SouthernT Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 Very straight forward question everybody. As you all know, I've been talking to a guy of and on for 5 months. And yes I told him I dont have casual sex...but he hasnt touched me AT ALL.... Not even a kiss. So am I taking it the wrong way? Do men have this thing were they wont even bother kissing a girl if its not going to go all the way? He makes very sexual comments CONSTANTLY but NEVER tries anything. The last time I want out with him two weeks ago, he "jokingly" asked if he could go home with me afterwards? And then when I asked for a kiss a couple of days ago (as everyone read the text message thread) and his response was "Wow U R amazing! Why should I kiss you?" So he constantly makes sexual comments but the second I ask for a simple kiss....he turns the whole thing around? I dont get it.... when I first met him he said "I probably wont even kiss you for at least a month" Huh??? what man says that to a girl? Yes I know there are actually men out there who are particular about who they are intimate with and I can appreciate that in him, but a kiss? So my question is, could this guy have some conflicts with his sexuality? He's talks about sex ALOT but never tries anything....Or is he just not into me?
Author SouthernT Posted April 13, 2007 Author Posted April 13, 2007 we are both 27 years old and he told me about his last relationship and that they hardly did anything at all because her sex drive was low. Is he isecure about size mabye?
Trialbyfire Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 If his previous relationship had issues, he's probably had his self-esteem beaten up by her low sex drive.
dropdeadlegs Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 I don't know what's weirder, the guys like this or the ones that go in for the kiss and heavy petting 10 minutes into the date. So, you don't have casual sex. Does that mean no sex before marriage, or no sex on the first <insert appropriate number here> dates? Maybe he is just confused about the ground rules. It sounds like your dating is pretty casual, maybe he just wants to be friends. Or friends with benefits. Have you asked him about this? I often wonder how anyone is supposed to know any more than you do when we are completely guessing at best. This sounds like something only he can answer.
Art_Critic Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 He sees you as a friend... I dated a girl once that I never kissed or had sex with during the 3 months we dated.. I really liked spending time with her but I didn't see her as someone that I felt for in a romantic way.. We would see each other 2-3 times a week and even hosted a block party at her house.. I think I knew right away that it was going only be friends and I didn't really care or let that stop me from getting to know her and spend time with her. I also didn't stop looking for someone that had that spark..
Author SouthernT Posted April 13, 2007 Author Posted April 13, 2007 So, you don't have casual sex. Does that mean no sex before marriage, or no sex on the first <insert appropriate number here> dates? Maybe he is just confused about the ground rules. I just meant no sex outside of a commited relationship. Thats all.
Author SouthernT Posted April 13, 2007 Author Posted April 13, 2007 He sees you as a friend... I dated a girl once that I never kissed or had sex with during the 3 months we dated.. I really liked spending time with her but I didn't see her as someone that I felt for in a romantic way.. We would see each other 2-3 times a week and even hosted a block party at her house.. I think I knew right away that it was going only be friends and I didn't really care or let that stop me from getting to know her and spend time with her. I also didn't stop looking for someone that had that spark.. But at the same time...did you constantly make sexual comments like you wanted to? In orther words did you ACTIONS match your words? You never kissed her or had sex with her...but did you ever actually try to?
Art_Critic Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 But at the same time...did you constantly make sexual comments like you wanted to? In orther words did you ACTIONS match your words? You never kissed her or had sex with her...but did you ever actually try to? No.. I never made any comments about wanting her.. My actions did match my words.. I also never tried anything with her other than hug her goodnight. If he is making sexual comments about taking you or having sex with you then maybe you should call his bluff and tell him something like " You seem to be all talk.. how about backing up your talk with some hot tongue action ".. See what he does...
DanielMadr Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 Very straight forward question everybody. As you all know, I've been talking to a guy of and on for 5 months. And yes I told him I dont have casual sex...but he hasnt touched me AT ALL.... Not even a kiss. So am I taking it the wrong way? Do men have this thing were they wont even bother kissing a girl if its not going to go all the way? He makes very sexual comments CONSTANTLY but NEVER tries anything. The last time I want out with him two weeks ago, he "jokingly" asked if he could go home with me afterwards? And then when I asked for a kiss a couple of days ago (as everyone read the text message thread) and his response was "Wow U R amazing! Why should I kiss you?" So he constantly makes sexual comments but the second I ask for a simple kiss....he turns the whole thing around? I dont get it.... when I first met him he said "I probably wont even kiss you for at least a month" Huh??? what man says that to a girl? Yes I know there are actually men out there who are particular about who they are intimate with and I can appreciate that in him, but a kiss? So my question is, could this guy have some conflicts with his sexuality? He's talks about sex ALOT but never tries anything....Or is he just not into me? He is still dating you? Then he is interested. He doesnt like your manners and I wouldnt either. 'Take it slow! Now You can kiss me but still no sex! Now you can touch my breasts........' He is not your dog. He waited for you to say its OK to be more intimate but he has his dignity. He wont jump when you say so like horny chump. Besides I have a suspision that when he would have tried to kiss you before, you would be honking here about disrespectful horny males wanting only your body, right? Now you have to make a move. And you have to invite him in and strip yourself if you want to have sex with him. Because he probably sees you like very 'complicated' person and wouldnt dare touch you without your loud and clear consent. His remarks about sex are said b/c he wants to see your reaction...if you changed your policy about it. He is not gay. He is no puppet and your too rational behaviour without passion makes him slowly uninterested.
DanielMadr Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 we are both 27 years old and he told me about his last relationship and that they hardly did anything at all because her sex drive was low. Is he isecure about size mabye? What has his size to do with kissing? No honey, its not his penis size what makes him to back off. Its you.
Author SouthernT Posted April 13, 2007 Author Posted April 13, 2007 He is still dating you? Then he is interested. He doesnt like your manners and I wouldnt either. 'Take it slow! Now You can kiss me but still no sex! Now you can touch my breasts........' He is not your dog. He waited for you to say its OK to be more intimate but he has his dignity. He wont jump when you say so like horny chump. Besides I have a suspision that when he would have tried to kiss you before, you would be honking here about disrespectful horny males wanting only your body, right? Now you have to make a move. And you have to invite him in and strip yourself if you want to have sex with him. Because he probably sees you like very 'complicated' person and wouldnt dare touch you without your loud and clear consent. His remarks about sex are said b/c he wants to see your reaction...if you changed your policy about it. He is not gay. He is no puppet and your too rational behaviour without passion makes him slowly uninterested. You are SO awesome Daniel!! You tell it exactly how it is. You are absolutley correct about everything you said. But here is my defense....Its all about the APPROACH. For example, asking to go home with me after the club at 1:00 in the morning makes me feel like a peice of meat. And I think that ANY girl would agree with that. Because he's not asking to come over during the day or evening hours. (Respectable hours) And he's not taking me out on dates. This is the guy thats doing the "group outings" with me. So at this point, I feel thats its important to establish a certain level of respect. Doesnt that make sense? He would have gotten a little more by now if he would actually put forth the effort to take me out...just the two of us. Then I would have no problem with kissing...and so on....I didnt say I wouldnt have sex with him AT ALL, just not outside of a committed relationship because I wouldnt be able to handle being intimate with him if he were seeing other people. So what do you suggest I do to turn this situation around Daniel?
LoveLace Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 If you want to turn it around, have sex with him. Tell him you want to have sex with him. So he'll have sex with you, and you still will not get the relationship out of it that you are craving. I guarantee it. If he has ever considered a relationship with you, he would be calling you a lot, taking you out on dates, etc, he would NOT be asking you to go home with him at 1am, or making you feel like "a piece of meat". So you can have sex with him, but that will not make him suddenly decide that he wants a relationship with you. Guys do not work that way. So if you choose to have sex with him, you will be giving in to the concept that you don't have casual sex. He might even want to continue a sexual thing with you, but no matter what you do or say or think, again it will not change his mind about wanting a relationship. It's already clear that he doesn't want a relationship, because regardless of what you told him about casual sex, I think he at least would have initiated a kiss, or at least a date, on his own by now. The signals couldn't be clearer, if you ask me, that yes he might interested in you sexually but he isn't putting himself out there because he knows that you would want more out of it than he. However, if you are the one to come forward and say, "let's have sex", he's more likely to give in to that temptation, and deal with your mismatched expectations later. But the only one who really knows what's going on with him, is him. Ask him "why haven't you tried anything, other than asking me to go home that one night?" I'm 30 years old, dear, and I've dated them all, all types of men with all types of intentions and behaviors. And I can tell you right now this guy is not interested in your personality, or even friendship so much. He must think your attractive and it's the only reason he's been in contact with you at all what so ever. It's an exciting challenge for men to get women to sleep with them, especially if it's a woman that gives up her own opinions to do it. He would walk away with nothing but a big head, because you gave it up without him committing to you. Then he'll be off looking for the next challenge. If you can prove any of this wrong, let me know, but it's not likely. Find a guy who really likes you as a person and wants to spend real, quality time getting to know you!!! You are wasting your time with this guy and he's letting you.
tanbark813 Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 He would have gotten a little more by now if he would actually put forth the effort to take me out...just the two of us. And he hasn't because he doesn't want to. He might even want to continue a sexual thing with you, but no matter what you do or say or think, again it will not change his mind about wanting a relationship. It's already clear that he doesn't want a relationship, because regardless of what you told him about casual sex, I think he at least would have initiated a kiss, or at least a date, on his own by now. The signals couldn't be clearer, if you ask me, that yes he might interested in you sexually but he isn't putting himself out there because he knows that you would want more out of it than he. However, if you are the one to come forward and say, "let's have sex", he's more likely to give in to that temptation, and deal with your mismatched expectations later. At least someone gets it. Good post, LL.
nocturnal_kiss Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 Are you sure he's not a virgin? This seems plausible. He doesn't know how to go from platonic to sexual. He does like you, but he is scared to make a move because of his lack of experience. Why don't you watch a movie together on the couch with the lights low and guide him a bit.
LoveLace Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 This seems plausible. He doesn't know how to go from platonic to sexual. He does like you, but he is scared to make a move because of his lack of experience. Why don't you watch a movie together on the couch with the lights low and guide him a bit. He wasn't too scared to ask her for a booty call at 1am, so that tells me he's not this innocent, inexperienced shy boy...if he's scared of anything, it's a relationship!
dropdeadlegs Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 Oh. Group events but no real one on one dates. That does clear some of the fog. I haven't read your other thread(s) that I can remember. I was thinking you had been dating on and off for 5 months, but I wasn't getting the group involvement. Yep, he only wants to have sex with you. No doubt. I have a male friend that speaks in a pretty sexually explicit manner most of the time. He's just looking for some bump and grind. This guy's name isn't Brad is it? Brad probably wouldn't give you the pleasure of kissing him unless he was unzipping your pants while kissing you.
Author SouthernT Posted April 13, 2007 Author Posted April 13, 2007 yes he might interested in you sexually but he isn't putting himself out there because he knows that you would want more out of it than he. However, if you are the one to come forward and say, "let's have sex", he's more likely to give in to that temptation, and deal with your mismatched expectations later. Ok...I can understand and accept this...But I already flat out asked him that question I said to him "You're starting to make me think that the only thing you want is sex" and his response was "no, not at all. I dont do casual sex myself" So.....mabye he just flat out lied?
dropdeadlegs Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 Ok...I can understand and accept this...But I already flat out asked him that question I said to him "You're starting to make me think that the only thing you want is sex" and his response was "no, not at all. I dont do casual sex myself" So.....mabye he just flat out lied? My money is on YES. He lied to appear to share your values, to keep you hooked. He may not want to appear as a risk taker in the sexuality dept. to keep you comfortable that he's not a bad disease just waiting to invade your body. He's a playa.
LoveLace Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 Ok...I can understand and accept this...But I already flat out asked him that question I said to him "You're starting to make me think that the only thing you want is sex" and his response was "no, not at all. I dont do casual sex myself" So.....mabye he just flat out lied? If he doesn't do casual sex why did he flat out ask you to go home with him at 1am? He's full of crap. I"ve known of men who will even go as far as saying they are looking for marriage and kids, just to get a woman to bed with him. He would never admit that "all he wants is sex" because he knows how you feel about that. Even he thought you were open to casual sex, he might not admit it. Yes ddl, Playa Playa it's written all over the posts!
DanielMadr Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 You are SO awesome Daniel!! You tell it exactly how it is. You are absolutley correct about everything you said. But here is my defense....Its all about the APPROACH. For example, asking to go home with me after the club at 1:00 in the morning makes me feel like a peice of meat. And I think that ANY girl would agree with that. Because he's not asking to come over during the day or evening hours. (Respectable hours) And he's not taking me out on dates. This is the guy thats doing the "group outings" with me. So at this point, I feel thats its important to establish a certain level of respect. Doesnt that make sense? He would have gotten a little more by now if he would actually put forth the effort to take me out...just the two of us. Then I would have no problem with kissing...and so on....I didnt say I wouldnt have sex with him AT ALL, just not outside of a committed relationship because I wouldnt be able to handle being intimate with him if he were seeing other people. So what do you suggest I do to turn this situation around Daniel? O.K. Personally I used to offer "my services" (sex) after night out. Not so I was horny but because: 1. I thought it is the norm...you go out and when you go home you have sex. Not to look gay probably 2. I offered sex b/c if I didnt the girl would think I dont want to have sex with her and become insecure....I love to make people feel good. 3. I suggested to have sex, b/c the girl was obviously horny and I know how it can be frustrating. She loved my touches and kisses....why not to continue? 4. I thought I have to take responsibility on myself. *I feel uneasy to have sex with girls I dont know and I have pretty thick skin (I live in a city with pretty much high crime rate and Im in not horny protector mode when dating as opposed to horny deaf and blind heath-cock). So when I offered sex I wasnt even honest.....I wasnt that horny.* Lately I realized its OK to be indiferent and even not talk about sex. Girls thought I was horny and needy and it just triggered all the bad emotions. Now I know its even better to shut up and be cool. Its even better not to be a gentleman and walk her home, b/c when you are a few meters from her house, she starts to be defensive, b/c she thinks I think we will have sex. But he probably knows nothing of this. There are 3 scenarios: 1. He is not that into you and is only playing you to get a notch or sharp his game aka Evil Man 2. He is playing you to get you, b/c he is into you aka Good Man 3. He is just as confused as you are aka Confused Man If he is OK to be with you infront of his friends....Good sign. Evil Player dont want to be seen besides someone he and probably others dont find attractive....bad image issue, I think. Alcohol can be pretty misleading. Have you seen each other in sober state? Maybe he is playing it safe. Thinking when you are not ready to have sex with him, you dont want to date him either. You ask him out and see. You know there is a problem with sex in commited relationship. How can you be commited before you become intimate with someone. Its a bit problem. And it is more of a problem for men. We love to touch you, stroke your hair, have sex...being intimate. When you withold this card.....its tough. I mean you want to hear "Honey I love you, I will never leave you for someone else and I will never die". Yeah sure its nice to hear...much safer then. But it is BS and he knows it and when you hear it you wont believe it either. Just a thought.
LoveLace Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 It is a good sign for a guy to bring her around his buds...however it could also just be a show-off thing, to show that he can get the hot chick, or to prove that he's not gay, if he is in fact gay and is trying to hide it. But I mostly think it's mostly just to stroke his ego. Cuz if he was really, really into her, he'd initiate alone-time dates with her. You can't really get to know someone in all group situations.
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