EC Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 Ok so Long story short...My bf gave me his myspace password to help set up his background. I was slick and tried the same password for his yahoo e-mail account. BINGO it worked. So I snooped and I found! I found e-mails between him and his ex gf. Basically she contacted him saying I called you and left a message. I miss you so much. I want to see you. I will be in your town for a week. He wrote back Hi I miss you to. It was very random tohear from you. You should have left a number so that I could call you back. I have a gf but i still think about you. And just because I have a gf don't let that discourage you from calling me. He then gave her his cell phone number. I remember he told me she contacted him and I was upset because he said he wanted to meet up with her to catch up and I said no way and he went off about how I have to trust him. From what i know she didnt call him and they never met up. The e-mails end with her saying i better be treating him right or else and to keep in touch with her and for him to send recent pictures of him. And she sent pictures of herself (biotch) I didn't find anymore e-mails between them. They were longer but those were the highlights basically. Anyways now Im upset but these e-mails are from about a year and a half ago. I don't know why he still has them saved. I'm angry but I don't know what to do. I know I know I shouldn't have snooped but I did and now I dont know how to tell him I know. Or if I should because then he wont trust me with private information again. BTW he changed his password the same day when he got home after i fixed his page.
justagirlforever Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 Personally I don't think there's anything wrong with catching up with an ex over a friendly drink & chat. Jealously & insecurity is an ugly thing - and usually only creates secrecy (leading to lies and/or resentment) with the other party. "Missing" can take several forms. I miss some aspects of my ex-relationship, but do I want it back? No. Another previous ex I kept in touch with (absolutely only ever on a friendly basis and we're still friends after 6 years) sends me an email every 6 months or so with photos of his "new" girlfriend and their daughter. There's simply no more to it than that. I still care for the people I had close to me in my life but do not neccesarily want a relationship with them again - neither have hang-up's or bagage about them secretly pining for the relationship back. What you did was wrong and you know that. If someone ever did that to me, I'd have major trust issues and possibly never forgive them. I value my privacy extremely highly - even with those closest to me. I have my ex's passwords to everything. I have never ever looked. Right now, if I were you, I'd not tell. It would do far more harm than good. Live with the guilt of betraying a trust for the sake of a relationship and future trust.
tanbark813 Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 Keep your mouth shut for now and just keep an eye on his emails. Trust me, dude, this is my area of expertise.
dropdeadlegs Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 Personally I don't think there's anything wrong with catching up with an ex over a friendly drink & chat. Jealously & insecurity is an ugly thing - and usually only creates secrecy (leading to lies and/or resentment) with the other party. "Missing" can take several forms. I miss some aspects of my ex-relationship, but do I want it back? No. Another previous ex I kept in touch with (absolutely only ever on a friendly basis and we're still friends after 6 years) send me an email every 6 months or so with photos of his "new" girlfriend and their daughter. There's simply no more to it than that. I still care for the people I had close to me in my life but do not neccesarily want a relationship with them again - neither have hang-up's or bagage about them secretly pining for the relationship back. What you did was wrong and you know that. If someone ever did that to me, I'd have major trust issues and possibly never forgive them. I value my privacy extremely highly - even with those closest to me. I have my ex's passwords to everything. I have never ever looked. Right now, if I were you, I'd not tell. It would do far more harm than good. Live with the guilt of betraying a trust for the sake of a relationship and future trust. I agree with this post. I understand snooping, but any info gained is not available for discussion once it has been discovered. This was a year and a half ago. Unless your BF has done something worthy of mistrusting him, I am curious as to why you need to snoop. I have responded to other threads in your favor, but is this more about your insecurity or his trustworthiness? You are a beautiful girl! I know that beauty does not confirm faithfulness, but if this relationship is causing you to worry too much about infidelity, I am certain that you would have no problem finding someone whom you could trust completely.
Author EC Posted April 13, 2007 Author Posted April 13, 2007 I don't know why I snoop. I always have. Not even in a bad way sometimes I am just very curious by nature. But most of the time I seriously find things when im not even looking. I haven't said anything but Its still killing me inside. I don't trust anyone really. Thats something I have been dealling with for years. Not guys, not friends, not even family members sometimes. And I know they say that those don't trust cannot be trusted, but it's not even like that. I guess because I was stabbed in the back so many times by all in the past Its very hard forme to accept that someone is doing good for me. I always think their is a secret motive or I'm not being told the whole truth.
IpAncA Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 I don't trust anyone really. I can understand being hurt many times but a relationship needs trust. How do you expect the relationship to work if you can't trust anyone. I wouldn't say anything about the snooping. The trust issue will come up from HIM. If you didn't find any current e-mails then it's hard to know if anything came about. Unless he tells you. Has he shown you can't trust him?
Author EC Posted April 13, 2007 Author Posted April 13, 2007 No real concrete proof but I just get this vibe and I this is the second time I catch him trying to meet up with an ex. The first time was a few months into our relationship and now this is the second time and its a dif ex. But we have been together 3 years and this all happened the first year. Lately he has been perfect but I dunno. Something is just nagging me. I dont know now if its woman intuition or just my craziness past haunting me.
IpAncA Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 That was 2 years ago. Has this been bothering you since then? I don't want to say you shouldn't worry but I think IMO you've let this crap creep up in your mind.
Author EC Posted April 13, 2007 Author Posted April 13, 2007 It was two years ago but I just found the e-mails a week ago. All he told me at the time was that his ex had called him and that she called 411 and found his number. Left a message on his machine with no return number. But he asked if she called again if he could catch up with her and meet up. I said sure as long as I could go. He never told me that she was pouring her heart out to him in e-mails. Saying she missed him and she made a mistake and she really wanted to see him. What hurt is that he said even though I have a gf dont let that discourage you from calling me I really want to see you. I still think about you all the time. That was almost two years ago but still I just found it.
IpAncA Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 I still think about you all the time. Yeah that would bother me too.
justagirlforever Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 You're now concerned about contact he had with an ex 2 years ago? And it's not as if they were saucy emails and having a relationship behind your back. You will really have to work on your trust issues. Believe me: a partner who's jealous and untrusting to such a level, will only created resentment in the other and may well lead to the other just doing things in secret & lies. And not necesarily because they wish to deceive - but because they perceive what they are doing or want to do, completely innocent. If we spend several years with someone and a relationship doesn't work out for whatever reason(s), we simply can't just deny that relationship ever happened and cut out that part of our lives. What a sad and lonely life that would be if we always have to start with zero. Where possible, I try to remain friends with those I had relationships with - because they were a part of my *life*. Not because I can't let go of the past and want to reminisce about history and can't move into the future. So give a little space and trust. It will go a long long way. You will really have to work incredibly hard at that by the sounds of it. Good luck.
tanbark813 Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 If we spend several years with someone and a relationship doesn't work out for whatever reason(s), we simply can't just deny that relationship ever happened and cut out that part of our lives. Uhh, yeah you can. It's only hard initially. Furthermore, if you don't do that then you run the risk of creating the kind of unnecessary concern that EC is now feeling. If you can't make a clean break then you have a problem letting things go.
justagirlforever Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 Making a break and letting go emotionally is one thing. Denying that something ever happened is nuts. I'm not going to deny several years of my life. Never to have a to speak a word to someone just because someone is jealous? Unless of course I didn't want to. I don't get it. Each to their own I guess and whatever makes someone feel most secure. I know that I will never ever have a relationship with someone who doesn't trust me and respect the fact that I still have contact with some of my ex's.
tanbark813 Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 I know that I will never ever have a relationship with someone who doesn't trust me and respect the fact that I still have contact with some of my ex's. There's a big difference between: "Hey, what's new?" and.. "I have a gf but i still think about you. And just because I have a gf don't let that discourage you from calling me." The former is understandable. The latter is a reason to mistrust. It's a two-way street. A person can't expect trust if they don't behave in a trustworthy manner.
justagirlforever Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 But that was 2 years ago - not recent. EC, how long have you two had a solid/exclusive relationship?
Advocate's_Devil Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 I would have a total problem with the fact that not only that he wrote those things in the first place, but that he kept the emails. I would back off for a while.
tanbark813 Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 But that was 2 years ago - not recent. It was while they were together.
Trialbyfire Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 With my most recent serial cheater experiences in mind...I would hold onto the password and wait him out. The emails you saw from two years ago sit in the big hole called "grey area", right on the rim of unacceptable. Continue monitoring his email. If there's nothing else, maybe it will help to put your mind at ease.
Author EC Posted April 13, 2007 Author Posted April 13, 2007 You're now concerned about contact he had with an ex 2 years ago? And it's not as if they were saucy emails and having a relationship behind your back. You will really have to work on your trust issues. Believe me: a partner who's jealous and untrusting to such a level, will only created resentment in the other and may well lead to the other just doing things in secret & lies. And not necesarily because they wish to deceive - but because they perceive what they are doing or want to do, completely innocent. If we spend several years with someone and a relationship doesn't work out for whatever reason(s), we simply can't just deny that relationship ever happened and cut out that part of our lives. What a sad and lonely life that would be if we always have to start with zero. Where possible, I try to remain friends with those I had relationships with - because they were a part of my *life*. Not because I can't let go of the past and want to reminisce about history and can't move into the future. So give a little space and trust. It will go a long long way. You will really have to work incredibly hard at that by the sounds of it. Good luck. He Met her on a cruise they had a a fling. He fell in love. She went back to Canada. He bought a ticket to see her. He went there and they spent a week together. He was more in love than ever. He stayed trying to communicate through e-mails and do the long distance thing but she eventually stopped writing back. And he kept writing to her and she would never answer. He has every e-mail saved. Then she shows up outta the blue a million years later when hes with me and tells him all that stuff. I believe that the e-mails around the time she called him out of the blue were not right coming from a guy who was in a 1 year relatinship already. He had been with me for a year and he was writing to her saying he missed her was dying to see her ..that he still thought about her all the time and that even though he had a gf to please call him. Thats not cool in my book. Had it been hey im super happy I have a great gf lets meet up for coffee ..then ok no prob. But its was a series of very flirtatious e-mails back and forth.
Author EC Posted April 13, 2007 Author Posted April 13, 2007 With my most recent serial cheater experiences in mind...I would hold onto the password and wait him out. The emails you saw from two years ago sit in the big hole called "grey area", right on the rim of unacceptable. Continue monitoring his email. If there's nothing else, maybe it will help to put your mind at ease. I can't He changed his password as soon as he got home that day! I checked.
tanbark813 Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 I can't He changed his password as soon as he got home that day! I checked. Time to get a keylogger.
dropdeadlegs Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 EC, based on this thread and the last one I posted on of yours, maybe you should carefully examine this relationship. I agree with justagirlforever that contact with an ex can be completely innocent, but I also agree with tanbark that the type of contact you BF had is out of line. Adding this all up, I think you don't trust him because he gives you reason to mistrust. In the other thread we talked about respect, and lack of respect. Three years is a long time investment, but another three is even more and if things don't change you, might not make it that far anyway. Trust is so important, but not everyone is worthy of trust. I have trust in my current relationship, but in past ones I didn't. I have snooped before. It made me insecure, and maybe it's making you insecure now. I'm just adding two and two together and somehow coming up with an "odd" number.
Author EC Posted April 13, 2007 Author Posted April 13, 2007 Time to get a keylogger. Whats that? Yeah it was while we were together. The first YEAR mind you which is supposed to be the best year? I was thinking that Our first year was long distance and those e-mails were writting during the first two weeks he moved down FINALLY to be with me seriously. So maybe it was his last little slip up or w/e. From what I know he has been good ever since which has been two years now. But I can't help not trust him sometimes. I really want to say something but I dont think it will be worth it to fight about something that he did two years ago. But what if she calls him out of the blue again>
justagirlforever Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 EC, forget the keylogger. You really don't want to stoop to the level of slime. I do agree with the furhter info you gave and if you've already been in a relationship with him for a year, that's not cool at all. I'd be very unhappy and start questioning where the relationship is actually going. However, are there any emails since then and within the past 2 years? Edit: if you're going to bring this up two years after the event, prepare yourself for a huge can of worms and the consequences.
tanbark813 Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 Whats that? It's a program you can install on a computer that records everything that's typed. One can find out many passwords that way if one were so inclined.
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