Island Girl Posted April 15, 2007 Posted April 15, 2007 Island Girl: I understand that you were directing what you wrote to smile95, but your post really motivated me. Everything that you said to her pertains to my situation as well. This person emotionally abused me and lied to me. I do not understand why I act as if he deserves to be a part of my life, because he doesn't. How do you block someone's e-mail address? Is there a way to delete your own e-mail address? I don't know. I'm not a "techie" at all. But in your e-mail you should be able to go to your address book and figure out how to block them from sending you anything. If a person is emotionally abusive -- basically toxic -- than NO they do not deserve to be in contact with you for anything. If they can't care then they do not get to be cared about in any way shape or form. I'm glad you have been inspired. Just keep it going. Tell yourself over and over again why you deserve more and demand that from anyone you ever have a relationship with. It is one thing to make a mistake and make reparations. It is quite another to systematically destroy another person and attempt to keep them in a floundering state of trauma. That is when you say "HOW DARE YOU!" and snip snip snip cut them out of your life.
EmotionalBlackMail Posted April 15, 2007 Posted April 15, 2007 The thing is, the person I am speaking of made a huge mistake and did so in a way that spread it out over a period of time, then apologized, and then continued doing the same **** to me. I am so done.
Author smile95 Posted April 15, 2007 Author Posted April 15, 2007 I suppose part of my issue is that I have dated about 3-4 guyes since we split offically, and no one can I find that I hit it off so well with. The connection. The chemistry is just not there? Are you sure I will find that again?
Island Girl Posted April 15, 2007 Posted April 15, 2007 I suppose part of my issue is that I have dated about 3-4 guyes since we split offically, and no one can I find that I hit it off so well with. The connection. The chemistry is just not there? Are you sure I will find that again? Absolutely. But you won't until you let go of the loser. Okay you may have "chemistry" but you are also treated as chattel. Letting him go and WORKING ON YOUR SELF ESTEEM will bring more possibilities for the chemistry connection as well as wonderful treatment = happiness.
Island Girl Posted April 15, 2007 Posted April 15, 2007 The thing is, the person I am speaking of made a huge mistake and did so in a way that spread it out over a period of time, then apologized, and then continued doing the same **** to me. I am so done. Good that you are "done". Now take the lesson away that there are certain things that are irreparable. That you have boundaries that are tangible - they can't be crossed and go back to how it was before. You are better than that. A person in a relationship with you needs to value you and hold the relationship as something dear to them. If you meet a person that seems not to truly appreciate you - be done and move on quickly. There are SO many others out there. Find the one that treats you as you want to be treated - as you would treat them.
Author smile95 Posted April 16, 2007 Author Posted April 16, 2007 just wanted to say thanks for everyones help on this. I have done a lot of thinking and it really is up to me now. We are both in this pattern that will go on forever if I let it. As much as I love the memories made with him, I have to wake up and see I am living in the past. I have low self esteem and today I had a thought. kind of a sick thought, but I am being honest.... I always was scared I was not pretty enough or attractive enough to him and that is why we are not together. The fact that he still makes references to sex with me tells me at least I did not repulse him? So that makes me feel better...yes, I know that is twisted, but it helps me see the reality and that is he is selfish and we are not together bcz of him and not bcz of something I did or did or didn't look like. I know you all prob think I am nuts, and so do i! I have to take it one step at a time and right now, I have to accept that it is over and it was not due to me or something I did.
Art_Critic Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 I always was scared I was not pretty enough or attractive enough to him and that is why we are not together. What he thinks doesn't matter anymore.. I remember seeing a pic of you a long time ago.. You're a Hottie.. at least a 9 or 9.5... I remember what you look like a couple of years later after I saw a pci a few times.. What does that tell you ? You make a big impression B.. Keep going out with guys and try no to compare them to the Ex.. The Ex and the connection must've not really been all that as he treated you like crap and you guys are not together.. Create new connections with new guys thru different eyes and you will move on.
panzer6 Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 Hey Smile, I know exactly what you are going through. My ex dumped me last year and she still contacts me every 3 months or so. It usually goes like this: 3 or 4 months go by and all of a sudden she starts texting me and calling me and acting like nothing bad happened between us. She usually calls because something bad happened to her and she needs a lift or an ego boost of some sort. We usually end up seeing each other for lunch or at some event and then just as suddenly as she appears she disappears ! I don't know why she does this. She says I am a terrible person and she doesn't want to see me anymore but she always seems to come back. I guess maybe she still has some feelings for me and when she is depressed she starts to think about me and starts to miss me. She told me that she misses me and she still has feelings for me. I don't know what that really means, all I know is that she seems very confused. She is going through some bad stuff at work and she may lose her job and she has been contacting me again. I saw her last Monday night and everything was fine between us. Then on Tuesday night she messaged me 1 word. It was ****er, I still don't know why she did that. I haven't heard a peep out of her since and I haven't tried to contact her at all. I am literally emotionally exhausted. I just don't have the strength to fight anymore. I still care about her very much and I want things to be better for her but I'm afraid I just don't understand her anymore. When I saw her on Monday night she was only a foot away from me but it felt like she was a million miles away. It was a very strange feeling and it left me feeling very sad. You must cut this person out of your life once and for all. They will continue to suck the life out of you until there is nothing left. I know it's hard, believe me I know!!! You have to think about yourself and your own sanity. You will have to endure the un-endurable but in the end you will thank yourself that you did it. I have to do the same. This whole thing is making me go gray and I can't sleep worth a damn. Not a good way to live your life. I hope you have the strength to get through this. Remember, you are not alone in this. Be strong!!!
lonelybird Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 just wanted to say thanks for everyones help on this. I have done a lot of thinking and it really is up to me now. We are both in this pattern that will go on forever if I let it. As much as I love the memories made with him, I have to wake up and see I am living in the past. I have low self esteem and today I had a thought. kind of a sick thought, but I am being honest.... I always was scared I was not pretty enough or attractive enough to him and that is why we are not together. The fact that he still makes references to sex with me tells me at least I did not repulse him? So that makes me feel better...yes, I know that is twisted, but it helps me see the reality and that is he is selfish and we are not together bcz of him and not bcz of something I did or did or didn't look like. I know you all prob think I am nuts, and so do i! I have to take it one step at a time and right now, I have to accept that it is over and it was not due to me or something I did. smile95 I am glad you think it is over. You deserve much more. He is not good enough for you, or at least he is not mature. and you cannot define yourself by him. only God can define you:) I've been your situation before, same situation. It was hard. and seemed like my self-esteem boost up when his email came, and hit ground when his email didn't come. His email was a string, and I was a puppy. The moment I decided I had enough, and ignore his email for a while, my self-esteem went higher, I had more self-control. His charm completely gone!! don't know why. maybe we are chasing the perfect image we made up? If he want you to be his friend, NO sex talking; if he want you to be his friend, his contact serve his selfish need or care about you as a friend?? is it all about him or he trully care about you? He ignore you seems emotional abuse to me. I think that if you ignore his 3-month email for several times, you can break the circle. If he want you, he has to be more care about you. I think he cannot grow up at one night, so probably cut all contact with him is good. It was GOOD for me at that situation. Life without him is much prettier!
Icantletgo Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 I completely know what you are going through. You can look at my old posts Ex of 3 years (cheated on me for the last 6 months) is having problems with his new girl. He calls me and we hang out all the time. I'm an idiot for always wanting to see him and wanting to talk to him. But I love him still. I love him like nothing bad ever happened to us. It KILLS ME. when i am with him or when I talk to him on the phone i act like I am strong, I feel like I am strong enough to move on. But the truth is: when I am home alone, or when i know he is with her, or when he gets a myspace friend request from a girl i dont know, or when he doesn't call or text me back quick enough or doesn't call me at all that day: i seriously, die inside. DIE inside. You still love and care for him..but he could give a sh*t about you. The truth is that he knows how YOU feel so he uses it to his advantage when he can. Cause when the next thing comes along, the last thing on his mind will be YOUR feelings. I hope you have more strength than me to move on.
Author smile95 Posted April 17, 2007 Author Posted April 17, 2007 Something odd is going on....I was happy as could be today! It seems these little contacts from him get easier and easier to get by. IT took a week, but usually, it is a month or two! I am not sure what it means, but I am just going with it. It is a sunny and warm day and I caught myself singing in my car???? I think I am going to be ok. As long as I know deep down it is over and accept it, the next contact from him should be easier. I have to learn to stop reacting on emotions and think logically. Sure, I still love him and would love for him to change, but he is not. I have to see that now. thanks everyone! ART-how in the world do you recall what I look like! I am impressed! You must have a good memory! That was at least a yr ago!
Author smile95 Posted April 17, 2007 Author Posted April 17, 2007 lonleybird-when you finally decided to ignore him, how in the world did you do that? Did he pour on the charm? It is very out of character for me to ignore, but I will. I just hope that he does not continue to try and contact me other ways. He knows just what to say. We are both addicted to this pattern.
Author smile95 Posted April 17, 2007 Author Posted April 17, 2007 thanks to everyone else who replied too. It sux that we all have to go thru this, but it helps to know i am not alone and people DO survive!
NorCalDave Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 I know how you all feel, it's going on with me, every day, in my head, and I hate it but I am addicted to her and the scraps of attention she gives me. I have not been able to fall out of love with her since I met her 3 years ago, and I don't seem to have the strength to not take her calls anymore. She's broken my heart over and over because of her inability to commit, her insecurities with the age gap, and her constant contact with her ex. All these red flags that I ignore, and I seem to just be an ego boost for her now. I know she loves me deep down, and she probably has no idea the effect she has on me. She probably has no idea the pain and longing I have for her when she goes a week straight without calling. She always seems to call after a week or so, but when we do see each other it's just a flirty friendship and I can't keep going on like that, acting like that's enough, because it's not. All I know is the second she tells me she's dating someone else, adios. Until then I guess I am simply an ego boost under the guise of friendship. I almost wish she'd never talk to me again, that would make it easier to move on. But she doesn't seem to want to let me go. Good luck everyone who's going thru the same mess. It isn't fun. You're truly not alone though!! P.S. I think all of us who are going through this will get through it in our own time, when we are ready to either let go, or if the person comes back. Something will give, it can't go on like this forever.
Author smile95 Posted April 18, 2007 Author Posted April 18, 2007 It is really easy to ignore red flags and focus on the good. Force your self to look at the bad. For me, if he did come back, I am not sure I would even want him? As weird as that sounds??? I just feel like for me now, it is about rejection and I want to win. I do not want to be with him and be miserable. There are other ways to feel like i have "won" w/out gettting him back. Ijust have to discover them!
NorCalDave Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 It is really easy to ignore red flags and focus on the good. Force your self to look at the bad. For me, if he did come back, I am not sure I would even want him? As weird as that sounds??? I just feel like for me now, it is about rejection and I want to win. I do not want to be with him and be miserable. There are other ways to feel like i have "won" w/out gettting him back. Ijust have to discover them! I feel the same way. If she did come back, I would have to be super cautious and suspicious that her insecurities would come up again. But now, it's like the challenge of getting someone back who thinks they can either find better, or they think I can find better. She actually has told me, "You can do better. You should date a younger girl." I don't think she thinks she's worthy of being with me. She doesn't feel young enough, beautiful enough, or healthy enough. Such a shame because I see through all her imperfections. I love her imperfections.
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