Advise needed

[Bob_999]

This is tricky as I've never written this sort of detail about myself on a forum before, but I feel lost. Here's my story.

 

I have been in a relationship for around 10 years and married for just over five of them. The last 3-4 years things haven't been right in the relationship, we aren't as close and our love seems to have changed to more of a sisterly one. We still love each other but not in the same way. The key thing for me is that I don’t want to have kids with her because it just doesn’t feel right.

 

Then in September I became close to a colleague I work with. At Christmas we both declared love for each other and we both vowed that we would be together. Her situation is complicated by the fact she is due to marry in the summer! She has been adamant that she isn't going to go through with it, but since she has recently had a chat with her fiancé she doesn’t seem so sure. She has been with her fiancé for six years and has always been faithful so I know that she does have strong feelings for me.

 

This has left me confused on so many fronts. I'm ready to leave my wife as I know our love isn't what it should be. I know it will be hard, very hard. The thought of losing my "other" love at the same time is mind-blowing.

 

I'm really scared that she is going to go through with this marriage because it is easier to do that than put the brakes the wedding, also the wedding preparations are picking up a pace now so it's just going to be harder for her.

 

I have told her that if she truly loves this guy and wants to spend her life with him then I wouldn't stand in her way, but have I just made it easier for her to leave me?

 

I don't want to pressure her in anyway, but not knowing if the person I love is going to marry or not is killing me. What do you all think, what should I do?

 

Thanks for any help.

[addicted2love]

This is tricky as I've never written this sort of detail about myself on a forum before, but I feel lost. Here's my story.

 

I have been in a relationship for around 10 years and married for just over five of them. The last 3-4 years things haven't been right in the relationship, we aren't as close and our love seems to have changed to more of a sisterly one. We still love each other but not in the same way. The key thing for me is that I don’t want to have kids with her because it just doesn’t feel right.

 

Then in September I became close to a colleague I work with. At Christmas we both declared love for each other and we both vowed that we would be together. Her situation is complicated by the fact she is due to marry in the summer! She has been adamant that she isn't going to go through with it, but since she has recently had a chat with her fiancé she doesn’t seem so sure. She has been with her fiancé for six years and has always been faithful so I know that she does have strong feelings for me.

 

This has left me confused on so many fronts. I'm ready to leave my wife as I know our love isn't what it should be. I know it will be hard, very hard. The thought of losing my "other" love at the same time is mind-blowing.

 

I'm really scared that she is going to go through with this marriage because it is easier to do that than put the brakes the wedding, also the wedding preparations are picking up a pace now so it's just going to be harder for her.

 

I have told her that if she truly loves this guy and wants to spend her life with him then I wouldn't stand in her way, but have I just made it easier for her to leave me?

 

I don't want to pressure her in anyway, but not knowing if the person I love is going to marry or not is killing me. What do you all think, what should I do?

 

Thanks for any help.

 

Maybe my story will help....I fell in love with my MM over 17 years ago. We were high school sweethearts. We had some troubled times back then and ended up marrying other people and having children with them. Now 13 years later he looked me up we started talking and discovered that we are still in love with each other. So now in order to be together we would both have to hurt a lot of people. I got married first but before I did I called him up to see if there was still a chance for us. He was so hurt back then he shut me down so I went ahead and got married. If he had said to me back then.."I still love you" I would have run back to him in a heart beat.

 

I knew back then with all my heart that I still loved this man but I was young and didn't push it. I wish I had! So now here we are in an impossible situation with feelings that never died over the course of a decade! It's the old shoulda, coulda, woulda. Maybe I'm a hopeless romantic but if the two of you are truly in love with each other then you need to be together come hell or high water. I can tell you from experience that it is heartbreaking to marry the wrong man and then try to do the "right" thing when your heart belongs to someone else. Also it is totaly unfair to the man you marry. He too deserves to find true love and happiness.

 

This has been my biggest regret all these years. If I could talk to your OW I would tell her not to marry this person if there is even a shadow of a doubt about him. It's a whole lot easier to cancel a wedding than it is to get a D. (especially after there are kids involved) If she's worried about what everyone will think (family and friends) she needs to get over that quick. Everyone will understand eventually and she shouldn't make a major life changing desicion based on what everyone will think of her. I'm certain that the people who love and care for her want only to see her happy.

 

As far as my advice for you. If you know that you do not want to have children w/ your wife and that your marriage isn't what you want it to be then get a D and let your W move on while she is still able to find her own true love and have a familly. Don't stay in an unhappy marriage. It isn't fair to either one of you. You have an opportunity to get out before there are children involved. Once children enter the picture it's an entirely different ball game! I'm living it as we speak.

[whichwayisup]

So your new found love aside, are you still going to leave your wife anyway?

 

I guess my question is, WHY did you turn to another woman before sorting things out with your wife? Did you talk to your wife and tell her how you've been feeling? You owed her that honesty..Better to hurt her for honest reasons like :

The key thing for me is that I don’t want to have kids with her because it just doesn’t feel right.

rather than choosing to up and cheat on her, fall inlove with another woman. You've handled it badly and now you are in a situation that is painful for MORE people involved.

 

End your marriage with your wife first and THEN see what happens with the OW. I just hope you don't stay married if the OW decides she wants to marry her fiance. That is living a lie.......

 

Go home today and talk to your wife, tell her that the marriage is definately over and it's best to make a break NOW. The sooner you do it, the sooner your soon to be ex-wife can heal and grieve and get on with HER life.

[kymberann]

I say DITTO. You have two seperate issues here. Work on finding out what you want to do with the marriage first. That is most pressing. Regardless of the OW. What the OW does is up to her and you can't change that, even if she knows you are getting a divorce. Besides her situation isn't that complicated, she isn't married yet, if she really wanted to be with you she would/will and hopefully before she makes it more of a mess. But remember that is up to her and do you really want to go into that drama?

 

As for you, here is a thought if you were to stay with your wife for another year or so, would/will you regret that decision if you don't do something about the M now?

Best!

[Bob_999]

Thanks for all your comment thus far. I know your comments make sense. Breaking up with my wife would be so much easier if I could hate her, she has become a sister to me though and that just isn't right is it. I can't be physically close to her and I'm sure she too knows this isn't right. I need to find some brave pills.

 

As for the OW we had a good talk yesterday and she cried buckets about the situation. I think for her it boils down to she does love her fiance, but I think she loves me more but is worried that we are in an excited "honeymoon" period (despite us seeing each other for the last 8 months) and what if it doesn't last. I strongly feel she shouldnt marry him even if she doesnt wind up with me, I just don't know how to tell her.

 

I know people have mentioned that I cant change what she will do, but is it right to sit back and let her marry if thats what she decides to do?

[britchick]

I know people have mentioned that I cant change what she will do, but is it right to sit back and let her marry if thats what she decides to do?

 

I do agree with the other posters, you need to make a decision on your marriage before you do anything else. As for sitting back and letting her marry, that can only be your OW's decision. All you can do is tell her how you feel and then give her the space to make her choice. Trying to influence her decision will only confuse the issue more.

 

If she decides to go ahead with the marriage, will you stay with your wife?

[Bob_999]

Hi Britchick

 

I don't think I will stay with my wife whatever happens. She and I both want kids, but I cant have them with her as it wouldnt be right. Plus I would have to live with the last 8 months and my feelings for the OW I dont think I could do that.

 

I'm really scared I will have to deal with losing two people I love (albeit in different ways and who love me too) at the same time which will be really hard.

 

Thanks for your help.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks for all your comment thus far. I know your comments make sense. Breaking up with my wife would be so much easier if I could hate her, she has become a sister to me though and that just isn't right is it. I can't be physically close to her and I'm sure she too knows this isn't right. I need to find some brave pills.

 

As for the OW we had a good talk yesterday and she cried buckets about the situation. I think for her it boils down to she does love her fiance, but I think she loves me more but is worried that we are in an excited "honeymoon" period (despite us seeing each other for the last 8 months) and what if it doesn't last. I strongly feel she shouldnt marry him even if she doesnt wind up with me, I just don't know how to tell her.

 

I know people have mentioned that I cant change what she will do, but is it right to sit back and let her marry if thats what she decides to do?

 

You did love your wife, deeply at one point, yes?

 

Did you two talk and go to marriage counselling, try to work it out at all in the past? Or have you been keeping this (how you feel about her and the marriage) inside you?

 

See, it looks like you werent' getting your needs met by your wife and instead of talking about it, you let yourself close off to her emotionally and that is how your heart opened up to another woman...It's dangerous when one spouse stops feeling that emotional (and physical) intimacy with their spouse.

 

Yes, the OW makes you FEEL and it's all based on selfish feelings right now. ALL the good stuff that starts off in every relationship. Who knows if two have what it takes to last forever...But if she is still really wanting to marry her fiance, you need to let her go. That's her choice, not yours to make.

 

If the OW isn't in your life, then maybe, just maybe you and your wife could work things out...Unless you can honestly say you want OUT and divorce either way, no matter what happens with the OW.

 

Get some counselling in to help you cope with this, and talk to your wife. Who knows, maybe she's just as miserable as you and wants out as well. Or maybe she'll fight hard to work on the marriage and you'll be surprised that the feelings are still there...

[bigblueeyes]

Hi Bob, I have to echo what the others are saying. You have to separate the two issues even though it is hard.

 

I left my fiance and cancelled the wedding after getting involved with a MM, because the A made me realise there were some very fundamental problems in my relationship with my ex.

 

I do not regret breaking up with my ex. But I do regret getting involved with a MM. He should have dealt with his problems instead of hiding from them in my bed, causing his wife and me a lot of pain.

 

I have been through two D-days now and he is no closer to leaving his W or letting go of me. It is a terrible situation and a right mess, which I wouldn't even wish on my worst enemy.

 

So please do the right thing. Be honest with yourself and your wife. Deal with those issues first. Then you can go find what makes you happy. You may even redicover why you fell in love with your wife to begin with, realise how much you appreciate what she does for you and can give you.

 

But remember true happiness comes from within and should not be dependent on another person in your life.

 

Be happy that the OW may have opened your eyes to some problems you were hiding from yourself. Deal with them in a resposible way.

 

And if in the end, you do decide to leave your wife, but you still have no chance of being with OW, then don't feel sad about losing two relationships, which at the end of the day both are unsatisfying for you. Instead feel relieved that you have a chance to make things better for yourself.

[Bob_999]

Hi Bigblueeyes,

 

Thanks for your post you make some good points. I know people have commented on how it is the OW's choice whether to marry or not, but trying to put my feelings aside isn't it obviously wrong for her to go through with the marriage unless she is absolutely sure she wants to be with her fiancé for the rest of her life? As she says she loves me she can’t be sure. I don’t want her to make a big mistake. I’m sure she has stronger feelings for me than her fiancé, but is worried it won’t last.

 

To give some background, I have tried a couple of times to talk to my wife about how I feel. This always leads to an obviously emotional situation and she becomes distraught and begs me not to go. I do love her and it kills me to see her so upset when we have these discussions, so I have always backed down. I'm sure some people will comment that I am just being weak and should tell her straight and leave, but I hate seeing people upset and especially at my hand. The only comparison I can make is it is like telling your sister you never want to see her again. She is a companion and a friend, but the spark has gone.

 

Why has the spark gone? Good question. It wasn't like I woke one morning and it had gone so we could sit down and talk about it. It seems to have been a gradual thing over the last 3-4 years. I guess we have both changed as we have aged and become less close.

 

Can we get the spark back? My feeling tells me no, when we kiss goodnight it is how you would kiss a relative and anything more doesn’t feel right and I'm not sure how this can change, talking I'm sure will help us understand how we feel, but can it change how I feel?

[whichwayisup]

To give some background, I have tried a couple of times to talk to my wife about how I feel. This always leads to an obviously emotional situation and she becomes distraught and begs me not to go. I do love her and it kills me to see her so upset when we have these discussions, so I have always backed down. I'm sure some people will comment that I am just being weak and should tell her straight and leave, but I hate seeing people upset and especially at my hand. The only comparison I can make is it is like telling your sister you never want to see her again. She is a companion and a friend, but the spark has gone.

 

Yes, it is on your hands that you can't stand up to your wife and truely talk to her honestly and still work through this. If you're happier to cheat on her, to keep her quiet and happy so you don't feel bad, then continue on the path you're on. Its not very nice to stay with someone because you're scared of hurting them. Trust me, when the time comes she finds out (she could, so never say never) that you've fallen inlove with another woman and STILL stayed in the marriage, she's going to feel like a fool and be even more hurt than she is now.

 

I still think some marriage counselling would do you good, atleast individual counselling for now.

 

Bottomline, you're unhappy in the marriage, get out if you can't see yourself wanting it to work out, or even try. It's not fair to your wife, even if right now she may not understand or want to see that it is for the best.