DanielMadr Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 On first sight insecurity is viewed as some positive trait. People say they are insecure to implicate they are shy, vulnerable, nice, non-threatening etc. So why is it so unattractive in dating and/or relationship? I think b/c deep down you know, that insecurity is fear. Fear stinks and is poisonous. Nobody likes to smell it, you have to be strong to cope with fear of your own or of someone else. And most of all it is fear about ourselves. It is the worst of all fears....the selfish fear. 'What will happen with me? What will I do? Me. Me. Me. Me' Selfish, Self-centered, fragile ego protecting fear. When you confront someone with your insecurity you give him/her huge mass of heavy burden of responsibility. Insecurity is not only unattreactive, its also selfish and rude. Dont confuse modesty with insecurity.
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 I find insecurity a turn off. I like to be with someone who chooses to be with me, not someone who neeeeeeeeds to be with me. I hate being held responsible for someone else's happiness, and I surely don't like being someone else's emotional tampon either.
EC Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 I would have to disagree that being insecure is selfish and Rude. Some people are insecure because of the selfishness and rudeness of OTHERS!
amaysngrace Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 I agree. Confident is a thousand times more sexy than needy. But they say those who are too confident, ie: arrogant, are selfish too. Once again, it's all about the balance.
Guest Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 I would have to disagree that being insecure is selfish and Rude. Some people are insecure because of the selfishness and rudeness of OTHERS! I agree to a degree,a pearson has to start somewhere w/insecurites, self doubt is fostered from childhood and grows in the lack of possitive reinforcement.It takes a titanic amount of will and intorspection to over come self doubt.We all have the power to overcome insecurites but a trusted helping hand does a world of good.
Aloros Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 I find insecurity a turn-off because I like my men confident and with a sense of self-worth. Insecurity points to a low self-esteem. I tend to tease the people I like a lot, and I like for my guy to have enough self-esteem not to take me seriously and get upset. I also like someone with enough confidence to laugh at themselves. I don't want to have to constantly reassure the person I'm in a relationship with.
polywog Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 Right On, DM. Very good post. Vulnerability and insecurity are often confused. Insecurity is about needing some kind of "affirmation" from another... a burden for them (the other), and a selfish request, indeed. Vulnerabilty is about someone who is strong enough to risk themselves with another. Quite a provocative subject!
Star Gazer Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 I would have to disagree that being insecure is selfish and Rude. Some people are insecure because of the selfishness and rudeness of OTHERS! Wrong. Insecure BEHAVIOR is selfish and rude because you're putting your needs in obtaining some pseudo-security from the other person (calling incessantly, being needy, clingy, jealous, etc.) ahead of their needs to just be themselves. In addition, no one MAKES you insecure - you allow yourself to feel that way.
Island Girl Posted April 14, 2007 Posted April 14, 2007 On first sight insecurity is viewed as some positive trait. People say they are insecure to implicate they are shy, vulnerable, nice, non-threatening etc. I've never heard of or encountered this. People generally do not say they are insecure -- even if they are. So why is it so unattractive in dating and/or relationship? Because insecure people are emotional leeches who suck your emotions dry until you just can't deal anymore. Dont confuse modesty with insecurity. That's never been a problem because they are very very different things. Modesty does not act the same as insecurity.
Trialbyfire Posted April 14, 2007 Posted April 14, 2007 Wrong. Insecure BEHAVIOR is selfish and rude because you're putting your needs in obtaining some pseudo-security from the other person (calling incessantly, being needy, clingy, jealous, etc.) ahead of their needs to just be themselves. In addition, no one MAKES you insecure - you allow yourself to feel that way. I agree to an extent although some insecurities have been dumped on you by the actions of others, such as cheaters, sexual, mental and physical abusers and a few others offenders who vampire all self-esteem. It's like having a knife stuck into your back. For some, you can't reach it to remove it because it's either in a spot too difficult or it's embedded in bone. This is when therapy, a good family unit and friends come into play. They're able to reach the knife and help you extract it. Once this is done, you can finally start to heal. This is why I don't believe in rebound relationships until you're back on your feet.
Star Gazer Posted April 14, 2007 Posted April 14, 2007 I agree to an extent although some insecurities have been dumped on you by the actions of others, such as cheaters, sexual, mental and physical abusers and a few others offenders who vampire all self-esteem. I disagree. If someone cheats on you, it's your CHOICE to decide to become insecure as a result, or to simply think it's THEIR problem, not yours. If you CHOOSE to be secure in and of yourself to begin with, then an "abuser" won't even get the CHANCE to affect you with their abuse, because you will have already CHOSEN to not tolerate it and leave the moment you experience it. If you've already experienced it, it's up to you to CHOOSE to be a stronger person with a better self-concept. All too often people blame others and point fingers when their focus should be on their OWN actions and feelings. You cannot control anyone other than yourself, and that goes for feelings of insecurity as well.
whichwayisup Posted April 14, 2007 Posted April 14, 2007 If someone cheats on you, it's your CHOICE to decide to become insecure as a result, or to simply think it's THEIR problem, not yours. If you CHOOSE to be secure in and of yourself to begin with, then an "abuser" won't even get the CHANCE to affect you with their abuse, because you will have already CHOSEN to not tolerate it and leave the moment you experience it. If you've already experienced it, it's up to you to CHOOSE to be a stronger person with a better self-concept. Not everybody is so strong after going through major abuse, either emotional or physical. IT takes a long time to work through the pain and how to really open up and trust someone again. This isn't about CHOOSING. That's like saying a woman who is raped just get over it and choose NOT to let ANY fears or trust issues get in the way of future relationships with men. Come on...People, just like their situations are all different and everybody handles things their own way.
Trialbyfire Posted April 14, 2007 Posted April 14, 2007 I disagree. If someone cheats on you, it's your CHOICE to decide to become insecure as a result, or to simply think it's THEIR problem, not yours. If you CHOOSE to be secure in and of yourself to begin with, then an "abuser" won't even get the CHANCE to affect you with their abuse, because you will have already CHOSEN to not tolerate it and leave the moment you experience it. If you've already experienced it, it's up to you to CHOOSE to be a stronger person with a better self-concept. All too often people blame others and point fingers when their focus should be on their OWN actions and feelings. You cannot control anyone other than yourself, and that goes for feelings of insecurity as well. WRONG. You choose to work through the issues so you can heal to become secure. No one chooses to be insecure. How ridiculous is that? Some need help with those issues and others work through it themselves.
amaysngrace Posted April 14, 2007 Posted April 14, 2007 All too often people blame others and point fingers when their focus should be on their OWN actions and feelings. You cannot control anyone other than yourself, and that goes for feelings of insecurity as well. That's right. It's easy to say it's someone else's fault you are the way you are. But if you have insecurities the only way to get past them is to face them head on. Otherwise it's always going to be somebody's fault. Insecurities fall into the category of personal responsibilty. Which is why anyone who blames someone else for their own insecurities is selfish, like Daniel said initially. "will you be my sunbeam and bring me eternal happiness because i just can't shine without you?"
deaconblues Posted April 14, 2007 Posted April 14, 2007 And what about those people that will be emotionally scarred forever because of things like being abused as children, constantly being told from a young age that they aren't good enough so that it is so deeply embedded within their own subconciousness that they are unable to help themselves, and then when they get into a relationship some insecurities like fear of abandonment (ingrained at a impressionable age in childhood development), come out? Are those people forever banished to suffer their insecurities alone because people aren't kind enough to support them? I am lucky the woman I love and who loves me understands my insecurities and the root of them, and that I understand her insecurities and the root of those as well...and I take pride that she knows that I would walk through fire to make her feel better when her insecurities get the best of her and it is no skin off of my back, ever. And I would NEVER judge her for ANY insecurities she ever has. It's just being a good, decent person and showing devotion to the one you love Not everyone has had a life where carefree confidence and strength come naturally. People are so f**king cruel in this world that they will dismiss the hurt that anyone has because it is too much of a chore for them to make people feel better. Well, that's real compassionate, folks. Wow, I am throroughly disappointed with this thread.
deaconblues Posted April 14, 2007 Posted April 14, 2007 And for those of you, when confronted with someone who has insecurities borne out of turbulence and conflicts in their past, instead of dismissing them saying, "you're selfish", "I am better then you", "you're emotions are unattractive - be happy all the time or you are a worthless piece of **** to me", or "you don't deserve happiness in this world because you can't seem to find it anyway and I just don't do lost causes"..., well you might be served by looking at your own emotions, finding the compassion within yourself and offering help... Ugh. Now am I am angry and crying and reliving terrible memories .
Storyrider Posted April 14, 2007 Posted April 14, 2007 And for those of you, when confronted with someone who has insecurities borne out of turbulence and conflicts in their past, instead of dismissing them saying, "you're selfish", "I am better then you", "you're emotions are unattractive - be happy all the time or you are a worthless piece of **** to me", or "you don't deserve happiness in this world because you can't seem to find it anyway and I just don't do lost causes"..., well you might be served by looking at your own emotions, finding the compassion within yourself and offering help... I know what you're saying. If you can't admit you're scared for fear your lover with reject you, how is that love? It doesn't seem very honest. But, on the other hand if you let your fear run rampant you will sap the fun and romance out of the relationship. So there has to be a balance.
Trialbyfire Posted April 14, 2007 Posted April 14, 2007 And for those of you, when confronted with someone who has insecurities borne out of turbulence and conflicts in their past, instead of dismissing them saying, "you're selfish", "I am better then you", "you're emotions are unattractive - be happy all the time or you are a worthless piece of **** to me", or "you don't deserve happiness in this world because you can't seem to find it anyway and I just don't do lost causes"..., well you might be served by looking at your own emotions, finding the compassion within yourself and offering help... Ugh. Now am I am angry and crying and reliving terrible memories . deaconblues, try not to let your losses overwhelm you. When I use the word losses, it means the incidents that have devalued your trust in others or you, as a person, in your own eyes. I hope you're in some form of therapy to help you work your way through these issues so you are provided with the proper coping tools.
deaconblues Posted April 14, 2007 Posted April 14, 2007 Luckily, there are support networks out there for people who have had trauma in their past so that they can find others who understand and sympathize. Without them, some people (say for instance, me), who need reassurance in order to deal with painful, horrible memories and feelings would not be able to find that special person. And, because of my own experiences I can offer what I know to help that special person through thier own insecurities without feeling like they are being "selfish". I just get absolutely offended when people blast others who are "needy" or are insecure because people have no idea of the longterm affects of damage (and how even a lifetime of therapy could not make up for some of that damage). Thankfully, after feeling distraught over this thread, I had that special person give me a call to lift my spirits (LDR).
kribby Posted April 14, 2007 Posted April 14, 2007 Not everybody is so strong after going through major abuse, either emotional or physical. IT takes a long time to work through the pain and how to really open up and trust someone again. This isn't about CHOOSING. That's like saying a woman who is raped just get over it and choose NOT to let ANY fears or trust issues get in the way of future relationships with men. Come on...People, just like their situations are all different and everybody handles things their own way. I believe you CHOOSE to be hurt by another person's actions towards you. It only takes a long time to work through pain if that is the kind of person you are. It depends on your personal make up. You want to hold on to your pain-- hey that's your perogative. Talk to 1,001 therapists-- they will all tell you variations of the same thing-- Each person CHOOSES to live... to be healed... to be free from their hurtful past. And I am not just spouting off-- I've been through some rough s*** (lots and lots of it) and I choose not to be handicapped. I know plenty of folks who choose to be crippled by others' issues.
kribby Posted April 14, 2007 Posted April 14, 2007 And what about those people that will be emotionally scarred forever because of things like being abused as children, constantly being told from a young age that they aren't good enough so that it is so deeply embedded within their own subconciousness that they are unable to help themselves, and then when they get into a relationship some insecurities like fear of abandonment (ingrained at a impressionable age in childhood development), come out? Are those people forever banished to suffer their insecurities alone because people aren't kind enough to support them? I am lucky the woman I love and who loves me understands my insecurities and the root of them, and that I understand her insecurities and the root of those as well...and I take pride that she knows that I would walk through fire to make her feel better when her insecurities get the best of her and it is no skin off of my back, ever. And I would NEVER judge her for ANY insecurities she ever has. It's just being a good, decent person and showing devotion to the one you love Not everyone has had a life where carefree confidence and strength come naturally. People are so f**king cruel in this world that they will dismiss the hurt that anyone has because it is too much of a chore for them to make people feel better. Well, that's real compassionate, folks. Wow, I am throroughly disappointed with this thread. I think people who are emotionally scared are handicapped and need to fix their issues before they get in a relationship. No person is supposed to 'complete you' or 'fix you'... you need to be whole before you seek out another. Yeah, insecurity-- LOTS of it-- is a major turn off. I will not be another person's 24/7 therapist. Yeah, on ocassion-- not daily. And I am far from cruel.
kribby Posted April 14, 2007 Posted April 14, 2007 And for those of you, when confronted with someone who has insecurities borne out of turbulence and conflicts in their past, instead of dismissing them saying, "you're selfish", "I am better then you", "you're emotions are unattractive - be happy all the time or you are a worthless piece of **** to me", or "you don't deserve happiness in this world because you can't seem to find it anyway and I just don't do lost causes"..., well you might be served by looking at your own emotions, finding the compassion within yourself and offering help... Ugh. Now am I am angry and crying and reliving terrible memories . What!!!!!!!! This thread is making you cry???? You are kidding me! I think people need to find their own peace-- not look for another person when they are in turmoil. I'd rather be 'whole' than not. I'd only be with a whole person.
kribby Posted April 14, 2007 Posted April 14, 2007 deaconblues, try not to let your losses overwhelm you. When I use the word losses, it means the incidents that have devalued your trust in others or you, as a person, in your own eyes. I hope you're in some form of therapy to help you work your way through these issues so you are provided with the proper coping tools. What they said... x2
kribby Posted April 14, 2007 Posted April 14, 2007 Luckily, there are support networks out there for people who have had trauma in their past so that they can find others who understand and sympathize. Without them, some people (say for instance, me), who need reassurance in order to deal with painful, horrible memories and feelings would not be able to find that special person. And, because of my own experiences I can offer what I know to help that special person through thier own insecurities without feeling like they are being "selfish". I just get absolutely offended when people blast others who are "needy" or are insecure because people have no idea of the longterm affects of damage (and how even a lifetime of therapy could not make up for some of that damage). Thankfully, after feeling distraught over this thread, I had that special person give me a call to lift my spirits (LDR). It bothers me that you appear to have to have an outside force to make you happy. < shrug > To each their own.
justagirliegirl Posted April 14, 2007 Posted April 14, 2007 Insecurity is a turn off as it is a bit scary to have another so dependent on you. I think back to all my relationships and only 2 I felt insecure. Why? That person was doing things to trigger that. Inconsistent behaviour, aloofness, etc. Someone starts off being attentive and consistent then they change. It is annoying! Yes I could control myself and how I reacted. Instead of being insecure, I should have just told them to go get stuffed!
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