Icantletgo Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 I am 24 years old. Gonna have my graduate degree by the end of this semester. BF of 3 years and I broke up cause he wanted to date someone else (cheated on me for last 6 months of relationship). New girl is 19. We are trying to be friends now (everyday is torture) and he finally confessed that marriage scares him. That is why he is so happy with this new girl, cause he knows that they have a long time down the road until marriage would even come up. My question is: Then why the hell (during our relationship) did he always bring up marriage, our kids, and housing. I never brought up marriage or the future until HE:mad: started to!!!!!
Bree Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 My suggestion is no contact. He's just causing you unnessasary pain
Island Girl Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 BF of 3 years and I broke up cause he wanted to date someone else (cheated on me for last 6 months of relationship). We are trying to be friends now (everyday is torture) Why would you want to be friends with someone who completely betrayed you in the worst way possible? My friends wouldn't do that to me. And anyone that did would fully expect us NOT to be friends anymore after. You are putting yourself through torture for what?!! Just walk away and never talk to him again. Get this complete loser out of your life so you can move on and find someone who is good for you. Allow yourself to heal.
Author Icantletgo Posted April 12, 2007 Author Posted April 12, 2007 I did try nc. I told him to leave me alone and he'll come back and call me and show up at my house saying he is still in love with me but is confused cause he is "in love" with this girl. I think I'm pretty strong now. he's having major issues with this new girl and I've told him before that he ruined his chances of ever being w/ me again. So that is understood. Do i consider him a friend? no. I don't call him. i don't text him. He calls me and he texts me. I am just here for him to talk to. Part of me is just doing this so I do know what is going on and i get to see how pathetic his life is...it's sad but that gives me strength to move on from this LOSER. I just question everything he did/said to me. Cause I am still hurt. I envisioned forever with this liar. No more though.
Island Girl Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 I did try nc. I told him to leave me alone and he'll come back and call me and show up at my house saying he is still in love with me but is confused cause he is "in love" with this girl. There is no "try" when it comes to NC. If he shows up at your house you let him know you will call the police - and DO IT if he doesn't leave. If he calls, screen you calls and delete his messages (I'd delet them without even listening). If you happen to answer the phone. You just hang up when you hear his voice. I think I'm pretty strong now. he's having major issues with this new girl and I've told him before that he ruined his chances of ever being w/ me again. So that is understood. You'd be surprised. He interprets contact as you still caring about him. If things fall apart with this girl I wouldn't be surprised in the least if he started trying to rekindle your relationship. You were with this guy for 3 years and he knows what to say to you or what you'd want to hear. You're playing with fire. Do i consider him a friend? no. I don't call him. i don't text him. He calls me and he texts me. But when he calls you talk to him. And when he texts you answer. You shouldn't be responding. He made his bed. He will have a harder time with problems if he doesn't have you to go to. Make it as tough as you can by not talking to him or responding to him at all. He doesn't deserve to call on you as a friend or a sounding board for his problems. Don't even allow him or any of it to be a part of your life anymore. I am just here for him to talk to. Part of me is just doing this so I do know what is going on and i get to see how pathetic his life is...it's sad but that gives me strength to move on from this LOSER. I just question everything he did/said to me. Cause I am still hurt. I envisioned forever with this liar. No more though. His loss. Really you are lucky you didn't marry this LOSER. And you'd be surprising how much stronger you'd be and how much faster you'd heal with NC. Just move on and tell him his pathetic life has nothing to do with you anymore so you don't want to talk to him or hear from him in any way shape or form. And if he's feeling low because of problems he's having --- now is the best time and I'd say it in those words.
AriaIncognito Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 I think the thread got deleted where you were asking me about how i let go and whatnot. In my last reply last night, I basically stated that you were giving him control and needed to take it back. You need to do as the above posters said. Enforce NC whole heartedly. You aren't in NC if he's allowed to contact you. I realize you aren't "allowing" it, but if you're doing nothing to stop it from occurring, then you are still enabling it in ways. Delete his emails/IMs/voicemails/whatever. If he comes to your door, have someone else answer (if that is possible) and if not, don't answer the door. Else, answer the door and ask him to leave, and if he doesn't, you can tell him you're more than happy to get a restraining order. Those things are NOT pleasant and anyone in their right mind would steer clear from that point onward. You are only prolonging your own agony by continuing to allow this all to occur. I speak from 1 year of experience on this. I'm only on day 4 of NC, but well, it's day 4 and I'm still alive... Please, do yourself a favor, go NC.
Author Icantletgo Posted April 12, 2007 Author Posted April 12, 2007 I know all this. I know NC would be the best for me. That is why I tried to do NC. I actually didn't answer his phone calls for a day and none of text messages. he ended up calling my HOME phone, my BROTHER's phone looking for me. The thing is I know myself. when he doesn't text or call me, I use to be sad and depressed and wondering what he is doing and why he isn't contacting me. Now I really don't care. If i ever get to that point again where I am depressed when he doesn't contact me, then i will initiate NC again. I'm sorry if i sound weak but I still love him and even though he deserves to be alone i can't just let him cry by himself. Don't worry though. I am going out of town this weekend and I'm gonna have tons of fun with my girls. Thanks for your advice. hey, next week i coudl be on the forum being depressed again, but for now I think I can handle what comes.
Island Girl Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 I know all this. I know NC would be the best for me. Good. All you should be worried about is yourself and what is best for you. That is why I tried to do NC. I actually didn't answer his phone calls for a day and none of text messages. he ended up calling my HOME phone, my BROTHER's phone looking for me. There is no try. Who cares if he calls the entire planet looking for you? You just don't talk to him. Since you have opened the door after NC before he'll be more persistent next time - and worse after that, etc. You are teaching him that he should just keep trying. Your self esteem is suffering though you may not realize it. The thing is I know myself. when he doesn't text or call me, I use to be sad and depressed and wondering what he is doing and why he isn't contacting me. And that PASSES. You just give it time and those feelings pass - but you can't reach for that pacifier because it is damaging to YOU. Now I really don't care. If i ever get to that point again where I am depressed when he doesn't contact me, then i will initiate NC again. The point is you are still wrapped up in it all and you don't NEED to be. You should be moving on completely and as long as you are still doing this you won't. It certainly isn't fair to bring a man into a relationship with you while your ex that cheated on you and treated you like crap is still part of your life. Those are more problems than a man deserves when he is just trying to date a girl. I'm sorry if i sound weak but I still love him and even though he deserves to be alone i can't just let him cry by himself. You CAN let him cry by himself. You just WON'T. There is a difference. He has a girlfriend. Let him cry to her. He has other friends or family -- let him cry to them. This man cheated on you, lied to you, and discarded you. And yet, you still feel somehow like you should be there for him? It sounds to me like you are just trying to prove some kind of point to him -- like somehow he should have valued you more because "look what a caring person you are and look how much you cared about him". But he didn't see it then he won't see it now. Doesn't matter what he says - he's a liar, remember? Your name is 'I can't let go'. But it should be 'I won't let go'. Sorry if that is blunt. Don't worry though. I am going out of town this weekend and I'm gonna have tons of fun with my girls. Thanks for your advice. hey, next week i coudl be on the forum being depressed again, but for now I think I can handle what comes. I hope you have a great time and I hope it crosses your mind at least a couple of times that you can have this much fun without him in your life period.
Author Icantletgo Posted April 12, 2007 Author Posted April 12, 2007 you are right. I am here for him now cause i do wanna show him that i would have been the one for him you are completely right. i hate it. i love him and it's hard. Part of me just wants to see what will come of our friendship. no doubt in mind, if i find someone new i will tell ex to leave me alone cause that won't be fair to the new man. i feel like he is using me but maybe i am using him for comfort too while i wait for my next love. does that make sense?
AriaIncognito Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 I believe I love my ex too, and I'm doing NC. You see, if we actually love them, we have to also be willing to let them go, if that's what they wish. If it's meant to be, it will be, someday. In the meantime, we all need to get on with our lives and live it. Our exes aren't sitting around pining over us. They are out dating, having fun, maybe even falling in love. We need to try to do the same thing.
bendit Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 You need to do as the above posters said. Enforce NC whole heartedly. You aren't in NC if he's allowed to contact you. I realize you aren't "allowing" it, but if you're doing nothing to stop it from occurring, then you are still enabling it in ways. Delete his emails/IMs/voicemails/whatever. If he comes to your door, have someone else answer (if that is possible) and if not, don't answer the door. Else, answer the door and ask him to leave, and if he doesn't, you can tell him you're more than happy to get a restraining order. Those things are NOT pleasant and anyone in their right mind would steer clear from that point onward. You are only prolonging your own agony by continuing to allow this all to occur. I speak from 1 year of experience on this. I'm only on day 4 of NC, but well, it's day 4 and I'm still alive... Please, do yourself a favor, go NC. Nice post on the right way to implement NC....my you have come a long way!
Author Icantletgo Posted April 13, 2007 Author Posted April 13, 2007 Thanks you guys. Seriously. Thank goodness for these forums. It's great to see people who went through what I'm going through. I love seeing their progress and hearing their strength. I know I am weak right now. But I'll get stronger..I promise. I mean, I'm worth it.
AriaIncognito Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 Nice post on the right way to implement NC....my you have come a long way! I'm trying, Bendit. I really am. I want to move past this. I mean it this time. It's not fair to me that he's able to have his cake and eat it too, while I'm on an emotional rollercoaster. No more. His next woman (maybe even the one he met this weekend) can deal with the coaster now. I'm off it.
AriaIncognito Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 Thanks you guys. Seriously. Thank goodness for these forums. It's great to see people who went through what I'm going through. I love seeing their progress and hearing their strength. I know I am weak right now. But I'll get stronger..I promise. I mean, I'm worth it. We know you'll get stronger. We are just trying to help convince you of that so that you make the better choice for yourself. Put yourself first. You deserve it, and you're the only one who can do it :-)
Island Girl Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 you are right. I am here for him now cause i do wanna show him that i would have been the one for him The best thing you can do to show him how great you were is be MISSING. He is getting what he did appreciate from you - even now - without being with you. So what moment is he going to look around and say "I really wish _____ was here. Or I really wish I could talk to ______." He isn't going to because he always talks to you anytime he wants. How can you realize what you've lost if you still have it? In the meantime he loses any amount of respect he did have for you -- which was minimal because he cheated -- because he treated you so badly and you are still trying to help him. No one respects or cares for doormats. So don't make yourself one. i hate it. i love him and it's hard. Part of me just wants to see what will come of our friendship. As long as you are doing what you are doing, nothing will come of it but more torment for you -- hearing all of his stories about this other girl is not easy for you. You are putting yourself through torture unnecessarily. You THINK it will be harder to walk away -- and it may seem so at first -- but it really the easier move for you and enables you to heal and move on. no doubt in mind, if i find someone new i will tell ex to leave me alone cause that won't be fair to the new man. You won't be able to move on and find someone new as long as you are still communicating with the ex and hoping that the friendship will become something more again. That's why NC. i feel like he is using me but maybe i am using him for comfort too while i wait for my next love. does that make sense? Your self esteem is suffering in this. Don't do anymore damage to yourself just end the contact. You are standing with one foot in the past and one foot in the future. You have to move that foot stuck in the past and take your first step toward your new life and your next love or it will never ever happen. You'll just stay stuck. You continue to sacrifice your self esteem and future happiness for the guy that lied to you, cheated on you, and broke your heart. This is a man who doesn't deserve to talk to you let alone get sympathy for his poor decision making. So please take that step away from him. NC. Period. NC.
Author Icantletgo Posted April 13, 2007 Author Posted April 13, 2007 It just sucks. Cause i'm guilty of being one those girls who can usually only get over a breakup by finding someone new....SORRY
AriaIncognito Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 It just sucks. Cause i'm guilty of being one those girls who can usually only get over a breakup by finding someone new....SORRY This can help some people move forward, or it could just allow you to refocus your attentions (which might or might not be healthy attentions) to another person. If i were you (and well, I am in a way as I'm going through this too) I'd take time to be by yourself and learn how to be happy alone. You can't be happy with someone if you aren't happy with yourself. I'm trying to figure out how to be happy with myself before I go looking for another man to screw me over again :-)
Island Girl Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 You are choosing to be one of those girls. It is learned and you have learned that limping along is better than resting for a while so you can get up and walk again. It isn't. You get stronger much faster by letting a wound heal than keeping it ripped open.
Author Icantletgo Posted April 13, 2007 Author Posted April 13, 2007 You are all right. I haven't been single in ages. The thing is...right now...when I'm alone and thinking and searching through these forums, I feel lonely. But when I am out at my friend's house or out on the town, i feel empowered, the world is mine. My life decisions are going to be made for ME and me alone. It's just those nights when I feel lonely...when i feel I won't feel like I find anyone else. But of course I'm silly. I just have to wait and see what God wants from me. My destiny is set so I should just be strong and see what path is set for me.
shockandawed Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 Icantletgo, Hey there, I know what you are going through...Listen to what they are telling you though, it really helps. I was with my ex-fiance for almost 3 years...She breaks up in December, finds someone else immediately..we stay in limited contact. IMs..What a fricking rollercoaster! I thought I was getting over her but every single time we had contact, I took big steps backwards. At first I was doing it to attempt to stay in her life and get her back. It almost worked, thankfully it didn't. After that, I cut the contact back to every two weeks or so. I am someone who can't have someone be the center of my life for that long and then completely go away. The IMs were for the most part pleasant, she would confess something good about us or that she misssed and I of course ate that up. Then on the last one, she just snapped out of the blue and said some horrible and nasty things. It reminded me how quicky her temper would change when we were together. I finally did what I thought I couldn't do..completely removed her from my IM list, contacts, etc..It was hard, but it has made everything so much better. I have been casually dating for the last couple of months. I was getting frustrated because I would go out with girls that were fine, but I couldn't get any feelings started. Even though the contact was very limited, I guess she was staying in my head. Now, I have started dating some people and can feel the old fires starting to rekindle. Get him completely out of your life for awhile.. I promise you that you will not regret it. You can always catch up down the road when you have completely healed. Best of Luck!!
Author Icantletgo Posted April 16, 2007 Author Posted April 16, 2007 What hurts is that he is ready to date. He put up a new myspace page single and everything. And he didn't have one when we were together. now I know he wants to be available and he wants other people to "scope him out". it just hurts cause i'm not ready to date or anything but he is. BTW the girl he left me for left him for another guy then cheated on the other guy. i went over the other night and her picture was still out on the nightstand. Did it kill me? You bet it did. But it made me smile knowing that he is in PAIN. yea...i'm immature.
Author Icantletgo Posted April 16, 2007 Author Posted April 16, 2007 Did I mention that I went out of town this weekend w/ my girlfriends. Well he would call and text me and I didn't answer cause my gfs would NOT allow it. So (me being weak) I finally answered his calls on Sunday and he was like "i was so scared for a second that you wouldnt talk to me again" I told him that "it's hard for me to be your friend when i still love you. You are just my friend till you find someone new. Then i would be hurt again. but i guess, when that happens, it'll be the best for me" Then he says "I still ahve feelings for you. That is why I can't let go. But i dont want a relationship now. And I may not want to to be in a relationship w/ you again ever" SAD HUh? Oh yea...when I finally answered his phone calls his first question was "DID YOU MEET ANY GUYS?"
AriaIncognito Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 For one, of course he's ready to date. He's not in love with you. You're in love with him. I'm suffering from the same affliction. He's been out on a date already (my ex) which is what prompted my NC even though we were still being "friends" before. For another, you need to not take his calls. Youre not going to get any control back if you keep handing him your heart. You did so again by taking the call. You're back to day 1 again. Sorry to say. He's basically said to you "hey, I think i might be able to do better than you, but in case I can't, I want you to stick around and pine over me". Really, that's the literal translation of "I still ahve feelings for you. That is why I can't let go. But i dont want a relationship now. And I may not want to to be in a relationship w/ you again ever". My ex was the same way with me. You know what? If they aren't sure, kick their a$$es to the curb. I sure as heck deserve a man that doesn't think that there could possibly be another woman besides me, for him. You need to feel the same way.
Island Girl Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 Did I mention that I went out of town this weekend w/ my girlfriends. Well he would call and text me and I didn't answer cause my gfs would NOT allow it. Get them rallied in a "calling circle"!! Immediately. If you feel like calling him or he calls and you feel like answering the phone - CALL YOUR FRIENDS!!! They can remind you what a loser this guy is. Borrow their strength until you have your own. So (me being weak) I finally answered his calls on Sunday Ooooooooooooooooh Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo! and he was like "i was so scared for a second that you wouldnt talk to me again" GOOD!! --- Be scared you cheating loser! You had the best and you screwed it up. Live with it. Writhe in torture you cheating lying bastard. "Oh -- you want to talk to me?!!! I wanted a MAN with integrity too. I WILL find the man that is out there for me and get what I want. YOU will NEVER have me again. I was the best you are ever going to get. And you will NEVER have me again. Get used to settling for the rest of the girls out there who will cheat on YOU and lie to YOU. You deserve everything that you are going to get. You have a lifetime of regret to live -- this is just DAY ONE!" I told him that "it's hard for me to be your friend when i still love you. You are just my friend till you find someone new. Then i would be hurt again. but i guess, when that happens, it'll be the best for me" Weak, weak weak. Just stop. If you can't stop yourself from saying these kinds of things you CAN NOT talk to him anymore. You have no idea how your words are boomeranging back at your self esteem. Damage damage damage. You need to build back up not get torn down further. The worst thing is you are doing this to yourself. YOU have to be your own best friend. You have to take care of yourself. Read what is bolded. What about YOU finding someone new? This guy is a loser. A pathetic weak cheating bastard. He is nothing special. Then he says "I still ahve feelings for you. That is why I can't let go. But i dont want a relationship now. And I may not want to to be in a relationship w/ you again ever" What a complete self-centered A$$. He is using your affection and longing to boost his own self esteem while in the same breath he tears you down. What a winner! But I have to give you some tough love here: You allow him to do that to you. After all he has already done, you are groveling at his feet. He is not worth your time or effort in any way. STOP. SAD HUh? Yes. I am so sad you open yourself up to this and somehow buy in that it is better for you to keep in contact with him. It is wrong. You need to send him on his way - I wish I could transplant my thoughts into your head - or give you MY voice and MY words. He'd be reeling from the backhanded blow he'd get! But it is in your hands. YOU and your feeling of self worth is in your hands. You have to matter enough TO YOURSELF to do what is best for YOU. My GAWD girl! You would be surprised at how empowered you'd be if you allowed yourself to be ANGRY and rightfully so! Oh yea...when I finally answered his phone calls his first question was "DID YOU MEET ANY GUYS?" "No, I met MEN. It was a wonderful change!!!" Ugh. I am sorry if this comes off brutal. I just HATE it when a great woman allows some loser to effect her emotional well being. And then I long for the days when I could cut these jerks down to size!! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. What's his number?!!!
Author Icantletgo Posted April 17, 2007 Author Posted April 17, 2007 Don't laugh when I say this...i ordered his bday present a while back (couple of months in fact) and his bday is this weekend. i want to end things today but I still have the present that is like PERSONALIZED for him...so i was gonna give that to him..say good bye and walk out.
Recommended Posts