manders0724 Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 i am a very insecure person. i over analyze things. i get pictures or thoughts in my mind and i cant help but think maybe they have happened. this usually revloves around my bf and cheating. as far as i know, he has never cheated on me. any time i have had a problem with a girl he has stopped talking to her, but let it be known i had good reasons for all 3 he has stopped talking to, and also everytime a major fight had to occur before he stopped. i fear we arent going to work, and i think the reason we have so many conflicts is because of my own personal issues with relationships. i love him more than anything, and i wil do whatever it takes to make us happy again. any ideas on how to handle my own insecurities or to cope with them? also, we live together with his parents ( it is harder cuz his parents dont like me at all )
the_pope Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 Hello Manders. Firstly, let me tell you that the way you feel is extremely common and I think everybody goes through it at some tme in life. I have with three of my five girlfriends throughout my life. (Why I didn't with the other two I don't know). It stems from a fundamental insecurity within yourself. I suspect you are relying on this man for happiness and security. However, security and happiness have to come from within first. If you are not secure within yourself how can you be secure within a relationship? Unfortunately, with these issues, it usually turns out to become a self fulfilling prophecy and you lose the very person you desire the most because you start to act on your fears with a certain behaviour that drives people away. This is how we learn, as painful as that sounds. All is not lost though as I am a believer in working on personal issues while still in a relationship. Although you have to do it entirely on your own and your boyfriend cannot do it for you simply by stopping talkng to women. I'm sure you talk to men. You do not trust your boyfriend. That is clear to see by your post. Trust is the key issue and the foundation of any relationship. So, a good way to build trust is to start small. For example, does he reply to every text you send him? Does he pick up the phone the majority of the time? Or are you normally left in the cold? If he does always answer your calls and texts then put trust in that. Trust that you will get a reply. Then, go bigger. Start to trust him if he talks to another woman. Remember, love is like sand in the hand. If you try to squeeze it and grasp it, it will slip through your fingers. If you leave your hand open and give it freedom, it will stay where it is. There is nothing more unattractive than a needy person making demands on us and analyzing us and not believing what we tell them. Imagine if he asked you to stop talking to men. You know full well that it is innocent. Imagine if he told you he didn't believe you. You would feel hurt that he didn't believe you or trust you because deep down you trust yourself, and know you would always stay true. There is a strong possibiity he is exactly the same. If he is a cheat, and you find out, sure you will hurt for a while, but you seriously will get through it. Thinking back over my life and some of the hurts I've had (one or two extreme too), I always pulled through. As insane as this sounds, I would not go back and change it because I am very strong now and generally more accepting of the fact that my girlfriend can cheat if she wants to and there is nothing I can do about it. You cannot control what another person wants to do. That is lesson number one. But you can try to trust and if it all goes wrong, well, there is an extreme positive to come out from it once you are over it. The positive is, is that you will be stronger and less insecure and less analytical in future relationships. Without sounding patronising, are you quite young?
Author manders0724 Posted April 12, 2007 Author Posted April 12, 2007 thanks for the reply, it was very good advice. we live together so i know he cannot cheat. I do trust him, its just hard because every single girlfriend he has had before me he has cheated on. And you are right, you cant control someone. they will do what they want regaurdless of what you think. and yes, i am young, too young (in my opinion) to be living wihth him and his parents. im almost 19. we have been together for about a year, however had one breakup that lasted a couple months. but during this time we still lived together and were pretty much unofficially together. I just dont know how to get rid of my insecurities, i try to believe him and trust him and i must say that i do, but there are always little reminders in the back of my mind that wont let me trust al of what he says. I just need to figure out how to go about not letting my insecurites show and also be able to be secure in our relationship.
the_pope Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 To not let your insecurities show takes one of two things. Either you possess the acting abilities of an extremely talented actress, or you will actually not have to be insecure. They're all but impossible to hide unless they are mild. The way to be secure is as follows... Thoughts trigger feelings which trigger actions which trigger thoughts which trigger feelings which trigger actions which trigger thoughts........ you see where this is going. It is a viscious circle which needs to be broken. It needs to be broken at the 'thoughts' part. Whatever you think feeds the feelings which provoke the action and so on and so on until it builds and builds and before you know where you are, you're a mess. Trust me, I've been there. Until recently too. So, when you think "He is cheating on me" which is negative, try subtituting it with "He is not cheating on me". It takes practice and strength to do it, but eventually you will start to feel secure and actually believe in it. It will trigger feelings of security and this will provoke actions of a strong and confident person. Also, try to get into the train of thought that if it did all go wrong, there are many many years ahead of you and you will simply NOT be stuck on this man. I'm onto my fifth girlfriend and I seriously thought I would be stuck on each and every one of them. Now, I couldn't care less about either of my exes. There will, I guarantee, be a man that will come along and blow your ex away with better qualities. I do not like the sound of him having cheated on every girlfriend he has ever had. This is bound to provoke insecurity and I would NEVER entertain the idea of being with somebody who has cheated on anybody, yet alone everybody. Remember, the power of positive thinking, and the power of being able to control your own thoughts and mind is extremely under estimated. It is strong stuff and I am sure you can do it. Good luck.
Author manders0724 Posted April 13, 2007 Author Posted April 13, 2007 i have a new problem and i would like specifically your opinion on it. ive always had a problem with my bfs ex, and it has been the main reason we fight recently. he would try to hide from me that they were talkin and i would find out etc, cause big drama just cuz he was tryin to hide it from me. let it be known that she lives two hours away from us tho. recently he promised me he would no longer talk to her, and as a fool i believed him. i really thought he meant it. and he knows i can check who he calls on our cel phone bill. however jsut recently i realized i could see who he texts too. so anyways, tonight i get home and of course i had to check...insecure me...and turns out he has been texting her instead of calling her cuz he knows i can find out if he calls. he doesnt know i can check texts. i dont know how to bring it up, im so pissed, because i told him either me or her, that he had to choose and he told me he chose me and he wouldnt talk to her at all anymore. i have a feeling it will cause a big problem and i dont want that, i want to be mature about it and how i bring it up and also with my reaction. i also dont want to sound insecure cuz he hates that. ugh someone help!!
Guest Posted April 14, 2007 Posted April 14, 2007 I would suggest rather than bringing further complications/details of your specific relationship into the picture at this point, that you really strive to internalize the pope's excellent insights and advice, as he has given you some powerful tools to deal with not only this situation but future relationships as well. Read his posts again and again until you "get it." Read it until you actually get it. His advice is useful for keeping yourself together in any relationship, not for controlling or changing another person. I don't think you will change your boyfriend. But you can change yourself and by doing THAT make the necessary difference in your life that will make you a stronger, confident and mature person you deserve to be.
the_pope Posted April 15, 2007 Posted April 15, 2007 I can see why you are insecure. Perhaps you are a more intuitive person than you realise. After all, if he was not lying to you, you would pick up that he wasn't. Trust me, you know when you meet a genuine person. You just know, you can see it in their eyes and they NEVER give you any reason to be concerned. As for these texts, do you know how many there are? If it was just one, perhaps it was a very urgent thing he needed to ask her. For example, he may have been having a clearout and found a few bits of hers that he has decided to post back. Therefore it would make sense if there was just one. He may have asked "Do you still live at the same address because I need to post you back your things?". She would reply "Yes" and then he would no longer need to text her. That is just one example of what a single text may have said. I know its specific but it came off the top of my head. I remember I had to text an ex once asking the same thing. It was entirely innocent. However, if there are way more than one, then I am sorry to say, I think there is something going on. Especially if he hasn't told you. Relationships should be based on honesty and trust first and foremost to work properly. He is not being honest, or trustworthy. It sounds to me like he is hiding something. He knows this girl causes you distress yet he continues to contact her. This shows how little he thinks of you. Reading this will hurt you I know, but if deep down you know it is the truth then that is why it hurts. However, armed with this very possible truth you now have to make a decision. Remember this too, he broke a promise. The only way you could bring it up is this. Say "I was looking through the phone bill earlier and I noticed you have text your ex. You promised me you would stop talking to her, so can you explain it please?" Then, knowing he is on the spot and trapped he will blow. Please, do not blow back. Assume the role of cool, calm and collected adult and REMAIN CALM. This is key to keep the power and control over the situation. Do not let him twist it and turn it onto you. This is something a lot of guilty people, especially cheaters, do. The reason they do it is to avoid the guilt. Watch for signs of lying too. Body language is everything, words are empty. Please read this BEFORE confronting him, just to arm yourself with a bit of powerful knowledge. Good luck.
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