Sassy Gal Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 Hello. I joined here to seek help and perhaps some guidance for some thing happening to me over the past year. Its a long story for those who may not want to read it..... my husband and i have been married for 8 1/2 yrs, we are both turning 30 this year. we met in high school and dated for a time, then broke up and got back together about 3-4 yrs later. We had hard money times and moved in with my mom for 2 yrs, got out on our own again, etc just like many couples these days. we have 2 little girls, ages 6 and 3. we live in MD but for a time last year my husband worked in DE. it was an hour commute each way. I had also worked for the same company, so i knew how the hours were. one night, we had a friend over, and my hubby wasn't home yet. she suggested that perhaps he was cheating. i had noticed he was talking to one of his customers online, and even in text messages. we had never had any issues, sex, emotional etc. so i hadn't thought it. i intercepted a text not long after that was from the customer, who was female (he never hid this), and told him that it looked bad. i got very emotional as did he, and he assured me they had just become friends and that he would keep it professional. i told him i didnt want him to lose a friend, but he said i was more important. that was february last year. by march, i was finding text messages on his phone that were basically text sex. when i confronted him then, he said that he had to talk to her as she was his #1 customer (which i knew) but that he had missed her friendship and so texted her. it evolved into text sex and he didnt stop it because he liked the attention. again, he vowed to stop. i caught him again 2 wks before our 8th wedding anniversary. it hadn't stopped....maybe for a few weeks. that's all. it wasn't ever physical because he knew i was timing him coming home from work. i started checking the cell phone bill and found that she was calling him on his way to work, they were talking during the day, and on the way home from work. after this time, it seemed, we were ok.....all was well. then, on Dec 30th, i noticed somthing--he was showing me something on his laptop and i saw someone sign on his yahoo messenger.....we use trillian at home, not yahoo, so i thought it was odd. i said that i knew he had a secret acct and tho i didnt know his name, i knew it was for her. he denied it as i was in tears telling him that he'd better come clean, cuz he should know by now i'd find out. the next day, New Year's Eve, i found out the name. i added it to my buddy list and waited. he signed on the name on his phone when he went out for a cigarette. i messaged him. we talked a lot. even into the next day. then that evening, i did some stealth investigating and hacked his email. sex emails had been flying. i had had it. it became a physical fight as i smacked him across his face and said i was leaving. he cried and begged me not to go saying he hadn't screwed her, that it was all just text & email fun and that they'd agreed never to meet. i had also found out that he'd bought a silver necklace on Ebay for her as a xmas gift, but he had nothing for me to open xmas morning.....btw the necklace never made it to her.... more talking. more crap. i was so confused. i removed my rings and he asked if i would put them back on, i replied, not until you put them on my finger when you think you can be the man i married-- Jan 2nd, i returned to work, very bloodshot & upset. I had hacked his email again and emailed this woman saying he was done with her. then i had an idea. he really thought, because i know my husband and he's quite oblivious, that this was just fun. i emailed her again, this time as him. i told her i was sorry but i had to really stop it this time and asked if she had feelings for me.......immediately she replied that she was hurt he had to ask, but that tho she knew it was wrong, she was totally in love with him. i continued the conversation enuff to find out they had never met, and at the end had her begging to never email her again because she was too hurt. i printed them out for him to see. his jaw hit the floor. he brought me the necklace and we flushed it down the toilet....he said that he had bought it cuz he knew she had one once and had lost it....just wanted to get his friend something nice...after reading the emails, he said he was glad he hadnt sent it or it woulda hit the fan....he almost looked scared that she was in love with him.... since then, we've been closer than ever, he's kept everything out in the open, all his passwords, lets me look on his computer.....and no he doesn't work in DE anymore he actually left DE job in Oct, and the new company he worked for let him go in January, right after all the arguing we had, to add insult to injury. he spent 8 wks looking and got a job thru an agency, only to be laid off last thursday after only 4 wks of work. i still find myself looking at his email, his phone, his address book, his laptop..........we are members of several car clubs together and there was a female on one having marital issues who started to talk to him a lot.....i know the conversations, i get to see them, but it still bothers me......i actually cried & yelled a little the other nite saying even if i know its innocent and i see it, i'm not ready for him to talk to another female that much yet..... and i feel guilty for it.............is this all normal? would you all consider this cheating???? some people dont when its not physical....
Icantletgo Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 don't let him talk to this new woman. she has to have other friends she can confide in. He can not be trusted. He betrayed you by lying to you and making that other woman his priority for MONTHS. Even if he didn't have sex...he was betrayed you by LYING to you and doing things behind your back. Marriage isn't suppose to be having a second life and doing things that would make your partner cry. Even if he didn't meet the other lady or had sex with her, he dedicated alot of time and alot of "sex" talk to her. In my mind, that is cheating already. What if he envisioned HER while having sex with you. And now there is ANOTHER lady confiding in him? I don't think so. He is an idiot to think you would let another internet/nonsexual affair occur again. Stop him.
Author Sassy Gal Posted April 11, 2007 Author Posted April 11, 2007 now that i have told him that i am not ready to see him doing that, and warned him how she is rebounding on her current marriage the way the DE female was from her b/f, he isn't talking to her except on the forums -- he even let me read EVERYTHING....even phone stuff....but i reminded him i dont know if he's deleted things -- he says he doesn't want or expect me to believe him
Author Sassy Gal Posted April 11, 2007 Author Posted April 11, 2007 don't let him talk to this new woman. she has to have other friends she can confide in. she confides in me also He can not be trusted. He betrayed you by lying to you and making that other woman his priority for MONTHS. it was almost a year Even if he didn't have sex...he was betrayed you by LYING to you and doing things behind your back. Marriage isn't suppose to be having a second life and doing things that would make your partner cry. Even if he didn't meet the other lady or had sex with her, he dedicated alot of time and alot of "sex" talk to her. In my mind, that is cheating already. What if he envisioned HER while having sex with you. this is something we discussed after i had stopped packing my suitcase...he said she would rile him up and he would bring it home to me--he didnt know what she looked like cuz he never met her. but he did admit that he passed up sex with me a couple times to talk to her And now there is ANOTHER lady confiding in him? I don't think so. He is an idiot to think you would let another internet/nonsexual affair occur again. Stop him. agreed, this is why i brought it up to him before it got out of control. i think he's getting comfortable again and he even said, its about time for me to **** up.....he does seem to be making an effort, i think he thought it was ok cuz she was a board member that i talked to also---i let him know, it was WAY too soon for that kinda ****
Author Sassy Gal Posted April 11, 2007 Author Posted April 11, 2007 btw, thanks for replying, i'm glad to know that i'm not the only one who felt that was cheating
Icantletgo Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 i've had 2 exes who were cheaters in the past. ( you can read about my latest one on these forums) i don't take cheating lightly. I also to tend to trust people too easily...so once that trust is lost, I'm angry and confused and severely hurt. I think as a WOMAN, we want to satisfy our partner. And the thought that he was getting sexual urges or fantasies fullfilled by that other woman (even though it was in text form) can severely affect our self esteem...our self worth. Good that you let it stop. But you need to tell him to remember YOUR feelings. You can raise hell and question him and be a b*tch all you want because this is YOUR marriage..this is BOTH of yalls marriage. So good for you for speaking up!!! If she needs to talk then she can talk to you. She does NOT need to seek comfort in another married man. Even if it is just talking. She can get advice from another woman. Enough is enough. Your husband is seriously too nice to women and that could ultimately be the downfall of your marriage.
Author Sassy Gal Posted April 11, 2007 Author Posted April 11, 2007 he didnt even realize it was cheating until i said something, but then after he just kept doing it. he was pretty drunk the other nite when i brought up the married chic. he just put his hands over his face and said "omg im finally realizing how much i really f'd up"....then he went to get up and hug me and i backed up....i think he's realized that there's still a LOT of hurt there.... he's said b4 how he just wants things to go back to normal and i have said that it isn't gonna be that easy or quick as he'd like. he got into the normal, let's not think about it mode while i was starting to go nuts about him talking to our car club chic. i made sure to tell him that it will take me a long time, and i can't give him a time frame, but that it's only been 4 mos since this all came out in the open fully and not to expect that from me. i said that he has the easier part because he doesnt have to relearn to trust me. i have no doubt he loves me. if he didnt he could've easily gone off with that DE woman whenever he wanted.
Author Sassy Gal Posted April 11, 2007 Author Posted April 11, 2007 yes you're right we do want our partners to be satisfied.....and i know from talking to him that he felt he wasn't. you see, i have no hood on my C.....was born that way, and because it is constantly exposed, it pretty much is desensitized. because of that i have a hard time with our sex life getting off. instead of helping me by going down or whatever, he would just do his thing and i'd roll over and use a vibrator. not very satisfying. we tried spicing it up a bit by going to a Swingers M&G, and that didnt work out because he got jealous of me kissing another guy---even tho we were both getting hit on and "played" with at the bar....for the record, we never went home with anyone..... he mentioned that he originally thought this DE chic would be a g/f for US because of the M&G we had gone to, but instead, she was more interested in him and he didnt seem to mind or sway her
Icantletgo Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 The sad thing is...even though it's been 4 months...Him not realizing how big of a deal to YOU this was or how big of a deal SEX emails were at the time..shows you that he is not considerate of YOUR feelings.... although it's okay to not trust him and be completely hurt after 4 months...i hate to say it...but for the rest of your life...even if he is faithful and doesnt' do this ever again...there will be a part of you that will doubt his sincerity, a part of you that will question his motives.
Author Sassy Gal Posted April 12, 2007 Author Posted April 12, 2007 yeah i figure it will take a while.....before i would just start to trust him again and i'd find out it hadn't stopped. i told him yesterday that i joined this place (without the name) for some support. he said that's fine but people will no doubt think him a bastard. i said, well, yeah, look what you did? he said he understood i also suggested maybe he should join, without me knowing his name, and ask around on how to win my trust----little things he could do, and perhaps get out his feelings on his betrayal....he said he'd think about it
Icantletgo Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 i'm sorry if i sound so jaded. It's just hard for me to trust people after 2 cheating exes. The thing is....at least he didn't have physical contact w/ her. And at least he chose you....maybe he'll change. and I hope he does. Good luck.
Author Sassy Gal Posted April 12, 2007 Author Posted April 12, 2007 thanks and thanks for your words.....sometimes people dont see what they have....
Author Sassy Gal Posted July 30, 2007 Author Posted July 30, 2007 well, things have been going very well, we're doing quite good.... he went on a job interview in DE, which is an hour drive from us and on his drive he had time to think. when he picked me up from work that day he said he was ready to tell me something. he said that he had thought about us all day and that he couldn't ever express how sorry he was. he said that he loves me and our girls and that he wouldn't know what he'd do if he lost us. that's typical stuff---he also said that working so far away from me made him weak, and that he will not take a job far from home again. he also said he hated & was ashamed of himself for allowing the charade to continue, and even more so for us getting into 2 fist fights. he said he never wants us to fight like that again. all the while, he was practically choking, and then he just started balling. he said that i am his wife and his best friend and he was sorry he forgot that for a while. it was weird like he finally had an epiphany. that was april not long after i posted here....since then we've been very close. yes, i have been keeping up occasionally with his email, our cell bill, everything---and he barely talks to anyone but me & a small circle of our friends. he's even started making friends at work & we've gone out with them on group couples dates. i think things are going up.
UsernameRemoved Posted August 2, 2007 Posted August 2, 2007 yeah i figure it will take a while.....before i would just start to trust him again and i'd find out it hadn't stopped. i told him yesterday that i joined this place (without the name) for some support. he said that's fine but people will no doubt think him a bastard. i said, well, yeah, look what you did? he said he understood i also suggested maybe he should join, without me knowing his name, and ask around on how to win my trust----little things he could do, and perhaps get out his feelings on his betrayal....he said he'd think about it If he joins the same site then wont he know you by your pic?
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