I don't know anymore

[johnny236]

Ok I posted my story a little while ago on another part of the forum, but I think it was in the wrong place, and it needed updating... here goes:

 

- I was married for 5 years, wife had numerous affairs over the course of the 5 years and I eventually found out and we wound up separating in October of last year... altho the marriage for me ended long before that

- That being said, due to financial constraints, we lived in the same house up until April 1

- I joined a dating site just to make some friends and "test the waters" in December

- started chatting with this really interesting girl... we met on New Years Eve, and had a wonderful night... the connection we had was unbelievable... I was honest and up front about my marriage situation and the fact that we still lived together... she asked me if I was "emotionally available" and if the marriage was truly over, both of which I knew were a "yes" and she said she was patient and would happily wait until I moved so we could get more serious

- we started seeing each other as bf and gf pretty much right after that

- we talked all the time about how crazy we were about each other and talked about future plans... I realized during this period that this truly was the "girl of my dreams"... things were getting serious quickly, which was fine with me

- unfortunately, reality started setting in... because the house needed to be prepared for sale, I was constantly having to break dates with her, and we only really started seeing each other maybe once a week

- also, I told my wife about my new relationship, and that caused immense friction at home as well

- I got caught trying to please everyone, I was trying to start this new relationship with this incredible girl, but I was also trying to maintain a civil friendship/relationship with my soon-to-be-ex

- sometime in early March, the new girl told me that she wasn't handling the drama that she was being drawn into with my marriage problems... and that she thought we needed to stop seeing each other... but once I moved and started to get my own life back, we would re-visit the relationship, because we both knew we still had that amazing chemistry

- we still talked/IM'd throught that period, but her tone became very cold, and she no longer talked to me about how she felt, it just seemed like we were having idle chit-chat, not the kind of conversation that two people who were so crazy about each other would have

- before I moved, we had a conversation about our relationship, and she didn't know if it would be possible to pick up where we left off, because the connection we had and the good times we had were overshadowed by all the bad things that had happened

- the week before I moved, I wasn't carpooling so I offered her rides to work and home, we got coffee in the morning, and a couple of times that week, we hung out after work... got some dinner, had a couple of beers, it was great, we talked about our relationship, and decided that we would just hang out and see where things would go, "if it happens, it happens"... but the next week, she told me that I wasn't respecting her need for space and that I was always around... I apologized and said that we just had such a good time when we were hanging out, that I wanted to see her more... I suggested a form of NC where if she wanted to talk to me, she would have to initiate contact, because I just didn't know what the boundaries were in terms of respecting her space... she cried and said that she didn't want to not talk to me, and that obviously there are still feelings there, she's just trying to get past the hurt from my marriage fallout and still isn't sure if she can... but she still loves to hang out, because we get along so well

- since then we've hung out a couple of times, and we always have a great time when we're together... But, when we're not together, she's still very cold by email/IM

- I went profile-surfing for fun on the dating site we met on, and found what is obviously a profile of hers, there's no picture but it's clearly her who wrote it... not sure what to do with that

 

So, I'm a little messed up over this whole situation... I've not been able to sleep, my work has suffered... I go into work and stare at my monitor hoping she'll email or reply to an email I've sent. I'm so crazy about this girl, and what's killing me is the fact that we both recognize the connection and chemistry we had together, but she just can't get past the marriage drama. I've moved out now, and will be getting the divorce at the end of May, so she knows that I'll have myself on track within a couple of months. The problem is, she doesn't tell me how she feels... so I don't know if I'm wasting my time... and now that I've seen that she has a profile up again, I don't know if she's already moved on and is looking for someone else... while still telling me she may get back together with me, and that she's just really confused right now.

What hurts the most is, if I lose her, we'll never know how great a relationship we could have had... I'm still absolutely crazy about her, and I know we'd be an amazing couple... and a lot of the problems that happened between us were timing-related... she said to me once that if we met 6 months later, none of these issues would have even come up.

 

I don't know what to do anymore, I still love to hang out with her, but it kills me to think that one day she could just come to me and say that either she can't get past what happened, or that she's found someone new. It just eats at me every minute of every day. I know the easy solution is go NC and forget about her... but for me this is different, because instead of a total breakup, she left the door open... and she would have no reason to have done that unless she really did think that maybe it would work out. There's so many maybe's that its killing me.

 

Anyways, that was a lot longer than I expected, but it at least felt good to get it out "on paper" as it were. Sorry if I rambled... I was feeling sad tonite and just started typing furiously.

 

For those that actually took the time to read through my mindless rambling, I thank you.

[Sassy Gal]

it's ok it wasn't mindless rambling LOL.....but i think you should take some time to be on your own again....if you wish, still talk to her, but keep in mind this could seriously be a rebound and tho some workout, you nor she wants to be in that situation.

 

perhaps she has realized this and is afraid this is why you like her....also why she likes you---some women are drawn to drama even when they can't handle it

[johnny236]

Well... she finally ended it today. I asked if we'd ever speak again, and she said "We'll see, I make no promises".

 

So now I'm hurting pretty badly... twice in the last 12 months I've had my heart completely shattered. All I can think of is if I'm even meant to be happy anymore.

 

I know that time heals when it comes to this... I've been reading this forum a lot and it's been great... but man does it ever hurt when it finally hits you.

 

Thanks for the response Sassy... I guess I'm definitely taking time to be on my own, whether I wanted to or not.

[jaycie724]

I know from my current situation how hard it can be to be on your own when you're so used to being around someone. Its hard to go out alone. For me the nights are the worst. My ex-fiancee moved out a week ago today and the past week has been really rough.

 

However...I made it a whole week! I'm not sure that I can do or say anything to help. No one can really say anything to help me..but it's nice to hear kind words from people who understand what I'm going through. You know? That said, "Hang in there Johnny...and post on LS whenever you need us. We're here for you"

[johnny236]

Thanks for the support... and I'm really sorry to hear about your situation jaycie... Now I have to prepare myself for NC. As it stands right now... I'm not sure if I have the strength to get through it... but time will tell I suppose.

 

Thanks again

[justagirlforever]

johnny236, sorry to hear you're going through all of this. It seems a bit of a double whammy.

I'm sure (hope) though that you can see the new ex-girlfriend's point of view though. She's been caught up in the middle of this and it must be really tough. It seems she also likes you but feels you need some space & time to let the dust settle?

 

Don't however get caught up in the thought and fear that you can't be on your own for a while. That will only mean that you (even subconsciously) might be attracted to someone for the wrong reasons - even though they seem like all the very right reasons.

 

And even though in your mind your marriage has been over for a long long time, you are still dealing with the backlash of it all.

 

Take some time out. Be on your own and go out with friends. Take up hobbies you used to enjoy and may not have participated in or done for a long time. Learn something new. Learn to be yourself and with yourself.

I think sometimes when having been with someone for so long (even if the relationship was already going downhill) we often lose ourselves a bit. Or become a bit of the other.

 

Take stock and realign your life. Good luck

 

(Ps: After 4 years, I now find myself on my own too since January. It took a bit of time, but I can honestly say my life is better now that it was for the past 4 years. Despite thinking they were bliss during that time....)

[johnny236]

Hi folks, I thought I'd throw an update in...

 

First of all, thanks for the post justagirlforever... one of the things that really hurt for me was that I could easily see the now-ex's point of view. We had said a while back that a lot of the problem was a timing issue. If we had met 6 months later none of this would have happened. What gets to me still, is that I know we would have been such a great couple, and because of all that happened, I'll never really know. It's like there's no real closure. I know what you mean about the fear of being alone... it's just so hard getting my mind to accept it.

 

So now I'm on day 4 of full NC. We talked over MSN last Friday and Saturday, and the conversation basically deteriorated to a fight. So we said take care of yourself, and we'd talk (as friends) one day when we're ready. Since then I've been trying to keep myself busy... sadly, all my down time puts my mind back to thinking about her. Most nights, she comes on MSN, and I've managed to not break and talk to her. The sensible thing would be to block/delete her, but I do want to talk to her again one day.

 

It's tough, when my mind goes back to her I get the stomach pains all over again. I put a profile up on the dating site we met on (but only looking for friends), and even met someone for a first-meeting kinda date. It was great fun, but the whole time in my mind I was telling myself I can't possibly like this girl because she doesn't compare to the ex. This also goes back to what justagirlforever wrote about fearing being on my own. I'm starting to realize that maybe that's exactly what it is. I've never lived on my own, and it's gets bloody lonely... but it's something I need to come to terms with.

 

For lack of a better term, this sucks.

 

Anyways, thanks for everyone's replies.