Chinook Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 Okay, I've been dating a guy for around four months or so. At the start the relationship was pretty cool. We saw each other regularly and got along really well. Over the last 3-4 weeks things have gotten a little ugly. We're constantly arguing and more importantly, I'm made to feel a few things and I don't like how it feels... I'm always to blame - for speaking up when something isn't right (no I'm not a whiney type - an example was texting a girlfriend that he would eat edible pants if she was wearing them) Due to the above issue - I feel like I've been disempowered and silenced and can't voice how I feel. He doesn't tell me how he feels, whether he thinks I'm pretty or how I make him feel. I have to ask about his day, work, life in general. He's called me several derogatory names which made me feel uncomfortable. He's very good at telling me what it is that he does for me (like he's prepared to help with my marathon training etc) I feel like he has a respect-for-women issue. I've never really had a problem with this before and how to communicate with a guy - but it's almost like my views on things don't matter and he doesn't really see things which are important to me as being of any value. These are just examples off the top of my head. Basically, in the last few weeks quite a number of relationship-red-flags have come along and made me question whether I really want to stay with this person. A few years ago I was treated for breast cancer and so life to me is pretty precious - I don't take liberties with it. So I've grown into the place where I think it's time to go our separate ways. The problem is, he's a head-gamer. I find in conversations that he's very manipulative and I find myself agreeing to things I didn't really want to do. Yesterday he sent me a mail with the Pink lyrics to 'Leave me Alone'. To me that kinda said that he was almost in the same place. So, rightly or wrongly... harshly or not, I decided to just simply walk away. I've been in 'no contact' now for 48 hours. I didn't 'end' things and I haven't said anything. I've not responded to any mails, SMS messages, phonecalls or any other forms of communication. I'm pretty set on the idea that it's over. I don't feel that I owe him an explanation and I feel that if I did talk to him, he'd somehow make me feel crap and guilty and I'm not going there (that's what usually happens). I'm just wondering whether I actually should tell him we're done and unleash his fury on myself....? At the moment I don't feel he has any power over me - but entering into a dialogue would give him back the control he's become accustomed to and let him back in - irrespective of whether it's a good or bad thing. What do you guys think...? Do I cave and end it, or just maintain 'no contact' and see it through that way...? C x
oppath Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 You end it! Don't walk away like a coward. It sounds like he has done or said a few insensitive things to you; so what. Most relationships, this will happen. If you don't initiate the breakup with respect, you are almost assuring that he WILL unleash himself on you if he gets a chance. It's not that he is owed an explanation, but any person deserves one, whether or not you feel they are a good person.
Author Chinook Posted April 13, 2007 Author Posted April 13, 2007 You end it! Yeah. I did that this morning. I sent a mail just saying it was over. I didn't explain or get into a discussion as I really am not going there. Don't walk away like a coward. I don't think there is anything cowardly about not wanting to give the person you feel is destroying your sense of self a reason to do that further. To be honest, having now ended it... I feel I've already given more than he deserves. It sounds like he has done or said a few insensitive things to you; so what. Most relationships, this will happen. I didn't state exactly what he said... but... in my view, calling someone a whore... who you supposedly care about is not being 'insensitive'. It may be me, but I really don't want the guy who supposedly cares about me to be able to say and do those kinds of things. I don't think I'm particularly demanding but a basic level of respect is required for me. He knew this and he knows it's a deal breaker. I'm not a kid, I'm 37 years old - I'm too old to be messing around with this kind of head game crap. Thanks for the thoughts though, it did make me think. The only reason I actually 'ended' it was because I don't want him calling me and trying to contact me. So that should hopefully stop now.
britchick Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 Hi Chinnock, I don't agree with the last poster. He hasn't shown you any respect so there is no need for you to show him any. If the best way for you to get over him is to break off contact, you do it. You don't need people who belittle you in your life. Good luck.
Author Chinook Posted April 13, 2007 Author Posted April 13, 2007 Thanks Britchick. I'm really wishing I hadn't bothered. Well, the proverbial really hit the fan this morning. He didn't reply to the mail. But he did send me a really horrible SMS text which was pretty much a confirmation of all his other behaviour. Any control I had in feeling less crappy and trying to move on for myself, has disappeared. Now I just feel bad. I wish I'd trusted my original instincts - but I thought I was trying to do the decent thing and just end it - plainly without autopsy or wrangling over who said and did what. Only way to go from here is complete NC. I don't think it's required anyhow now... he's had the last word which is basically what he wanted - so it doesn't really matter. I really don't understand why people paint themselves to be one thing at the start and turn out to be completely something else. What scares me more is I can't see past it and gullibly trust everyone and take them at face value. There's no way I would have entertained this kind of guy if he'd been like this at the start. I'm just feeling really sad now and I'm at work and can't go home either.
britchick Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 Poor you! Just remember, you are not responsible for his bad behaviour. Thank goodness you were only four months in when you realised what an AH he is. Hey, it took me 7 years with my ex!!!!! You'll be ok, be kind to yourself! xx
oppath Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 Ok, I didn't realize the extent of his belittling words to you. He was unreasonable.
Author Chinook Posted April 13, 2007 Author Posted April 13, 2007 That's okay. No worries. I tried to do the right thing. It's all been a bit of a mess today. I did email him an 'explanation' email in the end - which kinda put my viewpoint across that I don't blame him or myself, it's just one of those things which didn't work. We both tried. We both failed. I had to email because during the week it's an LDR situ we have and I really didn't have it in me to drive down to his place (3 hours away) today. So, it's been a rough day. I feel really sad. I'm kinda realising that it's a myth that the 'dumper' is the one who hurts less. It's been a while since things felt this bad. Might be something to do with the fact that he sent the bad SMS this morning and then after the email, he deleted me from his MSN. I know I had to end things - but I didn't think it would be this painful. I know it was the right thing to do... but, I really fell for this guy... he was the only person I have trusted since I split with my ex-partner after my cancer treatment (4 years ago). That wasn't easy to trust someone with all that. I just feel like I was stupid. I feel like I gave some part of myself away and I don't know when she's coming back. I'm 37 years old and I can't stop weeping. I feel like a stupid teenager. I guess also what hurts too is, I wanted him to be who he was in the beginning. I know everyone changes and we don't show who we really are... but, I guess I expected him to actually fight for me - rather than allowing me to walk away. I guess, I didn't really think it would happen you know. If someone says they love you - surely they try and fight and fix things...? I know that sounds brattish and it's no proof of his love... but I just can't believe he let go so easily. I just wanted him to be who he said he was... I fell for this caring, attentive guy who I could talk to and confide in... and now it's all gone. I know I can't contact him and I know that's best for me... considering the kind of person he actually turned out to be. But still it hurts some huh..?! Thanks for being out there you guys.
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