Guest Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 Ready to leave. Want to minimize her pain. There is someone else. She doesn't know nor do I want her to. What do I give her as a reason? We have 4 kids all under 15.
LakesideDream Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 Man up, you are acting like a punk. You made four children with her, now you must be responsible for those children until they are grown. The fact that you "have someone else" is moot. Your responsibility lies with your offspring. You created this situation, it's time to uncreate it. Be a man, and a father. Be as good a husband as you can. It may turn out to be difficult, however it is the defining moment of your life.
Gunny376 Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 Man up, you are acting like a punk. You made four children with her, now you must be responsible for those children until they are grown. The fact that you "have someone else" is moot. Your responsibility lies with your offspring. You created this situation, it's time to uncreate it. Be a man, and a father. Be as good a husband as you can. It may turn out to be difficult, however it is the defining moment of your life. Whoooppppps! There it is!
Mustang Sally Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 Ok, I don't think just because you might get D'd means you can not be a good father. You can still be there for your kids if you want to. But a lot harder work to be an involved father when you don't live with your kids 24/7. At best, you would have a good joint custody agreement, right? Are you really up for the kind of work it would take to be the father your kids need whilst living separate from them? If not, then you need to get your priorities straightened out. Although on the other hand, if you answered "No" to the questions in paragraph 2, above, that you DO really need to leave the M so your STBXW can be the grown-up and set a good example for the kids. As far as reasons are concerned, if you can't deal with the truth in the R you are currently in, why do you think the next one will be any different?
quankanne Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 I honestly don't think there's a way to minimize the pain of leaving your spouse – kinda like knowing you're going to have to pull out a thumbtack you've stepped on and having to decide whether it's best to ease the sucker out or just yank it and get it overwith. Because either way, you're left feeling the sting of pain from the thing. my suggestion is to be honest with her. If you want a divorce, you have absolutely no interest in marriage counselling, and you're doing it because you've got another prospect lined up, tell her. It'd be much, much worse lying about any of those things and she later finds out about that lie ... as for the kids, someone else pointed out that while you may not be sharing the same house with their mother, that shouldn't affect the kind of relationship you have with them if you're up front and honest with them. Even a little kid will understand "I love your mommy in my own special way, but I didn't want to live in the same house with her" and cope better with it than if one or both of you start slamming each other ... this is just personal observation from watching how my three sibs handle their divorces with their kids. My one sister who assured her children that just because mommy and daddy didn't stay married, that didn't mean they didn't love their kids to pieces ... and I think both of my nephews are better off because of that now that they're adults. Meaning, my sis and her ex didn't use them as pawns in their divorce. but I digress – my vote goes toward being honest about why you want to leave her. It's not going to make that gobsmack any less painful, but the lack of lying will keep things simple, in a sense ...
Guest Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 Not abandoning our kids either. What can I say just dont want to be with her and want to be with someone else. It's because of this that I want out. I respect her and I am simply seeking advice as to wheher or not it is best to tell her there is someone else. If I tell her that would she believe nothing had happened? Even if she did is it a slap in the face? The truth is she has not been a very good wife but I am trying to spare her my saying that. Ready to leave. Want to minimize her pain. There is someone else. She doesn't know nor do I want her to. What do I give her as a reason? We have 4 kids all under 15.
quiet1one1 Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 Ready to leave. Want to minimize her pain. There is someone else. She doesn't know nor do I want her to. What do I give her as a reason? We have 4 kids all under 15. MINIMIZE HER PAIN!?!?! Are you kidding us??? What you've done to her and your kids shows you don't give a damn about her pain.
SoleMate Posted April 14, 2007 Posted April 14, 2007 If you want to truly minimize her pain and still leave her, then I am afraid you do owe her the truth. There is just no way that an unbelievable lie is going to make this easier. The easiest will be if you actually let her know what the deal of her marriage is and has been. Have the courtesy and consideration to at least tell her what she's been up against. There's just no chance that a lie will ease her mind. I assure you, it will prolong the torture. So here's your last chance to do the least slimy thing possible given your decision to leave her.
Trialbyfire Posted April 14, 2007 Posted April 14, 2007 Ok, I don't think just because you might get D'd means you can not be a good father. You can still be there for your kids if you want to. But a lot harder work to be an involved father when you don't live with your kids 24/7. At best, you would have a good joint custody agreement, right? Are you really up for the kind of work it would take to be the father your kids need whilst living separate from them? If not, then you need to get your priorities straightened out. Although on the other hand, if you answered "No" to the questions in paragraph 2, above, that you DO really need to leave the M so your STBXW can be the grown-up and set a good example for the kids. As far as reasons are concerned, if you can't deal with the truth in the R you are currently in, why do you think the next one will be any different? I agree with this synopsis and the suggestions for honesty. Man up.
sumdude Posted April 14, 2007 Posted April 14, 2007 Are you absolutley, positively sure that you have tried everything and feel there is no hope for your marriage? Is it just the sex or emotional magic lacking? Cause guess what, at some point that 'magic' will dissapear from your affair relationship too. Do you really think your other relationship will be so perfect once you leave the wife and kids? Do you realize the incredible complications and implications financially and otherwise of divorce? Most of your paycheck will go to the wife and kids. This will most definitley cause big stress on other relationships. Think long and hard and seriously do a big pro and con sitdown with yourself. If you decide to move on make it quick and honest. I belive a shorter term big pain is far preferable to a long drawn out stringing along with unanswered questions nagging. Believe me, once you say you want a divorce the first thing in her mind will already be that there's someone else. Think of it this way. If you had to have an arm cut off would you rather it happen fast or slow? Because emotionally that's what it feels like to the other person. The dishonesty and idea that you're letting her down easy will actually be more painful for her in the long run.
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