Cliche Posted April 15, 2007 Posted April 15, 2007 Kymberann on the other thread made me decide to post something I've been struggling with. She said if I did call exMM, he'd just say I was the crazy one anyway. Well, here's the thing, he has called me emotionally unstable many times. But, of course, they were after I found out he was living with the wife he was supposed to be separated from. I don't think I was needy, clingy, distrustful, etc. until I started feeling that something wasn't right. When I found out it wasn't right, yeah, I guess maybe I got really sensitive and really emotional (especially considering his lies didn't stop even after I caught him in them over and over and over again). So I'd ask him all the time about where he was, pushed him to introduce me to some family members, got angry when he didn't keep his promises, asked him a million questions about what he was doing when his phone was off during times I thought they'd be home together, looked through some of his personal cards in his office...frankly a lot of behavior I'm not proud of and can't say I've ever done before (but I haven't really had any relationships since my marriage...just dating). He told me this was because I was untrusting, insecure, damaged from my marriage. I bought that for awhile, but now I don't think so. Is this sort of behavior "normal" considering the circumstances? Is this because I'm damaged or because the relationship was so dysfunctional and based on lies? Anyone else act like this?
Island Girl Posted April 15, 2007 Posted April 15, 2007 It is: because the relationship was so dysfunctional and based on lies Why would you listen to a liar and a cheater telling you what your problems are?
norajane Posted April 15, 2007 Posted April 15, 2007 He told me this was because I was untrusting, insecure, damaged from my marriage. I bought that for awhile, but now I don't think so. Is this sort of behavior "normal" considering the circumstances? Is this because I'm damaged or because the relationship was so dysfunctional and based on lies? Anyone else act like this? Since he told you so many lies, why on earth would you believe him when he say you are untrusting, insecure, damaged? That's called gaslighting - him trying to make you believe you are crazy when he is the one doing things to make you crazy. There is something within us that requires us to dig out the truth, the whole truth, and all the lies surrounding the truth when we find out we've been lied to, deceived, and lied to some more. It's because we can't trust what we're being told, because we know we've been told lies, deliberately and repeatedly and willfully. There's nothing wrong with you. HE is the damaged one.
Guest Posted April 15, 2007 Posted April 15, 2007 I think I am going through the same thing, His words are not matching his actions, makes me not trust him anymore, I ask many questions everyday, He gets mad, cause its the same questions daily. I know what my intuition tells me, I know what my head tells me, I see right through what he says, but my heart does nor want to believe my head. Feel like someday I am slowly going crazy. After 2 years, I say he made me crazy. Starting therapy to get myself straight again. Advise you to do the same, Good Luck! Yes, acting needy, insecure, Not trusting, Dont even reconigize myself at this point, all the side effects of a R that is manupulated by him, Hopefully I can be strong enough to walk away soon
pureinheart Posted April 15, 2007 Posted April 15, 2007 Kymberann on the other thread made me decide to post something I've been struggling with. She said if I did call exMM, he'd just say I was the crazy one anyway. Well, here's the thing, he has called me emotionally unstable many times. But, of course, they were after I found out he was living with the wife he was supposed to be separated from. I don't think I was needy, clingy, distrustful, etc. until I started feeling that something wasn't right. When I found out it wasn't right, yeah, I guess maybe I got really sensitive and really emotional (especially considering his lies didn't stop even after I caught him in them over and over and over again). So I'd ask him all the time about where he was, pushed him to introduce me to some family members, got angry when he didn't keep his promises, asked him a million questions about what he was doing when his phone was off during times I thought they'd be home together, looked through some of his personal cards in his office...frankly a lot of behavior I'm not proud of and can't say I've ever done before (but I haven't really had any relationships since my marriage...just dating). He told me this was because I was untrusting, insecure, damaged from my marriage. I bought that for awhile, but now I don't think so. Is this sort of behavior "normal" considering the circumstances? Is this because I'm damaged or because the relationship was so dysfunctional and based on lies? Anyone else act like this? Hey Cliche...I hope you don't take anything I have to say wrong....was with a man similar to this one when I was younger. He is verbally abusive to cover his own tracks, I hope he was not physically abusive to you also. He is a major game player and is quite damaged mentally. His behavior is quite normal for him, but he is way out of wack. I would explore your own issues though as to why you allowed this sort of personality in your life. I allowed a series of abusive people in my life, and finally had to come out of the denial....to search my own issues as to why I attracted this sort of person, and more importantly why I was attracted to them. Please, take my advice and take a break from relationships until this type of person is no longer in your range of vision.....GBU and good luck!
Touche Posted April 15, 2007 Posted April 15, 2007 No offense but he's right to call you "emotionally unstable." You're emotionally unstable enough to stay with a lying, deceitful boy like this. And you are emotionally unstable enough to care what he thinks of you. When you expect more...when you expect to be with a MAN, then I will consider you emotionally stable...but not until then.
whichwayisup Posted April 15, 2007 Posted April 15, 2007 I think your situation brings out the worst in people. You may do or say things that you normally wouldn't do. It is an unhealthy and dishonest relationship you have with your MM. He is a liar and you know this. You really don't trust him 100%, how could you? If you want those bad feelings to go away, cut him out of your life...If you don't, you may end up doing something stupid and let your emotions rule you, instead of thinking with your head and realizing he is wrong for you.
Author Cliche Posted April 15, 2007 Author Posted April 15, 2007 No offense but he's right to call you "emotionally unstable." You're emotionally unstable enough to stay with a lying, deceitful boy like this. And you are emotionally unstable enough to care what he thinks of you. When you expect more...when you expect to be with a MAN, then I will consider you emotionally stable...but not until then. Thanks, Touche. I think I'm emotionally stable enough to know that it is bad character to kick someone when they're down, but whatever. All, thanks. I just need to hear sometimes that I did the right things. Breakups are hard. Breakups when you honestly felt you found your soulmate are harder. And yeah, I did recognize, even when he was doing it, that it was manipulative. But I can be emotional. So I took it. And he only pulled this stuff when I started talking about his wife and when he was leaving and how much it hurt me, so I guess I should have seen that flashing neon sign miles away....well, maybe I did. Maybe that's why I only wasted months with him instead of years. Again, I thank you all for your support. This is raw. I hurt a little. I thank you all for letting me vent. Good news is, I realized that even though I hurt and I'm angry, I haven't wanted him back....not once. Brownie point for that.
whichwayisup Posted April 15, 2007 Posted April 15, 2007 Breakups when you honestly felt you found your soulmate are harder. Think of it like this, he may have been your soulmate, but were you his? If you were his, he wouldn't be lying to you or manipulating you. Soulmates don't make eachother cry, let alone lie and be selfish. Stay strong and focus on your kids, keep busy.
Kenzo Posted April 15, 2007 Posted April 15, 2007 So I'd ask him all the time about where he was, pushed him to introduce me to some family members, got angry when he didn't keep his promises, asked him a million questions about what he was doing when his phone was off during times I thought they'd be home together, looked through some of his personal cards in his office...frankly a lot of behavior I'm not proud of and can't say I've ever done before (but I haven't really had any relationships since my marriage...just dating). Ya know, we push and we push and try so hard to get out of the limbo that we live in with these MM, it's so hard to not know what the next day or week will bring. Rearranging our schedules and lives in order to fit them in on a moments notice, because the not knowing when the next time we'll see them will be sucks, hurts, and it is so confusing. For me we have a sort of schedule set up and when that schedule is broken...which is a lot, due to work and family (on his part) as I have never cancelled or rearranged plans with him, I go nuts! Here I am clinging to the few hours we have together like a life preserver...and I'm being told I have to be more understanding!!! I think a lot of times we do look like lunatics because the feelings overwhelm us and honestly very few us us have other outlets and we are so consumed by the thoughts of what he is doing, while the MM is involved in whatever it is that's keeping him "away" from us...this all sounds so insane, what ever possess an otherwise rational woman to act like this!!! I think what you feel and what your going through is completely normal, in the most abnormal of relationship types.
Touche Posted April 15, 2007 Posted April 15, 2007 Thanks, Touche. I think I'm emotionally stable enough to know that it is bad character to kick someone when they're down, but whatever. All, thanks. I just need to hear sometimes that I did the right things. Breakups are hard. Breakups when you honestly felt you found your soulmate are harder. And yeah, I did recognize, even when he was doing it, that it was manipulative. But I can be emotional. So I took it. And he only pulled this stuff when I started talking about his wife and when he was leaving and how much it hurt me, so I guess I should have seen that flashing neon sign miles away....well, maybe I did. Maybe that's why I only wasted months with him instead of years. Again, I thank you all for your support. This is raw. I hurt a little. I thank you all for letting me vent. Good news is, I realized that even though I hurt and I'm angry, I haven't wanted him back....not once. Brownie point for that. You're smart. And I'm sorry if I hurt you. I wasn't trying to be mean. That's just my style. Stay strong and keep coming here for support when you need it.
Trialbyfire Posted April 15, 2007 Posted April 15, 2007 While I'm not an OW, I can relate. The best defense is offense, which is what liars and cheaters do. They lose the ability to differentiate between reality and their own make-believe impression of themselves. Imagine them admitting to themselves, the type of person they really have become. The trauma...poor baby...
frannie Posted April 21, 2007 Posted April 21, 2007 Hm... well when someone starts calling you 'emotionally unstable' while they're lying to you and messing you around, then I'd just look at them. Look up some things about abuse, verbal abuse, and go on from there. I don't care whether he was married, or what he was, or what that makes you (or him., or anyone)... just make sure you learn the signs in you and in others that do lead to abuse
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