about him, then you aren't ready to forgive.

 

good point.

[Fun2BMe]

In a nutshell.... and I think what your therapist is trying to say is...

Forgiving = allows you to feel good again. Accepting that is wasn't your fault, it was your ex's fault and that it's ok. Just because it's ok, doesn't mean getting back together... it simply means.... you've reached a new level of maturity, accepted his faults, it didn't work out.... you wish him well and most importantly, his faults, actions, words can't hurt you anymore.

 

For me, I believe when a person is TRULY over being hurt and being mad at the person that did it... then they reached forgiveness.

 

Regarding your therpists reason for wanting you to forgive...

One sentence...

"He who angers you... controls you."

 

in other words.... take away that power from somebody and you've gained a whole new level of selfrespect.

 

Ps...

 

NO therapist can force anyone to forgive anybody. Not for $20/hour OR $150/hour.

It takes time to forgive somebody.

 

This is an amazing post I will read again and again. I kept thinking that forgiving meant saying that it was 'ok' how he treated me, and yes that's true that if he angers me then he still has contorl over me. Thank you for the words.

[Fun2BMe]

Forgiving isn't something that you do for your ex-bf's benefit; it's for your own benefit, so you can let go of the anger and hurt you are carrying around.

Wow, and I kept thinking that it would send a message that it's ok what he did, and all it would do is make him feel better. But that's so true that it would actually help ME get over the anger. I think now that sitting and waiting for months to go by for the anger to go away won't work so well or as fast as if I 'forgive' or let go of it actively.

 

Having said that, no one can 'make' you forgive and you can't make yourself forgive. I agree that it takes time and a very strong sense of self to be able to achieve it.

Now I can understand why the therapist was 'making' me do it because he senses how angry I am and I guess this is a method to get over it. He had 'forced' me to attend a class he was going to be at last month, but I secretly knew the ex wasn't going to be there, he still calls leaving vms now and then and emails weekly ( I never pick up or respond) and had left a message saying he wanted to talk before he left town.

 

I have been feeling so guilty for not being truthful with the therapist. He was so proud that I went to the class thinking he'd be there when I knew he wasn't going to and he brings it up now and then to pat me on the back on my progress. I"ve been feeling like a fraud inside for having led me to think this.

 

You may have closure in the sense you don't want him back, but if you get emotional and angry when you think about him, then you aren't ready to forgive. I think it sometimes takes longer to get to forgiveness if you avoid the pain, avoid thinking about it or talking about it and just bury it hoping it will go away.

Yes, that seems to be true. As another month has passed I feel more detached and less angry although not 100% anger free. I think at this point I am closer to forgiving, but the word makes me think that to forgive is to say it's ok you treated me like cr** and I'll still talk to you or see you.

 

Do you think you tried to bury your feelings after the break-up instead of accepting them and working through the anger and hurt? Did you talk enough to your therapist about your feelings about the break-up or did you just keep saying you were fine?

I told him upfront that I didn't want to spend so much time talking about my bf. The sessions are very expensive and I get these nightmare flashbacks of my bf saying "talk about it with the therapist" when I was upset and wanted to talk to him about something, so screw that I keep thinking. I am not going to waste my time and money on him in therapy, but instead want the tools to be a better person and not get into bad relationships. So I talk very little about my bf in the sessions and when we do I clench my fist and say how angry he's made me and how selfish and arrogant he is. Then the therapist tells me I have to forgive him and I think is this man crazy or does he know what he's talking about.

 

 

Did you ask your friends for support during and after the break-up, did you talk about it to them, write about your feelings in a journal? Maybe you still need to go through those steps before you can put it all away and forgive.

No, I only talked or wrote about it here. My friends think I'm a very strong person so I can't let them know how much he got to me. They were so relieved we split that they can't relate to how angry I'd get over it. But lately I've been thiking it through again and again to experience the anger to the point I feel less anger.

[Fun2BMe]

I don't think you can forgive until you've gone through the phases of not caring, then letting go. In essence, you aren't so much forgiving a situation that isn't acceptable to you but not allowing it to bother you.

This is what I'm now learning from the posts. I never would've figured it that way, that after not caring you forgive to let go. But if I reached the phase where I don't care anymore, then I wouldn't care about forgiving either or at least it wouldn't have any meaning or significance to me so now I"m not so sure if you're right about for waiting of not caring anymore. But I like that it will allow it not to bother me any more. So I think it has to still be bothering me to do it so that afterwards it won't be any more.

 

 

One thing I think therapists need to differentiate, is that to fully forgive someone, you would be willing to take them back, as in LadyJane's situation. This isn't something that I'm prepared to do.

I don't understand what you mean by this. I would not want to take him back, ever. So now you're saying the therapist is creating a situation where I'd want to be with him again emotionally?

 

Now, back to the forgiving of the individual from another perspective.

 

First you have to accept the person for who they are (you don't need to like, love or even respect them), shrug your shoulders and realize you have no control over them or the situation and honestly don't care to have any. You also have to accept and forgive that you played a role in creating the situation, whether it was active or passive-aggressive participation.

I might disagree with you here. I don't like to think that I have no control, that would drive me nuts. I'd rather think I have the option to walk away and that in itself makes me feel like in control, directly or indirectly. I think people lose their marbles when they feel that they can't control a situation. And I don't think forgiving means I have to accept responsibility for anything. I wasn't contributing to his behavior in any way. In fact, if I was I think it would be a lot easier for me to forgive since I would be able to say 'well, that was my fault after all.' But none of it was my fault. Maybe that's why I'm having such a hard time with it.

[Trialbyfire]

I don't understand what you mean by this. I would not want to take him back, ever. So now you're saying the therapist is creating a situation where I'd want to be with him again emotionally?

No, not really. I just believe that a therapist should help guide you towards the type of forgiveness that suits you, as a person, and the situation at hand. There are many forms and levels of forgiveness, although some may disagree with me on this.

 

I might disagree with you here. I don't like to think that I have no control, that would drive me nuts. I'd rather think I have the option to walk away and that in itself makes me feel like in control, directly or indirectly. I think people lose their marbles when they feel that they can't control a situation. And I don't think forgiving means I have to accept responsibility for anything. I wasn't contributing to his behavior in any way. In fact, if I was I think it would be a lot easier for me to forgive since I would be able to say 'well, that was my fault after all.' But none of it was my fault. Maybe that's why I'm having such a hard time with it.

To expand on what I mentioned, in knowing you have no control or interest over the situation, it is as it stands, you are effectively letting it and him go. If you still have control over the situation, do you not feel that you are responsible for it's continued impact on you?

 

Each person deals with issues in different ways which works for them.

[norajane]

Yes, that seems to be true. As another month has passed I feel more detached and less angry although not 100% anger free. I think at this point I am closer to forgiving, but the word makes me think that to forgive is to say it's ok you treated me like cr** and I'll still talk to you or see you.

 

Oh, no - forgiving doesn't mean saying it's ok that you treated me like crap. And it certainly doesn't mean I'll still talk to you or see you.

 

I agree with Trialbyfire - there are different forms of forgiveness. I look at forgiveness as letting go of the anger and pain inside me - that does not mean what the person did was ok, nor does it mean I have any desire to ever see them again. Forgiveness can be a move toward indifference - which is much better for me. It means I've moved beyond the hurt and he is no longer significant.

[Fun2BMe]

I agree with Trialbyfire - there are different forms of forgiveness. I look at forgiveness as letting go of the anger and pain inside me - that does not mean what the person did was ok, nor does it mean I have any desire to ever see them again. Forgiveness can be a move toward indifference - which is much better for me. It means I've moved beyond the hurt and he is no longer significant.

 

Ok, now I can understand what my therapist has been trying to tell me. He says even if I feel one way inside, that I can show something else but I keep telling him that seems like being inauthentic or lying. But I think he wants me to act indifferent and show my ex I am over him, I didn't know why he wanted me to do this, but I think if I act a certain way, it might make me feel it for real. And I think he really is eager for my ex to see how strong I've become since getting therapy and for him to see how over him I am.

 

I am supposed to see him this coming Thursday. I was going to flake but maybe I'll have fun with it and pull it off for real this time and see how it makes me feel instead of trying to convince my therapist that he really doesn't understand and he's wrong. Maybe I was just not understanding.

[nittygritty]

Forgiving someone is a personal decision and completely optional.

 

There is a really good article about it called "Must you forgive?" on Psychologytoday.com:

 

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-19990701-000029.html

 

 

I think that you should trust your own feelings on whether or not your ready or even want to forgive.

 

Sometimes it is a matter of self protection when someone has hurt you to make the decision not to forgive and deciding not to forgive can also be a way to take back your personal power and get closure.

 

I don't think your therapist should be pushing you to forgive.

 

Take Care

[norajane]

Ok, now I can understand what my therapist has been trying to tell me. He says even if I feel one way inside, that I can show something else but I keep telling him that seems like being inauthentic or lying. But I think he wants me to act indifferent and show my ex I am over him, I didn't know why he wanted me to do this, but I think if I act a certain way, it might make me feel it for real. And I think he really is eager for my ex to see how strong I've become since getting therapy and for him to see how over him I am.

 

I am supposed to see him this coming Thursday. I was going to flake but maybe I'll have fun with it and pull it off for real this time and see how it makes me feel instead of trying to convince my therapist that he really doesn't understand and he's wrong. Maybe I was just not understanding.

 

No, no, it's not about faking it and pretending it and pulling something off!

 

It's truly getting to the point where you feel indifferent.

 

I think your therapist wants you to go to these events where your ex might be because you're continuing to allow your ex to hurt you by controlling your actions even now. If you would go to these events in the normal course of your life, avoiding them just because he might be there is you allowing him to control your actions even though you aren't together.

[LakesideDream]

Forgive my ex? The same heartless c**t that walked out, without notice, after hiding her long term affair throughout a 25 year marriage? Forgive a woman who lied a thousand times. A woman who I chose to believe as I couldn't imagine the depth of her betrayal? Forgive a woman I don't live with, a woman who I have no interaction whatever? A woman who turned my "golden years" into "golden tears"? Poppycock!

 

I hope my first sight in hell is her spread on a flaming rack being sodomized by Satan himself.

 

---(that may be a little strong, but you get the idea)---

[Ladyjane14]

There are many forms and levels of forgiveness, although some may disagree with me on this.

 

I wouldn't. I wholeheartedly agree that forgiveness can have MANY meanings. A religious person, for example, would see the transgressor as a 'Child of God', beloved by God, sins and all. And who are we to disagree with Him? Although, even people of no spiritual beliefs whatsoever can still embrace forgiveness, if on no other terms than on the basis of simple human compassion.

 

 

Forgiveness doesn't have to mean that we accept a toxic person back into our lives.... particularly not when we have a pretty good indication that they'll continue to be toxic. It can be as simple as just wishing them well on their journey, hoping that they'll find a better way to live their life.

 

In the case of reconciled relationships though, I think forgiveness does need to be inclusive of acceptance. For example, if you take back a wayward spouse, it's not right to withhold that. But otherwise... Forgiveness is for YOU. It allows you to bolster up your self-esteem because you know you've been a bigger person than maybe you thought you could be.

 

It unburdens you from the transgressor's emotional controls.

 

And it's a simple thing to do. You just do it. The only trick is in maintaining it.

But if you make a habit of reminding yourself daily that you've made a choice to forgive, that becomes easy enough too. It's a point of honor to do what you've said you would. Integrity is just the honor we do unto ourselves... but it's a vital part of self-esteem. So you begin to see how forgiveness benefits YOU in more ways than it does the Ex.

[Trialbyfire]

In essence then, Ladyjane, you and I agree. You have to find what works for you and let go.

[Ladyjane14]

In essence then, Ladyjane, you and I agree. You have to find what works for you and let go.

 

Yup. ... particularly on the "letting go". Resentment, hate, bitterness... they're all poison.

 

Better to wave bye-bye, wish him bon voyage, pick yourself up, dust yourself off... and then get back to noticing the JOY in life.

[Trialbyfire]

Yup. ... particularly on the "letting go". Resentment, hate, bitterness... they're all poison.

 

Better to wave bye-bye, wish him bon voyage, pick yourself up, dust yourself off... and then get back to noticing the JOY in life.

Which is exactly what I'm doing.

[Fun2BMe]

Forgiving someone is a personal decision and completely optional.

 

There is a really good article about it called "Must you forgive?" on Psychologytoday.com:

 

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-19990701-000029.html

 

 

I think that you should trust your own feelings on whether or not your ready or even want to forgive.

 

Sometimes it is a matter of self protection when someone has hurt you to make the decision not to forgive and deciding not to forgive can also be a way to take back your personal power and get closure.

 

I don't think your therapist should be pushing you to forgive.

 

Take Care

 

That's an interesting article. I like the part it says: "The capacity to forgive is an essential part of an examined life" and "Failure to forgive, therapists caution, is to "doom yourself to be a victim for the rest of your life," while clergy warn that it inexorably leads to a "recycling of evil."

 

I am beginning to find it to be more and more of a healthy thing, for ME. I like how everyone's saying that it is something that is for me and not for him, whereas before I thought to forgive was to make him feel ok about how he treated me, as if I was saying I now accept it and still like him.

 

An example the article gives of it being ok not to forgive is when for the parents of their son who put a screwdriver in his sister's rectum then burned her. I am not an extreme person and understand that there are circumstances when forgiving might be harmful. In my case, I am coming to believe that the other advice applies to me, that it will make me feel stronger and bring closure by showing him (and myself) that I am over him and can function even if he is around, that he no longer has control over my feelings in any way. I think I really need that.

[Fun2BMe]

Forgive my ex? The same heartless c**t that walked out, without notice, after hiding her long term affair throughout a 25 year marriage? Forgive a woman who lied a thousand times. A woman who I chose to believe as I couldn't imagine the depth of her betrayal? Forgive a woman I don't live with, a woman who I have no interaction whatever? A woman who turned my "golden years" into "golden tears"? Poppycock!

 

I hope my first sight in hell is her spread on a flaming rack being sodomized by Satan himself.

 

---(that may be a little strong, but you get the idea)---

 

That's really awful what your ex did to you. I think in your case, you would have to weight whether or not your ex apologized to you. Did she ever feel bad about how you felt? I think if she left you after 25 years, it means that you two were not truly soulmates and she may have found her soulmate later in life. That should give you hope that yours is still out there too.

 

If she feels bad and has feelings about what she did, then I think it will be very beneficial for YOU to forgive her. I think like me, it will help you to put a closure to the story and let go of the anger and move on instead of waiting for time to do those things, which could take years if you don't proatively help it along.

[Fun2BMe]

Forgiveness doesn't have to mean that we accept a toxic person back into our lives.... particularly not when we have a pretty good indication that they'll continue to be toxic. It can be as simple as just wishing them well on their journey, hoping that they'll find a better way to live their life.

 

That's very helpful. I was connecting forgiveness with having them back in my life even if for 'just friends' which I don't want. I think I have to do a lot of meditation, be mature about it and get the courage to face him without punching him in the face and acting like he doesn't mean any more to me than an ant I don't notice crawling on the ground.

 

I'll be polite but not nice and show no anger or resentment and show him he has no effect on me, positive or negative. I think that'll bring a final closure which I thought happened the moment it was told we'd no longer be together.

[Salicious Crumb]

My therapist is forcing me to forgive my ex bf so I can have closure.

 

Well there is a crock of shi!t if I ever heard one.

[LakesideDream]

That's really awful what your ex did to you. I think in your case, you would have to weight whether or not your ex apologized to you. Did she ever feel bad about how you felt? I think if she left you after 25 years, it means that you two were not truly soulmates and she may have found her soulmate later in life. That should give you hope that yours is still out there too.

 

If she feels bad and has feelings about what she did, then I think it will be very beneficial for YOU to forgive her. I think like me, it will help you to put a closure to the story and let go of the anger and move on instead of waiting for time to do those things, which could take years if you don't proatively help it along.

 

 

Fun2, Apologise? Hell, she didn't admit it until caught in the act.. never admitted any involvement before the last year, she didn't want out adult daughter to find out (son knew, caught her, didn't tell me... how does a 12 year old at the time live with that?). I wouldn't have been sure.. except she left two boxes behind in the attic when she left (afraid of mice), one of financial / credit records for 20 years, the other contained "private" pictures and three journals spanning 20+ years of on and off infidelity. Fun reading.

 

The first two years after the 72 hour no fault divorce she attempted to swindle money out of me after I took on the responsibility of an addicted adult child (son), succeeded once, failed three times. Money was VERY tight those first couple of years.

 

Oh.. and I'm sure she rekindled with her high school soulmate.. they are now happily married I hear (from kids).

 

Forgive? Would you?

[Fun2BMe]

Fun2, Apologise? Hell, she didn't admit it until caught in the act.. never admitted any involvement before the last year, she didn't want out adult daughter to find out (son knew, caught her, didn't tell me... how does a 12 year old at the time live with that?). I wouldn't have been sure.. except she left two boxes behind in the attic when she left (afraid of mice), one of financial / credit records for 20 years, the other contained "private" pictures and three journals spanning 20+ years of on and off infidelity. Fun reading.

 

The first two years after the 72 hour no fault divorce she attempted to swindle money out of me after I took on the responsibility of an addicted adult child (son), succeeded once, failed three times. Money was VERY tight those first couple of years.

 

Oh.. and I'm sure she rekindled with her high school soulmate.. they are now happily married I hear (from kids).

 

Forgive? Would you?

 

That sounds like a nightmare. I wish she would've told you and apologized. I still don't know if she apologized to you but the fact that she tried to take money from you after all she did to ruin everything, I think that is the fractor that would lead me to rule against forgiving her.

 

If she reconnected with her high school sweetheart who it sounds like is her soulmate, she should've told you and ended the marriage on preferably good terms. Instead she lied and cheated behind your back and then tried to take your money. I wouldn't forgive her either.

 

In my case the ex feels bad for what he did. He has always been kind to me and so as much as I never want to be with him again and feel terribly hurt, I could still find the strength to forgive him after reading the replies here as to how it would benefit me to get closure. I do feel very bad for you and hope you that you have been able to move on and find someone else. I feel bad for how she traumatized your son too. What a selfish witch.