whichwayisup Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 So why not casually bring up in conversation, "when I used the computer the other day, I noticed that you had a new email address." And see how he reacts? To bring it up, very carefully, no accusations in your voice, maybe he'll tell you why. I dunno. It is weird, but then again, if you didn't stumble across his old emails from afew years ago, and just saw anotehr email account, would it be bothering you as much?
whichwayisup Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 And no I wouldn't mind if my fiancé or husband caught up for a coffee and chat with an ex. That's fine if there are no feelings and no talk of "I miss you, let's hook up." Anyway, you say that now - But when the situation presents itself, you don't know HOW you're gonna feel until it happens.
dropdeadlegs Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 I have 3 email accounts, too. Many websites require your email address to do things, and I use one that I rarely ever check so they can sell my account to whomever they please and it doesn't junk up my personal account. I'm glad that you didn't confess, I don't think anything good would have come from that, but the deeper problem is the lack of trust. I'm not saying it is easy to trust when you have been betrayed, but at some point I think you have to take certain risks in a 3 plus year relationship. This trust issue is a big thing, IMO. I have been giving this a lot of thought. Last year I was cleaning my BF's room. He has a tendency to hold on to some things for too long and a big part of his messiness problems involve paper hoarding. I literally found paystubs from the early 90's in this room. A dresser was devoted almost entirely to paper. I weeded through and found almost nothing of value/importance. He has always made a big deal about keeping every card, letter, even silly little notes, that I have written through the years. While cleaning, I found that he has kept what must be every card, letter, etc. form every woman in his life! I admit, I opened a few cards, but they didn't interest me much. I saved them all in a nice neat stack for him. I told him I had neatly organized and rubber banded them in the second drawer. I don't keep things of this nature once a relationship is over, but it's his right to do so. from the haphazard placement of them, I doubt he was reading them or anything. I'm sentimental to a degree, but not much of a degree. I used to be very sentimental, now I'm more likely to throw things away quickly. the memories are enough for me, I don't need the ticket stubs, programs, etc. to remind of special events and people. I know this is different than finding something of the nature you did (correspondence during the relationship of the type you discovered. I also noticed that I haven't deleted my deleted emails folder ever. My inbox is always neat. clean, and orderly, but that deleted file is huge, especially with all the LS notifications. Why he left the second email account open is anybody's guess. I leave my primary email open 24/7.
justagirlforever Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 Anyway, you say that now - But when the situation presents itself, you don't know HOW you're gonna feel until it happens. I know exactly what that's like actually. My (recent) ex and ltr living together for 4 years used to catch up with 2 of his ex's every now and again. One of which I was actually even good friends with until she sadly died. He even went to the one's wedding all the way in Australia last year (without me because I couldn't get the time off holiday). It honestly it's a big deal. They've moved on and even if they hadn't, I still wouldn't want to be with someone who's so unsure of being with me if on the slightest whim they dash off to an ex. Thanks but no thanks I don't want such a person in my life as my partner.
Author EC Posted April 16, 2007 Author Posted April 16, 2007 When they were whispering sweet nothings to each other via email about how much they miss each other? Catching up with someone from your past is one thing....hooking up with them when they made it clear to each other how much they miss one another is completely a different matter. They obviously have feelings for one another still....so that makes it unacceptable. But really....EC just needs to dump him. His heart obviously doesn't completely belong to her. I thought all of this but then I started thinking.... This was his first love who left him without a single word as to why? She just stopped writing to him. Then he met me and slowly started to forget about her. We were together a year and it was LDR so we only really saw eachother about once a month. All of a sudden she comes back with I miss you so Much where are you? He might of just wanted a reason or closure. I don't know. Regardless its his personal life..things that went on before I stepped into the picture. And tho we had been together a year it really wasn't for sure because we were in an LDR. Yeah Im upset but what can I do about it now? We are at a completely different place now. Those e-mails occured when he had moved down to take our relationship to the next level. We are a lot more serious now and I really don't think he would have responded that way to her e-mails had she written them to him now. Do I know for sure? No. But I will have to trust.
IpAncA Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 Only thing that bugs me about it is he STILL has em.
Author EC Posted April 16, 2007 Author Posted April 16, 2007 I have 3 email accounts, too. Many websites require your email address to do things, and I use one that I rarely ever check so they can sell my account to whomever they please and it doesn't junk up my personal account. I'm glad that you didn't confess, I don't think anything good would have come from that, but the deeper problem is the lack of trust. I'm not saying it is easy to trust when you have been betrayed, but at some point I think you have to take certain risks in a 3 plus year relationship. This trust issue is a big thing, IMO. I have been giving this a lot of thought. Last year I was cleaning my BF's room. He has a tendency to hold on to some things for too long and a big part of his messiness problems involve paper hoarding. I literally found paystubs from the early 90's in this room. A dresser was devoted almost entirely to paper. I weeded through and found almost nothing of value/importance. He has always made a big deal about keeping every card, letter, even silly little notes, that I have written through the years. While cleaning, I found that he has kept what must be every card, letter, etc. form every woman in his life! I admit, I opened a few cards, but they didn't interest me much. I saved them all in a nice neat stack for him. I told him I had neatly organized and rubber banded them in the second drawer. I don't keep things of this nature once a relationship is over, but it's his right to do so. from the haphazard placement of them, I doubt he was reading them or anything. I'm sentimental to a degree, but not much of a degree. I used to be very sentimental, now I'm more likely to throw things away quickly. the memories are enough for me, I don't need the ticket stubs, programs, etc. to remind of special events and people. I know this is different than finding something of the nature you did (correspondence during the relationship of the type you discovered. I also noticed that I haven't deleted my deleted emails folder ever. My inbox is always neat. clean, and orderly, but that deleted file is huge, especially with all the LS notifications. Why he left the second email account open is anybody's guess. I leave my primary email open 24/7. I used to have a box of stuff but I threw it out. He on the other hand has kept everything about this girl. He has printed conversations/ emails/ pictures/ plane tickets/ everything. But I do have to work on the trust thing. I guess since I have been burned so bad I feel as if it will happen again unless I catch it type of thing. I;m so scared of getting hurt and it happening to me off gurad when i think everything is ok like it did the first time...that I am constantly trying to figure things out and play detective so I can catch it before it happens. Which has driven me more crazy because then I get all worked up about what could be happening and in the end saying well it's not concrete proof so I have to let it go. So then why work myself up until I do have someting concrete you ask? Exactly what I am asking myself. I am working on it. I mean if it was a guy that treated me like dirt ok..but I mean this guy does everything for me. Whatever I need hes on it. Whenever I need a friend he's there. Financially if needed he is there. He is always trying to prove to me that he is a good guy and that hes not going anywhere and that I just need to trust him. Its just really hard for me.
Author EC Posted April 16, 2007 Author Posted April 16, 2007 Only thing that bugs me about it is he STILL has em. I knooooooo lol
corazoncito Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 I've snooped a couple of times in my BF's email when he accidentally left it open and there was some questionable correspondence with an ex. In my case, I realized was reading things into the messages that weren't really there. Honestly, the context of emails can be hard to decipher. I think you automatically fill in the "blanks" with your emotional state when you read correspondence between other people. I was stressed about moving in together and feeling insecure and that colored everything I read. I think anytime you're snooping you are by definition bringing a distrustful, negative mindset and you're likely to "find" something. Obviously if they're messages dated today that say "I love the sex we had last night! Let's do it again!", you're justified in being pissed. But "I miss you" from 2 years ago is more ambiguous. I did come clean about snooping both times immediately, and it seriously wasn't pretty. But he eventually calmed down and we talked it through. I feel really lucky he didn't end things over it though, and I KNOW I've had my two strikes and the next time I will be out (and deservedly so). I felt I needed to talk about this stuff with my BF, because it's something that happened recently. But since in your case the correspondence is 2 years old, I think you did the right thing in letting it go. I'm not sure you should read very much into him still having those messages. Some people are just packrats. Both my BF and I pretty much never clean out our emails accounts. We also have old cards, letters, and photos of ex's that sit in drawers or shoeboxes. We don't take them out and look over them. I mean, if your BF is keeping them to reread them everyday for two years, that would be unacceptable, but if he's just never gotten around to deleting them, I don't think it's something you should worry about.
allina Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 Yesterday I was going to use his computer when I noticed he LEFT his yahoo account logged in and completely open! Knowing full well I was going to use the computer. I of course went straight to where the e-mails where to see if he had figured itout on his own and deleted them or something and they were all gone. He only had e-mails from friends and school. Do you realize that this isn't normal behavior? You say that you "of course" went right to the e-mail, WHY?! Just because he left t open doesn't give you the right to read his e-mail. If I was him and I found out I would feel so disrespected. You've been with the guy for three years but you seem to have so little faith in him. I do think some of his actions are slightly shady but secretly snooping is only going to make you more paranoid and cause tension in the relationship. My SO has more than one e-mail address and always stays logged in or has the password saved, however I could never go in and violate his privacy like that.
tanbark813 Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 Just because he left t open doesn't give you the right to read his e-mail. All's fair in love and war.
allina Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 All's fair in love and war. Snooping isn't necessary in LOVE.
dropdeadlegs Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 All's fair in love and war. I don't know about that. Distrustful love, if I was completely innocent (don't know if this guy is or not,) would lead me to all out war. Then I'd be soon charged with desertion.
tanbark813 Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 Snooping isn't necessary in LOVE. It's not necessary but it's helpful.
Author EC Posted April 16, 2007 Author Posted April 16, 2007 Do you realize that this isn't normal behavior? You say that you "of course" went right to the e-mail, WHY?! Just because he left t open doesn't give you the right to read his e-mail. If I was him and I found out I would feel so disrespected. You've been with the guy for three years but you seem to have so little faith in him. I do think some of his actions are slightly shady but secretly snooping is only going to make you more paranoid and cause tension in the relationship. My SO has more than one e-mail address and always stays logged in or has the password saved, however I could never go in and violate his privacy like that. Yes I have realized this which is why I had previously written: But I do have to work on the trust thing. I guess since I have been burned so bad I feel as if it will happen again unless I catch it type of thing. I;m so scared of getting hurt and it happening to me off gurad when i think everything is ok like it did the first time...that I am constantly trying to figure things out and play detective so I can catch it before it happens. Which has driven me more crazy because then I get all worked up about what could be happening and in the end saying well it's not concrete proof so I have to let it go. So then why work myself up until I do have someting concrete you ask? Exactly what I am asking myself. I am working on it. Like I said Im working on it. I know everyone is entitled to their privacy and I give him his privacy. I'm not constantly going through his phone or asking him a million questions, or going through his things. CONSTANTLY being the key word here But I just had a gut feeling that day and I went to his e-mail. And I found something. FYI I have never gone through his e-mail before. And the reason I 'of course' went through it a second time was because of everything that happened the first time and He NEVER leaves it open so I figured he knew I knew or w/e and so I went to see what was up. I may have searched his car once after the hair lol But thats it.
allina Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 I may have searched his car once after the hair lol But thats it. How do you search a car? Isn't everything in plain view? I do see where you're coming from. But also, it's one of those things that if you are looking for something suspicious, you'll make anything you find suspicious, it's the the great work of the human mind So i guess what I'm trying to say is that snooping is very counterproductive, especially when you are trying to work through trust issues.
Author EC Posted April 16, 2007 Author Posted April 16, 2007 How do you search a car? Isn't everything in plain view? I do see where you're coming from. But also, it's one of those things that if you are looking for something suspicious, you'll make anything you find suspicious, it's the the great work of the human mind So i guess what I'm trying to say is that snooping is very counterproductive, especially when you are trying to work through trust issues. For more hair duh! JK! lol No but I do understand. Snooping makes everything worse. lol Thats should be my name not EC but " Imworkingonit"
tanbark813 Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 Thats should be my name not EC but " Imworkingonit" Or "EmailCop". Or "EternallyChecking". Or "EradicatingConcern".
Author EC Posted April 16, 2007 Author Posted April 16, 2007 Or "EmailCop". Or "EternallyChecking". Or "EradicatingConcern". OMG LMAO :lmao: I <3 Eternally Checking!
IpAncA Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 EC, I suggest you DON'T snoop again. That's twice, three if you count his car. If your worried about it you can say something to him or let it go.
Salicious Crumb Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 I thought all of this but then I started thinking.... This was his first love who left him without a single word as to why? She just stopped writing to him. Then he met me and slowly started to forget about her. We were together a year and it was LDR so we only really saw eachother about once a month. All of a sudden she comes back with I miss you so Much where are you? He might of just wanted a reason or closure. I don't know. Regardless its his personal life..things that went on before I stepped into the picture. And tho we had been together a year it really wasn't for sure because we were in an LDR. Yeah Im upset but what can I do about it now? Well..honestly...nothing now...you just excused his behavior. If you understand how he could be telling another girl that he misses her....then whats the problem really? I understand your feelings on the situation....I have had a 5 year high school sweetheart that didn't work out once she was in college. Is she a big part of my life?...yes....do I miss her?...no. Only way I'd miss her is if I pine for her or still want her. And if I missed another girl, then my heart does not belong completely to my SO. But if you understand how he could be missing her...then you have no choice but to trust him and drop it as an issue.
justagirlforever Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 Salicious Crumb, did you miss the bit where EC explained that the handful of emails was 2 years ago? At a time when she and her bf were in the beginning stages of their relationship and it was a long distance relationship? And that there have been no current emails or behaviour leading her to believe it's still going on, since? It's not as if he wrote that email yesterday, last week, last month or even last year......
whichwayisup Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 Or "EmailCop". Or "EternallyChecking". Or "EradicatingConcern". Erotic Chick!
Salicious Crumb Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 Salicious Crumb, did you miss the bit where EC explained that the handful of emails was 2 years ago? Nope...didn't miss that at all. And I said there is no statute of limitation on betrayal...emotional or otherwise. And if 2 years ago makes it silly to complain about it....then tell her that.
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