luvstarved Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 Below is an email my H sent me this morning. Context is (as most of you know) I am struggling with his lack of interest in me sexually in particular and his narcissistic demeanor in general. This morning we tried to have sex but he lost it in the middle of the proceedings (not ED or anything, so please don't go there; he has no problem whatsoever with masturbating. Frequently) The apology is to a coworker that I think he has the hots for. He lost his temper with her yesterday and apparently apologized this morning. Now in the email he seems to want some reassurance. That the botched sex is ok, that his coworker did not give him the response he wanted when he apologized, the fact that I have been self-protectively distant the last couple of days, I don't know, but I have to respond. I want to say that it is sweet of him to say he needs me, but that I frankly am starting to not give a ****. That trying to have sex first thing in the morning when I am barely awake, and watching him mastrubate as the only foreplay has lost its charm and it was just as well that the effort was over sooner rather than later. That I don't in fact need him and am beginning to not even want him. That his attempt to get me to say something to reassure and validate him because his coworker doesn't treat him as he would like is pathetic and transparent. That he can kiss my rosy ass. I have a feeling that doing so would not be conducive to realizing any potential we might still have left as a couple. So I am wondering how can I respond, without being downright untruthful??? I would like my marriage to work, but I am just pretty sick at this point of doing all the work and his whole posture of it being all about him. Any advice??? Begin email quote Hi dahling, Sorry it wasn’t a better morning. I said my apology this morning already so that’s over. Anyway it is especially when things happen how much I realize I need you and love you. When I really stop and think about it you and I are all we have. I have to go into the meeting. LU end email quote
dropdeadlegs Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 Do you have to respond at all? I don't see anything that requires a response (like a question) and sometimes when you don't have anything nice to say it's just better not to say anything at all.
Author luvstarved Posted April 13, 2007 Author Posted April 13, 2007 Do you have to respond at all? I don't see anything that requires a response (like a question) and sometimes when you don't have anything nice to say it's just better not to say anything at all. Well I always respond promptly to his emails, so no response is a response. Maybe that is the right response at this point. But he will call me in a while and ask me why I didn't respond, so I need to have something to say. It is an odd sensation that I care so much and yet really just wish he would go away.
dropdeadlegs Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 Well, I guess if that's the way it's always been done then no response would indeed be a response. Me, I would break that habit. Actually, I wouldn't have started it. In reading what he sent you, I think I would feel that responding would feed into that "narcissistic demeanor in general" that you spoke of. I mean, it looks like he wants a "poor you. You didn't get the response to the apology to the coworker that you were looking for, but your ego needs to be stroked so badly and I'm right here to take care of that for you (stroke, stroke.) All better now?" response. No offense, but that would just make me ill to participate in. When I say "I love you" it is nice to hear it back, but it's not necessary every time. It's so much better when affectionate words can be just that. But I wasn't always as secure, so I can see how your H might interpret no response differently than I would today. I just have such a hard time doing what is expected of me if I'm cringing when I do it. That's just me, you can pay me no mind if you like.
IpAncA Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 Sounds like a time for the both of you to sit down and talk about some things.
umbo Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 dear Luvstarved As I continue to follow your story you seem bitter and like you still care.
whichwayisup Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 Reply with, "I don't know how to respond to your email. I do love you but I don't know what else to say right now." Then he gets home, you two sit and talk face to face.
loveisfree Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 I read your other post about this woman from work and how when she is upset with him or they have something going on he takes it out on you. That's crap. Of course you are bitter! You have every right to be. He doesn't listen to you when you talk, you are not sexually satisfied by him, you are not gettng what you give back to you in this relationship. And of course you care about him - you married him, there are real feelings there. You are trying to make him see, but he is blind and that is just not fair. So how do you respond? Gee thats a tough question. I would say I am sick and tired of how your relationship with this other woman at work effects how you are with me! And ask him is there something going on between you? Because if there isn't then why the hell does she matter so much to him? Also I would say that he just isn't giving you anything to hang on to anymore and if he is not working on the relationship with you, than he is working against you and you are not going to take it anymore. Just stand up for yourself. Tell him what you want and expect and if he can't give it to you then maybe you should take some time apart. I know that is easier said than done, but you need to be fair to yourself and get what you deserve.
JustBreathe Posted April 14, 2007 Posted April 14, 2007 You know, you do sound like you've had enough. I know exactly how that feels. That apathetic I just don't give a darn feeling anymore. It is not that you're bitter, or even hate him for being who he is - after all, that is just who he is - you are just simply done, sucked dry, and hate that you feel that way. You feel like nothing is ever going to change. Like he doesn't have it in him. I have a sort of backup plan. I do know that if I make that move, I have it set up that I will have enough money to tide me over and where I would live and how I would go about doing it all. I can get credit. I honestly know I"d be okay. I know I have 1-2 years before our real estate investments mature and we can sell off those crummy rentals and split whatever proceeds. I know how much he has in his retirement account and how many credit cards he has in his name and what the balances are. I have copies of important documents in a file drawer at my desk at work. Maybe you could do the same? When I get at my lowest, it is that "plan" I think of, and it helps me get through. I don't feel so doomed. I know I have an option. Sounds ill I know, but somehow it helps me.
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