Jolene Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 I’ve been married for 6 months. My husband has always worked extra hours when necessary, making Christmas time and other times a bit lacking for “spirit”. He has been working excessive hours for the past few months and even complained of feeling exasperated and overwhelmed with other home responsibilities because of the stress at work. I was a bit upset seeing as I think we need to be an equal partnership despite work pressures. Oh well. Stupidly, I cancelled our family vacation venue and some other registrations coming up in the next few months so that he could have room to breath and we could rethink our plans to accommodate his schedule. Well, he said he was heartbroken because I did not consult him before making these cancellations and he was really looking forward to our plans. He was angry. When I got home, he said he wasn’t sure if I had the same idea of “family life” and for the first time ever, he thought maybe he made a mistake by marrying me. He said he was going to think about whether we should get a divorce (counseling is not a consideration with him) because he wasn’t sure he could trust me. I was floored, because I knew he would be mad, but geez! That’s not necessary. He cried. He could not tell me he loved me. I cried and didn’t sleep all night and took the day off work next day. Very very scary for me. He would make me leave and it would be a huge pain in my heart if he just decided it would be over like that. Anyway, he is not divorcing me afterall, but says he will have to trust me. My concern is that he actually will pull the plug the next time he is hurt or angered by me. Like, do some people use divorce as an empty threat and say these horrible things in anger, or do most people intend to follow through with the threat. Now that he has confided this belief to me, I will always wonder if he thinks he made a mistake. I will always wonder if he really loves me. I will always wonder if he is just hanging in to bide time and will pull the plug on me willy nilly when he isn’t getting his own way. Basically, I just don’t know if it’s right to tip-toe around my husband because I am afraid of his compulsivity to divorce. I guess I have to build a separate bank account in case he decides to throw us away (I have an 8yr old son). But you wanna believe if he finds out about a separate account, he might flip again!!! Any help is appreciated with this. My husband is 40 and never married or common-law. He has a hard time listening, really listening, and likes to have his own way quite often. But don’t we all.
Guest Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 Wow, that's a hard one. How long were the two you together before getting married? Sounds like some other issues are at play here...possible work-a-holism and lack of consideration for another's feelings...namely, YOU. I was in a relationship for 5 1/2 years wher my partner would threaten to end the relationship if he didn't get his way. I tip-toed around him incase he would 'blow a gasket' because I loved him and didn't want the relationship to end. It did with his final threat because I just couldn't take it anymore. What happens is this.....if you decide consciously or not, to 'tip-toe', you sell yourself out. You get the short end of the stick per se. Your needs become secondary and eventually, you will be so miserable that divorce will look like you've just won the lottery. It is a form of emotional abuse once that cycle begins. If you don't 'tip-toe', he will see YOU as the problem if you ask, confront or question him. He says now you have to prove yourself.......See what I mean? YOU have become the proble because it sounds like he likes control and does deal well when someone else makes a decision. Marriage, relationships and partnerships require a high level of maturity/ UNSELFISHNESS in order to survive. Does he have that quality? You said he likes his own way alot.....how much do YOUR needs matter? Could it be that your husband has committment issues? I mean, I know he married you, but why did he wait so long to marry? The work-a-holism---was that to avoid the lonliness of single life or to be unavailable? I think you've got some huge thinking to do here, hun. I wish you all the best, minus the heartache. You sound like a great woman.
hurting_in_nw Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 I hate to break it to you but there's a lot in your post that points to him having an affair.
whichwayisup Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 I was a bit upset seeing as I think we need to be an equal partnership despite work pressures. Oh well. Stupidly, I cancelled our family vacation venue and some other registrations coming up in the next few months so that he could have room to breath and we could rethink our plans to accommodate his schedule. Well, he said he was heartbroken because I did not consult him before making these cancellations and he was really looking forward to our plans. He was angry He has a right to be angry, you want a partnership with him, yet you go and cancel vacation plans without dicussing it with him. Appologize for that, it was a mistake... I agree with Hurting, there's more going on in your marriage - He may not be cheating, but you two DO have communication problems, and neither of you are really 'listening' to eachother...Time for marriage counselling...
Ariadne Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 I just don’t know if it’s right to tip-toe around my husband because I am afraid of his compulsivity to divorce. Yeah, that sucks. I'd say tell him, if you want to get divorced, let's get divorced then. (No need to be afraid, have some money in savings just in case) Ariadne
Island Girl Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 He has a right to be angry, you want a partnership with him, yet you go and cancel vacation plans without dicussing it with him. Appologize for that, it was a mistake... I agree with Hurting, there's more going on in your marriage - He may not be cheating, but you two DO have communication problems, and neither of you are really 'listening' to eachother...Time for marriage counselling... I agree with WWIU. You had a family vacation planned and you took it upon yourself to cancel it. With all of the extra work and stress I would think he was really looking forward to relaxing and being able to enjoy his family for the first time in months. You took that away without talking to him. That was really wrong - especially from the way you describe him. He deserves a sincere apology and an expression of your understanding that you made a major decision without consulting him and that it won't happen again. I'd say tell him, if you want to get divorced, let's get divorced then. This is dangerous -- very dangerous -- to do in a marriage. The way you are feeling -- insecure in the relationship can be helped with open communication. If you say this - there is perhaps the misperception of both people wanting a divorce and that may not be the case. This kind of reaction can shut down communication on both sides which is certain death. Divorce should not be thrown out as a threat but it shouldn't be flippantly thrown back either. Open communication is really what you need. Is there any way you can talk to him about how you've been feeling since he said this?
LakesideDream Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 Where to begin? Married to a man for six months. This man works excessively hard, brings home the filet mingon, not to mention the bacon. This guy is responsible, building for the future. He's supporting you and your child from a previous relationship. You thank him for all the above by pulling making the unilateral decision the plug on the familys planned vacation , and "other registrations" because you are angry you aren't getting enough attention, feel he doesen't spend enough time with you, and you want to send a message. Well lady, he got your message and didn't like it. I don't blame him for pulling the Divorce card. You picked this focused hard working guy. I suspect one of the reasons was the security he would provide you and your child. There is a very good chance that he believes that he married very badly six months ago. If you honestly realize YOU made the mistake, do your best to convince him you are sorry for your error. Maybe he loves you enough (after six months) to forgive and overlook your selfish actions. You need to understand that after six months, he may have realized he married badly and does not want to spend his life providing for you, and your child without receiving the positive reinforcment he needs. Good speed to him, I hope he does what's best for him.
Ariadne Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 Hi, This is dangerous -- very dangerous -- to do in a marriage. No, dangerous is to live under some threat. If you say this - there is perhaps the misperception of both people wanting a divorce and that may not be the case. No, it only takes one. Ariadne
Island Girl Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 Hi, This is dangerous -- very dangerous -- to do in a marriage. No, dangerous is to live under some threat. If you say this - there is perhaps the misperception of both people wanting a divorce and that may not be the case. No, it only takes one. Ariadne She is not in danger first of all. Secondly, when someone says "divorce" and it is NOT wanted by the other person the worst thing you can do is throw it out there as well. It stops communication and sends both people into defense mode. You aren't married. I don't expect you to understand what it takes to be married or stay married. To the OP it takes communication - a lot of communication. And if your husband made that remark about divorce without thinking or in the heat of the moment - it needs to be addressed with how you are feeling not another wrong remark. The word divorce puts everyone on the defensive - he says it to you and you're scared and insecure. If you say it back it could be interpreted to mean you don't care or shut down completely and that is exactly what you don't want.
Ariadne Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 The word divorce puts everyone on the defensive - he says it to you and you're scared and insecure. If you say it back it could be interpreted to mean you don't care Exactly. The point is not to be scared, insecure, and defensive. You are not supposed to feel that way in a healthy relationship. If the guy is threatening divorce, the worst thing to do is get scared. If he wants to get divorced, go ahead I'd tell him. I'm not there to make him change his mind. I've been married and divorced twice, I know about unhealty relationships, Ariadne
Island Girl Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 Exactly. The point is not to be scared, insecure, and defensive. You are not supposed to feel that way in a healthy relationship. So you communicate these feelings and try to resolve them. Not throw out additional threats which creates NOTHING but more problems and breaks down communication even more. I've been married and divorced twice, I know about unhealty relationships, Ariadne Should I be surprised? Or think that somehow because you haven't had a successful marriage that you know what makes one work?
Ariadne Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 Hi, Not throw out additional threats which creates NOTHING but more problems and breaks down communication even more. She wouldn't be throwing threats but supporting a decision he made. Should I be surprised? Or think that somehow because you haven't had a successful marriage that you know what makes one work? No, I know what doesn't work. Ariadne
britchick Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 You say in your post that you cancelled the vacation etc. to give him some breathing space but later on state that you knew it would make him mad. Why would you cancel plans like this without talking to him? I would be fuming if this was done to me. It sounds like he's working too hard and that you are resentful of that - not a good combination. He's tired and looking forward to a break away which you cancel and he blows up and says something he probably now regrets. Of course, it's not good in the middle of an arguement to say you want a divorce, but we all say things we don't necessarily mean when we are angry. It does sound like there is more going on here than you say. Are you working? Why is he having to work so much? Is it to pay off debts? Do you resent the long hours he is working? Did you really cancel the plans for him, or were you trying to punish him for something? You two need to talk.
Author Jolene Posted April 13, 2007 Author Posted April 13, 2007 Thanks to all for the feedback. I know I made a crucial error. The reason why I lashed out is because yes, I work hard as a legal assistant. I commute longer hours and have relied on his willingness to help me raise my child. My husband took on many responsibilities from the beginning, which I have relied on. His recent work habits finally caused him to express needing more support and that meant, I thought, taking back "my jobs", but I resented that because family is supposed to come first. I overreacted, which I cannot forgive myself for. I really handled it badly. I want a normal life. I want him home with me more often, yes. Instead, he has put me in the doghouse until further notice. I agree with keeping the communication open. I would not challenge his invitation to divorce, because he really will go for it. He is capable of being alone and would rather be destitute than in a crappy marriage. Anyway, I just wonder if he'll ever come out of it. I wonder if it is just a big disaster. I was wrong. I apologized and showed him I cared and was very sincere. The vacation plan was reinstated the next day along with all the other changes. It helped a bit. Today he says he forgives me, doesn't think he made a mistake, but hinted that there is was a lack of confidence. (?) I am not in the doghouse anymore, but he sent me an email for something this morning and addressed me by my first name and not "honey" "my love" or any other terms of endearment. oh well. He says he's tired and a bit sad from this and from work. What are the chances that work is what's truly starting to depress him? What can I do to help? I feel so powerless. Can I make a difference if his work life has just entrapped him in this funk? It's hard to believe that this can go on indefinitely and that he may be moody and irritable most of the time indefinitely. I am prepared to see it through.
Author Jolene Posted April 13, 2007 Author Posted April 13, 2007 Marriage, relationships and partnerships require a high level of maturity/ UNSELFISHNESS in order to survive. Does he have that quality? You said he likes his own way alot.....how much do YOUR needs matter? I have often felt that my needs to not matter, and that is why I have engaged in discussion many times. He eventually ignores me or walks away. He is afraid of being "pussywhipped" or "walked on". A month after we were married, I found a box of porn vidoes, some "barely legal" in our storage area. He told me before we were married that he didn't need that stuff or have it in his house. He lied to me and couldn't understand why I was so upset. I thought I made a mistake by marrying him, but I did not tell him that. I am still willing to be with him. Shortly after that, he did not even give me a card for Christmas. We bought leather jackets in October, so he said afterwards "let those jackets be our gift to each other". Is he insensitive or emotionally abusive? I don't know. I am too busy taking all the blame for things that go wrong. I am confused.
LakesideDream Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 In one paragraph you state that your husband took on responsibilities for raising your child (!) something that should be 100% your responsibility, any help from him being manna from heaven. In another you claim you had second thoughts about marrying him over leather jackets (?) and a box of porn video's he aquired as a single man, and had stored in the garage? You are a selfish, heartless, harpy. You do not deserve this selfless and generous man. Let him go to be "destitue and alone". He deserves much better than you. Without a doubt there are hundreds of women in your area that would feel proud to be married to a quality man that you are not satisfied with.
Trialbyfire Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 In one paragraph you state that your husband took on responsibilities for raising your child (!) something that should be 100% your responsibility, any help from him being manna from heaven. I 100% disagree with this. The raising of children are both parents' responsibility.
Author Jolene Posted April 13, 2007 Author Posted April 13, 2007 In one paragraph you state that your husband took on responsibilities for raising your child (!) something that should be 100% your responsibility, any help from him being manna from heaven. In another you claim you had second thoughts about marrying him over leather jackets (?) and a box of porn video's he aquired as a single man, and had stored in the garage? QUOTE] I wouldn't have married him if he could not demonstrate being a responsible father. We agreed from the start that family is more important than work. I work for lawyers, and have turned down a few jobs because they expected too much overtime. Now he is working constantly and leaving me stranded without the car. I overreacted to his claim of being overwhelmed because he wants to have a baby, and so far I am not sure he could handle that kind of stress. I am torn. I will have to live with that, even if it means losing him. Second thoughts were about the videos, yeah, for a few minutes and then I realized how stupid it would be to separate over such a small issue. The lying is what bothered me, not the content of the videos per se. It's a breach of trust. Do you have a chip on your shoulder? My husband should not divorce me over some plans that were reinstated very easily. We are in our first year and still learning. Or maybe you are right and he deserves someone else.
LakesideDream Posted April 14, 2007 Posted April 14, 2007 I 100% disagree with this. The raising of children are both parents' responsibility. TBF, how on earth can you make this claim? The man described married the mother who has an existing child, by a different man. That is a good and couragous act. He has absolutely no status concering that child unless he decides to adopt it, and is allowed to by it's natural mother and father. There is no place in law, or the popular psycology where you can find implied rights or duties for a "step", none, nada. The childs natural father retains the responsibility for support, fatherhood, et al. Anything he contributes to the child is largess, out of generousity. The fact that the mother claims one of the reasons is that she believed he had "demonstrated" that he could be a good father, presumably for someone elses child. That's unfair, the child already has a father, let him step up. Defend this woman if you like, but do not claim that he needs to be 100% responsible for her child, or that he is that childs parent... cause it ain't so.
Trialbyfire Posted April 14, 2007 Posted April 14, 2007 TBF, how on earth can you make this claim? The man described married the mother who has an existing child, by a different man. That is a good and couragous act. He has absolutely no status concering that child unless he decides to adopt it, and is allowed to by it's natural mother and father. There is no place in law, or the popular psycology where you can find implied rights or duties for a "step", none, nada. The childs natural father retains the responsibility for support, fatherhood, et al. Anything he contributes to the child is largess, out of generousity. The fact that the mother claims one of the reasons is that she believed he had "demonstrated" that he could be a good father, presumably for someone elses child. That's unfair, the child already has a father, let him step up. Defend this woman if you like, but do not claim that he needs to be 100% responsible for her child, or that he is that childs parent... cause it ain't so. Hmmm...looks like I missed the reference that the child wasn't his. Married 6 months with an eight year-old son doesn't equate. I do believe though that some concessions need to be made when you enter a relationship with someone with a child/children. It's reality. The child/children come first. I do agree that she did a very selfish thing by cancelling the vacation due to his lack of attention because he was busy at work.
LakesideDream Posted April 14, 2007 Posted April 14, 2007 Hmmm...looks like I missed the reference that the child wasn't his. Married 6 months with an eight year-old son doesn't equate. I do believe though that some concessions need to be made when you enter a relationship with someone with a child/children. It's reality. The child/children come first. I do agree that she did a very selfish thing by cancelling the vacation due to his lack of attention because he was busy at work. TBF, I understand your reply now. The first time I read it I didn't believe what I was reading, it was completely out of character for your LS persona. Of course a man entering an existing situation where a child is present must, and surely expects to "make concessions". I acknowledged that by saying he was good and couragous. The man must have courage to enter into that situation. The reality is that the OP needs to evaluate her position carefully. I cannot find anything praiseworthy in her position. Even her "porn" (with some Barely Legal) reference was contrived in a LS context, she's trolling for public support for her wrong headed actions.
Author Jolene Posted April 15, 2007 Author Posted April 15, 2007 she's trolling for public support for her wrong headed actions. Au contraire!! I was shocked and bewildered that my "wrong headed" actions had precipitated such drastic results on the other side. So all I was looking for here was anyone else's similar experience to see if this will be a pattern....i.e. he gets pissed off or hurt about something and immediately wants to get a divorce without any counselling. One person actually did say she had a five year relationship with someone like that, and it sounded pretty crafty. Winning the lottery would be getting a divorce from someone who always overreacted and hung divorce in the air until you proved your worthiness. Life is too short to be miserable. Mainly, I am concerned that my husband is either trigger happy to begin with or else he may continue to manipulate me whenever he gets upset. I am not saying that what I did was honourable. In fact, I feel pretty crappy about it. And now that my husband has had a few days to mull it over, he's totally back on track, says he forgives me and that he doesn't think he made a mistake. So, you are right, he loves me enough. And I don't have to seek his reassurances quite to the extent that I used to. I really know now that he loves me enough to get through this one, so I've learned my lesson, but I've also learned to keep a separate bank account "just in case". I think this experience taught us both to value the relationship more. I hope so, anyway. Anyway, thanks for your post even though you are brutal. I have considered your words and tried to imagine that my husband would feel the same hositility, and now that it has all passed I feel as though I've won the lottery in having his forgiveness. Moving forward, I'll do whatever I have to in order to prevent this kind of blowup. I just have to trust him and realize that he is a bit "fragile". I'm not used to being with a fragile man. I am used to being with men who are able to duke it out and scream and shout if they have to. But it seems to me that if I went to him and told him I was commited to indefinite overtime, exhausted and overwhelmed and needed more of his help, it would seem silly and I would not want him to see me as inadequate. I don't think it's intentional, but I believe now more than ever that I as a woman, really cannot expect equality per se...in fact, that's a ridiculous request and has gotten me into this mess to begin with. Whatever. Things are just a whole lot better in my household when I do most of the domestic work, partly because I truly am better at it. I am happy to help him out when he asks, only I just wish we could have had that discussion before we endured several weeks and months of irritable and impatient behaviour. Would you want to go away on vacation to a little cottage resort with someone who was impatient and irritable most of the time because of their preoccupations of a job that doesn't even pay overtime? He makes less than $75K and I make $52K. If he made more money, I would understand working all the extra hours for no extra pay. Anyway, I'm fine with it if that's what he wants to do. I'm happy if he just empties the dishwasher once in awhile. Yeah, I got his attention and now that I have reinstated all of the plans, we will definitely have a good time on vacation. I had no way of knowing that he really wanted to go or if he was just coming along resentfully and would be grumpy the whole time. Just wish I didn't have to be so drastic to get his attention. He seems happier now, though. I love him and showed him how sorry I was. Now he knows. FYI... [i was completely independent when I met my husband, and my son was 6. When my husband and I moved in together, my husband (by law) became "in loco parentis" which is a legal term here in Canada (don't forget, I am a legal secretary/law clerk) which describes being in the place of the other parent or an absent parent. That means being responsible for the care, physical and emotional maintenance and education of the child in the same manner as a biological parent would be obligated. Even a step parent without a formal adoption order can be liable for child support upon the dissolution of a marriage because of [i]in loco parentis[/i].] Thanks.
Recommended Posts