Max12761 Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 Hoping somebody can help!! I have been in a loveless marriage for several years. We stay together in name only, because of the kids. She does her thing and I do mine - though we have not openly sought other relationships. I recently met a woman who seems to like me and I like her too. We have had casual conversations, through which I have learned she is divorced with a child. I have told her about my 4 kids and have not yet tried to describe the dead relationship I have and complexities of this arrangement. I am wondering how best to present this to her. It's one thing to say you are divorced. People can deal with this. It's another to say you are legally married, but wish to form a relationship anyway. My hope is to form a strong bond with her that may develop into a loving, LTR. I plan to divorce after my youngest child is in HS. This is several years away. I have lived too long without love and I am eager to gain this again in my life. Any thoughts in how best to communicate this to my new friend?
whichwayisup Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 It is unfair to your wife and your children to go seek out another woman while you're still married. If you want that type of happiness, end your marriage, work out custody with your wife and THEN pursue this other woman...Don't do it while you're still married.
chaos40 Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 I'm thinking your conversation may go something like Max12761 to new wowan "I like you alot and would like to ultimately persue a LTR with you?" new woman. "Great I like you too let's start spending some time together perhaps you could spend the weekend at my place" max12761 "can't" new woman "why" Max12761 "I'm currently married" New woman "ok, when's the divorce? Are you on speaking terms? Do you live together?" max12761 "Not for several years.. we kinda do our own thing and yes we live together" Somehow I don't think she'll be impressed with your situation. You may want to get a handle on what you want to do with your own life before you start involving others
Moose Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 That tells me alot. That tells me that you and your wife at one time were a happy couple. Or at the very least, horny....lol.... You two have a history, have grown together, have a lot of memories, and hardships. So.....you've fell into a rut with your marriage. This happens to the best of us. It used to be when a man makes a promise, a vow or even shake hands, that's all that was needed to be done, and he would fight hell and high water because his word and honor is what made him a man. I'm not saying to stay in a loveless marriage. I'm saying, retain your honor, be a man, and fix your marriage. That's what men do. They fix things. Things that go. Your marriage is broken, find the right tools, and find that fire again.......it's your job.
melodymatters Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 You stated : "My hope is to form a strong bond with her that may develop into a loving, LTR. I plan to divorce after my youngest child is in HS. This is several years away." This is SO,SO,SO unfair to this nice new woman ! You think she's great and you are lonely, so you think she should settle for christmas's alone, not going out where you could be seen, she can't introduce you to her family, and on and on. All moral issues aside, I would never do that to another person and would be furious if somone expected ME to settle for so little.
Author Max12761 Posted April 14, 2007 Author Posted April 14, 2007 OK, thanks for all the honest advice. However, before you are all so quick to judge, I think you need to know A few additional things. First, my wife does not want to "love me" - and has no interest in rekindling any part of what we had. I do not want to leave my kids - I believe that living under the same roof is less damaging than a painful divorce/separation. She has done everything short of telling me to find someone else. I don't want to leave my house and kids. With that said, I also do not want to hurt anyone, but I do miss loving and being loved. I would NEVER want to hurt anyone, which is why I was seeking advice on how to tell this new woman about my current situation. I would not want to advance our relationship/friendship unless she first understood that my kids would come first, and that at this time, I could offer certain things - but not everything that a usual relationship offers. Yes, I would not likely spend holidays with her - yes I would still split my time between her and my kids. But I can offer affection and love. I can offer more than she has now - a true friend, and if she wants it, I can offer more. The simple fact is I am married - and don't want to leave my life with my kids. At the same time, I do not want to wait years to experience love again. If I am honest with her and she accepts these terms, than couldn't there possibly be a middle ground where both of our lifes could be better? Am I wrong?? Isn't this possible???
kribby Posted April 14, 2007 Posted April 14, 2007 OK, thanks for all the honest advice. However, before you are all so quick to judge, I think you need to know A few additional things. First, my wife does not want to "love me" - and has no interest in rekindling any part of what we had. I do not want to leave my kids - I believe that living under the same roof is less damaging than a painful divorce/separation. She has done everything short of telling me to find someone else. I don't want to leave my house and kids. With that said, I also do not want to hurt anyone, but I do miss loving and being loved. I would NEVER want to hurt anyone, which is why I was seeking advice on how to tell this new woman about my current situation. I would not want to advance our relationship/friendship unless she first understood that my kids would come first, and that at this time, I could offer certain things - but not everything that a usual relationship offers. Yes, I would not likely spend holidays with her - yes I would still split my time between her and my kids. But I can offer affection and love. I can offer more than she has now - a true friend, and if she wants it, I can offer more. The simple fact is I am married - and don't want to leave my life with my kids. At the same time, I do not want to wait years to experience love again. If I am honest with her and she accepts these terms, than couldn't there possibly be a middle ground where both of our lifes could be better? Am I wrong?? Isn't this possible??? Yes you are. What middle ground? Women are demanding-- well a woman with self respect, is. A woman with self respect would demand an equal partnership with an equal person who is free to love and cherish her. I wouldn't accept half of a man. Maybe it is possible for her to accept you as is. Maybe she likes leavings from another womans' table. < shrug > Why don't you ask her and see? I, on the other hand, would tell you to P*** off in no uncertain terms. To each his/her own.
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