herenow Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 Sense of entitlement? Could care less...Ok I'll give you that. Some of the OW/OM don't care less but I don't see anyone portraying themselves as being entitled to get their man/woman. I haven't seen a posting that says "I have invested three(or however many) years of my life waiting for him/her and dammit I should have them. I deserve it." I think most of the OW/OM are conscious of the fact that people could get hurt but it's easier to not think about it because in most cases they don't actually know the W or their children. The same as it is for people to criticize and hurt other people on the internet. You don't know them so what difference does it make what you say/do? I'm sure you can relate to that. You think criticizing someone on the internet is the same as having sex with their husband. You think it's just fine to ignore the fact that a family is being destroyed because you don't know the wife and kids who cares if they get hurt? It's easier to just not think about other people. This is the type of post that gives OW a bad name. And Tomcat loves this comment the best. Why am I not surprised? FYI, say all you want about me on the internet, it has no bearing on my life at all, I couldn't care less, however, when an OW had sex with my H, it changed all of our lives including the OW. She wanted to ignore me, but when I became a reality, she was no longer able to ignore it. I have never seen or spoken to her, but I'm very real to her now. And the pain is very real, and the devastation is very real.
Tomcat33 Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 And this is being respectful to others? Sounds like an angry rant to me. Tomcat, I have read numerous posts here from people trying to help you and you call them harsh and angry. You ask for opinions, but you don't like anything that doesn't fit with your way of thinking. Just because someone doesn't agree with you and is forth coming in their opinion, doesn't mean that they are not well. It means that they are being honest with you and you just don't like what they have to say. So, your way of being respectful is by insulting them. Read your post again because it applies to you most. Missed my point completely...but you did a fine job at demonstrating it nonetheless. Note to self: Three, two one...aaaaand ignore! Side note: I've only taken out one thread in the whole time I've been here asking for advice and I took all the advice regardless of how I felt about it. So don't make crap up. It's all logged here for everyone to see.
herenow Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 Missed my point completely...but you did a fine job at demonstrating it nonetheless. Note to self: Three, two one...aaaaand ignore! Side note: I've only taken out one thread in the whole time I've been here asking for advice and I took all the advice regardless of how I felt about it. So don't make crap up. It's all logged here for everyone to see. You're welcome. Glad I could help.
Tomcat33 Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 FYI, say all you want about me on the internet, it has no bearing on my life at all, I couldn't care less, however, when an OW had sex with my H, it changed all of our lives including the OW. She wanted to ignore me, but when I became a reality, she was no longer able to ignore it. I have never seen or spoken to her, but I'm very real to her now. And the pain is very real, and the devastation is very real. what are you, 8? Fine example of how you should leave your issues, for the OW who came between you and your husband not the people here. chances are she is not here.
Trialbyfire Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 FYI, say all you want about me on the internet, it has no bearing on my life at all, I couldn't care less, however, when an OW had sex with my H, it changed all of our lives including the OW. She wanted to ignore me, but when I became a reality, she was no longer able to ignore it. I have never seen or spoken to her, but I'm very real to her now. And the pain is very real, and the devastation is very real. In essence, OW that knowingly go into affairs or OW that unknowingly go into affairs, find out, and choose to remain in affairs, have personal choice. Betrayed spouses do not have the choice but are forced to deal with the majority of the fallout from D-day onward. If they want to make their marriages work, they must be willing to throw out everything they've ever believed in, in order to forgive and start anew. The other option, if unable to stomach this, is to throw away their marriage and give up someone they love. In both situations, the reality is, the person and many times the father of their children, the person that they "loved", doesn't or no longer exists. Talk about a bottle full of bitter pills to choke down dry.
herenow Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 what are you, 8? Fine example of how you should leave your issues, for the OW who came between you and your husband not the people here. chances are she is not here. What are you taking about? I never said she was here, and if I wanted to talk to her, I would call her. How many times do I have to say that she is irrelevant to me? I'm making the point that when an affair comes out in the open it changes everything and everyone involved. The pain cannot be ignored. It's very real no matter who you are. I'm sure the OW felt pain that was very real as well. BTW, she did not come between me and my H. The actions of my H is what had an effect on my marriage. See, I don't know her, so how could she effect me, right?
Author Babybird Posted April 25, 2007 Author Posted April 25, 2007 You think criticizing someone on the internet is the same as having sex with their husband. You think it's just fine to ignore the fact that a family is being destroyed because you don't know the wife and kids who cares if they get hurt? It's easier to just not think about other people. This is the type of post that gives OW a bad name. And Tomcat loves this comment the best. Why am I not surprised? FYI, say all you want about me on the internet, it has no bearing on my life at all, I couldn't care less, however, when an OW had sex with my H, it changed all of our lives including the OW. She wanted to ignore me, but when I became a reality, she was no longer able to ignore it. I have never seen or spoken to her, but I'm very real to her now. And the pain is very real, and the devastation is very real. Hurting people is hurting people whether or not you're screwing their husband or gossiping, or bashing on the internet. The hurt may not be as intense but it's just as real. I never said it was fine to ignore the fact that people will most likely be hurt from an A. Most affairs are discovered and I was lucky that mine wasn't, which is what this post was all about. It is easier not to think about the other people. When I thought it was my D-day I was very conscious that his W would be hurt. It has always been in the back of my mind but not something I sit and ponder for hours at a time. Seriously, why does that give the OW any worse of a name than the action of having an A period? I'm sorry that you had the experience that you had with your H and his A. I can relate. My exH screwed my best friend and then tried to screw my other one. Yes the hurt is real and devastating. In my case I was more hurt by the what my friends did than my H. Losing your two best friends, your husband, and all of your stability is an utterly miserable time. How could I have an A after what happened to me? I don't know. I never intended for this to turn out to be what it is. I will admit that this was supposed to be a sex thing period. He fell first and I tumbled shortly after. I think it is awful that I intentionally had sex with a married man. It sickens me. That was a terrible time and place in my life and I wasn't thinking like I should've been. I should stop things with him but I just can't yet. He has three months to move out or I move on. Just thought I would share that with you. Don't know why but I felt compelled.
whichwayisup Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 Can I ask you BB, now that you've had an affair with a MM, and you are/were the OW, can you see it from your bestfriends point of view now? Is it possible she chose to close YOU off in her mind, like you don't really exist as his wife? I just really can't understand after a double betrayal like that, you could have an affair and completely disreguard MM's wife until D-day. Because of where you are now, have you thought about forgiving your bestfriend? I mean, maybe she was just like you, never thought about having an affair, it could have been just a sex thing - Nothing else, and then it spiralled out of control. I am glad though that you have the time limit. I really hope you stick to it IF that 3 months is up and things are the same. Follow through on it NO MATTER WHAT!!! Even if it kills you, move on. Also, I hope I haven't offended you about asking you about your exBF and you being the OW...I am just curious, that's all.
Tomcat33 Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 Can I ask you BB, now that you've had an affair with a MM, and you are/were the OW, can you see it from your bestfriends point of view now? Is it possible she chose to close YOU off in her mind, like you don't really exist as his wife? I just really can't understand after a double betrayal like that, you could have an affair and completely disreguard MM's wife until D-day. Without being BB i can almost see what she is going to respond. The betrayal in her situation was dual, from her H and from her friend. Those are TWO people whom you trust an let into your life, that stabbed you in the back. You can't even compare that situation to those of OW who don't even know the BS. Sure it's still wrong but the sense of detachment can only happen when you don't know the BS. In BB's case they all knew her...
herenow Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 Hurting people is hurting people whether or not you're screwing their husband or gossiping, or bashing on the internet. The hurt may not be as intense but it's just as real. I never said it was fine to ignore the fact that people will most likely be hurt from an A. Most affairs are discovered and I was lucky that mine wasn't, which is what this post was all about. It is easier not to think about the other people. When I thought it was my D-day I was very conscious that his W would be hurt. It has always been in the back of my mind but not something I sit and ponder for hours at a time. Seriously, why does that give the OW any worse of a name than the action of having an A period? I'm sorry that you had the experience that you had with your H and his A. I can relate. My exH screwed my best friend and then tried to screw my other one. Yes the hurt is real and devastating. In my case I was more hurt by the what my friends did than my H. Losing your two best friends, your husband, and all of your stability is an utterly miserable time. How could I have an A after what happened to me? I don't know. I never intended for this to turn out to be what it is. I will admit that this was supposed to be a sex thing period. He fell first and I tumbled shortly after. I think it is awful that I intentionally had sex with a married man. It sickens me. That was a terrible time and place in my life and I wasn't thinking like I should've been. I should stop things with him but I just can't yet. He has three months to move out or I move on. Just thought I would share that with you. Don't know why but I felt compelled. Your being honest and I appreciate that. I will be honest with you as well. I will never say that my H's affair was good thing. He should have come to me when he felt the urge to stray. However, I can say that things needed to change and maybe the affair is what pushed us to make that change. After years of marriage, kids, a home and work, both of us began to neglect our marriage. The truth is, the love we have for each other never changed, we just started to take it for granted. We have both taken responsibility for our part in the problems we had and made the necessary changes to make our marriage stronger. MY H has taken full responsibility for the affair. He has never blamed the OW or me. There have been days that I have felt sorry for the OW. She was a quick fix for a problem that he was not able to face. There have been days that I feel she deserves whatever pain she has felt, but most of the time, I just don't have any feelings for her. I post here because I feel my experience may be valuable to someone. To those who feel it isn't, please ignore me. But it may be helpful to someone, and for that its worth posting.
Tomcat33 Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 In adition to my last post if someone snatches your purse at a park, it can be a real bummer to say the least. But to have your best friend enter the safety of your home and take your purse from right under your nose is really devestating.
whichwayisup Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 The truth is, the love we have for each other never changed, we just started to take it for granted. We have both taken responsibility for our part in the problems we had and made the necessary changes to make our marriage stronger. And this is why so many MM decide not to leave their wives. They realize HOW much they love their wives, realize that day in and day out life got in the way, made the couple grow apart abit, priorities changed ... And that equals neglected feelings, needs, enough to open the door for someone on the outside to slip in... Great post HN. And you have helped many people along the way. Definately keep sharing your thoughts and feelings.
herenow Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 In adition to my last post if someone snatches your purse at a park, it can be a real bummer to say the least. But to have your best friend enter the safety of your home and take your purse from right under your nose is really devestating. I don't know about that. Either way, the purse is gone and you have a choice to make as to how much you really love the purse and if you want it back. Isn't it you who thinks you should just let the purse go and get a new one anyway?
herenow Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 And this is why so many MM decide not to leave their wives. They realize HOW much they love their wives, realize that day in and day out life got in the way, made the couple grow apart abit, priorities changed ... And that equals neglected feelings, needs, enough to open the door for someone on the outside to slip in... Great post HN. And you have helped many people along the way. Definately keep sharing your thoughts and feelings. Thank you WWIU. You know you are my hero, don't you?
Tomcat33 Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 I don't know about that. Either way, the purse is gone and you have a choice to make as to how much you really love the purse and if you want it back. Isn't it you who thinks you should just let the purse go and get a new one anyway? The purse example was used to illustrate the feeling of betrayal from a complete stranger as opposed to being betrayed by someone you care about, trust and love. For you to then use that example to demonstrate that of letting the purse go as is equivalent to letting a WH go, is a silly example. The purse did not choose to go to another person to be stolen, the purse is an inanimate object and has no say or action in the sealing process. yes I may love it and love its contents but no it had no say in the stealing process. Sorry that example just won't gel.
whichwayisup Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 Thank you WWIU. You know you are my hero, don't you? Right back at ya babe! you should just let the purse go and get a new one anyway? Either way, the purse and the purse stealer are both selfish.
herenow Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 The purse example was used to illustrate the feeling of betrayal from a complete stranger as opposed to being betrayed by someone you care about, trust and love. For you to then use that example to demonstrate that of letting the purse go as is equivalent to letting a WH go, is a silly example. The purse did not choose to go to another person to be stolen, the purse is an inanimate object and has no say or action in the sealing process. yes I may love it and love its contents but no it had no say in the stealing process. Sorry that example just won't gel. It's YOUR example honey. I agree it's not a good one.
Tomcat33 Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 Either way, the purse and the purse stealer are both selfish. LOL Ooooo-k then sorry I didn't realise purses could be selfish!?? LOL
Tomcat33 Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 It's YOUR example honey. I agree it's not a good one. Yeah it's my example TAKEN OUT OF CONTEXT, to demonstrate your useless example!
herenow Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 Yeah it's my example TAKEN OUT OF CONTEXT, to demonstrate your useless example! I thought you were going to ignore me. What happened? Having too much fun with the drama are ya? Well, I'm bored so WWIU, have a great night. This is a bit to juvenile for me.
whichwayisup Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 LOL Ooooo-k then sorry I didn't realise purses could be selfish!?? LOL Purse MM, Stealer OW. OWNER of the purse - BW. Make sense now?
Tomcat33 Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 Purse MM, Stealer OW. OWNER of the purse - BW. Make sense now? NO it doesn't make sense at all, that's not what my example meant. You missed the point clearly. Come back and rea-read the posts in the morning on a clear head.
Author Babybird Posted April 25, 2007 Author Posted April 25, 2007 Can I ask you BB, now that you've had an affair with a MM, and you are/were the OW, can you see it from your bestfriends point of view now? Is it possible she chose to close YOU off in her mind, like you don't really exist as his wife? I just really can't understand after a double betrayal like that, you could have an affair and completely disreguard MM's wife until D-day. Because of where you are now, have you thought about forgiving your bestfriend? I mean, maybe she was just like you, never thought about having an affair, it could have been just a sex thing - Nothing else, and then it spiralled out of control. I am glad though that you have the time limit. I really hope you stick to it IF that 3 months is up and things are the same. Follow through on it NO MATTER WHAT!!! Even if it kills you, move on. Also, I hope I haven't offended you about asking you about your exBF and you being the OW...I am just curious, that's all. I'm sure she did close me off in her mind. I thought about forgiving her until last week when she told me that she still wanted him. Even if she did she shouldn't have told me. The only reason we ever talked again was because I was ready to have a nervous breakdown. I lost my financial stability, my husband, my family gave me absolutely no emotional support. I needed someone and I wanted them to be my friends. I tried to rationalize that they were drunk. It worked for a while. I guess I did completely disregard her. There were times I stopped and thought about what would happen if she found out. I think thats the key though. What would happen not how she would feel. D-day it really hit me about how she would actually feel. I was not at all offended. Thanks for asking actually. I hadn't thought about these things for a while.
greengoddess Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 Tomcat I used the word classless for you after you chose to use profanity on a public forum. Sorry in my opinion anyone who can not communicate effectively in writing without resorting to profanilty is classless. This was not a slip of the tongue but a thought out written out statement with some very classless profanity. Sorry but that is classless and totally unnecessary. I made the comment to you that i would not want a friend like you. That was a statement. I would never want a friend that slept with my married brother behind my back. That is no friend regardless of how much I dislike his wife. Your response was basically to tell me to f-off. Classless dear, totally classless.
whichwayisup Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 I'm sure she did close me off in her mind. I thought about forgiving her until last week when she told me that she still wanted him. Even if she did she shouldn't have told me. The only reason we ever talked again was because I was ready to have a nervous breakdown. I lost my financial stability, my husband, my family gave me absolutely no emotional support. I needed someone and I wanted them to be my friends. I tried to rationalize that they were drunk. It worked for a while. I guess I did completely disregard her. There were times I stopped and thought about what would happen if she found out. I think thats the key though. What would happen not how she would feel. D-day it really hit me about how she would actually feel. I was not at all offended. Thanks for asking actually. I hadn't thought about these things for a while. It's too bad that she still wants him, and but it's good she did tell you so that way you wouldn't waste time even considering to let her back into your life. Keep strong! And, thanks for answering my question.
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