Why is insecurity a turn off?

[deaconblues]

deaconblues : correct me if I am wrong but didn't you recently post that you were undateable and suffered from BDD ? If I am wrong my apologies but if you were recently undateable but yet have an girlfriend ( LDR ) thats a bit confusing ?

 

I met her through a support group a week or so ago...it's perhaps the only way I will find somebody. She lives out of area. Luckily she has the compassion to look past all of my terrible flaws and deficencies. But I am constantly worried that I will lose her...because at any moment she could see the real me...somtimes when we go for a long period without speaking, I feel like maybe she decided I really wasn't worth it...and who can blame her? I know she goes through similar feelings, so I try to be there whenever I can...

 

And yes, people, I guess I am needy...so add another tally to the piece of crap, totally unattractive column on the scorecard in my life. I am needy because I know that I cannot continue to live this way, and I can't seem to get out of it...every time I see myself, I see God's biggest mistake...and I have been in counseling for a decade. The great thing is that reassurance does help sometimes...I can at least occasionally believe that there is some worth to me, and that I should continue. Counseling seems to help for about an hour after each session, but in the long run - hardly any progess. And at this rate, I will end up dying alone and terribly depressed many many years from now, and that is just too hard to deal with...I would try and make friends, but I know that it will just end in total failure...

 

[ImWithHim]

 

 

Because insecure people are emotional leeches

 

That's a really awful thing to say......

[kribby]

That's a really awful thing to say......

 

Please. It is a completely honest answer-- and the complete truth.

[EC]

Not everybody is so strong after going through major abuse, either emotional or physical. IT takes a long time to work through the pain and how to really open up and trust someone again. This isn't about CHOOSING.

 

That's like saying a woman who is raped just get over it and choose NOT to let ANY fears or trust issues get in the way of future relationships with men. Come on...People, just like their situations are all different and everybody handles things their own way.

 

THANK YOU!

[DanielMadr]

THANK YOU!

 

Look girls, nobodys judging anybody. You know the facts...its unattractive and it is a problem. Some people just dwelve in swamps of self pitty and its a pitty. Thats all.

 

Of course its not somebodys fault one is insecure...parents, dramas, "friends", vis major.... People are not born insecure, at least not to some extends.

But we live to deal with it. And the good-will to realize its a problem and start to solve it is the best one can do. Insecure parents (passive or aggresive) nurture insecure children and so on and so on. And believe me when someone is lucky enough to survive some major drama, abuse etc. it is sign she is strong as hell. What doesnt kill you makes you stronger is absolutely true expression.

Someone who never lived through some tough shyt will never know.

[EC]

Look girls, nobodys judging anybody. You know the facts...its unattractive and it is a problem. Some people just dwelve in swamps of self pitty and its a pitty. Thats all.

 

Of course its not somebodys fault one is insecure...parents, dramas, "friends", vis major.... People are not born insecure, at least not to some extends.

But we live to deal with it. And the good-will to realize its a problem and start to solve it is the best one can do. Insecure parents (passive or aggresive) nurture insecure children and so on and so on. And believe me when someone is lucky enough to survive some major drama, abuse etc. it is sign she is strong as hell. What doesnt kill you makes you stronger is absolutely true expression.

Someone who never lived through some tough shyt will never know.

 

 

Then say that. But to say that having insecurities is selfish and rude..I took that offensively.

 

I guess you would have to clarify what insecurities your talking about.

 

Because I agree that some 'maybe' selfish and some people may hold on to them on purpose because they like the attention or w/e.

 

But I have been through a couple of situations in life that I do not wish upon anyone and Im not talking about just being cheated on and relationship drama. I have been through things that have really affected me and for someone to flat out say its my fault and say I choose to feel this way and that it is selfish and rude really stings.

[DanielMadr]

Then say that. But to say that having insecurities is selfish and rude..I took that offensively.

 

I guess you would have to clarify what insecurities your talking about.

 

Because I agree that some 'maybe' selfish and some people may hold on to them on purpose because they like the attention or w/e.

 

But I have been through a couple of situations in life that I do not wish upon anyone and Im not talking about just being cheated on and relationship drama. I have been through things that have really affected me and for someone to flat out say its my fault and say I choose to feel this way and that it is selfish and rude really stings.

 

Making your problem somebody elses problem is selfish and rude. How much? It depends on ones attitude. I dont say its totally disgusting, especially if it has some objective harsh causes. But its a problem. I wasnt starting this thread to judge. I started it to let people know that they should fight their insecurities sonner than they eat them alive.

 

I had a friend. He lost his arm. He tried hard to be independent but of course he often asked for help. But it was a pleasure to help him. He was positive often joking how he cant even hold a girl and beer in one time. He fought hard.

 

Other friend had a hand partialy disabled. He couldnt get over it. He was a victim who couldnt get over it, he even refused to do things that he was obviously able to do. It was a hell to be in his presence. And he knew it and become even more bitter. His wife left him. And I know it wasnt b/c he couldnt slap her azz with right hand. But b/c he thought it was a problem.

[Trialbyfire]

Making your problem somebody elses problem is selfish and rude. How much? It depends on ones attitude. I dont say its totally disgusting, especially if it has some objective harsh causes. But its a problem. I wasnt starting this thread to judge. I started it to let people know that they should fight their insecurities sonner than they eat them alive.

 

I had a friend. He lost his arm. He tried hard to be independent but of course he often asked for help. But it was a pleasure to help him. He was positive often joking how he cant even hold a girl and beer in one time. He fought hard.

If I apply your logic to the above friend, where's his prosthetic so he can be completely self-sufficient, thereby not selfish or rude? He still relying on his friends and family to help him with his inabilities, thus his insecurities.

 

Learn some compassion Daniel. Your definition of selfish and rude comes across as smug. You maybe in a good place right now but I can guarantee you've had your moments in the past and will have moments in the future. People are here on LS for a reason. They are looking for help. To be told that it's rude and selfish to want this help during a time of need in their lives is tantamount to a slap in the face.

 

Yes, I also believe that you need to help yourself but coping mechanisms don't grow on trees. You have to work your way through to find the right ones to suit you, as a person. If people give helping hands with respect during this process, even better.

 

Sometimes tough love is necessary for people in a vicious cycle. A generalized kick while people are down, is not necessary.

[DanielMadr]

If I apply your logic to the above friend, where's his prosthetic so he can be completely self-sufficient, thereby not selfish or rude? He still relying on his friends and family to help him with his inabilities, thus his insecurities.

 

Learn some compassion Daniel. Your definition of selfish and rude comes across as smug. You maybe in a good place right now but I can guarantee you've had your moments in the past and will have moments in the future. People are here on LS for a reason. They are looking for help. To be told that it's rude and selfish to want this help during a time of need in their lives is tantamount to a slap in the face.

 

Yes, I also believe that you need to help yourself but coping mechanisms don't grow on trees. You have to work your way through to find the right ones to suit you, as a person. If people give helping hands with respect during this process, even better.

 

Sometimes tough love is necessary for people in a vicious cycle. A generalized kick while people are down, is not necessary.

 

Not a prosthetic helped him. His attitude did He had reasons why to be insecure but he didnt want to make the whole situation even worse by being insecure. Harsh but true.

 

I dont think being all hush hush is helping someone, especially not here when its not personal. It only creates atmosphere like there is really something wrong with the person.

 

Ill keep my compassion for the dead. Living people should have a slap time to time. Its the same with phobia..... you are insecure because you are insecure and so on and so on. The first impuls is gone but you are still walking in circles. Circles of self doubt and self pitty. Slap.

 

First step is to realize you have a problem. If you think its OK to be insecure, then you are in trouble. Thats why the slap.

 

Second step is to forgive. Dont be so hard (so self-aware) on yourself. Its no big deal afterall...happens to anybody.

 

Third step is F--kItAll. Once you know what the problem is dont meddle with it....just dont care and live on.

[Trialbyfire]

Not a prosthetic helped him. His attitude did He had reasons why to be insecure but he didnt want to make the whole situation even worse by being insecure. Harsh but true.

 

I dont think being all hush hush is helping someone, especially not here when its not personal. It only creates atmosphere like there is really something wrong with the person.

 

Ill keep my compassion for the dead. Living people should have a slap time to time. Its the same with phobia..... you are insecure because you are insecure and so on and so on. The first impuls is gone but you are still walking in circles. Circles of self doubt and self pitty. Slap.

 

First step is to realize you have a problem. If you think its OK to be insecure, then you are in trouble. Thats why the slap.

 

Second step is to forgive. Dont be so hard (so self-aware) on yourself. Its no big deal afterall...happens to anybody.

 

Third step is F--kItAll. Once you know what the problem is dont meddle with it....just dont care and live on.

So...how much time are people allowed between slaps and kicks? Or should they immediately slap themselves stupid?

[DanielMadr]

So...how much time are people allowed between slaps and kicks? Or should they immediately slap themselves stupid?

 

What do you think?

[Trialbyfire]

What do you think?

Nope, that tactic won't work with me Daniel. You tell me how long they have before they are considered selfish and rude.

[DanielMadr]

Nope, that tactic won't work with me Daniel. You tell me how long they have before they are considered selfish and rude.

 

Tactic? I was hoping for some opinions. Its easy to say shut up, let them alone.

 

How long? How I wrote. It depends on nature and greatness of the damage done to ones insecurity. How long does it last. If they try to cope or dont. If they are aggresive, passive or passive-aggresive. If they try to blame other people objectively innocent. etc. etc. the slap has to come from inside btw. You admit you have problem or you dont.

This thread was started with concern of so called Nice Guys and Spoiled Princesses who are making mess in their relationships and blaming others, b/c 'they are so nice and insecure'. But it can go further. Insecurity is burden.

[Trialbyfire]

Tactic? I was hoping for some opinions. Its easy to say shut up, let them alone.

 

How long? How I wrote. It depends on nature and greatness of the damage done to ones insecurity. How long does it last. If they try to cope or dont. If they are aggresive, passive or passive-aggresive. If they try to blame other people objectively innocent. etc. etc. the slap has to come from inside btw. You admit you have problem or you dont.

This thread was started with concern of so called Nice Guys and Spoiled Princesses who are making mess in their relationships and blaming others, b/c 'they are so nice and insecure'. But it can go further. Insecurity is burden.

 

Okay. For example. A woman is raped by an unknown assailant while sleeping in her own bed one night. This woman can no longer sleep by herself and also has trust issues with men in general.

 

How long is she allowed to be insecure about these issues?

[deaconblues]

If someone were so secure that they didn't need to rely on others for help, advice, companionship, ect. then why form relationships at all? Why have friends? Isn't friendship and companionship partly a response to facing the insecurity of lonliness? If you don't have any needs from other people, why not just live on your own, be happy yourself and live out your life without ever having contact with anyone...after all, you don't need them. Unless you are just trying to get into a relationship just for sex, that is...

 

If turning to someone for help is such a burden, and having to rely on others is such a huge shame, why bother?

 

I look for something much more meaningful...I have some strengths, the other person may have some strengths...symbiotically thos strengths enmesh to foster growth...but you can't expect somebody to be free of insecurities...some therapists beleive that people should wear their insecurities on their sleeve and that positive reenforcement will wear them away, and maybe that is something people should do...get it out in the open so that it can be interpreted by the outside observer and feedback can wear down those insecurities...

 

different things work for different people, too. some people are able to push past their insecurities. others can't. maybe that it is indicative of strenth of spirit and mindset, but it is certainly not indicative of strength of character. And isn't that what we are all after? Not someone who is beautiful or smart or talented or rich, but someone with strong character?

[amaysngrace]

some people are able to push past their insecurities. others can't. maybe that it is indicative of strenth of spirit and mindset, but it is certainly not indicative of strength of character.

 

 

I completely disagree with this. I think it's a cop out. An excuse. I think it comes from someone who has never tested their limits. And is in for a huge surprise if they ever take that jump.

 

I believe in you deaconblue. I believe you have it in you to reach any star you aim for. I believe you were created with the same equality as anyone. The same capacity as anyone. I believe you have the same heart as anyone. The same mind as anyone. The same soul as anyone.

 

You were created just like the rest of us. No more. No less.

[Shadowdog36]

Sorry, amaysn, I have to totally disagree with you. I've read this thread through and I've got to put my 2 cents in.

 

Everyone is not equal. Everyone's minds are not the same. I shouldn't even have to state that explicitly, it's such a simple concept. Now, you may backtrack and say that's not what you meant, but any interpretation of that statement doesn't hold water for me.

 

Chronic insecurity is a turnoff because of a number of issues, most of which have been addressed on here already. Even the woman getting raped example, as disgusting as that is to talk about, at some point, you've got to say ENOUGH!! The inability to grow, to learn, to want to change...that's the turnoff. Chronic insecurity pushes people out of your life.

 

On a short term basis, many people find even fleeting insecurity to be a buzzkill to a relationship. I think someone mentioned it on here earlier that, from a male perspective, being the strong provider, the protector, the cavemen guardian, from a hardwired, biological perspective, women are naturally drawn to that. Insecurity, even fleeting, at the beginning of a relationship, or even in making that initial contact with a woman, does not instill that baser passion, that need that women are instinctually drawn to.

 

As to the notion that there exists a person in this world that does not possess some insecurities in their life, I say BULLSH*T. Everyone is insecure about something, it just depends on how we deal with it. Every single one of us on here are insecure about relationships, which is why we come here, to read advice, to give in out and have someone tell us that we are smart, or insightful, or some other ego stroke. We ask what we should do or how to think because we don't trust our own judgement anymore, at least not 100%, and hence by definition, we're all insecure. I can't believe that a group of intelligent people still can't see, or acknowledge the grey areas around so many issues.

 

It's when we vent those insecurities around those that don't know us intimately, when we show, as our first impression, our weakness, people automatically assume that we're weak. Perfectly natural assumption, and I can't blame anyone for assuming that. It's all I've shown them.

 

Every man, when he approaches a woman for the first time, is insecure. It's the one's that learn to subdue or ignore that feeling that end up getting her number at the end of the night.

 

Further into a relationship, showing a partner your weaker side, your insecurities, may lead to a deeper relationship, and increased compassion for your partner, but that's further down the line.

 

The argument on here come from different people assigning different parameters to their scenerio, strictly for the sake of argument. I'm sorry if I offend anyone, but it's dumb and doesn't lead to any further understanding. It's just argumentative.

 

Daniel, to your original question, why...from the perspective of someone that doesn't know you, insecurity is viewed as weakness of character, because you chose to 'lead with that foot'. If you're not able to supress that insecurity when you should be able to, many will see that as the tip of the iceberg. Who knows what issues you may have, best to walk away.......quietly if possible.......

[Trialbyfire]

And that is what is wrong with society today. People hide and repress their insecurities but eventually they will come out, sometimes in aggressive ways, other times in passive-aggressive way.

 

At this point in my life, I'd rather someone be honest with me upfront than keep up the pretence of being the man that society dictates that he must be. Being honest allows the other person to know what they're dealing with and decide if they're able to handle the problem. Once committed, you support each other to get beyond the issues, instead of being blindsided by them. Pretending you're someone you're not only leads to misunderstandings and the eventual dissolution of the relationship, if the issues are core.

[Shadowdog36]

TBF-

 

Really think you're, not only missing the point, but redefining it to suit your argument.

 

"Blindsided"??? We're talking about insecurity, not schizophrenia.

 

And I'm not talking about how 'society' dictates a man must be. These are quite simple ideas. How are you twisting them up so much???

 

"Pretending you're someone you're not..." again, is not what I'm talking about. I suppose we should approach each other in the following way...

 

"Hi, I noticed you from the other side of the bar and I thought you were cute. Normally I wouldn't do this cause I really have a hard time approaching women. I guess it's cause my parents divorced and I have some abandonment issues that sometime manifest themselves when I'm in stressful situations, like introducing myself to a stranger in a bar. Oh, and if you do decide that you can deal with that, I'm not 100% happy with how my body looks naked, so if we hook up, I'm gonna need to keep the room totally dark. Hope you understand, I don't want to blindside you with this later in the evening. So, can I buy you a drink?"

 

 

 

The question had to do with insecurity, and nothing more. You're redefining the word.

 

insecurity [in-si-kyoo r-i-tee] –noun, plural -ties. 1.lack of confidence or assurance; self-doubt

 

That's it!

 

And, I'll say it again. This has nothing to do with repressing insecurity. What I said was that you should have those discussions with people that you're already close to, not a fragile relationship or a new meeting.

 

Come on TBF! Don't argue for the sake of arguing. Making sweeping statements like "...that is what is wrong with society today" really makes you sound like you're pushing your personal agenda, not addressing what the original post was, and refusing to broaden your view of the issue.

[Trialbyfire]

Then I will ask you the same question I asked Daniel.

 

How long are people allowed to be insecure? During this period of allowance, are people still viewed as selfish and rude? Should they hide their insecurities to the world even when they're not over it?

[Shadowdog36]

People are 'allowed' to be insecure for as long as they want/need to. It's not my place to judge when the time expires. As the person going thru it, you'll know when everyone around you has had enough.

 

They say a true friend will always be there for you, but a true friend also will not make you always be there.

 

If someone can live with being alone, then they can be insecure as long as they want. If they want to actively work on their self confidence, they can do that too. I say actively because these feeling of self doubt don't usually go away on their own. It takes some change, either mentally or physically to begin to come out of that.

 

But wallowing in self doubt and insecurity, then whining why no one wants you, definitely not attractive.

 

Plus, it's different for each situation and each person. My 1 month relationship that I thought was it...2 months later...sure I still think about her, but I'm also confident enough in myself to refuse all the blame anymore, and I can still go out and pick up women, so I'm not totally shattered. On the other hand, my sisters 10 year marriage that ended last year...a bit longer to re-establish your confidence.

 

Like I said before, nothing's black and white...always grey areas. We've got to learn to live in those grey areas, cause that's where real life happens. Nothing, usually, is ever so polarized that there's a single 'right' answer to it all.

 

I don't totally buy into the notion that insecurity is selfish. Again, I think the definition of the word got twisted to fit an argument. I can see how it happened though. Insecurity, in and of itself, is not selfish. Refusing to address it, then 'leaning' on those around you for support, all the while refusing to actively address the issue, can be viewed as selfish.

 

Let me know if I'm not being clear. East coast...12:30 am. Need sleep.......

 

TBF-

I've read other posts of yours, and you really do give out good advice. I hope you're not offended by our little disagreement here, but I do think you're bringing something to this argument that's giving you this opinion.

[Trialbyfire]

No, I'm not offended. I think I'm offended by the description of "selfish and rude".

 

People aren't insecure because they want to be that way. People are on LS for a reason. They are looking for answers or some form of methodology to help them get through a rough spot. The lack of compassion and the cavalier attitude taken within this thread towards needs bothers me. One persons easy is another's trauma. It's all about coping tools.

 

As for bringing something into this discussion, yes, your previous post reminded me about the well hidden insecurities of my ex.

[DanielMadr]

Okay. For example. A woman is raped by an unknown assailant while sleeping in her own bed one night. This woman can no longer sleep by herself and also has trust issues with men in general.

 

How long is she allowed to be insecure about these issues?

 

Uh, heavy caliber.

 

How long? As long as she wants to of course. She can join nuns if she wants to and it makes her feel good. But she shouldnt wonder then why her husband is feeling bad after x years of sleeping on floor beside her bed.

 

There are two approaches:

 

1) I was raped. It is my fault. Rapists fault. My husbands fault. Societys fault. Governments fault. Im damaged. I will never get better and that stigma will stay with me forever. Nothing can change it. Im doomed. I dont trust anyone. And anyone considering to fight it, doesnt know what he is talking about.

 

2) I was raped. **** happens, at least Im alive. Rapist will be fornicating with satan soon. It must be uneasy for my family, so lets bring things to normal ASAP. Its definetely not my fault. Let my husband know what I feel and that I have to find a way to him again. Meanwhile lets lock the doors and do some self defence not to worry so much. Lets see people who can help me. I dont care what others might think. Its my life and they dont know shyt.

[kribby]

No, I'm not offended. I think I'm offended by the description of "selfish and rude".

 

People aren't insecure because they want to be that way. People are on LS for a reason. They are looking for answers or some form of methodology to help them get through a rough spot. The lack of compassion and the cavalier attitude taken within this thread towards needs bothers me. One persons easy is another's trauma. It's all about coping tools.

 

As for bringing something into this discussion, yes, your previous post reminded me about the well hidden insecurities of my ex.

 

So we are to walk on eggshells? Hmm. Thanks for letting me know.

[kribby]

Uh, heavy caliber.

 

How long? As long as she wants to of course. She can join nuns if she wants to and it makes her feel good. But she shouldnt wonder then why her husband is feeling bad after x years of sleeping on floor beside her bed.

 

There are two approaches:

 

1) I was raped. It is my fault. Rapists fault. My husbands fault. Societys fault. Governments fault. Im damaged. I will never get better and that stigma will stay with me forever. Nothing can change it. Im doomed. I dont trust anyone. And anyone considering to fight it, doesnt know what he is talking about.

 

2) I was raped. **** happens, at least Im alive. Rapist will be fornicating with satan soon. It must be uneasy for my family, so lets bring things to normal ASAP. Its definetely not my fault. Let my husband know what I feel and that I have to find a way to him again. Meanwhile lets lock the doors and do some self defence not to worry so much. Lets see people who can help me. I dont care what others might think. Its my life and they dont know shyt.

 

This post has reminded me that you are 15.