goodmom Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 Is is normal for the first session to make you feel as though there is no hope? I feel worse now than before. The fact that WS has even agreed to go is a step in the right direction, and I know we have a long and painful road before us. The counselor did ask both of us if we were there to commit to our marriage, because if one or both of us was not, there was no point. We both said yes. The one mistake WS and I did make was to go for coffee afterwards. That turned into an "I said, I didn't say, you said, you didn't say, you did, I didn't" session. I won't do that again. I think we both need time to absorb what happened during the session before we discuss it. One thing that did come up was that WS has initiated NC with the OW for only three months (or longer if need be). That came out during coffee. The counselor is not aware that has "left the door open" for the OW. I am so very tired.
Guest Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 Don't you ever get the feeling that you're flogging a dead horse? I'd feel tired if i were you too.
Ladyjane14 Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 You've been through the wringer, hon. It's no wonder you're feeling tired. You don't have to do this if you don't want to, you know. He's put you through hell and if you were to decide you're better off without him... that's your call to make and no one else's. When you embrace your own power of CHOICE in this... it strengthens you. You're no longer being dragged along in someone else's process. You're where you CHOOSE to be. So, whether it's going to marriage counseling or going to divorce court... be in charge of your decision. In for a penny in for a pound, right? Don't forget to give yourself a little extra TLC while you're at it. Stress on the mind often results in stress on the body. Eat right, sleep right, get the appropriate excersize, and avoid alcohol. Be nice to YOU.
Author goodmom Posted April 12, 2007 Author Posted April 12, 2007 The counselor said the same thing--that I am the one who has the power to draw the line in the sand and say no more. I know that upset WS. I do know that I need to stop obsessing about the OW even if she is lurking in my husband's peripheral vision. There is no reason for me to make her more important than she has made herself.
Guest Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 The counselor said the same thing--that I am the one who has the power to draw the line in the sand and say no more. I know that upset WS. I do know that I need to stop obsessing about the OW even if she is lurking in my husband's peripheral vision. There is no reason for me to make her more important than she has made herself. so youre just going to turn a blind eye?
smartgirl Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 Don't feel discouraged so soon. First of all, your H is still going through withdrawal and missing the high he used to get from the A. He is likely afraid you are going to wind up kicking him out and may in fact be leaving the door open for the OW so he doesn't get left alone. At the next session, ask the therapist about an SSRI antidepressant for him. It will help reduce the obsessive feelings he my have for the other woman and help him to feel more optimistic about working out the marriage. But make it clear to him in the next session - this can't be halfway - he really tries or it won't work. Our first months of sessions seemed depressing as hell, but we were doing individual sessions. Mostly venting and reading of the crimes. You kind of have to go through that and get it out, like pus. Then you move on to rebuilding. I did a lot of research and reading and it has mostly all helped in some way. First in understanding the hows and whys of the affair and what my H was going through. It also helped with rebuilding ideas. Good luck and don't lose heart - it is too early for that.
Guest Posted April 14, 2007 Posted April 14, 2007 Smartgirl had some good advice. It's to early for you to throw in the towel if you are really committed to wanting it to work out. It will take time, and you will have ups and downs while your going to MC. I will tell you this having been there myself, it will take both of you to really want this to work out. I know your husband wronged you, all you can really do is forgive him. It may not seem fair to you at this point and it's not, but try to forgive him. Give him the benefit of the doubt, trust that he is going to MC with you because he knows he made a mistake and is owning up to it. You will go through sessions like the one you explained for a time, and then you will start working on ways to rebuild your marriage. There may even be relapses back to the where things started, but don't give up. Not to get religious on you, but prayer really works. God knows your heart, and if your the one who can truly get to the point of forgiveness you will be blessed. That's my opinion, some may not agree, I don't care. It helped me, that's all I know.
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