morephine Posted April 14, 2007 Posted April 14, 2007 Hi everyone, I posted a thread a few months ago and just wanted to give everyone an update. Here is the original thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t106081 Basically, I am walking away from my marriage after this weekend. My wife was originally caught having an EA around 2 years ago now. When she got caught, I gave her a choice either him or me. She chose me and we went on but kind of fell back apart after a few months. Then this thing started a few months before she said she wanted things to be over. Well, this past week I found out who the "friend" was and it was the same person she had an EA with. She was out of town all week and couldn't call so I took it upon myself to call her on her bluff. All the evidence was already there and has started coming up lately but every time I've confronted her about it, she would say it was someone else. Well I called him and verified that it was in fact, the person in question before I went the hell off on him. Needless to say, he didn't have too many words to come up with except admitting to talking to her the whole time and that he didn't have a problem that she was married and had a family. I tracked her down and confronted her about it today and she still won't admit it. She basically neither confirmed nor denied it but she did say that it wasn't any of my business and that it was basically my fault for checking up that I found out again. Well I'm going over there tomorrow to see the kids and spend time with them. After this weekend, all gloves are off and I'm bringing the war to her. I just feel so betrayed and downright stupid for actually believing what she's told me for 2 years now. I've lost all respect and feeling for her whatsoever and have no desire nor want to ever speak to her again unless it has to do with the kids. I think trust may be a bit of an issue in future relationships unless I start looking at therapy lol. I'm basically at peace with myself though because I tried so hard to save this marriage in the last year and especially in the past six months so my conscience is finally cleared on that. This helped with any feelings of attachment I still had toward her as well. One thing that has amazed me is just how strong I actually was. I was able to carry through this (barely at times) but now am gaining myself back more and more with each day. My confidence in myself is higher than it has been in years and I'm still able to maintain a 4.0 throughout this whole thing in school. Anyways, just wanted to give an update but also maybe some advice on where I should go from here. We had agreed before that I could see the kids whenever I wanted but I don't really trust that or anything else that comes out of her mouth right now. One child is biologically mine so I can legally do nothing about the other 3. Should I just go for custody and say screw the agreements? What options do I have as far as things go?
umbo Posted April 14, 2007 Posted April 14, 2007 Way to go dude you did everything you could to save your marriage, and still kept a 4.0 WOW thats great. Of course you sbxw is going to try every underhanded trick in the book. Get your lawyer get your kid get your new life started. Once the war begins she is going to become a beast and try to use the system against you stay vigilant.
Sup Posted April 14, 2007 Posted April 14, 2007 Way to go dude you did everything you could to save your marriage, and still kept a 4.0 WOW thats great. Of course you sbxw is going to try every underhanded trick in the book. Get your lawyer get your kid get your new life started. Once the war begins she is going to become a beast and try to use the system against you stay vigilant. I agree, get Sole custody of your child, and protect yourself! The WAR is ON!
Ladyjane14 Posted April 14, 2007 Posted April 14, 2007 ...this past week I found out who the "friend" was and it was the same person she had an EA with. She was out of town all week and couldn't call so I took it upon myself to call her on her bluff. All the evidence was already there and has started coming up lately but every time I've confronted her about it, she would say it was someone else. Well I called him and verified that it was in fact, the person in question before I went the hell off on him. Needless to say, he didn't have too many words to come up with except admitting to talking to her the whole time and that he didn't have a problem that she was married and had a family.... Well, hopefully he won't have a problem with financially supporting her silly ass either. I reckon she's about to find out the limits of "friendship". Well I'm going over there tomorrow to see the kids and spend time with them. Going over where? At last post, you two were still living together. Has she moved out? Anyways, just wanted to give an update but also maybe some advice on where I should go from here. We had agreed before that I could see the kids whenever I wanted but I don't really trust that or anything else that comes out of her mouth right now. One child is biologically mine so I can legally do nothing about the other 3. Should I just go for custody and say screw the agreements? What options do I have as far as things go? I'm thinking your best bet would be to see an attorney. Go ahead and file for divorce, establish custody arrangements, visitation schedules, and most definitely do separate your financial future from hers. Right now, there's nothing to stop her from incurring debt in BOTH your names. You might also want to swing by the library or bookstore. There are books available which will get you thinking about co-parenting. I saw one the other day... but I can't remember the title. I think it's natural that you should be concerned over your STBX's ability to parent effectively given her recent history of "fogged out" behavior and poor choices. But... your child has three siblings. And those sibling relationships are going to be important to him for the rest of his life. Even if you become his primary caregiver, you're going to want to support him in developing these sibling relationships because that's what's good for him. In order to get that done, it's probably going to mean liberal visitation with his mother. Joint custody might be more advantageous in meeting the child's needs, as long as the mother is not unfit. Think it over. It IS possible to co-parent effectively, without all the rancor and animosity, if BOTH parents will commit to putting the child's needs first. That said, don't settle for less that 50/50. You don't want to miss more time with him than you absolutely have to. And besides, you'll end up paying an exorbitant amount of child support if you're not careful. Your STBX has consistently stated that she has no intentions of working things out with you. I think it's probably time that you take her at her word on that and act accordingly. You need to be thinking about what's best for you and about what's best for your child at this point. She's been determined all this time to explore this extramarital relationship. I don't think she's gonna back down on that. Although... I think it's likely that she'll find out the OM isn't as interested in supporting her and her children as you were. IF, and it's a pretty big "if", your STBX ever changes her stance... it's not going to be until after she's exhausted all her options on the EMR and until reality has forced her to reevaluate her choices. Unfortunately, it's usually too late for a WS to change anything by then. The betrayed spouse has usually moved on and no longer has any interest in reconciliation. Meanwhile back at the ranch.... take good care of yourself. Stress on the mind often results in stress on the body. So, eat right, sleep right, avoid alcohol, get some exercise, and follow up regularly with your doctor so s/he can monitor your ADs.
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