So it's D-Day

[outofdarkness]

Hey Movin get used to it, around here once a cheater always a cheater and once and OW/OM always an OW/OM. We are just a bunch of sexcraved, unscrupulous ba@#$ds that thrive on harming other people, and thrive on affairs.

 

Ok so that was a little sarcastic....

 

but seriously all I keep reading in these forums are the same old comments about the same old stereotypes. It is very diffcult to have a conversation when when people just talk in absolutes, and in stereotypes.

 

I could not agree more that people may like how they feel with the person but absolutely HATE the affair.

 

As per telling the kids, WHY drag them into the whole mess? Why pit them against one of the parents. If the child's well being is in the best interest I don't see the point of EVER telling the child their dad/mom had an affair. If they were good solid parents isn't that more than a child could hope for?

So...hmmm...I guess you're saying that b/c we were advised by a professional to tell our kids the truth and did so, we're not good solid parents?? I guess it depends on the situation. All are very unique. In my case, many things went on for many years, some directed towards the kids that could not be explained, and this took a huge load off of them. If you can understand something, you are much better able to deal w/ it and move on. Otherwise, yes, you DO tend to blame yourselves. As to the child NEVER even as an , knowing the truth...I didn't find out about my lying, cheating perverted Dad until I was in my 30's...I wish so much that someone, anyone had told me the truth. At least I would not have spent 35 years blaming myself for his terrible deeds...It's a heated debate that will not go away any time soon, and everyone is entitled to TTOOP, but please remember that each situation is unique in itself and must be handled on an individual basis.

[Tomcat33]

So...hmmm...I guess you're saying that b/c we were advised by a professional to tell our kids the truth and did so, we're not good solid parents?? I guess it depends on the situation. All are very unique. In my case, many things went on for many years, some directed towards the kids that could not be explained, and this took a huge load off of them. If you can understand something, you are much better able to deal w/ it and move on. Otherwise, yes, you DO tend to blame yourselves. As to the child NEVER even as an , knowing the truth...I didn't find out about my lying, cheating perverted Dad until I was in my 30's...I wish so much that someone, anyone had told me the truth. At least I would not have spent 35 years blaming myself for his terrible deeds...It's a heated debate that will not go away any time soon, and everyone is entitled to TTOOP, but please remember that each situation is unique in itself and must be handled on an individual basis.

 

 

Absolutely OOD I agree that it is a case by case situation, and I would never say that a parent that choose to disclose the happening to a child is a "bad" parent. I know that professionals advice a lot of things. But I also know that the things that we absorb growing up will shape and mold us to be the adults that we become, and sometimes it's best not to know certain things, on the flip side of your situation because maybe just maybe the relationship between a child and their parent could have BETTER had they not know certain things about them that made the child resent them growing up.

Every home is dysfunctional in it's own way, but it's proven that the damange that is done to a child that is sucked in between spousal problems ends up scarring them for life. Some kids just want to be kids, or teens, they don't want to know the nitty gritty of why mom and dad don't get along they just want to know that mom and dad are going to be there for them, to protect them to make them feel safe.

 

I agree it's a long debate.

 

On the other hand someone made a very valid point to the effect of how does a parent explain to their child when they are withdrawn from them when they are having to deal with their own deep pain caused by the affair? Great point.

[GreenEyedLady]

I think the important thing to realize is that parents try and do the best they can do...no one has a crystal ball...and children do make it through...

 

When I was a little girl I used to think my parents knew everything and doubted nothing about their decisions...so NOT TRUE...when I became a parent, I realized that you just have to love your children and try to do what's best for them...

[outofdarkness]

Absolutely OOD I agree that it is a case by case situation, and I would never say that a parent that choose to disclose the happening to a child is a "bad" parent. I know that professionals advice a lot of things. But I also know that the things that we absorb growing up will shape and mold us to be the adults that we become, and sometimes it's best not to know certain things, on the flip side of your situation because maybe just maybe the relationship between a child and their parent could have BETTER had they not know certain things about them that made the child resent them growing up.

Every home is dysfunctional in it's own way, but it's proven that the damange that is done to a child that is sucked in between spousal problems ends up scarring them for life. Some kids just want to be kids, or teens, they don't want to know the nitty gritty of why mom and dad don't get along they just want to know that mom and dad are going to be there for them, to protect them to make them feel safe.

 

I agree it's a long debate.

 

On the other hand someone made a very valid point to the effect of how does a parent explain to their child when they are withdrawn from them when they are having to deal with their own deep pain caused by the affair? Great point.

Yeah, you've got some valid points too..It is a heated debate and one that will not go away any time soon. In my case, I would have much rather been sucked into what was going on w/ my Mom and Dad then continue to take his wrath and blame me for every thing that went wrong...Just b/c I happened to be the "perceptive" one that picked up on the tension and didn't know how to express it. My Dad was abusive both physically and verbally, and I did not get along w/ him. I grew up thinking that if I could just do this right or not do that wrong, he would be nice to me and my parent's would be happy...People like this often project their problems onto other people, and kids are easy targets. After MY parent's D day and everything came out; courtesy of an extremely vindictive and cruel great aunt, I felt such a rush of relief and so happy to finally know that things were not my fault, ie., job losses, etc..that I was elated to help w/ the D and wipe him out of our lives forever. I am to this day convinced that he is one of the rare but true sociopaths out there. Yes, my situation is extreme...Case by case basis, remember? I do appreciate your views. I always like to read about how others handled their parent's D's...

[Salicious Crumb]

And I know for a fact that many OW/OM would never do it again. They don't crave that situation at all. So its nothing like an alcoholic would crave alcohol. Two different animals.

 

I didn't say anything about OW/OM....in reference to an alcoholic..it was directed at cheaters, not OW/OM since they technically are not the ones doing the cheatin...although their actions are just as bad.

[Babybird]

Hey Movin get used to it, around here once a cheater always a cheater and once and OW/OM always an OW/OM. We are just a bunch of sexcraved, unscrupulous ba@#$ds that thrive on harming other people, and thrive on affairs.

 

Ok so that was a little sarcastic....

 

but seriously all I keep reading in these forums are the same old comments about the same old stereotypes. It is very difficult to have a conversation when when people just talk in absolutes, and in stereotypes.

 

I could not agree more that people may like how they feel with the person but absolutely HATE the affair.

 

As per telling the kids, WHY drag them into the whole mess? Why pit them against one of the parents. If the child's well being is in the best interest I don't see the point of EVER telling the child their dad/mom had an affair. If they were good solid parents isn't that more than a child could hope for?

 

Great points TC! Although it was a little sarcastic for the most part you hit the nail on the head. IT seems everything is a stereotype and nothing strays from the norm. Your right. It does make for a lousy conversation sometimes. That could also be because we're hearing things we don't want to believe are true or could be true. But the same goes for the opposite: many of the stereotypers have had these things happen to them: the H/w cheated, got caught but didn't leave or the OP was heartbroken, or the H is a serial cheater. There is a possiblity that they'll leave and be with the OP and that hurts just as much for them to hear it.

[Babybird]

Babybird you are friends with his wife and her family?

 

How do you look at yourself in the mirror everyday?

 

I'm friends with his sister, not his W. I didn't like her before the A started.

 

I look in the mirror everyday the same way everyone else does. I stand in front of it.

[greengoddess]

I'm friends with his sister, not his W. I didn't like her before the A started.

 

I look in the mirror everyday the same way everyone else does. I stand in front of it.

 

so does your friend his sister know you are screwing her married brother?

 

Gosh I wish I had friends like you. NOT.

[Babybird]

so does your friend his sister know you are screwing her married brother?

 

Gosh I wish I had friends like you. NOT.

 

My friend, his sister, does not know I am screwing her brother. I don't think she would care anyway. She doesn't like his W and thinks he should leave her. She thinks he should be with someone that actually loves him, sleeps in the same room, spends time with him, and every once in a while makes love to him. Their marital problems aren't a big secret. Plus, she wouldn't throw a stone in the glass house she lives in so she can relate to everything he's going through. Her situation is quite similar.

 

As far as having a friend like me: if my morality is such an issue to you then don't respond to my posts. I wouldn't want to associate myself, or claim to have a friend thats a self-righteous, judgmental person like you anyway. I never asked you to like me, or respect my choices and decisions and frankly I don't give a f*ck if you do or not. SO maybe you should take a look in the mirror, re-read your posts, and look at the type of person you portray(and probably are) yourself to be.

[Guest]

BB,

 

Please don't get upset because someone is questioning your morals. Don't you believe you are doing something that is horribly wrong? You are sleeping with a MM. It doesn't matter what types of problems he is having, you shouldn't have put yourself there. You knew before you started sleeping with him that he was married and yet you still jump in the sack with him. You didn't care the impact this would have on his family. You were being selfish and only thinking about yourself.

 

Your MM has no respect for you or his wife. He should have gotten a divorce before he started sleeping with you. I would never willingly get involved with a MM. I was raised with morals. A MM looks for someone he thinks are looking for love and have poor self esteem. Someone he knows will believe anything he says. The majority of MM lies to both their OW and BS. These men are narcisstic manipulator who knows how to balance his time between both women. The OW usually believes that he would leave his wife and is an unhappy marriage because he is there with her. The BS may think he is working late or on a business trip.

 

I really feel bad for OW who stay with a MM after showing with he's done to his other family. I think they live in a fantasy land believing that they are better than the BS and he wouldn't do it to them. Maybe he will and Maybe he won't. If he did, most likely you won't know just like his ex BS didn't know. Are you that desparate that you can't find a single man? Yes. You can help who you fall in love with. When you found out he was married, he should have been offlimit. You didn't care. So, if another woman decide to be with your new man if he lives his wife for you, will you get upset? or Will you congradulate her on a good job? Will you feel like it was your fault he cheated on you? Tell me, why don't he just leave his wife and be with you? Think about it. He doesn't want to leave her. Your desparate act of calling him while you are tipsy tells me you have poor self esteem and you are upset that he has not filed for divorce and is declaring his love for you.

 

Right now you don't care with anyone say, you just want your Man! You don't care with it takes to get him or who it hurts as long as he is yours. You are blinded by what you call love and what he call a "booty call".

 

Wake up and at least Respect yourself! Because right now, you don't. You may look in the mirror but I guarentee you that the reflection shows a woman who is selfish with poor esteem that is desparately looking for someone or anyone to love her.

[Salicious Crumb]

I never asked you to like me, or respect my choices and decisions and frankly I don't give a f*ck if you do or not.

 

Well then...I guess you won't be asking for people's opinions here any longer if you don't give a f#ck....hmmmm?

[Salicious Crumb]

Craving for the MM in particular that you are involved with...not for any random MM...I fear I will always crave him. It actually makes a lot of sense to me.

 

Thats because I DO make alot of sense....

[greengoddess]

My friend, his sister, does not know I am screwing her brother. I don't think she would care anyway. She doesn't like his W and thinks he should leave her. She thinks he should be with someone that actually loves him, sleeps in the same room, spends time with him, and every once in a while makes love to him. Their marital problems aren't a big secret. Plus, she wouldn't throw a stone in the glass house she lives in so she can relate to everything he's going through. Her situation is quite similar.

 

As far as having a friend like me: if my morality is such an issue to you then don't respond to my posts. I wouldn't want to associate myself, or claim to have a friend thats a self-righteous, judgmental person like you anyway. I never asked you to like me, or respect my choices and decisions and frankly I don't give a f*ck if you do or not. SO maybe you should take a look in the mirror, re-read your posts, and look at the type of person you portray(and probably are) yourself to be.

 

 

I just love when the ow shows just how classless they truly are.

[Lukkyu]

I just love when the ow shows just how classless they truly are.

 

 

Indeed, too bad it goes both ways, no?

[Salicious Crumb]

I just love when the ow shows just how classless they truly are.

 

Maybe thats why they are the OW?....just a classless part time piece on the side for his convenience. It swings the other way for OM too.

[Tomcat33]

Yeah, you've got some valid points too..It is a heated debate and one that will not go away any time soon. In my case, I would have much rather been sucked into what was going on w/ my Mom and Dad then continue to take his wrath and blame me for every thing that went wrong...Just b/c I happened to be the "perceptive" one that picked up on the tension and didn't know how to express it. My Dad was abusive both physically and verbally, and I did not get along w/ him. I grew up thinking that if I could just do this right or not do that wrong, he would be nice to me and my parent's would be happy...People like this often project their problems onto other people, and kids are easy targets. After MY parent's D day and everything came out; courtesy of an extremely vindictive and cruel great aunt, I felt such a rush of relief and so happy to finally know that things were not my fault, ie., job losses, etc..that I was elated to help w/ the D and wipe him out of our lives forever. I am to this day convinced that he is one of the rare but true sociopaths out there. Yes, my situation is extreme...Case by case basis, remember? I do appreciate your views. I always like to read about how others handled their parent's D's...

 

WOW OOD that is some story you just shared with us, perhaps could explain some of what ties you to your current situation with your H. The need to make it right for approval. A lot of women suffer from this. There are so many things that play out in our relationships due to our relationships with our parents. It's so unfair for your father to blame you for his crazy behaviour. How did he do this would he come right and snap at you for things that didn't go right for him?

 

Unlike yourself my parents never divorced, they are actually still together my father has changed significantly but growing up as a child and teenager he was very difficult, pretty much absent from home, he was hard working but that's about it, it was mostly my mother who did the parenting for both. And their relationship was very rocky they argued a lot and probably should have seperated back then, it was toxic. With my syblings we used to hope that they would seperate just so that we could get some peace at home. We wanted to see our mother loved so desperately and our father was not very affectionate back then.

 

 

thankfully he has changed quite a bit but I honestly think that they would have been MUCH happier if they went their seperate ways.

 

So as much as my situation is very different than yours the feelings are perhaps the same, I think a lot of kids feel that especially from their relationship with their fathers.

[whichwayisup]

She has a very ill son, and right now the timing sucks for her to up and kick her husband out. The child doesn't need any extra stress, in and out of hospitals etc...Last thing he needs to be told is daddy is moving out.

[Tomcat33]

She has a very ill son, and right now the timing sucks for her to up and kick her husband out. The child doesn't need any extra stress, in and out of hospitals etc...Last thing he needs to be told is daddy is moving out.

 

I know ODD's story very well. Correction - her son is in and out of hospital so he would know that he is moved out, but if the father continues to be a good dad to him ultimately that boy will be much happier knowing that mom is happy than as upset as she is now, and don't think for a second those kids don't realise what is going on...

 

Forgive me but according to everything I have read by ODD, the timing will ALWAYS suck to kick her husband out, she simply does not want to, she is just not convinced as of yet that she wants him out.

 

And ODD I mean no disrespect to you, I just read your posts and I feel for you. You are so deep in the abyss of what your H has created for you that it's hard for you to see just how destructive it is for you to stay.

The best gift you can give to your children and especially your child in the hospital is to let them see you happy, let them see you strong and happy. And making a move would bring temporary discomfort (to yourself) but ultimately affect you in a very positive way in the long run. Your children would want nothing more than to see you looking pretty as you are and with a smile across your face. No child wants to see their mother obsessing over their father. It's not healthy and this obession is not something you can probably see it's a viscious circle that his actions created for you that you have made your way of life and it creats a comfort for you but no matter how hard you try, just like in the case of your father you cannot fix their sickness.

[NearlyThere]

Maybe thats why they are the OW?....just a classless part time piece on the side for his convenience. It swings the other way for OM too.

 

Well if you feel like that about the OW/OM why do you continue to post on this particular forum, with your holier than thou attitude?

[Tomcat33]

Well if you feel like that about the OW/OM why do you continue to post on this particular forum, with your holier than thou attitude?

 

Seriously!!! I second that sentiment and in addition would like to extend that to all those posters who come into the OW/OM forum simply to bash. The whole point of this forum is to to gain some support be it an OW BS CS you name it....not to beat a dead horse.

 

Gees like grade 2 name calling is going to change anything!?!?

[Trialbyfire]

Seriously!!! I second that sentiment and in addition would like to extend that to all those posters who come into the OW/OM forum simply to bash. The whole point of this forum is to to gain some support be it an OW BS CS you name it....not to beat a dead horse.

 

Gees like grade 2 name calling is going to change anything!?!?

Support comes in many forms. You may not like the responses but an affair situation is not a functional relationship, no matter how pretty and pink you want to paint it.

 

The healthiest way out of an affair triangle is to choose not to participate in one in the first place or continue in one, if one is too weak to resist the initial temptation.

[whichwayisup]

The best gift you can give to your children and especially your child in the hospital is to let them see you happy, let them see you strong and happy. And making a move would bring temporary discomfort (to yourself) but ultimately affect you in a very positive way in the long run. Your children would want nothing more than to see you looking pretty as you are and with a smile across your face. No child wants to see their mother obsessing over their father. It's not healthy and this obession is not something you can probably see it's a viscious circle that his actions created for you that you have made your way of life and it creats a comfort for you but no matter how hard you try, just like in the case of your father you cannot fix their sickness.

 

I doubt very much her son is in any shape to worry about if his mom is happy or not due to the circumstances at home. Yes, timing always sucks, but RIGHT NOW is not the time for her to kick her husband out of the house. HER child's needs come first.

 

And, right now it's not fair to put that stress on her son. I don't understand why you can't see that?

[NearlyThere]

Support comes in many forms. You may not like the responses but an affair situation is not a functional relationship, no matter how pretty and pink you want to paint it.

 

The healthiest way out of an affair triangle is to choose not to participate in one in the first place or continue in one, if one is too weak to resist the initial temptation.

 

 

Sorry, but to be honest, I dont think myself or TC for that matter are talking about harsh advice nor do we expect advice advocating the affair which would be wrapping the advice up in pretty pink ribbons, with sweetness and light and tripping of into the sunset holding hands together, (btw TBF, the touch of sarcasm is more pointed at myself not you) we are talking about people who just have nothing relevant to say and are santimonious and pious instead. I have always listened to advice you and a few of the other BS's give, who post on here regularly, because you dont resort to it being a name calling fest, which IMO makes people switch off and not listen.

 

I myself never thought of this forum for people who wish to continue in their relationship with the MP, its always struck me as more of a way to help them get out of it.

 

Hope everyone is having a wonderful Monday evening and thinking thank God thats Monday nearly over and done with. The weekend is one step closer.

[Salicious Crumb]

Well if you feel like that about the OW/OM why do you continue to post on this particular forum, with your holier than thou attitude?

 

Because I feel like it....

 

And if knowing the difference between right and wrong, and knowing enough about myself that I wouldn't want to bring pain to people is "holier than thou"....then so be it.

[Salicious Crumb]

nor do we expect advice advocating the affair.

 

Could have fooled me.