Lights Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 Oftentimes people say that one should consider a rejection as being the other person's loss (and presumably not in any way one's own). What are effective ways of communicating to the other that they missed out and lost their chance? I've found saying "that's too bad" or "your loss" as having been ineffective in evoking the feeling of "Damn, I missed out." (Although in cases of being ignored outright, saying "Fine, don't even say hi" has a significant chance of disorienting them, but not causing the desired effect.) Personally I'm having a hard time getting accustomed to such a belief, mainly because increasingly scarce time and even scarcer emotional resources are being spent (lost) in such situations, but if anyone knows more about how it's done, I'd appreciate your input.
dgiirl Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 Why do you want to convey such a message to the person who rejected you? People are entitled to their own feelings and just because you might be attracted to one person does not mean they _have_ to recripocate. Give people the same respect you would like to receive. If someone was attracted to you and you could not recripocate, would you feel good if they conveyed such a message to you? Or would you feel manipulated?
pelagicsands Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 You could try, "It's your loss, dude." (The dude adds a certain aloofness, don't you think?) Give people the same respect you would like to receive. Wow. I was quite surprised by this statement. It actually makes sense.
Sacstroker Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 If it was truly 'their loss' you wouldn't have to say that. You simply wouldn't care. -> -> -> ->
Author Lights Posted April 13, 2007 Author Posted April 13, 2007 You could try, "It's your loss, dude." (The dude adds a certain aloofness, don't you think?) Hehe, I'm actually not into dudes though. If it was truly 'their loss' you wouldn't have to say that. You simply wouldn't care. Probably so. That's another place where I'm getting confused about it all. Why do you want to convey such a message to the person who rejected you? People are entitled to their own feelings and just because you might be attracted to one person does not mean they _have_ to recripocate. Give people the same respect you would like to receive. If someone was attracted to you and you could not recripocate, would you feel good if they conveyed such a message to you? Or would you feel manipulated? I don't know. Maybe I've bought too much into what has passed for popular wisdom these days.
monkey00 Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 The only real way a person can see they lost out on a good chance with a person is for that person not to wallow but move on. A person only possesses value for those that see it in him/her. And to show off that value, show you are a respectable person and have moved on..perhaps dating others or possibly even be a charming and optimistic person who's highly sociable, perhaps ambitious and going somewhere iwth your life, etc.. The more you try to make a person jealous, instead of moving on physically and mentally - you're only hurting yourself.
Author Lights Posted April 13, 2007 Author Posted April 13, 2007 The more you try to make a person jealous, instead of moving on physically and mentally - you're only hurting yourself. I must have not written my original post too well (for which I apologize). It wasn't about making someone jealous--life is fast-moving and either I am or they are already gone by the time such an exchange is over. I'm just pretty confungled about how the whole "it's their loss" thing was supposed to work. show you are a respectable person and have moved on..perhaps dating others or possibly even be a charming and optimistic person who's highly sociable, perhaps ambitious and going somewhere iwth your life, etc.. I'm not sure I understand this--how does who I am or am not dating at a given time or where my life is going at that time even factor in?
monkey00 Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 I must have not written my original post too well (for which I apologize). It wasn't about making someone jealous--life is fast-moving and either I am or they are already gone by the time such an exchange is over. I'm just pretty confungled about how the whole "it's their loss" thing was supposed to work. I dont know, might be misinterpreting your post a bit. Anyway i dont think the 'too bad, it's your loss' thing really works, even if you try to make it clear. It's more of a realization or an 'epiphany', when the person realizes your value or you are the prize when you're no longer within their reach. I'm not sure I understand this--how does who I am or am not dating at a given time or where my life is going at that time even factor in? It definitely factors in, look at my paragraph above. There are key elements that make you not only attractive as a person but also attractive to someone else who doesnt need a woman to make him happy, as he has other things going for him.
LaughMachine Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 It's always " their loss". It's always the ex's fault. It's always their problem. We come here and breifly give our " innocent " sides of things. Sometimes though, It is actually...sadly our loss :-( Sorry if I missed the point to this thread. I just read the subject and wanted to rant on two sentences heeh
Author Lights Posted April 13, 2007 Author Posted April 13, 2007 It definitely factors in, look at my paragraph above. There are key elements that make you not only attractive as a person but also attractive to someone else who doesnt need a woman to make him happy, as he has other things going for him. Maybe, but that's making a rather strange assumption that the next such person who deals such a rejection would know ahead of time who I'm dating or not or where my life is going. Anyway i dont think the 'too bad, it's your loss' thing really works, even if you try to make it clear. It's always " their loss". It's always the ex's fault. It's always their problem. We come here and breifly give our " innocent " sides of things. Sometimes though, It is actually...sadly our loss :-( ... I see. So I suppose I should conclude that I bought into an urban myth then?
Pyro Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 It's always " their loss". It's always the ex's fault. It's always their problem. We come here and breifly give our " innocent " sides of things. Sometimes though, It is actually...sadly our loss :-( Sorry if I missed the point to this thread. I just read the subject and wanted to rant on two sentences heeh Sadly, sometimes that is the case, but the point is to turn a negative into a positive and that positive is a learning experience. Use it, learn from it, and don't make the same mistakes in the future.
boshemia Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 Actually the "it's their loss" thing is supposed to be for you, not for them. It's not that you are the be all end all, or that you were totally innocent in any problems that happened in the relationship. It's that a mature person learns from their mistakes, and doesn't beat themselves up for it. People don't leave a relationship because of "you" they leave a relationship because for one reason or another they didn't feel that they were compatible with you. So when they say something lame like "It's not you it's me" they really are being honest... only it's more like "it's not you it's us" Once you move past taking a break-up as a personal rejection, and accepting it as what's fun is fun, and what's done is done... it's a lot easier to just move on and still like yourself. When you like yourself, other people see that and respond to it... even your ex.
Author Lights Posted April 13, 2007 Author Posted April 13, 2007 Actually the "it's their loss" thing is supposed to be for you, not for them. It's not that you are the be all end all, or that you were totally innocent in any problems that happened in the relationship. It's that a mature person learns from their mistakes, and doesn't beat themselves up for it. When you like yourself, other people see that and respond to it... even your ex. I suppose so. I was discussing this more in the context of an approach/date rejection, not a breakup, but someone decided to bring up exes and switch the context on us.
monkey00 Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 Maybe, but that's making a rather strange assumption that the next such person who deals such a rejection would know ahead of time who I'm dating or not or where my life is going. Maybe, or maybe not. It depends on how far you've gotten to know the person to know what material they're made of. But most people probably wouldve never gotten that far unless they are one of your close friends, family, or gf/ex of so many years. In this day and age, who really has the time to really get to know someone, or at least try to figure them out. At different times people can be so unpredictable, so you never really know. But realistically speaking, the 'your loss' thing is probably more of an ego thing.
boshemia Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 I suppose so. I was discussing this more in the context of an approach/date rejection, not a breakup, but someone decided to bring up exes and switch the context on us. That happens a lot on LS, sometimes the original post takes off on its own tangent lol. Just keep redirecting us, we'll catch up eventually. Still applicable, I can accept that not everyone is into me, even as a friend or what have you. I'm an eccentric sort, so some people get a little freaked out by my outgoing and let it all hang out personality. I tend to say what I think, and have very little censorship between my brain and my mouth. I'm kind of like sauerkraut, people either love me or hate me, but are very rarely neutral... So rejection isn't so much personal as a matter of taste lol. No, really... if you can actually say you like yourself, then it doesn't really put too big of a dent in your self-esteem if someone isn't into you. You shrug your shoulders and move on... when people see that they really do wonder what it is they're missing. Think about it in the opposite terms, say a girl hits on you and you blow her off. Then she goes back to her friends, laughing and cutting up and another guy approaches her. Are you going to wonder if maybe you just missed out on something?
Trialbyfire Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 "It's your loss" is about self-valuation. If you value what you can bring to the table and someone can't see it, truly, it's their loss. You can't make anyone appreciate the loss but who cares. Don't define yourself by what others think of you. Define and value yourself by your own principles and scale. If something you're doing devalues you, fix it and move on. Fixing things includes fixing your own scale, if it's unreasonable. Keep doing this and in a few years time, you'll find that your confidence level will have increased.
boshemia Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 "It's your loss" is about self-valuation. If you value what you can bring to the table and someone can't see it, truly, it's their loss. You can't make anyone appreciate the loss but who cares. Don't define yourself by what others think of you. Define and value yourself by your own principles and scale. If something you're doing devalues you, fix it and move on. Fixing things includes fixing your own scale, if it's unreasonable. Keep doing this and in a few years time, you'll find that your confidence level will have increased. Yeah what Trialbyfire said, it makes more sense that way, I'm just sleepy lol.
Author Lights Posted April 13, 2007 Author Posted April 13, 2007 So rejection isn't so much personal as a matter of taste lol. No, really... if you can actually say you like yourself, then it doesn't really put too big of a dent in your self-esteem if someone isn't into you. You shrug your shoulders and move on... when people see that they really do wonder what it is they're missing. That's what I don't seem to be finding. Moving on is a given (by then either I am or they are already gone), but I've seen no evidence that anyone actually does wonder as such. (But I make no claim to being a mind-reader, and I suppose it doesn't logically seem to matter whether they do think it's their loss when I and they are already gone.) Think about it in the opposite terms, say a girl hits on you and you blow her off. Then she goes back to her friends, laughing and cutting up and another guy approaches her. Are you going to wonder if maybe you just missed out on something? No idea. Nothing remotely like any of that has ever happened in my life. I'm not in any rush to deal with anyone cutting something up though. "It's your loss" is about self-valuation. If you value what you can bring to the table and someone can't see it, truly, it's their loss. You can't make anyone appreciate the loss but who cares. Don't define yourself by what others think of you. Define and value yourself by your own principles and scale. If something you're doing devalues you, fix it and move on. Fixing things includes fixing your own scale, if it's unreasonable. Keep doing this and in a few years time, you'll find that your confidence level will have increased. If you'll pardon some honest ignorance, I don't really understand what you mean by valuing and by table.
Trialbyfire Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 Do you like and respect yourself? If so, you value yourself. Bring to the table means bringing something into your interaction with others. I'm guessing the term came from boardroom negotiations.
Author Lights Posted April 15, 2007 Author Posted April 15, 2007 Do you like and respect yourself? If so, you value yourself. Bring to the table means bringing something into your interaction with others. I'm guessing the term came from boardroom negotiations. Oh ok. Well in these cases then the interactions were cut off (in the case of rejections) or did not really even happen (in the cases of being ignored outright). I can only bring whatever I know how to do to an interaction.
applejacks Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 I don't ever try to make a person feel regretful for turning me down. It doesn't really do anything, it's not effective to making that person like you at all or any more. If I did however want a girl to feel that way, I would never just outright say something like that to them. That makes you seem insecure and petty. If you want them to feel like they are missing out, openly flirt with other women around them and let them know she isn't your only option.
Trialbyfire Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 What you're talking about is self-validation, not self-valuation. If someone doesn't value you enough to continue interacting with you, walk away. It really is their loss for not getting to know you.
Author Lights Posted April 16, 2007 Author Posted April 16, 2007 If you want them to feel like they are missing out, openly flirt with other women around them and let them know she isn't your only option. That requires some rather strange assumptions, doesn't it? I don't know ahead of time how many other women will be in any immediate area I might be in and within distance for socializing, nor how receptive they will be to flirting if present. What you're talking about is self-validation, not self-valuation. If someone doesn't value you enough to continue interacting with you, walk away. What is self-validation? Well walking away is a given (as I mentioned before, life is fast-paced and either I or they will already have walked on by by the time such a rejection has been dealt). It really is their loss for not getting to know you. I guess this brings this conversation back full circle; how do I make it not also my loss? Scarce time and emotional resources get spent in these things. Everyone, sorry if I'm coming across so dense.
nicki Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 If you have invested emotionally in the other person, then it's always a bit of your loss, too. Nothing you can do about that, except to mitigate the damages by saying "It's his/her loss." And it really is. Moving on is hard, but train your brain to say "It's his/her loss." so you don't feel bad about yourself. Then get out there and flirt with new people. It helps, too.
nicki Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 Trialbyfire, I really like what you said about "fixing something you are doing that devalues you." You made me realize that some of my current behavior with my boyfriend devalues me. And I'm doing it. It doesn't matter what HE is doing, my behavior is devaluing ME. So I'm stopping it, fixing it, and moving on. Thanks for the wake up call. Sorry to hijack the thread. Back to original programming.
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