sassiex Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 hi everyone, been with mm for nearly 2 years now, cant take no more its killng me.im not the person i was and im more sad than happy. i love him so much but the reality is he will never leave his wife for me , and at the end of the day that is what we all want. the thought of not seeing him again scares me ****tless we have become so close recently.im so scared and dont know what do for the best ! but im sick of being second fiddle i know i deserve so much more. but how do i do it ? im so very frightened .........what if he doesnt try and win me back .....what if what if... my head is spinning.......im all cried out please help x sass xx:lmao:
whichwayisup Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 You have afew choices...Stay the OW and be second fiddle to him and just accept the situation as it is. If you stay, you'll be killing yourself emotionally and losing out big time. No kids, no family.... Tell him goodbye. Just do it and tell him that you no longer want to be the OW and since he isn't leaving his wife for you, it's time to end the affair. Get some therapy in, talk it out and grieve with the help of counselling. I'm sure it will be hard to go through, but you will be okay. You can survive without him in your life! You were fine before he came into your life, right? What he has brought into your life is confusion, pain and alot of heartache. That isn't love, it's abuse...Chosen emotional abuse, by staying with a man who is married. Good luck and consider seeing a therapist.
kymberann Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 Hi Sassie, You do deserve more, you don't deserve to be second best. You do deserve to get out. Don't do the "what ifs" and don't pretend you are leaving in hopes he will "fight to win you back". So what if he does try to win you back, you will only end up in the same situation where you are now because you know he won't leave. The bad is outweighing the good, reclaim your own sense of self. You can initiate NC and you get to do it your way. At first it will be hard, painful, but it does get better. In fact I have not seen xMM for 4 months and now the thought of seeing him makes me "scared ****less". I never want to see him again because I have clarity back! I am not lost and I have that feeling of self again! That does not mean that I will forget the good times, but seeing him now would jeopardize a lot of what I have done to make myself feel better. It is paradoxical now that the A is over, the more time NC goes on, the less and less I will want to have anything ever again, regardless of his situation. When the A happened, I never had enough time with him and I felt so despondent and out of control. Bottom line, you are hurting more due to the affair. Relationships should not hurt such as this. Be strong, you can either continue to be frightened, or be frightened while you get your power back! Everything will fall in to place the way it needs to be. Trust me! If you want to IM me please do!
greengoddess Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 Why is the advice always to seek counseling? It's a breakup. Why would you need to seek professional help over a breakup? People break up all the time. They weren't even married or engaged. Sassi I'm sorry for your pain but you can get through this. Do what is best for you and your heart. I certainly don't think you will need professional help though.
Tomcat33 Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 Why is the advice always to seek counseling? Because being with someone who was only emotionally half available is unlike any other normal relationship you will have. Getting invovled with someone who is married is very intense, there is a lot guilt, shame and intense feelings that go along with that, and for the very reason the OP stated that "she is not the person she was" it lets her know that this is unlike anything she has experienced before. this is not a normal break up. I speak from experience. There is nothing wrong with seeking therapy, that is the first step to recovery, a pair of unbiassed ears who will listen and give their views on something they have dealt with before. Affairs are still very taboo in our society and no matter how strong your support system is unless they have been through it themselves they cannot offer sound advice, the type of advice that would be free of prejudice and criticism. When our loved ones try to support us they tend to make blanket statements like "he was no good for you, he is a cheater...blahh blahh" it's much deeper than that. A therapist can get to the root of the situation offering their years of experience in these types of cases. Go to therapy.
sadbuttrue Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 i totally agree tomcat, therapy is extremely important in these relationships. i have been in therapy for the past 4 months and all because of my R with MM. i would have never considered therapy before all of this pain and anguish. greengoddess, if you had ever been involved with a MM, you would know that it is not a simple breakup. there are so many complications and grief. you have so much more on your shoulders-worrying about the W, the kids, what all this will do to them if/when they find out. sassi, therapy is a good idea. a therapist will listen to you and give you unbiased advice. tomcat is right, all friends and family do is tell you how bad it was to be with a MM in the first place and tell you to get over it.
Meaplus3 Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 I will back up tomcat33 and sadbuttrue with regard's to therapy. These situation's with a MM are very difficult to deal with. But I will tell you what most are telling me is that "Acceptance" is a big part of it. You have to want to move past the R to get on with your life, not an easy thing to do at all! I feel for you as I feel for myself and many other's on this forum. Good luck. AP:)
pelagicsands Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 It's a breakup. Why would you need to seek professional help over a breakup? People break up all the time. They weren't even married or engaged. I agree. You have to understand that people these days seem unable to help themselves. Possibly to the point of hiring someone to wipe their bottom. Anyway, there is nothing wrong with seeking help, but I agree that therapy is randomly and excessively prescribed. It seems that, in North America at least, everyone has a therapist. LOL!
whichwayisup Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 Why is the advice always to seek counseling? Because she is in a relationship with a MM and needs to get OUT now. It's a very unhealthy place she's in right now and it's doing damage to her. Her confidence is less and her self esteem is going downhill. She doesn't have the strength to end it and walk away from him, so with the help of a therapist she CAN get stronger and end it for good and not let him back into her life. Green, you need to sit and read some more threads in this section and see the pattern that the OW follow, not only their situations, but their mindset. An affair is NOT a healthy and honest relationship to begin with, throw in the sneaking around, lying and deceiving, hiding and the excitement that adds to an affair - When it ends, people are left basketcases. Seriously, go read some stories by these OW here. Therapy can only help, and there's nothing wrong with going. Especially if it helps and makes you a stronger and wiser person.
Meaplus3 Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 Because she is in a relationship with a MM and needs to get OUT now. It's a very unhealthy place she's in right now and it's doing damage to her. Her confidence is less and her self esteem is going downhill. She doesn't have the strength to end it and walk away from him, so with the help of a therapist she CAN get stronger and end it for good and not let him back into her life. Green, you need to sit and read some more threads in this section and see the pattern that the OW follow, not only their situations, but their mindset. An affair is NOT a healthy and honest relationship to begin with, throw in the sneaking around, lying and deceiving, hiding and the excitement that adds to an affair - When it ends, people are left basketcases. Seriously, go read some stories by these OW here. Therapy can only help, and there's nothing wrong with going. Especially if it helps and makes you a stronger and wiser person. "When it ends, people are left basketcases. Seriously, go read some stories by these OW here." Great advice Whichway, so True! Sassi. I have been in therapy for month's now and I have gained so much. I have not gained enough as yet to heal the way that I should, however I am not giving up. When your "A" first end's you will feel such pain, mabey more pain than you have ever felt in your life, but there is hope for healing and it's out there an available to you. I am saying this from my own opinion. I think everyone is diff with the amount of time for healing to take place. So, anywhere you can start is on step forward. Even if you slip back you have the help to move ahead once again. AP:)
luvstarved Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 Sassi, I was involved in an affair, not with a MM but with an engaged one. Eventually he married and divorced...and married again. But not with me!! I thought he was BRILLIANT and GORGEOUS and HILARIOUS and THE BEST F**K EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When it was over, I had been in rehab for alcohol abuse and ended up losing my job by showing up drunk at work (he worked in the same place). I had not abused alcohol up to that point in my life, so while I don't blame him, I do say it was the situation for sure that caused it. Even after all that, I continued to call him. Because he was BRILLIANT and... Fast forward 12 years. Clarity reigns. He was a sociopath and I was a game. Maybe your guy is torn between two lovers, but you already know who the winner is, so why keep playing at your own expense? I contacted this guy a couple years after we were done, just to show him that I had moved on!!!!!!!!!!!! He actually did seem glad to hear from me, but it was also clear that he never ever would have been with me as a primary relationship. The bottom line is, this MM may or may not be what you want, but HE IS NOT WHAT YOU CAN HAVE. I know that he seems like the whole essence of life itself right now, but THAT WILL PASS WITH TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The best way, ironically, that you can demonstrate your true worth to him is to end this relationship. Not that that should in any way be a goal...but my point is that you need to get your self-esteem back. It isn't a nice thing for me to say, but including myself, women so devoted to these dead end, spirit crushing relationships are...in the end, pathetic. And don't get a lot of true respect in the hearts of the men they are involved with...really, if this was a stand up guy would he be doing what he is doing both to you AND his wife? I seriously feel for you, because my experience was bar none the worst period of my life. But I did get through it, and I know you can too. Get all the support you can, be it therapy or a hobby or a circle of real friends. What helps, helps and I wish you the very best in finding whatever you need to do the right thing for yourself.
PoshPrincess Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 I agree that counselling can help. Aside from the fact that after this type of R you need help regaining your self-worth, it can also help you find out if there are underlying reasons why you got yourself into a R with a MM and ensure that it won't happen again (although I pretty much think we are all done with that after our experiences!) I have been having counselling on and off since the break up with my MM. Sassie, I totally know how you feel. It was the most emotionally painful thing I have ever gone through in my 36 years and I hope to God I never feel like that again. No, I'm not totally over MM but it does get easier. I was like you six months ago, couldn't see a way out, was scared of letting go in case he didn't pursue me, but you have to do it for your own sanity. I ended up drinking and smoking too much and at one stage actually thought I may have a drink problem. I have always liked a drink but never to the extent that I needed one to get myself through. Luckily, I am over that now. Thankfully it was only because of the sitch I had got myself into. Sass, you have to be READY to move on. I tried loads of times with NC, etc, gave myself deadlines, the works, but kept going back on it after a little persuasion from MM. In the end it was HIM who got sick and tired of the to-ing and fro-ing, on/off R that we were having and he called time, which was extremely hard but I am glad he did as I don't know that I would ever have had the strength. Even though I have a new bf now I am STILL struggling every day. I just know that I deserve something better, as you do. You know we're all here to help you. Hey, you live in London too. God, maybe we should meet up for a b*tching and crying session
Zona76 Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 The reason one NEEDS counseling can only be explained in a way that sounds strange. You are going to mourn. This sadness will be the deepest you've ever known. You will have to cease ALL contact then it will be as if he has died. It will be a long tough journey. It will be the hardest you've ever done. But know this... Know these words... you WILL climb out of this hole.
frannie Posted April 21, 2007 Posted April 21, 2007 hi everyone, been with mm for nearly 2 years now, cant take no more its killng me.im not the person i was and im more sad than happy. i love him so much but the reality is he will never leave his wife for me , and at the end of the day that is what we all want. the thought of not seeing him again scares me ****tless we have become so close recently.im so scared and dont know what do for the best ! but im sick of being second fiddle i know i deserve so much more. but how do i do it ? im so very frightened .........what if he doesnt try and win me back .....what if what if... my head is spinning.......im all cried out please help x sass xx:lmao: Can you just accept what you have now..? How do you know he will 'never' leave..? If that's how it is, then you have what you have, and nothing more. Is is enough..? Can you be happy with what you have..? If not... then have you thought about enjoying what you have with him while building another future for yourself. That way you don't have to deal with ending things, and you don't have to go through all the 'what ifs'.. just ... enjoy what you have... and look around for something else.
overandout Posted April 21, 2007 Posted April 21, 2007 So Frannie, Is that whatyou are doing. Sticking with your bloke while keeping an eye out for a single guy. I don't blame you because your mm is using you to top up his marriage and playing happy families at the weekend. I didn't stay with mm because I concluded he was't that in love with me or he would be with me. I faced up to facts. I was a side dish and I knew I deserved better. If we were dealing with single men none of us would tolerate them sleeping with others, and yes they do have still have sex with the wife. You are being played by ASmethwick who has no respect for you as you are allowing him to have it all. You do not have the botle to end it and he is screwing you and screwing his wife--literally. Do you feel good about yourself Frannie? Where are you and ASmethwick going for your summer vacation-oh I forgot he'll be with his family! Try reading the the thread Took or got my power back where you posted and have the courtesy to post a reply.
sb129 Posted April 21, 2007 Posted April 21, 2007 The best way, ironically, that you can demonstrate your true worth to him is to end this relationship. Not that that should in any way be a goal...but my point is that you need to get your self-esteem back. It isn't a nice thing for me to say, but including myself, women so devoted to these dead end, spirit crushing relationships are...in the end, pathetic. And don't get a lot of true respect in the hearts of the men they are involved with...really, if this was a stand up guy would he be doing what he is doing both to you AND his wife? . Word. Great post. I It was the most emotionally painful thing I have ever gone through in my 36 years and I hope to God I never feel like that again. No, I'm not totally over MM but it does get easier. I was like you six months ago, couldn't see a way out, was scared of letting go in case he didn't pursue me, but you have to do it for your own sanity. I ended up drinking and smoking too much and at one stage actually thought I may have a drink problem. I have always liked a drink but never to the extent that I needed one to get myself through. Luckily, I am over that now. Thankfully it was only because of the sitch I had got myself into. Me too. Looking back now on my time as an OW, I can't believe that that was me. It was soooo hard. My MM was emotionally abusive and F**d up. Now I have WOnderboy, I appreciate how Wonderful he is, because he is NORMAL. We have a normal, happy healthy R that has NO lies, secrecy, sneaking around, jealousy, pain, anger, resentment etc etc. Sassiex, you can't just breakup with him because you want him to try and win you back. Thats just playing games, and you may end up even more hurt when he doesn't play. You have to leave because you want the R to end. If you aren't ready, don't. But if you feel this way now, trust me, when you finally release the load of this R from your shoulders, you will never look back.
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