Trialbyfire Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 Hmmm.... 1) Get a keylogger; 2) Trust blindly. I would get #1 if you have that gut feeling.
dropdeadlegs Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 It's only my opinion, but if I think I need a keylogger, what I really need is to take a walk right on out of his life. I'm in this for love and partnership, not to play private detective (although I'm sure I would make an excellent PI:D)
Trialbyfire Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 I see a keylogger as the lesser of the two evils. The gut feeling maybe wrong so why throw away a relationship due to mistrust? On the other hand, a keylogger can also confirm your gut feelings, therefore providing you with a real reason to walk. Sorry ladies, but blind trust isn't something that I'm ever prepared to do again. This is what experience is all about. Something you learn by instead of ignoring.
justagirlforever Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 In my opinion a keylogger is a gross violation. If someone ever did that to me it would be the absolute immediate end.
dropdeadlegs Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 I don't advocate blind trust at all. I advocate trust with your eyes wide open, but a keylogger means no trust to me. Sure, I could be deceived, but there's a certain amount of risk I'm willing to take. My gut has screamed and I've ignored it, but I listen to it closely now. My gut is almost never wrong. Yes, to each his own, but I would be alone before having to live like that. I don't think acting like Big Brother is the way to go.
Author EC Posted April 13, 2007 Author Posted April 13, 2007 I see a keylogger as the lesser of the two evils. The gut feeling maybe wrong so why throw away a relationship due to mistrust? On the other hand, a keylogger can also confirm your gut feelings, therefore providing you with a real reason to walk. Sorry ladies, but blind trust isn't something that I'm ever prepared to do again. This is what experience is all about. Something you learn by instead of ignoring. I have trusted blindly four times and I have been burned all four times. Im sorry if he has to suffer a little because of this. I really don't want to do the key logger thing. I mean if I have to go there whats the point of being with him. I did not see any recent e-mails between them. He was the last to write to her and I think she disappeared on him again and never wrote back and since he was with me he let it go. He still has the ticket of when he went to see her all the cruise pictures and everything about her. it bugs me. Whats hurts me is not only what he wrote but the fact that when it was brought up two years ago he said I was 'tripping' about him meeting up with her and that 'IT wasnt even like that anymore" That I needed to stop orrying and trust him. CLEARLY after reading the e-mails I did have something to worry about. Im not sur if it was because he was unsure of us at the time because of the long distance and now hes settled because its been two years... I feel like just saying..look im no so upset anymore and I hope your not with me but i found and read the e-mails and i want to talk about it??? In a non confrontational kind of way? What do you think?
Trialbyfire Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 I understand where you're coming from jag but each one of us have our demons and crosses to bear. If you look at the sheer number of both genders who've had the gut feeling and been right, better to be safe than sorry. I see it as the opportunity to nip a problem in the bud. More proactive than reactive, with the opportunity to save or salvage a relationship or yourself from the damage caused by the lying.
Trialbyfire Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 I have trusted blindly four times and I have been burned all four times. Im sorry if he has to suffer a little because of this. I really don't want to do the key logger thing. I mean if I have to go there whats the point of being with him. I did not see any recent e-mails between them. He was the last to write to her and I think she disappeared on him again and never wrote back and since he was with me he let it go. He still has the ticket of when he went to see her all the cruise pictures and everything about her. it bugs me. Whats hurts me is not only what he wrote but the fact that when it was brought up two years ago he said I was 'tripping' about him meeting up with her and that 'IT wasnt even like that anymore" That I needed to stop orrying and trust him. CLEARLY after reading the e-mails I did have something to worry about. Im not sur if it was because he was unsure of us at the time because of the long distance and now hes settled because its been two years... I feel like just saying..look im no so upset anymore and I hope your not with me but i found and read the e-mails and i want to talk about it??? In a non confrontational kind of way? What do you think? I think it depends on you. If you don't want hard proof one way or the other, you will have to be prepared to trust his word on it.
justagirlforever Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 I have trusted blindly four times and I have been burned all four times. A lot can change in two years. So has there been any solid concrete evidence of communication within the last two years? You still haven't answered that directly. Perhaps you should learn to trust with your eyes open? and not blindly. I've been there too. Trusted blindly when evidence shouted in my face. And got burnt incredibly badly. To the extent that I lost my home and my job (long story). But I've learnt from that and not making others pay for my own insecurities and blind stupid faith that I had.
Author EC Posted April 13, 2007 Author Posted April 13, 2007 A lot can change in two years. So has there been any solid concrete evidence of communication within the last two years? You still haven't answered that directly. Perhaps you should learn to trust with your eyes open? and not blindly. I've been there too. Trusted blindly when evidence shouted in my face. And got burnt incredibly badly. To the extent that I lost my home and my job (long story). But I've learnt from that and not making others pay for my own insecurities and blind stupid faith that I had. Oh I did answer.. I did not see any recent e-mails between them. He was the last to write to her and I think she disappeared on him again and never wrote back and since he was with me he let it go. He still has the ticket of when he went to see her all the cruise pictures and everything about her. it bugs me.
dropdeadlegs Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 I have trusted blindly four times and I have been burned all four times. Im sorry if he has to suffer a little because of this. I really don't want to do the key logger thing. I mean if I have to go there whats the point of being with him. I did not see any recent e-mails between them. He was the last to write to her and I think she disappeared on him again and never wrote back and since he was with me he let it go. He still has the ticket of when he went to see her all the cruise pictures and everything about her. it bugs me. Whats hurts me is not only what he wrote but the fact that when it was brought up two years ago he said I was 'tripping' about him meeting up with her and that 'IT wasnt even like that anymore" That I needed to stop orrying and trust him. CLEARLY after reading the e-mails I did have something to worry about. Im not sur if it was because he was unsure of us at the time because of the long distance and now hes settled because its been two years... I feel like just saying..look im no so upset anymore and I hope your not with me but i found and read the e-mails and i want to talk about it??? In a non confrontational kind of way? What do you think? For ease of discussion sake, let's say that he forgives the snooping and cut to the chase. If he has a good story and deletes the emails from his account, will you trust him more? Will it make you feel better about them if they're gone? I'm trying to figure out how you want this resolved. Or what will ease your mind. Will discussion be enough? Is it about the emails or the lie he told and how he reacted and turned it back on you as your problem? (which I'm picking up as being a common thing for him to do.) I'm clearly seeing how bringing up the emails can be harmful to the trust between you, but I'm having a harder time in seeing how bringing them up can benefit the relationship. I'm all for open communication, but I think I would be upset about the snooping, and I'm really worried about him keeping those emails all this time. I think my gut is beginning to scream. But I would really like to help, just not sure if I can.
Author EC Posted April 13, 2007 Author Posted April 13, 2007 For ease of discussion sake, let's say that he forgives the snooping and cut to the chase. If he has a good story and deletes the emails from his account, will you trust him more? Will it make you feel better about them if they're gone? I'm trying to figure out how you want this resolved. Or what will ease your mind. Will discussion be enough? Is it about the emails or the lie he told and how he reacted and turned it back on you as your problem? (which I'm picking up as being a common thing for him to do.) I'm clearly seeing how bringing up the emails can be harmful to the trust between you, but I'm having a harder time in seeing how bringing them up can benefit the relationship. I'm all for open communication, but I think I would be upset about the snooping, and I'm really worried about him keeping those emails all this time. I think my gut is beginning to scream. But I would really like to help, just not sure if I can. I dont know either...But a HUGE part of me wants him to know that I know. He is always going on about my insecurities and my mistrust and how I need to trust him BLINDLY. But then I find this. I kind of want to rub it in his face..Is that wrong? I know it is ...but I think its the only way I will feel better. For him to FINALLY admit he f*cked up. Then I guess I will be happy and say ok and let it go. Weird? I also want him to delete those damn e-mails. They date all the way back to 2002!! Let it go!
Author EC Posted April 13, 2007 Author Posted April 13, 2007 I also want to know why he changed his password again so quicklythe same day? Whats he hiding?
justagirlforever Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 Oh I did answer.. I missed that part sorry. OK: so nothing in 2 years. Personally I've kept all my emails over the past 7 odd years (since I opened my main email account) through various ex's. If that's bizarre, then so be it. I also keep all my old love letters, photos etc. And again, not because I can't let go of the past, but because it *is* my past = me. I'm not going to nullify my past. Anyhow, I'd have to agree with DDL's - what exactly do you want to see happen and will you trust him more by any action he takes or anything he says. Will that put your mind at ease and will you trust him going forward? Or just always think "what if"? What sort of a life to live a life of uncertainty, doubt and constant insecurity and no trust?
justagirlforever Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 I dont know either...But a HUGE part of me wants him to know that I know. He is always going on about my insecurities and my mistrust and how I need to trust him BLINDLY. But then I find this. I kind of want to rub it in his face..Is that wrong? I know it is ...but I think its the only way I will feel better. For him to FINALLY admit he f*cked up. Then I guess I will be happy and say ok and let it go. Weird? I also want him to delete those damn e-mails. They date all the way back to 2002!! Let it go! Then be done with it and speak with him. This is clearly a huge thing for you and you will always think "what if". ps: not a good thing to ever trust blindly. Eyes open!
IpAncA Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 I also want to know why he changed his password again so quicklythe same day? Whats he hiding? That doesn't mean he's hiding anything. Everyone is entitled to privacy.
Author EC Posted April 13, 2007 Author Posted April 13, 2007 That doesn't mean he's hiding anything. Everyone is entitled to privacy. I completely understand that..but the only one that would have it would be me and he says he uses yahoo only for work. So I was just curious as to why he would change it so quickly?
justagirlforever Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 I completely understand that..but the only one that would have it would be me and he says he uses yahoo only for work. So I was just curious as to why he would change it so quickly? You don't seem "just curious" - you seem like this is a really huge thing for you and constantly on your mind. If you aren't able to resolve this yourself (which seems unlikely), then you'll have to speak with him. Or in the long run your feelings of mistrust will be too deeprooted to change.
IpAncA Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 I completely understand that..but the only one that would have it would be me and he says he uses yahoo only for work. So I was just curious as to why he would change it so quickly? Probably doesn't want you snooping around and checking it whenever you feel like it.
dropdeadlegs Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 I dont know either...But a HUGE part of me wants him to know that I know. He is always going on about my insecurities and my mistrust and how I need to trust him BLINDLY. But then I find this. I kind of want to rub it in his face..Is that wrong? I know it is ...but I think its the only way I will feel better. For him to FINALLY admit he f*cked up. Then I guess I will be happy and say ok and let it go. Weird? I also want him to delete those damn e-mails. They date all the way back to 2002!! Let it go! I can understand wanting him to know that he hasn't fully duped you. If that's the case, tell him and let the chips fall where they may. One more time I am going to suggest examining the dynamics of your relationship. Don't mean to imply that you didn't hear me the first time, and I don't want to sound like a broken record. I know that there is someone, or even many someone's, that is right for each person. I have adopted a lifestyle that is as free of drama as possible because it's the only way I can live peacefully. I think you can do better than this guy form the little bit I know about you. I know you deserve to be able to truly trust because a person is worthy of that trust. Life really is short and happiness and peace are worthwhile goals. I'm gonna shut up now unless this takes a different direction. I think I've said my piece and don't have much more to offer. Good luck with talking to him. I hope you get what you need from it.
tanbark813 Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 I dont know either...But a HUGE part of me wants him to know that I know. He is always going on about my insecurities and my mistrust and how I need to trust him BLINDLY. But then I find this. I kind of want to rub it in his face..Is that wrong? I know it is ...but I think its the only way I will feel better. For him to FINALLY admit he f*cked up. I would bet money that he'd just give you a harder time about not trusting him.
justagirlforever Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 I know that there is someone, or even many someone's, that is right for each person. I have adopted a lifestyle that is as free of drama as possible because it's the only way I can live peacefully. Life really is short and happiness and peace are worthwhile goals. From this point of view DDL's we seem to live our lives (in these aspects) in very similar ways. And I agree that I can simply not be with somone I cannot trust without having to feel as if I have to snoop and keep tabs on someone. Life in deed is too short to live like that Good luck EC
Author EC Posted April 13, 2007 Author Posted April 13, 2007 I can understand wanting him to know that he hasn't fully duped you. If that's the case, tell him and let the chips fall where they may. One more time I am going to suggest examining the dynamics of your relationship. Don't mean to imply that you didn't hear me the first time, and I don't want to sound like a broken record. I know that there is someone, or even many someone's, that is right for each person. I have adopted a lifestyle that is as free of drama as possible because it's the only way I can live peacefully. I think you can do better than this guy form the little bit I know about you. I know you deserve to be able to truly trust because a person is worthy of that trust. Life really is short and happiness and peace are worthwhile goals. I'm gonna shut up now unless this takes a different direction. I think I've said my piece and don't have much more to offer. Good luck with talking to him. I hope you get what you need from it. Trust me I heard ya...I have evaluated and re-evaluated my relationship with him plenty of times and I don't know..... I love him is all I come up with at the end. He changed his myspace and yahoo. The same day. I do bet money he will probably give me a hard time about not trusting him but then you know what ...if he does that then I will seriously have to move on. Because he can't keep accusing me of mistrust..while he is chatting up a storm with the exes.
IpAncA Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 But it was 2 years ago. He told you about her. Sounds like he knows you pretty well and knows you well enough to snoop around. Personally I think your going to have to trust him. If you can't and he has given you reasons not to BESIDES the e-mails, then move on. I would wait on the key logger. If he found out and wasn't hiding anything, then you have a lot of explaining to do.
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