hurting_in_nw Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 My STBXW had obviously been depressed for quite some time. Low self-esteem, despite my daily compliments and loving attitude toward her. Unfortunately she has a tough time dealing with anything emotionally unpleasant, and usually chooses to either run away or find a crutch to help her through. Everything she has done, and you can read more about it here, seems to be textbook stuff for someone who is severely depressed. She has chosen not to end her A, and as a result we are now proceeding with D and she continues to see the OM (who is married, but separated she tells me). Recently she told me that she is going to see both a doctor and a counselor this week. My gut has been telling me that the A, the escapism from the marriage, has all been a direct result of her depression. Unfortunately, her reluctance to give up the relationship with the OM means I can no longer be committed to her emotional well-being. We are currently on NC except for emails regarding the business at hand and the kids. I have to wonder though, if she is prescribed anti-depressants and through counseling will 'wake up' so to speak and realize that she's made a mistake. I'm certainly not waiting around for her to do this and am proceeding with the business of D accordingly. But does this happen? Some friends of ours went through a similar ordeal with depression, but there was no A involved, just one partner all of a sudden deciding she had to 'get out of there.' Through therapy and medication, she realized that it was because of her depression, and that she really values the life and family that she has, and in a clear state of mind, has no desire at all to just run away from that. I am concerned however that my wife has taken the A to a sexual level at this point, now that she has moved out. Before, it was only kissing and emotional stuff, but I don't think I can forgive her if she crosses that final line, even if it is because of her depression. Just wondering if anyone's dealt with similar situations and what the outcome was.
Sup Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 I heard an old saying........ You can't help those who aren't willing to help themselves. You've done enough, IMO. Time for you to go your separate ways. I have a feeling that SHE is using this depression thing to do what she is doing, just an excuse.NOW EXCUSEyourself fromthe marriage, contact a lawyer, protect your assets, your home, etc.
Bryanp Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 Why would you believe what your WS said about the married man being separated? Contact the OM's wife immediately.
Author hurting_in_nw Posted April 13, 2007 Author Posted April 13, 2007 Why would you believe what your WS said about the married man being separated? Contact the OM's wife immediately. I know nothing about him. It's better that way. She's doing a fine job destroying her own life...there's no need for me to let her drag me down too.
Author hurting_in_nw Posted April 13, 2007 Author Posted April 13, 2007 You know what? Screw this b***h. I don't need her anyway. Today was a low point, but now I've picked myself up and feel even closer to just letting her go. The custody agreement is almost a done deal, then all that's left is to sell the house and most of our belongings, split the money, and I'm on my way with my son. She'll realize on her own just how screwed up she is, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna hang on to someone who could just throw away her whole family and a loyal husband for someone she had a "chance meeting" with and developed "strong feelings" for in such a short time, depression or no depression. It's pathetic and inexcusable. I'm glad I spit on her when I had the chance...it's what she deserved.
umbo Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 Hurting in NW I am so sorry and can feel your pain,agony. YOu sound like you deserve great love care and healing. Please continue to use this forum to vent all your fury and wrath. But it sounds like to me you have the vigor to overcome an affair and battle for your marriage fight for you wife and fight for your family. YOu have been dealt a very bitter circumstance by the devil but it is up to you if you want to fight for what is yours. I just felt lead to tell you that. good luck champion
dropdeadlegs Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 I'm so sorry that your heart has been trampled on. For what it's worth, I do believe that moderate depression could have played a huge part in the actions of your wife. I do not want to imply or infer anything concerning your personal relationship/story, and I don't have all the scientific jargon or statistics to back anything up, but I can share my experiences concerning depression. I have suffered from mild to moderate depression for as long as I can remember. Maybe my whole life. I'm now 42. I have been on a few medications, and seen several counselors during particularly low points. For the most part I just deal with it as best as I can most of the time. I'm not manic depressive, nor bipolar, at least i have never been diagnosed as such, but the high points in my life are very high, and the low points are very low. I don't always get the same satisfaction from things that many people do, and I sometimes get too much satisfaction form things that others might find silly. You could have been the perfect husband, but with a low self esteem, that might not have brought an appropriate amount of satisfaction to your wife. It's not your fault. An affair, whether emotional or physical, will only bring your wife short term "happiness" and then the low esteem and depression will kick in again. An affair being an unsavory action, it will probably make her feel even worse about herself in the long run. My experience with medications is that they can relieve the depression, but they have a myriad of other side affects that I didn't tolerate well. It takes time, patience, and commitment to find the right pill, and the right dosage, to fit ones needs. I didn't have enough of those things to get it right. In answer to your original question, I do think that your wife may wake up one day, possibly sooner and possibly later, and realize that it was the depression and esteem issues, not you, that caused her actions and the ultimate demise of your marriage. It may be too late to mend the situation, as it sounds like it already is too late. She probably isn't willing to end the A because right now it is making her feel fulfilled. The endorphin rush is temporary and the depression will return once the honeymoon stage is over, so she is fooled into believing that this is a "fix" but it's not really. If she falls further into depression, which is quite possible if this A doesn't work out, she may seek help, and you may be long gone. Brain chemicals are crazy things to ponder. What levels are enough, what levels are too much? It may be different for every person. Counseling has been beneficial to me. I understand myself better. I am more able to push myself through the bad days just knowing that it will get better. When I would like to pull the covers over my head and sleep for days, I make myself continue to function in the important ways. Tomorrow isn't always better, but it always gets better eventually.
harleygirl92156 Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 You know, if you blame the divorce and affair on her depression, then it removes all responsibility for any wrong doing in the marriage off you. That's convenient! What responsibility do YOU have in the demise of your marriage? No one is completely without responsibility in the demise of any marriage, maybe you should look and yourself a little instead of putting the focus for the wrong doing, the mistakes, the errors all on your wife. When all is said and done, divorce is the fault of BOTH parties.
Author hurting_in_nw Posted April 13, 2007 Author Posted April 13, 2007 You know, if you blame the divorce and affair on her depression, then it removes all responsibility for any wrong doing in the marriage off you. That's convenient! What responsibility do YOU have in the demise of your marriage? No one is completely without responsibility in the demise of any marriage, maybe you should look and yourself a little instead of putting the focus for the wrong doing, the mistakes, the errors all on your wife. When all is said and done, divorce is the fault of BOTH parties. I can take responsibility for her feeling unhappy in the marriage to a certain extent harleygirl, but she is the one who cheated, and I have no control over that. She is also the one who refused to end the A once it was out in the open, despite me giving her multiple chances to do so and work on our marriage. Every marriage needs work now and then, and there were certainly things that could have been worked on in ours. Unfortunately, rather than speak up and even hint that something was wrong, she chose to go out and meet somebody new, form a relationship with him, then announce out of the blue that she wanted a divorce a few weeks later. For whatever flaws I may have, nothing I did warranted her treating me that way, and had I known things were to that point for her, I would have done anything to save our marriage.
Woggle Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 It is called selfishness not depression. She knows exactly what she is doing and does not care how it is affecting you or how it makes you feel. Why is it so hard for men to believe that some women are just coldhearted and almost find joy in treating men like crap.
Author hurting_in_nw Posted April 13, 2007 Author Posted April 13, 2007 And harleygirl I should also add that I am in IC and am reading books focusing on self-examination, so that I can still learn what mistakes I may have made so they are not repeated in my next relationship, even though this one is beyond saving. umbo and dropdeadlegs, thank you for your posts!
dropdeadlegs Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 It is called selfishness not depression. She knows exactly what she is doing and does not care how it is affecting you or how it makes you feel. Why is it so hard for men to believe that some women are just coldhearted and almost find joy in treating men like crap. I agree with this to an extent. Depression can seem synonymous with selfishness. I do believe that she knows what she is doing, is making choices of her own accord, and likely not caring about the affect those choices are having on others. All she is concerned with is continuing this new found "high point." I just think she is mistaken if she thinks this is the answer to her problems. This will create a whole new set of problems, and possibly a big dose of self loathing at some point. A depressed person with low self esteem will not change those two parts of her psychological being by having an affair, even if the marriage was unsalvageable in her mind. Think of it all more like cocaine addiction. Logically most people know that the use cocaine is bad and addictive. Endorphins, dopamine, seratonin, etc. are like the same kind of high that cocaine gives. This affair is elevating those levels within her brain, and she will do whatever is necessary to keep those chemicals increased. But one day she will "crash", just like the cocaine addict does. The affair will not solve her underlying problems, and those problems often become even worse with the crash.
dropdeadlegs Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 I am in IC and am reading books focusing on self-examination, so that I can still learn what mistakes I may have made so they are not repeated in my next relationship, even though this one is beyond saving. You didn't ask for advice of that kind, but what you are doing is great. If everyone would do these things between relationships, instead of dragging the same, tired, worn out baggage into the next one, we would all find more happiness and find it sooner. Life is a journey, and relationships are sometimes little "trips" we take along the way. I'm trying to carry new luggage on each trip, and I'm packing better, too!
JustBreathe Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 That's right. Screw the witch. She is depressed, not insane. LOTS of people are. It is more common than many people think. She is lucid enough to know what she is doing - she is sleeping with another man and has left you for him. Give it up, dear. She is not worth your sorrow or you hope. Cut her loose and move on. Let her new boyfriend deal with her. In a year or two, you will wonder what you ever saw in her.
Sup Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 And harleygirl I should also add that I am in IC and am reading books focusing on self-examination, so that I can still learn what mistakes I may have made so they are not repeated in my next relationship, even though this one is beyond saving. umbo and dropdeadlegs, thank you for your posts! What hayley said before is crap! It's NEVER the other persons fault if they cheat. Why I'll have you know there have been people in here saying that they did EVERYTHING right, and still their spouse cheated, both men and women alike. Like someone else here mentioned, some people are just selfish! By the way, how did you get custody of your son, I would've thought she would put up more of a fight for him? Do you have everything protected? House, finances, 401k, etc.?
Author hurting_in_nw Posted April 13, 2007 Author Posted April 13, 2007 What hayley said before is crap! It's NEVER the other persons fault if they cheat. Why I'll have you know there have been people in here saying that they did EVERYTHING right, and still their spouse cheated, both men and women alike. Like someone else here mentioned, some people are just selfish! By the way, how did you get custody of your son, I would've thought she would put up more of a fight for him? Do you have everything protected? House, finances, 401k, etc.? Yeah, I take it with a grain of salt. Like I said, any faults I have weren't anything that deserved getting cheated on. Mainly it was communication stuff, and that type of thing is usually easily fixed through counseling, and well, communication. If I was abusive, or a drug addict, or a drunk, or a womanizer, or a gambling addict, I could see her point, but whatever. The last constructive conversation we had I told her that I wanted our son most of the time. I told her that he is basically all I have left, and that if she had any sense of decency left after what she's done to me, she'd let me have him. So she did. Finance wise, we already split the savings, paid off/cancelled all joint credit accounts (actually, this worked out well because I was the primary account holder, so I got to keep the cards and we just had her removed from them), and are using the joint checking acct. to pay the bills on the house, which we are splitting 50/50 until it sells. We will split the proceeds from the house 50/50 as well. If anyone was going to make this ugly it was me, and even though she doesn't express a lot of outright remorse for what she's done, it's clear she feels bad about it, to a certain extent anyway. Doesn't change the fact that she's still seeing the OM though.
Sup Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 Well...... like someone else here said, forget her! I know, not easy. But, you get the all the points in general.
Curmudgeon Posted April 14, 2007 Posted April 14, 2007 Very wise. That's precisely what I spent two years doing post-divorce for exactly that reason; to recognize, accept, deal with and lay to reast my faults in the former marriage and avoid repeating those mistakes in any subsequent relationship. So far, so good! Since you mentioned depression, there's a possibility that your wife may be bipolar. If she's Type 2 it's not always obvious beyond the depressions but treating them alone can often be worse than no treatment at all. Many bipolars act our sexually while in manic stages and that includes the hypo-manic stages that Type 2s have. Just something to think about!
Trialbyfire Posted April 14, 2007 Posted April 14, 2007 I agree with Sup. Each person is responsible for their share of the demise of the relationship but the cheater is fully responsible for cheating. It's a selfish choice.
harleygirl92156 Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 First I want to say, I am not the cheater in my marriage, I am the one that was cheated on, so I am in your same position. I too, for a long time, blamed it ALL on my husband and his addiction. In two and a half years, I have worked on me and realize that I to played a part in his infidelity. Yes the choice was his, but I found that things in the marriage, the way I communicated with him or didn't communicate with him, didn't set boundries and stick to them, did all for him even when he could do it himself, knocked his self esteem in the dirt. Yep no excuse for cheating, but what I am saying is there are reasons it happens, cheating is a symptom of problems in the marriage, problems that involve both parties. Yes there are those that will cheat no matter what, they are just wired that way and the spouse has no part in it really, but those are few and far between. When I read the post it just seemed he was trying to blame everything on the depression and of course that would take the blame off him and HER. That isn't healthy. We must look at both sides of the relaionship, figure out what was wrong with the relationship, and be willing to work on those things together. She didn't cheat because she was depressed, she cheated because she was looking for something she needed and she wasn't getting it within the marriage. In a perfect world she would have come to you her husband and talked to you about what she needed from you or what she was missing in the marriage, but in the real world that doesn't ususally happen. Is cheating a selfish act, YOU BET IT IS, but not looking at yourself and the part you MAY have played in it is also a selfish act.
jmargel Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 It's not depression that caused this, it's immaturity. And that's something you can't fix with a pill.
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