So it's D-Day

[Tomcat33]

I see this all the time. Someone takes out a thread to voice their concerns to gain some insight into their bad situation, looking for ways to cope, looking to gain some strength in doing what's right seeing as what they have been doing so far is totally wrong. They made some mistakes HUGE ones and have seen some sort of light. And instead of provinding these people with some advice that can actually help them there is always someone piping in to voice their moral judegement on why they should basically suffer for what they did because it's "wrong".

 

Why? What's the point of that? You don't think the people who actually love and care deeply for those that end here up didn't already try to steer them right? Didn't already try to talk some "sense into them" even if it has to be through tough love? but it's one thing to provide tough love to those we do love, and it's another to use this medium as an escapism for our own anger and frustrations. And I find a lot of those judgements and critisims do, is release their own selfrighteous needs. They are not helping they are just venting their own frustrations on complete strangers who happend to be in the same shoes of their ARCH NEMESIS, and who at the end of the day really have DIDDLY SQUAT to do with your own particular situation.

 

Sorry it's quite clear that a select few are only here for their own personal agenda and let me say this, it is neither to help those who are seeking

advice nor is it to shed some light to offer a helping hand, it is purely a way to release some of the anger they clearly are putting off dealing with on their own'.

 

On a last note if these same people are such MORAL puritans they should lead by example...seeing as they want to be role models and all..

[Jinxx]

It is odd how so many of the betrayed spouses are upset, isn't it? I mean why in the world should they be?

 

Nobody is saying you don't have right to be upset. For Godsakes, I WAS a BS. You have every right to be upset. Nobody is denying you that right.

 

Take a good long look at yourself -- a real good look at yourself and think real hard about what your role is in contributing to your spouse straying. Nobody is perfect.

 

No marriage is perfect. Unfortunately men and women stray. It hurts like hell to learn the person you love and cherish so much would do such thing. Been there and Know all about it.

 

Hurt all you want. Go ahead and Lash out at the OW/OM if that makes you feel better.

 

And if you decide not to ditch him or her. Good for you. You got the prize. OW/OM may hurt but at least we know where we stand. Most of us know that going in. I for sure did.

[Jinxx]

It is odd how so many of the betrayed spouses are upset, isn't it? I mean why in the world should they be?

 

And another thing -- maybe you should stick to the infidelity forum where you can relate to all of the other BS's that have a hard time coping with your husband straying. I for one don't really give a rat's ass what you think about me and the fact that I had an affair. You hurt far more than I do.

 

But post and reply where you want. Go ahead -- you're free to do as you choose. Just accept the fact that this is an OW/OM forum for support.

 

Maybe you might learn something from some of us who have the *audacity* to take your spouse from you. More times than not, it is not our intent to break up your happy little family/fantasy world. Did you ever think we might give them something you don't?

 

I do feel for you, I really do.

[Ladyjane14]

I see this all the time. Someone takes out a thread to voice their concerns to gain some insight into their bad situation, looking for ways to cope, looking to gain some strength in doing what's right seeing as what they have been doing so far is totally wrong.

 

A woman goes to her doctor, and flapping her arm says... "Doc, it hurts when I go like THIS."

 

Doctor says... "Well, then don't go like THAT!" (Ba-dah-bump!)

[Tomcat33]

A woman goes to her doctor, and flapping her arm says... "Doc, it hurts when I go like THIS."

 

Doctor says... "Well, then don't go like THAT!" (Ba-dah-bump!)

 

 

Oh that's just lovely. So basically what you are implying is to avoid all the insulting that goes on in here, for all the people who seek advice ON a forum specifically catered to OW/OM, to not post for advice at all?

 

thanks for coming out Ladyjane, invalubale post. Really!

[Ladyjane14]

Oh that's just lovely. So basically what you are implying is to avoid all the insulting that goes on in here, for all the people who seek advice ON a forum specifically catered to OW/OM, to not post for advice at all?

 

thanks for coming out Ladyjane, invalubale post. Really!

 

No... what I'm suggesting is that MAYBE there are other reasons for people to post the suggestion that a behavior which becomes hurtful should NOT be engaged in.

 

Not everyone who posts an anti-adultery message is a "bitter betrayed spouse", or venting their 'moral indignation', or (gasp!)... "JUDGING".

 

Maybe, just maybe... there are REAL people who believe that if a person is engaged in an action which is likely to result in hurt to himself/herself, they'd probably do well to STOP.

[Jinxx]

NOT be engaged in.

 

Not everyone who posts an anti-adultery message is a "bitter betrayed spouse", or venting their 'moral indignation', or (gasp!)... "JUDGING".

 

 

Maybe not but more times than none it sure seems that way!

[Tomcat33]

No... what I'm suggesting is that MAYBE there are other reasons for people to post the suggestion that a behavior which becomes hurtful should NOT be engaged in.

 

Not everyone who posts an anti-adultery message is a "bitter betrayed spouse", or venting their 'moral indignation', or (gasp!)... "JUDGING".

 

Maybe, just maybe... there are REAL people who believe that if a person is engaged in an action which is likely to result in hurt to himself/herself, they'd probably do well to STOP.

 

I think most would agree that a variety in advice is good, different perspectives different takes and different views is really what most people want though they may not admit it openly or even resist the advice.

 

So telling someone to stop doing that which is causing them pain, is neither hurtful nor malicious. Insulting people with cheap PERSONAL shots because they did something wrong is malicious, selfrighteous and downright mean.

 

I don't think people come on here looking for sympathy but on the same token why kick them when they are already down? What purpose does this serve?

[Ladyjane14]

Maybe not but more times than none it sure seems that way!

 

Yeah... you're gonna see bashers in here from time to time... but they're pretty easy to identify. Easy to put on ignore too.

 

You're also going to see ALOT of folks who's basic message is... "Look out for that train!!!"

:eek:

 

Fact is... infidelity HURTS people. It hurts ALOT of people. And it's best to be avoided. For people who are already involved in it.. it's best to get UN-involved... quicktime.

 

It just seems goofy to me for OM/OW to get mad when posters from various situations weigh in on that message JUST on the basis of said poster not being engaged in an affair. The message itself is not invalidated.

[Tomcat33]

Yeah... you're gonna see bashers in here from time to time... but they're pretty easy to identify. Easy to put on ignore too.

 

You're also going to see ALOT of folks who's basic message is... "Look out for that train!!!"

:eek:

 

Fact is... infidelity HURTS people. It hurts ALOT of people. And it's best to be avoided. For people who are already involved in it.. it's best to get UN-involved... quicktime.

 

It just seems goofy to me for OM/OW to get mad when posters from various situations weigh in on that message JUST on the basis of said poster not being engaged in an affair. The message itself is not invalidated.

 

I agree with everything you said. Everyone is entitled to an opinion.

[Ladyjane14]

I don't think people come on here looking for sympathy but on the same token why kick them when they are already down? What purpose does this serve?

 

But they do come here looking for sympathy. They oftentimes want to be "sympathized" with. Most people do when they're in a troubled situation. That's just normal. Nobody has to be an OM/OW for that.

 

Blanket sympathy is not always helpful though. If a person is "down"... they need to get back up. And they've got to have a REASON for doing that. Sometimes it requires that they dig deep and get in touch with whatever they REALLY believe in.

 

So.. we hash, and rehash, and rehash again for each and every one who turns up here. And once an OW has found her spine again, and she knows she can do BETTER than a MM who's only sharing crumbs with her... she finds her feet.

 

It ain't a pretty process though. I'll give you that.

 

 

 

Anyway... it's best to NOT engage the haters. But not everyone who disagrees with you on any given point is necessarily a "hater". There've been some GOOD folks posting here the past day or two who aren't. The ones who are just here to stir the pot are easy enough to spot though. Ignore them.

[Tomcat33]

But they do come here looking for sympathy. They oftentimes want to be "sympathized" with. Most people do when they're in a troubled situation. That's just normal. Nobody has to be an OM/OW for that.

 

Blanket sympathy is not always helpful though. If a person is "down"... they need to get back up. And they've got to have a REASON for doing that. Sometimes it requires that they dig deep and get in touch with whatever they REALLY believe in.

 

So.. we hash, and rehash, and rehash again for each and every one who turns up here. And once an OW has found her spine again, and she knows she can do BETTER than a MM who's only sharing crumbs with her... she finds her feet.

 

It ain't a pretty process though. I'll give you that.

 

 

 

Anyway... it's best to NOT engage the haters. But not everyone who disagrees with you on any given point is necessarily a "hater". There've been some GOOD folks posting here the past day or two who aren't. The ones who are just here to stir the pot are easy enough to spot though. Ignore them.

 

Yes well sympathy can come in the form of helpful words to be reflected on, as opposed to "you made your bed now lay in it" which seems to be the approach some take. While I find extremely helpful to have both sides of the equation posting on here, I find that the true spirit of what I think was intended for this forum gets lost in the shuffle because there is just too much animosity that people carry within to be objective and really do what is intended, and that is to help. And I know that help comes in many forms, but I find it it's hard to focus when all the other emotions get in the way, It goes both ways I am not saying it is just one side or the other.

 

It's like going to an AA forum for help once you've reached rock bottom and having a beer company's PR team try to help you with your decision to quit drinking. It's hard to be objective when you have vested interests at hand. (please whomever is reading this don't try to associate my example to any one part of the example representing the BS or the OW that was not the intent of the example...my examples tend get twisted out of context here at times LOL)

 

Yeah speaking for myself, I don't think people who disagree with me are haters. I can appreciate a different point of view even if I don't adhere to it, I am open to other's thought. The haters ARE easy enough to spot, they are the ones with no REAL contribution to the threads other than to attack certain posters directly. That to me serves no purpose.

 

so what's this ignore feature everyone keeps talking about? does it mean that if I choose to ignore a particular poster I will never see their posts?

 

So.. we hash, and rehash, and rehash again for each and every one who turns up here. And once an OW has found her spine again, and she knows she can do BETTER than a MM who's only sharing crumbs with her... she finds her feet.

 

Loved that comment! It's true.

 

 

[Ladyjane14]

so what's this ignore feature everyone keeps talking about? does it mean that if I choose to ignore a particular poster I will never see their posts?

 

Yup.

It seems like it was easier to access at one point... but you can get into your ignore list from your own "My Profile" page, or you can click on the user name ot the person you want to ignore and go into their profile. At the bottom left-hand column... you'll find "Buddy/Ignore".

 

My understanding its that as long as you're signed in... you won't see that user's posts. But if anyone quotes from it, I imagine you'd probably see that.

[Salicious Crumb]

The BS and the OP are both betrayed. Not all OP go into the R knowing that the person is married.

 

absolutely..and it isn't their fault the married person lied to them...but once they find out they are married, that really should be the end of it...but I realize tearing away is easier said than done.

 

but for the people that know they are sleeping with someone elses spouse beforehand, I have no sympathy.

 

Just because someone is having an affair doesn't mean they have no conscious, no sense of reality, and are capable of hurting people and enjoying it. That would make all people that cheat sociopaths. NO, they aren't. Don't even try to say they are. It won't work.

 

Oh it doesn't make them sociopaths, but it sure as hell doesn't make them good people...that is for sure.

 

You respond selectively to people you want to piss off.

 

I respond to those who don't give a shi!t about who they hurt as long as they are getting their "needs" met.

 

I respond to others in my same situation as well.

 

The thing I have noticed about you is you toss off al the opinions you want but don't ever reveal anything about yourself.

 

LOL...where have you been...I think everyone here knows I still am angry about being betrayed...I make no bones about being bitter and what my state of mind was before finding out about the betrayal and after.

 

We know very little except the general details of why you're here. And she didn't even have an A. She cheated BEFORE you were married.

 

Cheating before marriage doesn't make any difference in the slightest.

 

And I only have EVIDENCE that she cheated before marriage. After I found that out...all her little outings to the nightclubs with her friends and coming back at 4am made a little more sense now. And since her friends can't keep their stories straight about where my wife was from 1am when the clubs closed til 4.....I think you get the picture.

 

Or was she out playing after hours putt putt golf?

 

and yes, I have evidence of the pre-marriage cheating...which means the vows she uttered at the alter were complete bullshi!t and I was never given a choice in the matter since she didn't have the guts to confess.

[Salicious Crumb]

Yeah you wish. Class isn't distinguished by being an OW/OM.

 

I'm sorry...you are correct Jinxx....knowingly sleeping with other people's spouses is of the utmost decency and thoughtfullness.

 

Why didn't I see this before?

[Salicious Crumb]

Nobody is saying you don't have right to be upset. For Godsakes, I WAS a BS. You have every right to be upset. Nobody is denying you that right.

 

Take a good long look at yourself -- a real good look at yourself and think real hard about what your role is in contributing to your spouse straying. Nobody is perfect.

 

Ah here we go again...blame the betrayed....justify the cheater.

 

No marriage is perfect.

 

Well then...you just gave EVERY married person a green light to cheat.

 

Of course no marriage is perfect...mine wasn't...there are alot of "needs" of mine that weren't met...but did I cheat?...no.

 

Unfortunately men and women stray. It hurts like hell to learn the person you love and cherish so much would do such thing. Been there and Know all about it.

 

and yet you became the person to dole out the pain...I would have thought you would have refrained from such things since you were hurt before. Or maybe after being hurt you just figured..."ah f#ck it....nobody will be faithful...so why should I?"

 

And if you decide not to ditch him or her. Good for you. You got the prize. OW/OM may hurt but at least we know where we stand. Most of us know that going in. I for sure did.

 

and you went in knowing he was married....there is the problem...you knew, and you didn't care.

[Salicious Crumb]

Maybe you might learn something from some of us who have the *audacity* to take your spouse from you.

 

This sums it up about you doesn't it?

 

Did you ever think we might give them something you don't?

 

Ah...more justification. there are alot of things I don't get from my wife and didn't before I found out what happened....so i guess I should go out and get those things from another woman eh?

 

But you keep giving men what you think they want and aren't getting from their wives....as long as you are providing a much needed service...that makes what you do noble and decent.

 

 

I do feel for you, I really do.

 

Ya...tell us another good one.

[Tomcat33]

absolutely..and it isn't their fault the married person lied to them...but once they find out they are married, that really should be the end of it...but I realize tearing away is easier said than done.

 

but for the people that know they are sleeping with someone elses spouse beforehand, I have no sympathy.

 

 

 

Oh it doesn't make them sociopaths, but it sure as hell doesn't make them good people...that is for sure.

 

 

 

I respond to those who don't give a shi!t about who they hurt as long as they are getting their "needs" met.

 

I respond to others in my same situation as well.

 

 

 

LOL...where have you been...I think everyone here knows I still am angry about being betrayed...I make no bones about being bitter and what my state of mind was before finding out about the betrayal and after.

 

 

 

Cheating before marriage doesn't make any difference in the slightest.

 

And I only have EVIDENCE that she cheated before marriage. After I found that out...all her little outings to the nightclubs with her friends and coming back at 4am made a little more sense now. And since her friends can't keep their stories straight about where my wife was from 1am when the clubs closed til 4.....I think you get the picture.

 

Or was she out playing after hours putt putt golf?

 

and yes, I have evidence of the pre-marriage cheating...which means the vows she uttered at the alter were complete bullshi!t and I was never given a choice in the matter since she didn't have the guts to confess.

 

Now I understand all the pent up anger, you are just angry and super frustrated at yourself for settling for a cheater and short changing yourself. We have choices and you made yours.

[Salicious Crumb]

So telling someone to stop doing that which is causing them pain, is neither hurtful nor malicious. Insulting people with cheap PERSONAL shots because they did something wrong is malicious, selfrighteous and downright mean.

 

someone doing something wrong and want to know how to correct it...and someone doing something wrong...and want to continue doing something wrong no matter who they hurt are two COMPLETELY different things.

 

I don't think people come on here looking for sympathy but on the same token why kick them when they are already down? What purpose does this serve?

 

Kick them when they are down? You mean like the people they are hurting and continue to hurt just to satisfy they own selfish "needs"?

[Salicious Crumb]

Now I understand all the pent up anger, you are just angry and super frustrated at yourself for settling for a cheater and short changing yourself. We have choices and you made yours.

 

Uh...I never had the choice and never knew. If I had known she cheated while we were engaged, I would have called off the wedding.

Things now are a little more complicated with two beautiful kids in the picture. Divorce may happen...we will have to see.

[Tomcat33]

someone doing something wrong and want to know how to correct it...and someone doing something wrong...and want to continue doing something wrong no matter who they hurt are two COMPLETELY different things.

 

 

 

YOU can't change people's actions, you simply can't. No matter how much you insult people it won't change their intentions. It's not the way it works. Can you accept that? No matter how much you insult people, no matter how many times you put them down and call them every name in the book it's not going to erase what your W did to you.

 

You are so deep in your own emotions you can't even see what you are doing. This isn't about everyone else it's about the betrayal that happened to you.

You have waaaay too much anger, and I understand that your situation is frustrating, believe me I understand but living in anger is also an addiction, you get some sort of pleasure out of holding on to that anger so damn tight. If you've chosen to stay with your W you need to start to forgive, and letting go of some of that anger is forgiving. Otherwise what's the point?

[Tomcat33]

Uh...I never had the choice and never knew. If I had known she cheated while we were engaged, I would have called off the wedding.

Things now are a little more complicated with two beautiful kids in the picture. Divorce may happen...we will have to see.

 

Ok sorry, I thought you found out before you got married.

 

What she did was very deceitful, I can see that now and I don't blame you for being angry. Is she good to you now though? do you have a solid relationship now? Can you entertain the thought that she is human, that she made a mistake and she could be a completely different person now. Because people do make mistakes (it may not be the kind of mistake YOU would make, but we all make mistakes with different degrees of reprecutions to them, I'm sure you are no saint LOL ;-) and people change, the important thing is how she is with you now. I'm not saying FORGET what she did, no, but if you want to begin the forgiveness process you have to let go a bit of the anger. Practice here.

[outofdarkness]

Why do you keep bickering w/ everyone? Is it to make your point that what you did is ok...B/C I think everyone has gotten that. Not that your posting is a waste of time..Everyone's OPs are valuable in IMO, but the same thing over and over and the bickering that you engage in one on one...Is that helpful to the board? I can't see where you're really giving any advice, etc...Granted, I haven't had time to re read all of the posts, but is seems really redundant to me...

[whichwayisup]

but the same thing over and over and the bickering that you engage in one on one..

 

I've noticed this too and as soon as you point it out to her, she reacts and says she has every right to post her opinion and we're all closed minded, and how we shouldn't be giving harsh advice, blah blah blah...It's just going in one big circle.

 

I also think she owes SC an appology because she assumed alot about him and his situation, then accused him of not posting about the real reason why he is on LS. Anyway, I'm sure I'll get into trouble now as I've spoken up and TC will think I'm attacking her. (I'm really not TC).

 

**Oops, edit to add - I saw she did say sorry to SC...*

[herenow]

SC, say anything you want here. Do not let anyone tell you how to feel. It is perfectly OK to let your anger out. I believe that it is much healthier to get it out of your system. As a matter of fact, I believe that it is necessary to get all the anger out before you can move on.

 

I came here last year very angry and after several months I have been able to let go of that anger and move on to make my marriage stronger. I wish the same for you.

 

This is a free forum open to anyone. We are not paid specialists and we are not obligated in any way to compromise our own beliefs or how we feel. If someone wants to ignore us, so be it, but do not feel like you should have to hold on to your anger. Please speak freely.