shakespearesgal Posted April 14, 2007 Posted April 14, 2007 I started dating my ex in Dec. 2005. We were together for three months when we had a huge fight, and after avoiding me for three days, he broke it off with me, civilly. I gave him his space for two weeks (I know, not much :-) )or so but then talked to him and said we should get to know each other better to see if we can go it again. Even I wasn't sure I wanted to be with him at that point. Well, we did, and slowly but surely we got closer again. That talk was in April 2006, and I would say we got officially together again in August, after a talk about relationships where he recognized that we were in a relationship anyway. If it walks like a duck, right? :-) So we dated for months, and then in January, we got into an argument because he said, "I want to have kids in ten years." I, as a 30 yr. old woman, said that if he was going to make those determinations so early in the relationship that he needed to let me know so that I can decide if I want to stick around. But he ended up saying that he was joking, and then we decided that we would continue in the relationship since neither one of us had a timeline for marriage or kids anyway. That night, I told him I loved him. He asked me to repeat it three times, in a sweet way, so I assumed he took it well, and although he didn't say it back, he would always tell me that he had trouble saying those three words, but that his actions should speak louder than his words. So ... I was fairly confident he loved me in his own way, and maybe that was naive, but whatever ... anyway ... Three weeks later, he gives me a key to his house and says to me, "You know what a huge step this is for me, but I think you deserve it. You are an incredible woman, and you are the best woman I have ever been with. You let me be and make me happy." These are words he would frequently tell me, by the way. And since that day in January that I muttered those three words, we had been happier, and he was more open and loving. He even said, "I want to be a father," and although I took it as a joke, he never said he was joking at the moment. Why would he bring something up as a joke that was a sore spot and that caused an ugly discussion in the past? Fast forward ... At the middle of March, he and I had an argument. I got upset because he had made travel plans, which I knew about, but they were coming up in a week, and he hadn't even told me they were coming up. It got ugly, and he said I needed to calm down, and he basically cold shouldered me for two days. I admit I fueled it a little by not letting him stay completely in his cave. The fight was on Monday; he goes to dinner with a divorced friend on Tuesday (and I am not saying there is a connection); and on Wednesday, he tells me to go over to his house and breaks up with me. He said this was going nowhere anyway and why do I want to be with a guy like him anyway, and he doesn't want to hurt me anymore, and it's the best thing for both of us, and it was inevitable because if it wasn't this fight it was going to be another one, and all those other cliches. I tried to reason with him for a minute, but I rapdily realized he had shut down and was not going to talk, so I walked out. I didn't cry, yell, plead, anything. The next day when I went to drop off his laptop and key (he wasn't home), I left him a letter explaining my feelings. It wasn't angry or needy or weepy. I stayed confident, but I wasn't mean or aggressive. It is now three weeks after our break-up. I ACCIDENTALLY (swear on my dog) sent him an IM, to which he responded "yes?" and I said, "Sorry, I didn't mean to do that." He said, "Ok, no problem." The other day, I caved (since I had accidentally broken the ice anyway) and sent him an email saying that there were things left unsaid and that I would like to meet with him when he's ready, whenever that is, and that the meeting is not about questioning or confronting him. No response. I guess I am confused. I am already detaching myself and telling myself it's over and vowed not to make contact, but I can't lie and say I wouldn't take him back, at least right now. What do you make of his actions? He asks a mutual friend about me, and he even told one of them, "If it wasn't for my 'thing', I would've married her." He's also been saying that he's an emotional mess these days. Again, I have started the process of moving on, but can you give me some feedback as to what happened and what is likely to happen?
Poboy Posted April 14, 2007 Posted April 14, 2007 well you like him and want to be with him... you say you have started to move on but your sending email to him is not moving on. if you really want to move on , no contact fully is the way to go. If it wasn't for my 'thing', I would've married her." --- whats the thing ? looks like you two dont undertsand each other and break up easily after arguments just like that which is a big problem and i think he is just frustrated about the whole thing... both of you are moving in different directions. all i can say is if there is any hope to this , you got to talk to him and settle everything out if he wants to ... all the baggage you and him have and understand and adjust to each other... people have fights in their relationship which is normal, whats not normal is breaking up after one regularly... working on things is whats important in your relationship. firstly , get your mind straight as to the him & relationship and hopefully he will realise too along the line and work on himself & the relationship.
shakespearegal Posted April 14, 2007 Posted April 14, 2007 I wish I knew what the "thing" was. LOL I guess therein lies the key. He's HUGE at fearing failure, and I get a feeling that every time a fight gets ugly (well not every time, but perhaps when they come at a time when he's under stress or frustrated or I trigger some memory of his ex (he was with a girl on and off for 10 years, but they broke up 4 years ago)), he suddenly feels like he's going to fail at this too. Everything he said and the way he said it just screamed "I surrender," but he had moments frequently, especially lately, when he was communicating and opening up and we would diffuse arguments quite well. I don't know ... That email, by the way, came before I realized I had to leave him completely alone. That was a week ago, but I have not broken it since and do not plan on it either. Thank you for your insight! :-)
Author shakespearesgal Posted April 14, 2007 Author Posted April 14, 2007 I wish I knew what the "thing" was. LOL I guess therein lies the key. He's HUGE at fearing failure, and I get a feeling that every time a fight gets ugly (well not every time, but perhaps when they come at a time when he's under stress or frustrated or I trigger some memory of his ex (he was with a girl on and off for 10 years, but they broke up 4 years ago)), he suddenly feels like he's going to fail at this too. Everything he said and the way he said it just screamed "I surrender," but he had moments frequently, especially lately, when he was communicating and opening up and we would diffuse arguments quite well. I don't know ... That email, by the way, came before I realized I had to leave him completely alone. That was a week ago, but I have not broken it since and do not plan on it either. Thank you for your insight! :-)
kepners Posted April 14, 2007 Posted April 14, 2007 isnt the THING your situation on KIDS? or am i missing something?
Author shakespearesgal Posted April 14, 2007 Author Posted April 14, 2007 No ... we had determined in January that neither one of us knew when we wanted kids anyway, so ... I don't think that's it. Plus, the kid thing only came up again when HE mentioned it, and I treated it as a non-issue, so I doubt it's that.
kepners Posted April 14, 2007 Posted April 14, 2007 i know you treat is as a dead issue, but he may not. i mean if u want kids... u know you want kids. a thought anyway
Author shakespearesgal Posted April 14, 2007 Author Posted April 14, 2007 Well, to some extent, I am sure that fuels his commitment phobia, whether I had mentioned it or not or whether I had made an issue or not, so you have a point. What gets to me about THAT is that he would talk about baby names and how he planned on disciplining his kids. I NEVER once initiated family talk. I am thinking he wants it/he wants it not ... one of those things. He just strikes me as one confused puppy, as much as I love him.
kepners Posted April 15, 2007 Posted April 15, 2007 do you or do you not want kids? i am guessing he does real soon... and you dont - well you said 10 years! thats could WELL be a big deal to him... as for him initiating them means he wants them... NO?
Guest Posted April 15, 2007 Posted April 15, 2007 do you or do you not want kids? i am guessing he does real soon... and you dont - well you said 10 years! thats could WELL be a big deal to him... as for him initiating them means he wants them... NO? No, HE said he wanted them in ten years, but then he said he didn't know when. Bottom line, we both want them, but neither knows when. In the end, I don't think that is what undid us because he was not in a rush to have kids. In fact, he was paranoid about me getting pregnant, and I never pressured him for marriage or kids. I think he has a fear of commitment or of his feelings or failure or all three. I'll wait and see if he has the guts at some point to contact me and clarify things so that I can get things off my chest, but in the meantime ... I am staying away. The ball is in his court, and if he doesn't get his game together soon, this is going to happen to him again and again and again, and I refuse to be burned again and again and again. BUT ... part of me still wants him back, sigh ...
Author shakespearesgal Posted April 15, 2007 Author Posted April 15, 2007 Well, that's the irony. I know I want them, although not right now. He's the one that's unsure, yet he is the one that brings up the topic. I don't know how to interpret that, but ... I think the kid/marriage thing if it had anything to do with it is something that he is struggling with himself. I didn't mention or put pressure for any of those things. In other words, maybe because he was unsure of what he wanted in the future, he decided to call it quits. I still err on the side of he's afraid of his emotions, of failing, and/or of commiting. His parents' marriage was not a great one, although they are still together, and his pasrt long-term relationship, from the little I have heard, does not sound like it was great, even though it was on/off for 10 years (and over almost 5 years ago). Then again, he was with this girl (again on/off) from the age of 16 to 26, but he has had 4-5 years during which he was not in any long term relationship. One would think that it was enough for him to sow his oats, but maybe I am the first major relationship after that one, and he never learned any lessons to bring to this one. Once again, dunno ... gonna leave him alone. If he cares about me, but more importantly about himself, he will reflect and try to figure it out. I hope whatever conclusion he reaches, he at least approaches me and opens up to me, but that is his decision, and I am not forcing him into it. If he wants to end things in the cowardly way in which he did, then so be it. In the end, my conscience is clean. I am not perfect, and I made my mistakes, but I am stable, and I know what I want. Thanks for all your insight. Keep it coming! I enjoy this. :-)
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