Jerry928 Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 Hi, I have been with this girl for a little over 2.5 years. I am her first true boyfriend, and this is basically my first true serious relationship. She is 20 and I am 21 now. When we started going out she was the one that was really chasing after me and was more insecure of herself. We hit it off very well. After 1.5 yrs or so she has become much more confident of herself especially physically. We talk to eachother every single night and see eachother about 2-3 times a week. I am usually the one that is always busy, and was the one who had to postpone things, but recently the past 2-3 months, I have had much more time on my hands and am giving her much more attention... It all started when she got a new job. I became very jealous and worried because 1. this guy that gave her the job is someone who she really looks up to and admires because of his career (she wants to follow in his footsteps) 2. he pays her under the table 3. in the first 3 days of work she really has nothing to so he sends her home early WITH PAY. 4. he flirts with her on/off - hot/cold, she doesnt flirt back she claims. 5. he promises her bogus stuff like ill give you the key to the office, we will get you a new computer, and will fly you out to yadda yadda this summer etc etc. At this point I became too too worried. I think I was more worried than jealous, but of course it was a bit of both. I admit I got out of hand and I was very over protective of her eg. asked many questions, found reasons for her to quit and that led to arguments. She said she can see how shady he is but she hopes that he will help her start off her career because he promised her. She finally quit after the 4th day ...why? because he promised her the key, but he never gave it to her so she had to wait outside his office for 2hrs because he was late. After she told me that of course I was relieved, but I felt bad. I knew I messed up. Ever since then (a month ago) the relationship has been a bit lethargic (on her side). So I tried to be less protective. I am currently giving her her space, but indirectly (dont call as much and hangout as much). I always look forward to see and talk to her but I dont think she is as much as me. We still hangout and talk, but its just a bit dull. giving her her space helps especially if it has been a while because when we do see eachother we are much more active and excited together. fyi: she really does not have any good friends, i am her best friend. she has grown to be a very attractive girl now and is getting alot of attention from other guys. she is confident with herself now. well, lately she has been talking about other guys, and "he did this, and he has that" a few hrs ago she asked me if i wanted to hang out with her and her new guy friend, that she talks about all the time, late at night. I thought about it, but knew it was for the best if I let her do her own thing because I want to trust her, and be confident. So i told her calmly "no thank you, but you can go if you want." She told me she is not sure if she wants to go since its kinda late to go out and asked me "are you sure your ok with it?" I confidently said "yes." is this girl bored of me? did i come off too insecure during that situation? is she not attracted to me anymore because of it? or is she just trying to get me jealous?? ...thanks for reading my long story, I just want your input and advice. it is much appreciated
mikicmikido Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 I think that she is at a change phase of her life, new job, new friends etc. I think that it has nothing to do with you really and that if you want to hang on to her that you should try to be as supportive as you can be while she is in this intimidating situation. Does she have a new job? Try to remember how scary it is to start a new job, new people blah blah blah especially when she has now quit after 4 days. High stress and very disappointing. Meanwhile you are backing off? I think that you should get back in the game and show her why you are so great! Help her get excited about finding a new job, meet her new friends, join her as she carves out her new space in the world or you will find that you are no longer a part of it. This will take a lot of self-confidence on your part. Leave the insecurities at the door. Meet the guy friend, maybe he isn't a threat at all and you will see this for yourself. She is not cheating on you with him, if she were, she wouldn't mention him and would be seeing him somewhat secretly. Don't be a baby. Be a strong, self assured man that would LOVE to meet her friends. Nothing more attractive than a confident man.
Advocate's_Devil Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 Actually if your mate mentions a friend of the opposite sex a lot, it usually is one of the signs of an affair.
Guest Posted April 14, 2007 Posted April 14, 2007 I think that she is at a change phase of her life, new job, new friends etc. I think that it has nothing to do with you really and that if you want to hang on to her that you should try to be as supportive as you can be while she is in this intimidating situation. Does she have a new job? Try to remember how scary it is to start a new job, new people blah blah blah especially when she has now quit after 4 days. High stress and very disappointing. Meanwhile you are backing off? I think that you should get back in the game and show her why you are so great! Help her get excited about finding a new job, meet her new friends, join her as she carves out her new space in the world or you will find that you are no longer a part of it. This will take a lot of self-confidence on your part. Leave the insecurities at the door. Meet the guy friend, maybe he isn't a threat at all and you will see this for yourself. She is not cheating on you with him, if she were, she wouldn't mention him and would be seeing him somewhat secretly. Don't be a baby. Be a strong, self assured man that would LOVE to meet her friends. Nothing more attractive than a confident man. i greatly appreciate your response. what you said above is great advice and along the lines of what i have been thinking about.
Walk Posted April 14, 2007 Posted April 14, 2007 I have to agree with mikicmikido on this. You've stepped out of the game, and someone else is going to snag her if you don't step back in soon. I think you made a mistake in telling her to have fun with her male friend. I realize you were trying to show her you are confident and trust her... but it also implies that it's appropriate, acceptable, behavior. That hanging out with other men late at night alone is just fine with you. There's a cut-off between confident and stupid, and I think you crossed it. Just from my perspective, I think confidence is stating when you feel something crosses the line, and willing to deal with the situation no matter what the outcome is. Being confident in your abilities to come out on the other side a better person. You basically gave her the big green light to develop a one on one relationship with another man. Giving her your full hearted approval on a late night meeting with another man established that you don't have a line. Even your gf said that she felt it might be crossing it. You denied it, and told her that you were fine with it. You swung too far in the opposite direction from where you were. You need to find that center line. You went from overly concerned, almost controlling, to not even bothering to attempt to protect the relationship. And if you aren't going to attempt to moderately protect the bond you two share, then what reason would she have for wanting to stay?
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