Awful, heavy saddness in my heart won't go away

[Zapbasket]

I'm really having a hard time. Friday the 13th was exactly two months since my boyfriend of 5 years and I had contact (via e-mail; the last time we saw each other was January 4). You can read about my breakup and relationship: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t116203/ and http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t116218/.

 

The initial shock has waned; I no longer feel like I'm reeling and I no longer have to take bathroom breaks at work to cry silently in the stall. Last weekend I even went out alone (something I'm usually very comfortable doing); since the breakup I've been unable to spend time alone without falling into a tearful despair.

 

But during the shock period, it didn't feel permanent; it felt like a quagmire that could potentially be restored and all would be happy again. Now, all is sinking into permanence--what seemed to me like temporary problems resulting from a move after 3 years of LD, finding and starting new jobs, moving in together, all at once, now become a statement of the true status of the relationship. During the breakup, which 'lasted' from 12/5 to 2/13 when he wrote me a very firm e-mail basically telling me to get lost, I felt he was acting out of frustration, and not really considering the permanence of what he was doing...and so I felt it just couldn't last, no way.

 

But two months of silence have gone by, and once a week I arrive at a place where I feel I MUST contact him; surely there is something I can say, surely he'll change his mind; we're meant to be together, etc. But then I feel like I cannot reach into the terrible distance his e-mail put between us.

 

I don't know what I'm saying really. Just that I feel my life is forever marked by this event, that I found my One and lost him, and that both of us will carry this with us always and it doesn't have to be like this...but I can't be the one to make him see that. I feel something bad creeping into my life that I can do nothing to prevent.

 

Is there really nothing I can do to solicit a second chance from him for the two of us?

[norajane]

Is there really nothing I can do to solicit a second chance from him for the two of us?

 

No, there isn't. And you know that. You just don't want it to be true.

 

My first serious relationship was with a guy I met while I was in college. We were together 6 years, got engaged, moved in together. And then I started falling out of love with him. When I decided to move out, there was nothing he could do to get me to give him a second chance. It was over in my mind.

 

Because we'd been together so long, and because we really did love each other, I was sad at the ending. There were even times I'd wake up in the middle of the night at my new apartment thinking I heard his feet on the stairs...just like when we lived together and he came home from his night job at the lab. And that made me sad, too.

 

BUT, when he would call me or show up at my door with flowers or want to see me, I cringed and it would make my skin crawl. It was over and I didn't want to be with him and the only way was to completely stop all communication. There was nothing he could do. I was done.

 

Your ex sounds like he's in the same place. And if you try to contact him, you're just going to irritate and annoy him and make his skin crawl.

 

Let it go, for your own peace of mind, just let it go.

[Zapbasket]

Norajane, thanks. I'm trying. It's just that I don't feel that the reason he broke up with me was because he fell out of love with me. It was intense, mutual frustration that built to the point where he just didn't know how to deal with it anymore. The specific reasons that lie within that, I don't know. Not that I should let it matter to me either way, but...it does.

 

What makes it so hard is that all my friends tell me to pack up everything he gave me in a box, along with all photos, etc. and put it away and focus on forgetting him. And yet I find that not only impossible but undesirable as he was such a positive presence in my life; he was overall an outstanding person and I looked up to him. And he felt the same way about me; he always said so and acted like it. We were great teachers to each other, and I don't want to lose that dynamic, even if I carry it all out now in my imagination, aided by memories. In that mindspace, though, he's with me all the time, and then in 'real' life he's not with me, and that dichotomy hurts.

 

It hurts to let go, it hurts to hold on, it hurts to try to focus the pain out, it hurts to give in to the pain. My life is moving forward, yes, but I feel like it's going to take several YEARS before I feel like myself again, and like I may never meet someone so exceptional again. I mean, he really is exceptional; everyone thought so--and exceptional people whom you also are in love with IN THAT WAY are few and far between.

 

I feel like I lost something so good I may never find something to equal it.

[norajane]

It's just that I don't feel that the reason he broke up with me was because he fell out of love with me. It was intense, mutual frustration that built to the point where he just didn't know how to deal with it anymore.

 

That's exactly why I fell out of love with my ex. I couldn't take the frustration anymore and it made me see him in a completely different light and I couldn't take it anymore no matter how hard he tried.

 

I feel like it's going to take several YEARS before I feel like myself again, and like I may never meet someone so exceptional again.

 

Yes, it will take you a long time. No way around that. But it will take you even longer if you don't admit to yourself and accept that it's over.

 

I feel like I lost something so good I may never find something to equal it.

 

You are wrong about that. There are many wonderful people out there. They won't be the same as this guy, but they will be wonderful in different ways - there are many different kinds of love - and obviously, in better ways that are a better match for you.

[searchingforanswers]

 

I don't know what I'm saying really. Just that I feel my life is forever marked by this event, that I found my One and lost him, and that both of us will carry this with us always and it doesn't have to be like this...but I can't be the one to make him see that. I feel something bad creeping into my life that I can do nothing to prevent.

 

Is there really nothing I can do to solicit a second chance from him for the two of us?

 

Green, sorry about your loss and the way you are feeling. I can identify completely. I am moving forward, but I still feel like I lost someone and something so incredibly special that it could never be matched or equaled again. Unfortunately it seems there is nothing you can do. I have to agree with Nora, it will not be the same but when you do love again it will be special and it will be wonderful. It has to be. People love and grow together, so you're an even better catch now than you were before entering the relationship.

 

I used to think there was such a thing as the perfect one, but the truth is we are capable of loving many people in our lives. All you need to do is look at the tabloid covers and see the everlong list of couples breaking up and finding new loves. Not what we want to model our lives on, but it shows that it does happen.

 

I completely understand how difficult it is to let go of the hurt. There is something comforting in it because it keeps the relationship "alive," unfortunately it shouldn't be. Holding on to the hurt allows you to keep focused on what once was beautiful. Unfortunately, it's not beautiful anymore because someone decided they weren't as committed.

 

When my ex left me I was completely blindsided. I couldn't believe she was really walking away from what we had been building. It seemed so wrong. After dumping me on Christmas Eve and seeing me once a week and half later she went into NC. I didn't understand this. It wasn't an announced thing. She just distanced herself. Left the cell phone plan we shared during the week we were apart and she got a new phone. I tried to give her distance while keeping communication open so I eventually started to write letters. Nothing I said could make her see how things were "still so right for us." And I could never understand why my seemingly kind gestures angered and frustrated my ex creating more distance. Sadly, when someone walks away there is probably nothing you can do to make him see things the way you do.

 

It really feels awful to have a wonderful relationship end, but you will heal, it just takes time. And like Nora said, the quicker you accept it has ended the quicker you can begin to move forward.

[smile95]

Your post made me cry bcz I know how you feel. I have felt that with my ex and it hurts. I did NC with him and every so often he calls and I get my hopes up and let down again. Please learn from me and make a clean break. Time does help and it helps to do NC. I did not and here I am 2.5 yrs later, still hearing from him and still being strung along.

 

I have the fear of never meeting anyone I connect with so much. A big fear. But we have to beleive it is possible.

 

hang in there....time helps. I promise.

[AriaIncognito]

Your post made me cry bcz I know how you feel. I have felt that with my ex and it hurts. I did NC with him and every so often he calls and I get my hopes up and let down again. Please learn from me and make a clean break. Time does help and it helps to do NC. I did not and here I am 2.5 yrs later, still hearing from him and still being strung along.

 

I have the fear of never meeting anyone I connect with so much. A big fear. But we have to beleive it is possible.

 

hang in there....time helps. I promise.

 

I have that same exact fear, smile95. I felt really connected to my last bf, and now, well I'm wondering if that will happen again.

 

But, I guess if it happened once, it can happen again, if we are willing to let it. So, we all need to learn from each other here...go NC with our exes in order to heal, and find that person who will be there for us in the same ways we are for them. Then someday we'll all be posting on here about things like marriage and kids and dealing with teenage angst :-)

 

Good luck to us all. Keep writing, and we'll all keep reading.

[polywog]

Greencove, everyone has already said anything I would want to say. I just wanted to chime in with my support, sympathy, and best wishes for your healing. I'm finally having some good days after my break up in January. I cherish them because I am finally feeling myself heal a bit. It's up and down, and there's a deep animal part of me that just won't let go yet, but I just let it be and accept it as a natural part of the end of what I thought was forever. I'm also starting to come out of the fog and realize how many ways the relationship wasn't that great for me. It's incredibly hard and painful, I know, but you'll make it. Just be kind to yourself while you heal from this big wound.

[pelagicsands]

It's up and down,

That's so true. And it oscillates between the two, faster and faster, building to this incredible release - and you finally feel relief. Time and patience is the key.

It's incredibly hard and painful,

I think the pain comes from trying to resist the flow of emotions. Just try to relax, and focus on the sensations being put behind you. In a way, simply let it happen to you. Don't fight it. Let them sneak up on you, and embrace their cathartic thrust. Eventually, you will find that it gets a little easier.

[dr strangelove]

I was going to say something...

But,

 

oh well

 

nevermind......