searchingforanswers Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 On Christmas Eve my ex-fiance and I went to do some last minute Christmas shopping. I thought our relationship was great. On the way to the store she was acting weird. She had been distant for 2 days. I said it was making me nervous and said it made me think she didn't want to get married. She said, "I don't." I was floored. I got really angry because she told me she was leaving because of my mother and that she had an epiphany about not wanting to get married. I felt I had been so supportive of her in her family struggles and I felt really unsupported by her in mine. We seemed open in our communication and even talked about how we talked about everything. We did,however, fight about this one thing - each other's in-laws. I thought it was normal. We were engaged and fighting about our in-laws. It seemed like everyone I knew was fighting with their in-laws. I didn't think it was the end of the world. Yes, our fights got heated, but we were experiencing external stress from our families, jobs and a surgery she was going through over this time. During the final two months of the relationship she wanted to go to couple's counseling. I did not. I didn't see the need and was adamant about it. I saw us as a very happy couple and she hadn't provided a reason for couples therapy that I grasped. She said we need to deal with our family issues. I felt these were normal issues and that running to couples therapy would set a bad precedent - would we run there for EVERY little problem? I told her how I didn't want to go, but reluctantly would if she really thought it was necessary. My reason for not wanting to go was that we both just entered singles counseling to deal with our parental issues. She had gone 3x, I had gone 2x. I thought adding couple's counseling seemed excessive. We didn't go. This is something I'm harping on right now. I know I shouldn't be. I've beaten myself up over a lot of things. I don't understand why she walked away. I feel it was miscommunication. I did end up sending her a few letters of apology recently explaining myself in regards to the issues she gave as the reasons for leaving. I felt silenced and wanted to be heard. The things she claimed to leave me over were EXACTLY what I had been in counseling to address. So why walk when this gets laid out on the table? I still have a text message she sent me a few weeks before the split talking about he she loves me so much and how I show my love in so many ways she can't begin to list them. 2 weeks before she left me she threw me a HUGE 30th birthday party - the dinner tab alone was over a grand, she had cupcakes and a theme and party favors waiting at the bar we went to. The week that she left me she sent me contact info for a real estate broker she found for purchasing an apartment, we exchanged 13 emails about it complete with the lovey-dovey I miss being near you stuff. That week she shared an embarrassing secret she had never told anyone before. She sent me her SS number and file number for some paperwork I needed to fill out. She introduced me to her coworkers. On a second night she took me to her school and I met some of her students. This all happened the week she left me. And when she left me she turned ON A DIME. She saw me once - a week and a half after we split and then a few days later when we spoke she said she was sure she wanted to end it. I wished her well and said we needed to square up on things and finances. I started to list a few things and she FLIPPED OUT on me. She called me sick and disgusting. She called me a monster and blamed me for one night of particularly overly-aggressive (think carnal) sex and then hung up on me. I felt this was unfair because we had very aggressive, physical encounters regularly and she was always into them, she was often more expressive both physically and verbally than I was. She went into NC mode and had my things delivered back to me through the couple that introduced us. I did not understand this AT ALL. I don't get NC - my feeling is tell me the truth and confront me. You already hurt me by leaving. Now be completely honest with me and explain this in terms I can understand. As a dumpee I feel I deserve it. I called her and she didn't call me back. So I sent her a NASTY letter. I don't regret a single mean spirited thing I said. But I regret that I sent it. I regret sending it because I feel I then became everything I accused her of being. She has since changed her number and has clearly let it be known that she does not want any contact from me at all. The break up was 4 months ago and it became incredibly ugly. I can't believe how it unraveled so quickly. Especially b/c the relationship I was in seemed like everything I ever wanted. The sound of her voice and the longing is getting quieter, but I still want to understand this. I want to understand why she left in the manner in which she left. I want to understand why she refused to listen to me after the split when i was explaining how i saw her point of view, but I was dealing with these exact issues. I feel like the lights went out and she is a completely different person right now. ive dated. I have fun on my dates, but I don't want a relationship. I still miss my ex and a part of me, sadly, would even take her back. I know i shouldn't, but i feel like she was exactly what I wanted in a mate. I thought I was a fantastic partner. I wasn't perfect but I was the best I was capable of being. I know I've learned a lot and I have grown in and out of the relationship, but I still long for the partnership we shared and the dreams of a future we were building together. Can anyone offer any insight on how to completely let go?
Shadowdog36 Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 What? You didn't hear about the magic pill that we all took on here? We'll send you one, and that should clear things up for you. Searching....reading your post, you sound like an intelligent person. You already know the answer to your last question: How to completely let go...time then more time, then after that, more time. But you know all of this! This girl really did go nuts on you, and you'll probably have 1000 questions that you want answered. The reality is, you may never get those answers, so stop asking them. Sending the letter...really does make you feel sh*tty afterwards, huh? Kind of stooping to their level. Hate that!!! Sounds like she was big on the counceling. To me, that should be temporary. Maybe I'm wrong, and I welcome other opinions, but when someone needs to go to counceling for all their problems, it sounds like they can't/won't deal with them on their own. The girl that I was with had some pretty major commitment issues, and she did, roughly, the same thing to me...cut me off completely without an explanation. My theory: They're trying to convince themselves that they really don't want to be with you. By admitting that the issues lie with them, it becomes something that they need to address, their problem. By convincing themselves that it's not their fault, it's less earth-shattering to them and they can cope easier. It's a coping/defense mechanism. By allowing themselves contact with you, and talking through the issues, they may, in fact, discover that they have the problem. Hence...it's easier for them to ignore you, make you crazy, make you write the mean letter, so they can say..."Good thing I got out of that. He was nuts!" Then again, maybe I am nuts.
Author searchingforanswers Posted April 13, 2007 Author Posted April 13, 2007 Then again, maybe I am nuts. It's funny you ended your post with this line. It's something I've been saying a lot. Things don't add up completely, so you begin to wonder whether you're the crazy one. Thanks for your reply. Unfortunately, I agree with you on the time issue. I'm sure we all want to FF to the point where time isn't an issue anymore. The old skin has shed and the new skin fits nicely. That magic pill would be nice though. I appreciate you taking the time out. In my head I know I'll never get the answers I seek or the opportunity to discuss with her how things got so screwed up over the break up. I don't like to be dismissive and shoulder blame all on her, but she seemed to throw all the blame on me. Your point was well taken. It doesn't make it any better knowing that she's out there thinking it's MY fault and I'm screwed up, but I guess letting go is all about not sweating this stuff anymore. Thanks again.
Shadowdog36 Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 The hardest part of my experience is that we were so open with each other, and in the blink of an eye, I was cut off. We would talk for hours, about some pretty deep issues, things that we felt, that we hoped for. Then, nothing. I felt like a broke crackhead looking for my next fix. Did I go crazy? Yeah, maybe a little, and that did NOT help my situation. If you can, walk away with your dignity intact. For such a long time, I thought if I could just have that last conversation with her, I could walk away peacefully. Sadly, she never gave me that opportunity. Still don't know why. How I came up with my 'theory' on why it happened the way it did. It's amazing what you can convince yourself of when you're the only one doing the talking...
Author searchingforanswers Posted April 14, 2007 Author Posted April 14, 2007 Reading your comments I feel like I'm reading my own mind. I thank you for sharing. There is something oddly comforting about knowing you are not the only one who has ever been in this place. It's wierd, i don't like it but I find myself rooting for other couples to break up. I hear couples fighting - people with NO connection to me whatsoever - and I want them to share my experience. Even tv shows I root for things to not work out. I don't want to watch happy endings. I don't think this is healthy, but I guess it's part of my way of emoting. As in your situation, my former fiance and I also were very connected and open. We talked about important stuff - raising kids, how we would support ourselves and reach our goals, where we would live and how we would afford it. We budgeted, we planned. We really talked. That stuff did take a backseat in the final two months but she was also going through a surgery that caused her a big scare. We shared so many passions and much of that has been tainted. I've always been a HUGE baseball fan and while she didn't share the same level of enthusiasm she came from a big sports family and it was a topic of bonding. The first thing her dad asked me at dinner when I met him was what baseball team I rooted for. This year, I watch but the excitement isn't there. Plus I ACTIVELY root against her hometown team. Sort of wishing some level of suffering on the entire family for what she did. I am leaving my neighborhood because there are so many attachments to her here. I'm moving to the neighborhood we planned on moving too, I feel it's a strength think. Sort of saying I'll do it on my own. But as moving day draws closer I wonder if it is a bad idea. I have some fears about it. Anyway, I guess when someone walks out like that you wind up being forced to have these internal conversations and try and put the pieces together alone. You look for anything to grab on to. Like yourself, I also have the wish to have one final conversation to say my goodbye and end things peacefully. Admit what was learned. Set a few things straight. Etc. I feel like she got what she needed to say out through the break up and then I spent months on the defensive. I wear my emotions on my sleeve, so when i sent my unanswered letters I pretty much sent my dignity up the creek. I was apologizing for my "mistakes." But in the end I was really apologizing for being human. I really feel if the worst I did was sent a few letters and pulled a drop by then it's not so bad. Anyway, it's tragic that we as the dumpee don't get to have a say in any of this and so often get silenced. I've read a number of posts on here and it seems so many people are in the same boat. When things are going right everything jsut seems to be working, but when something like this happens it shows you how complicated these things really are. Sometimes I wish I was like a dog or a lion or a horse - they don't have these worries that we do. One tidbit that doesn't make any sense, but I learned from by drop by was that my ex claimed her lack of contact was her trying to be nice to me. I don't know how not returning phone calls and not being willing to see/talk to the person you were engaged to and dumped on Christmas Eve is nice. But as you pointed out, when you are alone conversing with yourself, you can convince yourself of anything. The last thing I want is to be bitter or guarded in my future relationships. I'm sure there is a level of inevitability of this, but I am hopeful I can remain open. She wasn't the first to love me and now it appears she won't be the last either.
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