justagirlforever Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 Because he can't keep accusing me of mistrust..while he is chatting up a storm with the exes. 2-years-ago........with no evidence of any such activity since
Author EC Posted April 13, 2007 Author Posted April 13, 2007 2-years-ago........with no evidence of any such activity since Are you in a relationship now?
Trialbyfire Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 Trust me I heard ya...I have evaluated and re-evaluated my relationship with him plenty of times and I don't know..... I love him is all I come up with at the end. He changed his myspace and yahoo. The same day. I do bet money he will probably give me a hard time about not trusting him but then you know what ...if he does that then I will seriously have to move on. Because he can't keep accusing me of mistrust..while he is chatting up a storm with the exes. I'll just add one more thing. While I understand why you might want to leave a relationship due to lack of trust, running away solves nothing. It can turn into a pattern of mistrust, then splitting. You have to take a stand at sometime and be willing to fight for something that you feel is worthwhile. When I say fight, there are two issues. - Your own mistrust of him; - his lack of complete disclosure from the start. Both of these issues go hand in hand. You need him to help you and his pushing back with privacy issues isn't going to solve the problem. If anything, it will only make you mistrust him more because really, what has he got to hide if everything is above board? I'm not sure if you've ever been cheated on before but in my experience, cheaters lie a lot, to the point where you start to wonder if you're going insane. If you don't want concrete proof from a keylogger, get some professional help with your issues. You can't live your life like this.
justagirlforever Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 Are you in a relationship now? No my long term 4 year relationship came to an end during the end of last year and I finally moved out in January this year. And guess what? We are still friends I was also going to add to my previous post: And clearly he has solid grounds to accuse you of not trusting him. You have just confirmed it in the deepest way possible. Every side has two stories. Unless you can quote emails word for word here, we have to rely on your "translation and interpretation" of what he said.
IpAncA Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 It can turn into a pattern of mistrust, then splitting. EC, don't fall into that.
Author EC Posted April 13, 2007 Author Posted April 13, 2007 I'll just add one more thing. While I understand why you might want to leave a relationship due to lack of trust, running away solves nothing. It can turn into a pattern of mistrust, then splitting. You have to take a stand at sometime and be willing to fight for something that you feel is worthwhile. When I say fight, there are two issues. - Your own mistrust of him; - his lack of complete disclosure from the start. Both of these issues go hand in hand. You need him to help you and his pushing back with privacy issues isn't going to solve the problem. If anything, it will only make you mistrust him more because really, what has he got to hide if everything is above board? I'm not sure if you've ever been cheated on before but in my experience, cheaters lie a lot, to the point where you start to wonder if you're going insane. If you don't want concrete proof from a keylogger, get some professional help with your issues. You can't live your life like this. I have beem cheated on twice. But my first love is the one that left a HUGE scar. I fell for his lies not once..not twice..but three times. Until I finally left him.
whichwayisup Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 Sometimes it is what it is. Maybe he does really miss her, but that doesn't mean he wants her back. He is allowed to think and feel that way. I'm sure there are past boyfriends of yours who you genuinally (sp?!) miss that you don't want back, but they meant alot to you at the time. Bottomline, he loves you and is with you NOW. I would let it go and stay away from his email accounts. Try to focus this energy into making the relationship BETTER. Show him how much you appreciate him, do little cool and nice things for him, woo him! (in and OUT of bed..hehehehe.) Anyway, I know it hurt you reading his emails and what he said to her, even if it was said 2 years ago...But remember too, 2 years ago you two were in a different place in the relationship and since then you've grown closer. Neither of you are the same as you were back then.....
justagirlforever Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 Every side has two stories. I'm clearly multi-tasking too much today and it's now home time over here - less haste more speed. I meant to say of course "every story has two sides". Even in the face of evidence.
Trialbyfire Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 I have beem cheated on twice. But my first love is the one that left a HUGE scar. I fell for his lies not once..not twice..but three times. Until I finally left him. Then you understand where I'm coming from. Time to address those scars. Maybe they need to be reopened so you can start to heal properly. This is what IC is for. If your current b/f is the right guy, he will work with you on these issues and try to be more understanding. You also have to be willing to communicate all your issues to him and then when he's trying, be cooperative. Why drag our scars from relationship to relationship? Help yourself. Take some action. Good luck!
Author EC Posted April 13, 2007 Author Posted April 13, 2007 Sometimes it is what it is. Maybe he does really miss her, but that doesn't mean he wants her back. He is allowed to think and feel that way. I'm sure there are past boyfriends of yours who you genuinally (sp?!) miss that you don't want back, but they meant alot to you at the time. Bottomline, he loves you and is with you NOW. I would let it go and stay away from his email accounts. Try to focus this energy into making the relationship BETTER. Show him how much you appreciate him, do little cool and nice things for him, woo him! (in and OUT of bed..hehehehe.) Anyway, I know it hurt you reading his emails and what he said to her, even if it was said 2 years ago...But remember too, 2 years ago you two were in a different place in the relationship and since then you've grown closer. Neither of you are the same as you were back then..... I You WWIU! ~ Its what I have been doing. I cooked for him, cleaned his apartment, went to the spa and did my nails the way he likes..but I'm still hurt. I still have this thought nagging me that I want him to know I know. But thats what I was thinking ... That it was during our first year..and we LDR..so maybe if she were contact him now it would be a whole different ball game. Maybe I want to tell him so that he can confirm for me that we were at different places but things are different now? I think too damn much.
whichwayisup Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 I still have this thought nagging me that I want him to know I know. In all honesty, what good can come of bringing it up? Don't do it... You KNOW that you two ARE in a better and healthier place than 2 years ago, you don't need to ask him that.
IpAncA Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 EC, I've snooped myself. Was it wrong? Yes. I was tempted and gave in. But I didn't tell him about it. All it would have done is caused one HUGH fight about this and that. It's better if he doesn't know. It was stupid and I haven't done it since. I have no reason to. Besides I wouldn't want him looking thru my e-mails. Even though I have nothing to hide that's not the point. As much as open and honesty run thru the relationship, I need some privacy.
allina Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 I would be so tempted to say something, but I'm bad at keeping things to myself. Saying anything will just lead to more drama and distrust, don't do it, though the whole "I miss you" thing w/ an ex isn't good I have this ex from a couple years ago, he was my longest relationship and I still like him as a person, neither of us have any romantic feelings left at all. I'm friends with him and we talk once in a while (once a month at most). My friendship with him made me realize what a harmless friendship w/ an ex is and how it should be handled. I have never said I miss you to him or anything that was flirty or would make my SO uncomfortable. If my ex calls and my SO is around I talk to him in front of my bf. My ex knows my bf's name, how long we've been together and all that. There has never been any jealousy.
DOA Posted April 15, 2007 Posted April 15, 2007 Snooping is bad. I can vouch for this coz I've done it in both my relationships. First one served to confirm to me my suspicions of cheating. Second one...I don't know why I did it, but I just cannot trust someone fully (I think this is a result of my past relationship). I tried my best not to snoop, if anything, I would just browse thru a page of inbox/sender headlines...and would only start diving further and actually opening and reading bits and pieces of emails if I saw something suspicious, like multiple emails from an ex, or dodgy headlines, or multiple emails from some chick I'd never heard of. But I think snooping can either be something that sets you free or totally ruins you. It either gives you the solid proof to expose a cheat and confirm your suspicions, OR, get wrapped up in the emails of the past and past feelings that can cause SO MANY insecurities for you. If you are already an untrusting person like me, it just feeds on those insecurities too, even if nothing may exist between the ex and the boy now. No one wants to hear details of how much their current SO loved another, and the nasty details of how they daydream about doing the nasty together and memories of a place they were once together in, or see photos of them together. But also, I don't think anyone wants their SO to be keeping such intimate emails from an ex.
Guest Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 I kind of flicked through this thread but... I think EC you were also concerned about why he'd kept the emails from his ex from a couple years ago... well I can answer this one.. I keep stuff from my exs including text messages and emails because they were a significant part of my life and were special to me. Do I want to get back together with these people - NO. Also I'm a bit crap at cleaning out emails so often old ones get left there that I never discover. I agree with others if this was email corespondence two years ago then you'll not in the same place in your relationship now as you were then so it's not relevant. I don't see that you have much to be concerned about, he trusted you by giving you his password but in changing it probably knows that you're a bit of a snooper. It's a difficult one being a snooper but really it was his private stuff and you shouldn't really have looked in the first place. I (personally) wouldn't bring it up. Work on your trust issues, make sure that he knows you have trust issues from being hurt in the past. He seems like a good guy to me.
Salicious Crumb Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 Personally I don't think there's anything wrong with catching up with an ex over a friendly drink & chat. I disagree...it is unacceptable. Besides...these two were telling each other over email how much they miss each other. And then he tell his gf that she needs to trust him...phffft....what a jackass. She has every right to be angry at him. I'd say honey...ditch him...find someone who doesn't miss his ex and wants to hook up with her.
Salicious Crumb Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 I'm angry but I don't know what to do. I know I know I shouldn't have snooped but I did and now I dont know how to tell him I know. Or if I should because then he wont trust me with private information again. BTW he changed his password the same day when he got home after i fixed his page. You snooped because you had a hunch...and it turned out to be right. If something doesn't seem right...it usually isn't. for god's sake, they were telling each other how much they missed each other...and they plan to hook up?....no way...if I were you, I'd kick this player to the curb. If they miss each other that much...let them have each other. Then you can go out and find yourself a decent man that doesn't pine for his ex.
Salicious Crumb Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 Making a break and letting go emotionally is one thing. Denying that something ever happened is nuts. I'm not going to deny several years of my life. Never to have a to speak a word to someone just because someone is jealous? . No..but did you read her post? They both were talking about how much they missed each other. If a fiancee or husband of yours was having email conversations back and forth with an ex telling each other how much they missed each other...you saying that wouldn't bother you? And on top of that...they miss each other soooo much, that they planned on hooking up for drinks behind your back? Come on. And so what if it was 2 years ago....betrayal has no statute of limitations...and in my view...this was betrayal....whether they screwed each other when they hooked up or not....because there was obviously still an emotional attachment there. totally disrespectful to EC.
Salicious Crumb Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 I kind of flicked through this thread but... I think EC you were also concerned about why he'd kept the emails from his ex from a couple years ago... well I can answer this one.. I keep stuff from my exs including text messages and emails because they were a significant part of my life and were special to me. Do I want to get back together with these people - NO. you may not want to get back with your ex...but did you tell them how much you missed them and planned to hook up with them?
justagirlforever Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 No..but did you read her post? They both were talking about how much they missed each other. If a fiancee or husband of yours was having email conversations back and forth with an ex telling each other how much they missed each other...you saying that wouldn't bother you? And on top of that...they miss each other soooo much, that they planned on hooking up for drinks behind your back? Come on. And so what if it was 2 years ago....betrayal has no statute of limitations...and in my view...this was betrayal....whether they screwed each other when they hooked up or not....because there was obviously still an emotional attachment there. totally disrespectful to EC. Erm - did you read the whole post? That first year of their relationship (if I got this write) was a ldr. Not that that's an excuse, but I wanted to try and gauge what the dynamics of their relationship were during that time. Dating solidly as a couple / being exclusive / living together etc. Yes, it does make a difference. Not making excuses for him (there's no need) but get some perspective of what things were actually like. We've been given minimal info and one-sided interpretation of 2 year old emails – not actual email convo. No excuse - but perhaps during their ldr, he was lonely and wanted someone familiar to speak with if he couldn't with EC. Just a guess. And no I wouldn't mind if my fiancé or husband caught up for a coffee and chat with an ex. It's really no big deal. Clearly I wouldn't like it done behind my back, but that's never been necessary as I clearly don't have an issue with that. And you know what? If my fiancé/husband was so tempted back by the ex (over an innocent coffee and chat), I wouldn't want them as my partner in the first place and there's something very wrong in our relationship. I want to be no. 1 and if they don't feel strongly enough, then so be it. I'm not anyone's babysitter or guard of emotions. I'm not going to "hold" anyone to me if they don't want to be with me and are not absolutely certain enough of that.
Author EC Posted April 16, 2007 Author Posted April 16, 2007 I didn't fess up I was so close. But We are so happy now and really I dont want to bring her up because that will just get him thinking about her and the e-mails all over again and what good does that do? Had the e-mails been recent I would have PRINTED them out and handed them to him while packing my **** and leaving. But Since they were from two years ago and during our LDR stage I have let it go. Not really but i am trying to. I did however discover that he has two email accounts. Yesterday I was going to use his computer when I noticed he LEFT his yahoo account logged in and completely open! Knowing full well I was going to use the computer. I of course went straight to where the e-mails where to see if he had figured itout on his own and deleted them or something and they were all gone. He only had e-mails from friends and school. I was happy but for a moment when I noticed that his log in name had an extra number at the end. So lets say his email was mangomango1 ( this is not his e-mail people example ) this one said mangomango12. So he made another e-mail account? and left it open for me to see it? I really dont know what gives?
justagirlforever Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 I was happy but for a moment when I noticed that his log in name had an extra number at the end. So lets say his email was mangomango1 ( this is not his e-mail people example ) this one said mangomango12. So he made another e-mail account? and left it open for me to see it? I really dont know what gives? EC, I think you're possibly reading too much into this. I have about 4 or 5 different emails accounts I use for different purposes. No big deal and nothing suspect about it. Would he really purposely leave it open for you to prove something to you? No offence, but men "generally" don't think/act that way.
Author EC Posted April 16, 2007 Author Posted April 16, 2007 Yeah I know I am honestly not trying to read into it...Im actually tired of wasting valuable happy time thinking about something that took place so long ago. I just found it funny he left it open when he always makes a point to sign out and close it before I get on. Funny thats all.
Salicious Crumb Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 And no I wouldn't mind if my fiancé or husband caught up for a coffee and chat with an ex. When they were whispering sweet nothings to each other via email about how much they miss each other? Catching up with someone from your past is one thing....hooking up with them when they made it clear to each other how much they miss one another is completely a different matter. They obviously have feelings for one another still....so that makes it unacceptable. But really....EC just needs to dump him. His heart obviously doesn't completely belong to her.
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