Guest Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 I was wondering if it's normal to not feel guilt at all about your A. In my case, I know the W (she's my co-worker) and I know the kids as well but I do not fell any kind of guilt when I talk to her or interact with their kids, I mean NOTHING! no guilt AT ALL... I even sometimes think there is nothing wrong with what I'm doing. Is this normal?? I always hear that a lot of OM feel terrible guilt about the A...not me though...
PoshPrincess Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 I was wondering if it's normal to not feel guilt at all about your A. In my case, I know the W (she's my co-worker) and I know the kids as well but I do not fell any kind of guilt when I talk to her or interact with their kids, I mean NOTHING! no guilt AT ALL... I even sometimes think there is nothing wrong with what I'm doing. Is this normal?? I always hear that a lot of OM feel terrible guilt about the A...not me though... 100% honesty? Neither did I, although I have to say that MAY have been different had I known the W and kids I guess. I have always felt bad for having NOT feel guilty. I really wish I could say I had done. The only time I did feel bad was once W found out. I think that was because I spoke to her and all of a sudden she became "real". I still carried on seeing MM though as by this time I was too in love to let go. And, NO, I am not proud of any of this. I DO feel guilty for the amount of hurt MM and I caused each other. I probably shouldn't be concerned for him but I loved him and he never hurt me intentionally. We just put each other under a lot of emotional pressure. Hey, it's over now, he's back with W and hopefully happy. I too have moved on (although am not sure about emotionally).
sadbuttrue Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 i wouldnt say that it is normal not to feel guilt. i do think that if you knowingly become involved in a R with a MM/MW then it may be some sort of defense mechanism for you. if you dont feel guilt, it is easier to continue. i feel extreme guilt, but not enough to stop completely. it is a hard battle.
NoIDidn't Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 Maybe you don't feel any guilt based on the fact that he has painted a picture of her as unfeeling and uncaring? Maybe you don't feel any guilt because you DO know her and you DON'T like her much? Maybe you don't feel any guilt because you feel entitled to what is going down behind her back, like having revenge on her for some perceived wrong to you or benefit that you feel she gets that you don't? Maybe you are just one of those rare conscience-free people that don't care about the feelings of others as long as you get what you want? BUT Maybe, if you really search yourself, you will find that you can't feel much of ANYTHING absent of intense feelings for him because the A is slowly turning you into someone you will NOT recognize in a few more months all to keep the good feelings coming.
whichwayisup Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 You probably won't feel any guilt until you "see" his wife and children's pain when the A is found out, firsthand and upclose. Until it affects YOU personally and you suffer abit. Then, it will be real and you'll feel guilt.
Cliche Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 I was an unwilling OW. I feel terrible, awful guilt. I've told him how much I hate that I'm with another woman's husband. My line was always a fully separated person. When my exh and I separated, it didn't bother me that he dated. I knew it was all over but the ink on the paper. But this guy told me he was separated and he isn't. My line in the future is total divorce. And I'll be damned if I'm not going to do background checks before I get involved. Some days, the guilt is the worst part. She sounds nice. I'm sorry I fell in love with her husband.
Trialbyfire Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 You've compartmentalized the family from the Affair. It's not healthy to be so splintered. It will catch up to you sooner or later.
Tomcat33 Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 You will feel guilt and empathy for his wife the day he ends it with you. The same callous words that he uses to shut you out, the cold body language and complete change in attitude with help you empathise with what he must be doing at home to his W when he decided to pull away from her. I felt extreme remorse when the EA started which is why I refused to get in involved with him unitl he fully moved out and showed signs that a separation was in progress. Once that happened I felt less guilt but when he would try to break it off with me to flip flop back and forth is when I fully saw what he must have said and how he acted with his W to break free from her. It was only then that I felt her true pain. Basically you will feel remorse when he shows you his true colours the side of him his W saw a million times before but which he hid from you because he wanted to have you there.
Babybird Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 Maybe you don't feel any guilt based on the fact that he has painted a picture of her as unfeeling and uncaring? Maybe you don't feel any guilt because you DO know her and you DON'T like her much? Maybe you don't feel any guilt because you feel entitled to what is going down behind her back, like having revenge on her for some perceived wrong to you or benefit that you feel she gets that you don't? Maybe you are just one of those rare conscience-free people that don't care about the feelings of others as long as you get what you want? BUT Maybe, if you really search yourself, you will find that you can't feel much of ANYTHING absent of intense feelings for him because the A is slowly turning you into someone you will NOT recognize in a few more months all to keep the good feelings coming. I think that the image he paints of her has a lot to do with the guilt or non-guilt feelings that the OP has. He says things to cause you to feel sympathy and/or empathy. I agree with that one. I do know his W and I don't care much for her. She is one of those people that you know is completely fake.(Had this opinion before A). I agree with this one too. It isn't a revenge thing. Totally disagree, although I think some may have this as a reason for the A it doesn't apply to me. I do care about how others feel. I honestly don't think that she loves him or wants to be with him. Where he says he's staying for his son I think she's staying for security and lifestyle. In other words money. Maybe if I didn't get that impression from her when I talk to her I would care more about how she feels. Don't agree with this one. I think one of the reasons I don't feel guilty now(I did in the beginning) is because I can't believe she hasn't figured it out. When we are in the same place and she's there you can tell...the looks between the two of us, how we act around each other, the smiles on our faces, the blatantly obvious flirting, and if you watch carefully he touches me and one even kissed me on the back of the neck. In other words seriously, how many times can your H claim to pass out in the car along some side street and come strolling in at 6 am? How can you not hear him leave at 10pm and not come back in until 2? How could you not smell the sex on him???? These are things that I would notice. I don't know how she couldn't. Even if he was lying and they had a happy home life I would start to wonder why my H is now going out 4 or 5 times a week. He has every behavior of a man having an A.
Tomcat33 Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 Sounds like they are just literally sharing a house out of convenience and nothing more is going on between them. Before I got involved with my ex separted man I met a guy who was a great catch, brilliant, attractive, great profession (head of cancer research team) fun, all the great qualities you could ask for we'd go to the theatre, great dinners fun..... One small detail though, on the 4th date he dropped the bomb he was seperated from his ex girfriend but they still shared a house together because she was out of work or something. I bolted faster than I could say "nice carry-on, is that a Louis Voitton?" A little too much baggage to deal with, thank you very much. But as destiny would have it I would get involved with a seperated man anyway.
SoxPrincess Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 Maybe you don't feel any guilt based on the fact that he has painted a picture of her as unfeeling and uncaring? Although I was not completely guilt free in the beginning of the A, the above quote is the exact reason why I felt little guilt when I first began to see exMM. He painted such an unflattering picture of his W; how awful and unloving she was to him, how much money she spent, how "cruel" she was, how she never had sex with him and when she did it was "uninspired"..I could go on and on. Looking back, I guess this is every MM's sob story; they do the whole "woe is me" thing, get the OW to feed their ego and they get exactly what they want out of the A. I have never met the W, but after finding out all the lies exMM told me, I have a feeling he was lying about how mean W was and if he wasn't lying, probably completely exaggerating the facts. Once I put all the pieces together, the guilt was overwhelming and it still is now, after 8 months
Impudent Oyster Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 I was wondering if it's normal to not feel guilt at all about your A. In my case, I know the W (she's my co-worker) and I know the kids as well but I do not fell any kind of guilt when I talk to her or interact with their kids, I mean NOTHING! no guilt AT ALL... I even sometimes think there is nothing wrong with what I'm doing. Is this normal??quote] Only if you're a sociopath.
whichwayisup Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 Sounds like they are just literally sharing a house out of convenience and nothing more is going on between them. You, nor the mutual friend really knows what goes on behind closed doors. Only ones who know is the MM and his wife.
puddleofmud Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 Sweetie! Should this be so blantant then why doesn't he just leave? I think that the image he paints of her has a lot to do with the guilt or non-guilt feelings that the OP has. He says things to cause you to feel sympathy and/or empathy. I agree with that one. I do know his W and I don't care much for her. She is one of those people that you know is completely fake.(Had this opinion before A). I agree with this one too. It isn't a revenge thing. Totally disagree, although I think some may have this as a reason for the A it doesn't apply to me. I do care about how others feel. I honestly don't think that she loves him or wants to be with him. Where he says he's staying for his son I think she's staying for security and lifestyle. In other words money. Maybe if I didn't get that impression from her when I talk to her I would care more about how she feels. Don't agree with this one. I think one of the reasons I don't feel guilty now(I did in the beginning) is because I can't believe she hasn't figured it out. When we are in the same place and she's there you can tell...the looks between the two of us, how we act around each other, the smiles on our faces, the blatantly obvious flirting, and if you watch carefully he touches me and one even kissed me on the back of the neck. In other words seriously, how many times can your H claim to pass out in the car along some side street and come strolling in at 6 am? How can you not hear him leave at 10pm and not come back in until 2? How could you not smell the sex on him???? These are things that I would notice. I don't know how she couldn't. Even if he was lying and they had a happy home life I would start to wonder why my H is now going out 4 or 5 times a week. He has every behavior of a man having an A.
puddleofmud Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 I don't feel guilty AT ALL because he lied to every one! BUT, I don't feel at all great about ME because I denied the "signs". If all you are needing is a liasion with a certain someone and have nary a worry about it, then who cares? Why post for other's opinions? If you wish an honest long-term relationship and are fooling yourself that you will "win" in the end" than you SHOULD care....because in the end you may not feel the same as you do now. You may not feel "guilty" but you may will feel differently in other ways.
GreenEyedLady Posted April 14, 2007 Posted April 14, 2007 OP: I do not now, nor did I, feel guilt either...that doesn't mean I'm a sociopath...I feel sorry that I was in an A and wish I had been aware of the true nature of the R when it started... And I would feel bad and remorseful should his W be hurt with the revelation...I have never meant to hurt anyone and that was not an intention during the course of the R...perhaps I would feel differently if I had known right up front and decided to pursue the R...things being as they were, I don't feel guilt... It's just the truth...I'm not going to come on here and post how guilty I feel when it's not true...I felt many things, but guilt was not one of them... And my apologies beforehand to anyone offended...
rdnkgrl31 Posted April 15, 2007 Posted April 15, 2007 I have never felt guilt about the A. When this whole thing first started, I didn't think it was going to go anywhere, I merely thought we were just friends who talked to each other. Next thing I knew we were in a full fledged A, and now totally in love, so what's next? Will I get hurt? Probably. In my situation, I feel that the reason the W stays is for security also. He does the same things yours does, and she bitches, but that's it. I don't know why she stays, or he. I will never know.I never cared to know honestly. It wasn't supposed to come to this, but it has. And yet I feel no guilt at all. I am not a bad person, and I have been on the other side. I have been cheated on, and no it didn't feel good. At the same time, I realized the reason he cheated was b/c we were not happy and really didn't want to be together anymore, yet no one knew how to end it. I am not trying to offend anyone, just stating my own thoughts.
Ruby Tuesday Posted April 15, 2007 Posted April 15, 2007 If you truely cared about or respected the BW enough to care, then you would have never enter the affair with the MM. It goes against everything the two of you have to bother to care about her. To know so much about a persons intimate relationship to gain from it is pretty twisted. Of course your confused. It is called justification to demonize her, to put her down and pretend you are the better person, like you deserve what you have because she is a bad person. What does sleeping with a MM make you? A better person? To presume to think you know everything about her or her marriage is a fallicy because you are sleeping with someone you know is capable of being a liar and a cheater. If a BW is so bad the MM should just divorce her and put his money where his mouth is.
whichwayisup Posted April 15, 2007 Posted April 15, 2007 I feel that the reason the W stays is for security also. Maybe because she said vows infront of friends and family...Maybe because she loves her husband. I guess I just don't understand since you've been through the pain of someone cheating on you (even if you're happy that your marriage ended and you're better off without it) that you would go and help a MM cheat on his wife. You're not a bad person, you're just selfish and not thinking of anyone but yourself. Sorry I don't mean to offend you either.
smartgirl Posted April 15, 2007 Posted April 15, 2007 My Hs OW didn't feel any guilt either. Even after I found out and was crushed. Even though she knew I loved him deeply and that he loved me and told her he was never leaving me. She was married too and felt no guilt about her BS either. Sorry, all that says is cold, selfish B**** to me. I hope this is just the way you are protecting yourself. Denial. Empathy and sympathy are important emotions. You can't go buy them at the store, but maybe you try a little bit to put yourself in the Ws place. How would you feel if you were her?
rdnkgrl31 Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 No offense taken, you are absolutely right in the fact that I am being selfish. For so long I have put everyone first, now I am content in making myself happy, might be wrong, but it is what it is.
whichwayisup Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 It's fine to put yourself first, but not when it comes to having an affair and helping yourself to another woman's husband. You're putting yourself first on the expense of an innocent woman, your MM's wife. Just for sake of it, why not take a read of these two threads. Maybe, just maybe, you'll change your mind about what you're doing... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t48656/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t40398/
Can'tGiveUp Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 No offense taken, you are absolutely right in the fact that I am being selfish. For so long I have put everyone first, now I am content in making myself happy, might be wrong, but it is what it is. This was one area where I too was extremely selfish. I entered into it well aware of what I was doing. I knew that eventually I would be hurt by him again. It ended almost 4 months ago with no anger, no hate and no D day. He will always hold a part of my heart. I have no regrets. I had a few more months with a man I loved. Would I do it again for a few more months with him? I doubt it. It wasn't nearly as good as when he was separated. But I did it for me, for what made me happy at the time. Perhaps that sounds cold and callous but that is the reality. If she did find out, she is not the one that would have my empathy or sympathy, he would.
PoshPrincess Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 Maybe you don't feel any guilt based on the fact that he has painted a picture of her as unfeeling and uncaring? You could be right here. My exMM didn't really slag his W off in a big way but he did tell me WHY he was unhappy. His M was very much like that of my mother and father so I could see it from his point of view in some ways, although he is a much better father to his kids than my Dad was to us, in as he spent a lot more quality time with them. Maybe you don't feel any guilt because you DO know her and you DON'T like her much? I never knew exMMs W so can't comment on this, although once I had spoken to her it made her seem slightly more real I guess. Even though I didn't feel guilty, as hypocritical as this probably sounds, I COULD empathise with her in some way. I WAS aware that he might have stretched the truth re their M. Maybe you don't feel any guilt because you feel entitled to what is going down behind her back, like having revenge on her for some perceived wrong to you or benefit that you feel she gets that you don't? Not in the slightest. I know what I did was totally wrong. I cannot justify it in anyway and if something similar happens to may I will probably tell myself that it's karma! Maybe you are just one of those rare conscience-free people that don't care about the feelings of others as long as you get what you want? Just based on this A, then I would say yes, maybe. But I was brought up a catholic and have suffered that 'Catholic Guilt' thing all my life. My non-catholic friends have always laughed about how bad I make myself feel about everything so I suprised myself with this one. I would confess (and I don't mean to a priest) absolutely everything. I would always tell my parents if I had done something wrong at school, confessed to boyfriends if I had so much as a phone call from another boy (and later, man). I cheated on my ex-partner and when I texted my best friend to tell her I had 'done something terrible' she told her husband that I had probably just emailed an ex-boyfriend or something! The one thing I did feel guilty about with this A was NOT feeling guilty! BUT Maybe, if you really search yourself, you will find that you can't feel much of ANYTHING absent of intense feelings for him because the A is slowly turning you into someone you will NOT recognize in a few more months all to keep the good feelings coming. My A did turn me into someone I didn't recognise, and didn't like. I had always wanted to have that special R with someone but when it happened I didn't expect it to be with someone's H. I just hope I find it again with someone more suitable. I hope and pray every day that I can move on.
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