Why is insecurity a turn off?

[kribby]

Insecurity is a turn off as it is a bit scary to have another so dependent on you.

 

I think back to all my relationships and only 2 I felt insecure. Why? That person was doing things to trigger that. Inconsistent behaviour, aloofness, etc.

 

Someone starts off being attentive and consistent then they change. It is annoying!

 

Yes I could control myself and how I reacted. Instead of being insecure, I should have just told them to go get stuffed!

 

Yeah! Me too!

 

We live and learn, right?

 

It is soooo interesting to me that people that profess to 'love you' really want to control you and encourage insecurity.

 

My significant ex- was like that.

 

*cruel bastard*

 

I wonder if those people actually find love or ever really accent another persons life...

[amaysngrace]

People are so f**king cruel in this world that they will dismiss the hurt that anyone has because it is too much of a chore for them to make people feel better.

 

And this thinking is beneficial How? Why is it other people's jobs to make you feel better? I guess because then when you feel bad or insecure it's their fault, huh?

 

Deaconblues, I don't know of what hardships your life has entailed. I don't know what struggles you have endured. But I can honestly say you have not yet overcome them with this attitude of yours.

 

Call me a bitch or whatever. It makes no difference to me. But I, myself, have been through many trials and tribulations in my life that I could use as a convenient EXCUSE to think bad of the world and pity myself.

 

But I choose not to. And that's the difference between you and me. I don't wallow in my problems, I look for solutions. And it all begins with ME.

[deaconblues]

I think people who are emotionally scared are handicapped and need to fix their issues before they get in a relationship.

 

No person is supposed to 'complete you' or 'fix you'... you need to be whole before you seek out another.

 

Yeah, insecurity-- LOTS of it-- is a major turn off. I will not be another person's 24/7 therapist. Yeah, on ocassion-- not daily.

 

And I am far from cruel.

 

The problem with that logic is that for some people, with permenant damage, you are saying that they can never have anyone. I steadfastly refuse to believe that.

 

And yes, people turn to other people to assist in getting over past trauma all the time - that's what things like support groups and group therapy are for. Some stuff that happens to you in life never goes away...

[kribby]

The problem with that logic is that for some people, with permenant damage, you are saying that they can never have anyone. I steadfastly refuse to believe that.

 

And yes, people turn to other people to assist in getting over past trauma all the time - that's what things like support groups and group therapy are for. Some stuff that happens to you in life never goes away...

 

 

I don't think there is a such thing as permanent damage.

 

I've been raped-abused-beat-hurt-etc. I choose not to be handicapped by my past.

 

But that is just my opinion. < shrug >

 

I am only telling you the truth. I would never be anyones 'therapy'.

 

Oh, and while I respect you and your right to respond-- I seriously believe we are just diametrically opposed.

 

This conversation can't go anywhere-- please do not be insulted if you don't receive any further response from me.

 

After posting responses to you a bit earlier I skimmed 'all your public posts'.

 

I think I am far too insensitive to speak to you and therefore I would rather not.

 

You make me a bit uncomfortable because of your stated issues-- and I wouldn't want to hurt your feelings!

[deaconblues]

And this thinking is beneficial How? Why is it other people's jobs to make you feel better? I guess because then when you feel bad or insecure it's their fault, huh?

 

Deaconblues, I don't know of what hardships your life has entailed. I don't know what struggles you have endured. But I can honestly say you have not yet overcome them with this attitude of yours.

 

Call me a bitch or whatever. It makes no difference to me. But I, myself, have been through many trials and tribulations in my life that I could use as a convenient EXCUSE to think bad of the world and pity myself.

 

But I choose not to. And that's the difference between you and me. I don't wallow in my problems, I look for solutions. And it all begins with ME.

 

Because I believe that when you look for someone you love and find them, it is the person that you would lay down your own life for because they are more dear to you than even yourself. I know I would lay down my life for the person I love...without thinking twice about it.

 

And I have been looking for solutions for over a decade...but it can't be done alone...

[amaysngrace]

And I have been looking for solutions for over a decade...but it can't be done alone...

 

Did you ever think that maybe you're looking in the wrong place?

 

I honestly don't think you value yourself or believe in yourself enough. It's a process. But ten years is an awfully long time to put forth efforts without seeing any results.

 

I think you need to look inward more to find the help you need rather than looking outward to others, but I do think counseling is necessary for you to clean up the clutter.

 

But it's definitely your job mainly, not the counselors. You have to be receptive and open. You shouldn't just accept things as they are about yourself if it is within your own power to change them.

 

And we all have the power within us to make positive changes for ourselves. But if we choose not to we are just settling for a less than satisfying life. And we have no one to blame but ourselves in those instances.

 

"Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change

the courage to change the things I can

and the wisdom to know the difference"

 

That's the Serenity Prayer. Or my version of it anyway from memory. But there's a lot of power in possessing those three traits: serenity, courage and wisdom.

 

But again, these things come from within. You can't look to others to place them there inside yourself.

 

Personally, I think you're just going with what's easiest. I think that it is probably easier for you to look to others rather than look towards yourself. Because looking towards yourself is too much work for you. You are selling yourself out in that way. And that's unfortunate that you don't think higher of yourself all because so-and-so made you feel that way.

 

And again, they win and you lose. It's tragic really. I say screw so-and-so.

[Curmudgeon]

Insecurity is a turn-off because in addition to signalling a poor self-image and lack of self-esteen, it also follows that the individual is very dependent. That is not an attractive trait.

[confucious]

Newsflash -

 

ALL of us are insecure in one way or another...seriously. It may manifest differently in people, some may feel it more keenly than others, but we all have it in some form or another. The problem is - for those who consider it such an abominable weakness, to admit/accept they are insecure about something is to admit they are weak, to admit they are what they hate so much. Self-denial is rampant these days.

 

As to eradicating insecurities all on your own and being "strong". I think whoever posted that has not thought of the concept of community and family, and North America's increasing lack of both (seriously, look to Asia or South America...thier concept of family is HUGE - it is support, both emotional and financial). Humans are communal creatures - we look to others for cues on how to behave, we operate in tribes that starve together or feast together, that pass on histories, solve eachothers problems, generally support eachother in ALL ways. This includes emotional. Yet North America is experiencing a HUGE movement away from this. We are increasingly individualistic - adopting an attitude of "not MY problem". This resluts in two attitudes:

 

1. firstly, one fixes all ones OWN problems...to lay them on others is "weak"
   
2. secondly - if someone else is weak it is the weak individuals problem. They have chosen to wallow in it, they are not trying as hard as "me", they are flawed, I do not want anything to do with them.

I find these attitudes depressing.

 

To be honest - I would rather have someone who admits they are insecure or weak in some way than someone who professes to be an inordinately self-made 100% confident individual.

 

In my experience, people who reveal they have some insecurities are FAR more rewarding as friends AND lovers. Through thier introspectiona nd self-doubt they are more intuitive, more thoughtful, capable of more compassion, and sometimes can form deeper emotional bonds. This is not a blanket statement. Just my experience.

 

No - to be overly burdened by someone else's problems is not always fair. But let's recognize they HAVE problems, let's recognize that all of us want to be happy, that is our common basic desire. Let's think "It is too bad she needs so much affirmation, I can't help her by dating her, but maybe I can be support in some way." rather than "God - that is such a turn off...I HATE weak people."

 

I know it's hard, with the world so big and with so many different people, but let's try to be a community. Let's try and be less judgmental and a little more compassionate.

 

And I will try and preach a little less....heheheh

[deaconblues]

In my experience, people who reveal they have some insecurities are FAR more rewarding as friends AND lovers. Through thier introspection and self-doubt they are more intuitive, more thoughtful, capable of more compassion, and sometimes can form deeper emotional bonds. This is not a blanket statement. Just my experience.

 

totally...I tend to be very introspective, and I seek that out in people that I want, and I have noticed that introspective people tend to be more analytical and interpretive when it comes to their identity. Think of how densly packed Ulyssess or Finnegan's Wake is and multiply it by 100 - that's life - you can have countless interpretations and feel the brunt of your own negative interpretations more harshly. Speaking for myself, I don't like to filter...I like to hear and analyze negative evaluations/memories just as much as positive ones because it, well, gives my mind something to do...I would hate to not be using it. However, because I don't filter, I must often deal with the very negative thoughts and place them into a context that is the sum of my own personal identity; that is something that can be very painful.

[lindya]

ALL of us are insecure in one way or another...seriously. It may manifest differently in people, some may feel it more keenly than others, but we all have it in some form or another. The problem is - for those who consider it such an abominable weakness, to admit/accept they are insecure about something is to admit they are weak, to admit they are what they hate so much. Self-denial is rampant these days.

 

Yes. We start life off in a state of weakness and dependence, and most of us will probably end it in much the same state. Nobody is immune from feelings of insecurity now and again. As we mature, we realise that others can't always be there for us and that it's unfair to attempt to place the rest of the world on a guilt trip for that. So we develop coping mechanisms for those times when nobody is there, and the idea of being abandoned becomes less frightening

 

During stress or trauma, those coping mechanisms can lose their effectiveness and our behaviour can become altogether less healthy. Who hasn't been there at some point? And who really got through it entirely on their own, without any outside assistance? People love to make these claims, but the reality is generally going to be that they received at least some level of propping up from certain friends, partners, family members, colleagues - or in some cases professionals, the state or charitable institutions. Or online support forums.

 

So I agree with the point I think you're making - ie that the fact that a person admits to feelings of insecurity at times doesn't make them less of a person (or, in many cases less of a secure person) than those who vigorously deny ever having such feelings. Surely most of us are just ploughing through trying to find a good balance between getting our needs met, meeting other people's needs and being careful about not consuming more than our fair share of eachothers' time and goodwill.

[amaysngrace]

Let's try and be less judgmental and a little more compassionate.

 

 

While you judge others for their take on things, inner strength versus weakness as you say, I find it odd for this statement to be spoken by you.

 

I can be giving and compassionate. Which I thought I had been in trying to let bluedeacon help himself. To offer my perspective. But I won't go against my beliefs, which experience has taught me by the way, to pacify and/or enable him to stay stuck in his thoughts that it is entirely his GFs responsibility to make him feel happy.

 

Do you really think it's "fair" to rely on another so deeply to the point of draining their well-being, simply because you haven't taken the time to nourish your own soul first?

 

Personally I like friends who know who they are. Have overcame their obstacles. And can offer me words of wisdom rather than join me at my own pity party. To me they have character and integrity. They are more strong than weak. And I find that they help keep my own outlook to be a more positive one.

 

And if when the sh*t really hits the fan, these are the first people I will run to. Because I know they will help me out and empathize with me offering me their strength, which IMO runs deeper than one who drains others regularly with issues that are within their own power to change.

 

What help can they sincerely offer when they are consumed by their own predicament?

 

Yes everyone has insecurities. Everyone has problems with themselves in some areas. But there are those who use it to identify themselves and there are those who decide to change it about themselves. Or accept it about themselves. Which is why you don't hear the second group of people saying "I have this wrong with me, it's who I am". They either change it or accept it about themselves and don't look for external validation that they are okay. They know they're okay.

 

I don't think I am better than anyone. Or anyone is better than me for that matter. But I will not be an enabler. Because I have the strength to spare. So when I offer up my strength, I am in fact being compassionate.

 

But it's the individuals choice on what to do with the help that I offer.

[Trialbyfire]

Personally I like friends who know who they are. Have overcame their obstacles. And can offer me words of wisdom rather than join me at my own pity party. To me they have character and integrity. They are more strong than weak. And I find that they help keep my own outlook to be a more positive one.

 

And if when the sh*t really hits the fan, these are the first people I will run to. Because I know they will help me out and empathize with me offering me their strength, which IMO runs deeper than one who drains others regularly with issues that are within their own power to change.

 

You might want to consider this aspect. Everyone has needs (not necessarily needs). Do you consider your reliance on your friends a form of neediness, that you rely on their strengths to help you get through?

[kribby]

Newsflash -

 

ALL of us are insecure in one way or another...seriously. It may manifest differently in people, some may feel it more keenly than others, but we all have it in some form or another. The problem is - for those who consider it such an abominable weakness, to admit/accept they are insecure about something is to admit they are weak, to admit they are what they hate so much. Self-denial is rampant these days.

 

As to eradicating insecurities all on your own and being "strong". I think whoever posted that has not thought of the concept of community and family, and North America's increasing lack of both (seriously, look to Asia or South America...thier concept of family is HUGE - it is support, both emotional and financial). Humans are communal creatures - we look to others for cues on how to behave, we operate in tribes that starve together or feast together, that pass on histories, solve eachothers problems, generally support eachother in ALL ways. This includes emotional. Yet North America is experiencing a HUGE movement away from this. We are increasingly individualistic - adopting an attitude of "not MY problem". This resluts in two attitudes:

1. firstly, one fixes all ones OWN problems...to lay them on others is "weak"
   
2. secondly - if someone else is weak it is the weak individuals problem. They have chosen to wallow in it, they are not trying as hard as "me", they are flawed, I do not want anything to do with them.

I find these attitudes depressing.

 

To be honest - I would rather have someone who admits they are insecure or weak in some way than someone who professes to be an inordinately self-made 100% confident individual.

 

In my experience, people who reveal they have some insecurities are FAR more rewarding as friends AND lovers. Through thier introspectiona nd self-doubt they are more intuitive, more thoughtful, capable of more compassion, and sometimes can form deeper emotional bonds. This is not a blanket statement. Just my experience.

 

No - to be overly burdened by someone else's problems is not always fair. But let's recognize they HAVE problems, let's recognize that all of us want to be happy, that is our common basic desire. Let's think "It is too bad she needs so much affirmation, I can't help her by dating her, but maybe I can be support in some way." rather than "God - that is such a turn off...I HATE weak people."

 

I know it's hard, with the world so big and with so many different people, but let's try to be a community. Let's try and be less judgmental and a little more compassionate.

 

And I will try and preach a little less....heheheh

 

I do not agree with you- at all. But I respect your opinion.

[kribby]

While you judge others for their take on things, inner strength versus weakness as you say, I find it odd for this statement to be spoken by you.

 

I can be giving and compassionate. Which I thought I had been in trying to let bluedeacon help himself. To offer my perspective. But I won't go against my beliefs, which experience has taught me by the way, to pacify and/or enable him to stay stuck in his thoughts that it is entirely his GFs responsibility to make him feel happy.

 

Do you really think it's "fair" to rely on another so deeply to the point of draining their well-being, simply because you haven't taken the time to nourish your own soul first?

 

Personally I like friends who know who they are. Have overcame their obstacles. And can offer me words of wisdom rather than join me at my own pity party. To me they have character and integrity. They are more strong than weak. And I find that they help keep my own outlook to be a more positive one.

 

And if when the sh*t really hits the fan, these are the first people I will run to. Because I know they will help me out and empathize with me offering me their strength, which IMO runs deeper than one who drains others regularly with issues that are within their own power to change.

 

What help can they sincerely offer when they are consumed by their own predicament?

 

Yes everyone has insecurities. Everyone has problems with themselves in some areas. But there are those who use it to identify themselves and there are those who decide to change it about themselves. Or accept it about themselves. Which is why you don't hear the second group of people saying "I have this wrong with me, it's who I am". They either change it or accept it about themselves and don't look for external validation that they are okay. They know they're okay.

 

I don't think I am better than anyone. Or anyone is better than me for that matter. But I will not be an enabler. Because I have the strength to spare. So when I offer up my strength, I am in fact being compassionate.

 

But it's the individuals choice on what to do with the help that I offer.

 

 

I second what you have said. I applaud your ability to type this-- I tried to respond to the preceeding post and kept typing curse words!!!!

 

[amaysngrace]

Do you consider your reliance on your friends a form of neediness, that you rely on their strengths to help you get through?

 

I don't need to have friends. I like to have friends.

[Trialbyfire]

I don't need to have friends. I like to have friends.

I'm of the belief that everyone needs friends because we are pack animals by default.

 

No one is completely self-sufficient and for people of different levels of self-sufficiency to demean others who have less, doesn't sit well with me. They say that strength calls to strength, when in reality strength tends to bond to weakness.

 

Sometimes tough love is necessary but to believe that you can get through life without a helping hand from someone else, is arrogant and self-centered.

 

I can guarantee you that others have helped each and every one of you, whether you realize it or not.

[2sunny]

let's look at the other side-

 

CONFIDENCE can be VERY sexy! whether it's on someone attractive or not!

[amaysngrace]

I'm of the belief that everyone needs friends because we are pack animals by default.

 

No one is completely self-sufficient and for people of different levels of self-sufficiency to demean others who have less, doesn't sit well with me. They say that strength calls to strength, when in reality strength tends to bond to weakness.

 

Sometimes tough love is necessary but to believe that you can get through life without a helping hand from someone else, is arrogant and self-centered.

 

I can guarantee you that others have helped each and every one of you, whether you realize it or not.

 

Okay when did I ever say that I'm not sociable? That I don't have any people in my life? That I haven't gotten help along the way? Quite the contrary, actually, from the prior statement from my post you questioned me on earlier.

 

I didn't mean for you to take personal offense to what I said. I'm sorry if it struck a nerve.

 

And with that I'm off of this thread for today. Happy Saturday!

[confucious]

NIcely turned around. I like that!

[Trialbyfire]

Okay when did I ever say that I'm not sociable? That I don't have any people in my life? That I haven't gotten help along the way? Quite the contrary, actually, from the prior statement from my post you questioned me on earlier.

 

I didn't mean for you to take personal offense to what I said. I'm sorry if it struck a nerve.

 

And with that I'm off of this thread for today. Happy Saturday!

I guess it did hit a nerve. I'm sorry too for taking it so harshly.

 

I guess I look at people who either grew up with secure environments or secure friendships, which is what has shaped me, as having the luck of the draw, instead of being more deserving than the rest. We're lucky to be given the tools for coping, while others aren't so lucky.

[Pyro]

On first sight insecurity is viewed as some positive trait. People say they are insecure to implicate they are shy, vulnerable, nice, non-threatening etc.

 

So why is it so unattractive in dating and/or relationship?

 

I think b/c deep down you know, that insecurity is fear. Fear stinks and is poisonous. Nobody likes to smell it, you have to be strong to cope with fear of your own or of someone else.

And most of all it is fear about ourselves. It is the worst of all fears....the selfish fear. 'What will happen with me? What will I do? Me. Me. Me. Me' Selfish, Self-centered, fragile ego protecting fear. When you confront someone with your insecurity you give him/her huge mass of heavy burden of responsibility.

 

Insecurity is not only unattreactive, its also selfish and rude.

 

Dont confuse modesty with insecurity.

 

I never heard anyone calling insecurity a turn-on. Where did you hear that?

 

Being shy to a certain degree, being nice, and being non-threatening does not indicate insecurity, unless those are to the extreme.

 

I never heard anyone refer to modesty as insecurity. Again, where did you hear that?

 

Unfortunately some are insecure in a way where they don't easily trust another, which could have been a result of being hurt in the past. You can't call them rude if they are attempting to work on their insecurities, but it is a turn-off if they do not attempt to improve it.

[Mary3]

deaconblues : correct me if I am wrong but didn't you recently post that you were undateable and suffered from BDD ? If I am wrong my apologies but if you were recently undateable but yet have an girlfriend ( LDR ) thats a bit confusing ?

[Pink Amulet]

There is a clear distinction between insecurity and being shy!

 

Insecurity is an emotional disabilty, a shy demeanour is simple a personality trait.

 

All personality traits can be found sexy by someone (I prefer shy, quiet men), insecurity however dealing with insecure people is tiring and frustrating, and for the majority considered an "unattractive quality".

[sweetscarlet]

I think part of it is biological. Those who survived long ago weren't the weak and today the weak translates into the insecure. We still seek out those with traits that guarantee survival. That's the reason at its most base level, I think.

 

We also don't like traits in other people that we dislike in ourselves. Seeing other people's insecurities reminds us of our own insecurities and people don't want to be reminded of them. People would rather have a role model.

 

I don't think that people can necessarily choose to be confident as easily as some posters think, however. We all have different emotional makeups, some people being more sensitive than others. Some people weather things more easily. Even as infants, some babies are easy going and some very fussy. Take a highly sensitive person and give them a traumatic childhood, and you're going to have someone who has a very hard time getting rid of their insecurity.....much more than a moderately tempered person who has had a traumatic childhood.

 

In other words....we are not all the same and so we cannot expect it to be as easy for one person as it is another. For some, it can be immensely difficult and even then, they may never achieve a high level of confidence.

 

 

As an aside, I also like what a poster said about dating someone who suddenly changes their behavior and becomes distant--- which then results in your becoming insecure. And usually that creates a snowball effect because the person who has become insecure then pushes the other person away even more with their insecurity. This then gives that person a valid reason for pushing you away or leaving. Bad, bad cycle to get into but very easy to fall into.

[KKLULESS]

Each of us are insecure. There is a page to our life that is not known to anyone. It is alright if you do not want the world to know certain traits in you. There are a chosen very personal charateristics that i would not want anyone to have an inkling on.

 

howver, insecurity in a relationship is dangerous. Imagine you wake up one morning, and your spouse, gal, guy has left for greener pastures. This feeling can ruin the zing in any relationsip. Most of us may not be very vocal in showcasing our love. A positive affirmation is needed to by each f us that we know that we have our love with us. Howver, this is not always the case. Communication if the key.. I went thro a bout of major insecurity. I told my guy about this. Thanks to his 'so many gal frens..'! At the end of our conversation, we got ahead stronger.

 

The best way to overcome this, is to tell ur guy/ gal waht is it that is eating up into your relationship and making ur insecure