For those who had an E/A.

[Tomcat33]

I disagree. The first step is acceptance without that you WILL NEVER MOVE ON. She is saying accept your situation and work toward getting over it.

 

IfWishes That has whole different tone to it, I also agree. It's far more helpful than "find a new obssesion" Put downs are never heard past the insult.

[Meaplus3]

IfWishes That has whole different tone to it, I also agree. It's far more helpful than "find a new obssesion" Put downs are never heard past the insult.

 

Thank's tomcat33 I agree. Why would she tell me to find a new obssesion? First of all any thing that you would call and "Obssesion", IMO does not sound healthy. I do agree with Acceptance. Mabey it's just the simple fact that their are to many reminders of the hurt, embarrassment and shame to close in my view. One thing I know for sure is that if I had gotten myself in this mess while in a workplace scenerio I would have to leave my job. Perhap's a move would be the best, however that is a big life changing deceison not just for me by my children and H.

[Ruby Tuesday]

Please stop trying to second guess me. I was just trying to help AP and maybe people here are just happy being unhappy, and do not want to change?

 

When I say new obsession, I mean find a new passion, a new thing that you can focus your energies on in a positive, HEALTHY way, something that rewards you for your efforts.

 

You need a new direction a new thing to focus your strong energy on.

 

Choose something that you do for yourself. If you try it, it will give you back the control of your life and get the xMM out of your head.

 

Example, if you found a new job, you would be focused on your work projects and not the xMM. The finished projects would give you satisfaction and a sense of control of your life because you're accomplishing things and they're giving you back healthy self esteem. In the process, you may meet people who have good energy and you can focus on them.

 

Try making a list of things (within your reach) that would re-direct your negative energy into something positive.

 

1. Get a new hairstyle, do a spring make-over (looking better leads to feeling better)

2. Start working out, join a aerobics class (very good for reducing stress)

3. Study art (express yourself thru floral arrangement, painting, photography)

4. Make some new friends on myspace, network, get to know new people

5. Plant a garden in the backyard

[Tomcat33]

Please stop trying to second guess me. I was just trying to help AP and maybe people here are just happy being unhappy, and do not want to change?

 

When I say new obsession, I mean find a new passion, a new thing that you can focus your energies on in a positive, HEALTHY way, something that rewards you for your efforts.

 

You need a new direction a new thing to focus your strong energy on.

 

Choose something that you do for yourself. If you try it, it will give you back the control of your life and get the xMM out of your head.

 

 

 

Second guessing you!?!? It was quite clear what you said a page back, there was no reading between the lines.

 

I see you've softened your approach and are now saying something that could actually help another human being. good for you for coming around.

 

Answerplease

 

Yes of course there are always reminders there are hours and hours of great things you can focus on, but you need to redirect that focus to the bad things. You need to stop romanticising this ideal of a man you have created in your head and you need to focus on the reality. It's not simple TRUST ME it's not. I for example allow myself a period of grief during the day where if I feel like feeling sorry for myself and crying and reminiscing, I do. but then I snap myself out of it because if I allow it it can go on all day. YOU need to redirect your thoughts, you HAVE to redirect your thoughts if you want to get better.

[Meaplus3]

Second guessing you!?!? It was quite clear what you said a page back, there was no reading between the lines.

 

I see you've softened your approach and are now saying something that could actually help another human being. good for you for coming around.

 

Answerplease

 

Yes of course there are always reminders there are hours and hours of great things you can focus on, but you need to redirect that focus to the bad things. You need to stop romanticising this ideal of a man you have created in your head and you need to focus on the reality. It's not simple TRUST ME it's not. I for example allow myself a period of grief during the day where if I feel like feeling sorry for myself and crying and reminiscing, I do. but then I snap myself out of it because if I allow it it can go on all day. YOU need to redirect your thoughts, you HAVE to redirect your thoughts if you want to get better.

 

Tomcat33, Thank's for your thoughts! I agree with you about a focus on the "Bad Thing's" this tend's to work well for me. If I could just keep that focus in mind 24 hours' a day that would be great! I do have my share of weepy moment's and that help's too! I never really considered all the pain that I could occur from an "A", but I guess who does think straight while in the throws of some "Fantasy".

 

AP:)

[puddleofmud]

I do believe that AP has already stated within THIS thread that she IS over ex-MM! Doubtful some commenting have read well...

And, from what I gather as well as implicitly understand is that she is now dealing with her feelings about herself, ONLY, and not her feelings about the "other guy" as that has passed.

The so called "obsession" if there was such has nothing to do with how a person feels about themselves at said juncture.

She is beating herself--not HIM, and trying to get some help about dealing with her feelings of personal ineptitude and applying what has happened to healing her feelings about herself, only.

<Sorry, AP for speaking about you as if you "aren't in the room">

Speaking to AP--let me tell ya, girl--I get it!

The so called "ex" is now a moot point-forgotten--over--and who cares about them in the least!?

After the supposed loss resulting in mourning and grief and once that is tended; one tends to try to figure out HOW one became such a fool to begin with?

Certainly as a perfectionist, myself, I can't stop whipping my own ass for being so gullible, dumb, ignorant, silly, vapid, insane, sick, etc. Whatever adjective needed within that realm; I've applied to myself.

My self hatred is far beyond any hatred I have for any one else.

My self image has downed me to pure ugliness and barely able to seek intimacy from anyone, physical or otherwise.

At first I thought this was because I had been so betrayed and where I had complete justification for feeling this way (I did and we do!).

Lately I've come to another realisation: that I am now using this as an "excuse" as it is no longer AT ALL about him (I am sooo over that) but about how I feel about myself.

I am so busy beating myself up that I won't ALLOW myself to open my heart. It's my newest excuse! I am so busy embracing my own self-pity, my own feelings of inadequatecy, that I can't (or WON"T) see beyond my own silly nose.

It's certaintly not at ALL about HIM--it's all about ME. Which is good thing in general, but a bad thing for practicle puposes as I've not forgiven "ME".

I over looked every single sign that he was married for THREE years? How could someone like me not figure it out? And even when I did; I did not have the ability to just cut off my feelings like a faucet.

So many women here on this forum are far more courageous than I! And so many are so self assured that just by it being "over" one just walks into the proverbial sunset. And some would gleefully point out that this pain and self-loathing is deserved.

I tend to regard this as my own precious process which I may share; but fact is, I OWN it. Even when I loathe myself and feel really stupid, I am the one who owns that and I am the only one who can fix it.

You've come an amazing long way in your process and perhaps you need to give yourself permission to forgive YOU.

Try re-focusing: that which you've done thus far is amazing.

You're almost "there" and NO you will never forget but you can love yourself according to what you've CHOSEN to learn and apply.

I feel I've a great deal of a good life left to live and being stuck on me and my boo-boo is counterproductive. There was a time where thoughts of "him" fed my doubts about myself, but I'll be damned if I am willing to inherit those deeds and let them feed me, further.

I will not let anyone of such nature put me in a prison where I won't care for myself--where I allow what is most authentic and loving about me to be robbed!

I think that it is so great that you've continued therapy and I hope everything wonderful happens for you because YOU deserve that and YOU have the right to make that happen for YOU!

Warm Hugs to you!

[Meaplus3]

I do believe that AP has already stated within THIS thread that she IS over ex-MM! Doubtful some commenting have read well...

And, from what I gather as well as implicitly understand is that she is now dealing with her feelings about herself, ONLY, and not her feelings about the "other guy" as that has passed.

The so called "obsession" if there was such has nothing to do with how a person feels about themselves at said juncture.

She is beating herself--not HIM, and trying to get some help about dealing with her feelings of personal ineptitude and applying what has happened to healing her feelings about herself, only.

<Sorry, AP for speaking about you as if you "aren't in the room">

Speaking to AP--let me tell ya, girl--I get it!

The so called "ex" is now a moot point-forgotten--over--and who cares about them in the least!?

After the supposed loss resulting in mourning and grief and once that is tended; one tends to try to figure out HOW one became such a fool to begin with?

Certainly as a perfectionist, myself, I can't stop whipping my own ass for being so gullible, dumb, ignorant, silly, vapid, insane, sick, etc. Whatever adjective needed within that realm; I've applied to myself.

My self hatred is far beyond any hatred I have for any one else.

My self image has downed me to pure ugliness and barely able to seek intimacy from anyone, physical or otherwise.

At first I thought this was because I had been so betrayed and where I had complete justification for feeling this way (I did and we do!).

Lately I've come to another realisation: that I am now using this as an "excuse" as it is no longer AT ALL about him (I am sooo over that) but about how I feel about myself.

I am so busy beating myself up that I won't ALLOW myself to open my heart. It's my newest excuse! I am so busy embracing my own self-pity, my own feelings of inadequatecy, that I can't (or WON"T) see beyond my own silly nose.

It's certaintly not at ALL about HIM--it's all about ME. Which is good thing in general, but a bad thing for practicle puposes as I've not forgiven "ME".

I over looked every single sign that he was married for THREE years? How could someone like me not figure it out? And even when I did; I did not have the ability to just cut off my feelings like a faucet.

So many women here on this forum are far more courageous than I! And so many are so self assured that just by it being "over" one just walks into the proverbial sunset. And some would gleefully point out that this pain and self-loathing is deserved.

I tend to regard this as my own precious process which I may share; but fact is, I OWN it. Even when I loathe myself and feel really stupid, I am the one who owns that and I am the only one who can fix it.

You've come an amazing long way in your process and perhaps you need to give yourself permission to forgive YOU.

Try re-focusing: that which you've done thus far is amazing.

You're almost "there" and NO you will never forget but you can love yourself according to what you've CHOSEN to learn and apply.

I feel I've a great deal of a good life left to live and being stuck on me and my boo-boo is counterproductive. There was a time where thoughts of "him" fed my doubts about myself, but I'll be damned if I am willing to inherit those deeds and let them feed me, further.

I will not let anyone of such nature put me in a prison where I won't care for myself--where I allow what is most authentic and loving about me to be robbed!

I think that it is so great that you've continued therapy and I hope everything wonderful happens for you because YOU deserve that and YOU have the right to make that happen for YOU!

Warm Hugs to you!

 

Puddle, I so appreciate your post. It is about myself right now! I am a darn perfectionist and by golly alot of it is about beating the heck out of myself for allowing myself to be sucked in. I alway's thought I could get passed just about anything until this. There is so much guilt shame the whole nine yard's. I mean truely what in the heck was I thinking? The married guy nextdoor? How foolish. The fact that we were once all happy platonic neighbor's and now what a freakin' mess. God only know's what she could know? He might have told her I am a nut case for all I know. I am reminded each and every day by their house, car's, children and so forth, not exactly the best way to put everything behind you. I do need to forgive myself for this and that has to be my goal. If I can't do that then IMO I will not be able to move on with my life. Puddle, I just have to say you are a GREAT person! You have been such a good support for me. I think you are very strong and have come along way yourself. Hug's back at ya!

 

AP:)

[puddleofmud]

We're all just normal!

Crap happens and sometimes it's about love and sex.

But if we so blame ourselves than I would suppose we are no longer allowed love and sex?

Over my dead body!

I am going to love all I can and if I can get some sex from a good man than I am going to! If not then so what? I still ain't dead nor am I going to die from it.

I am not a disease; I think I just made a mistake about which I am dreadfully sorry.

A strange wierd chaotic mistake. That's ALL. It does have some merit but being that I've made about 550 thousand other mistakes in my life (and many repeated)--this is just ONE and fortunately never to be repeated.

True, I don't have to see his face or his house or family. But I do feel his heart and dream of him. Probably always will. That is normal when you loose someone you love. Even were they dead and we saw them lifeless in the coffin--it does not change how we feel.

Every one says "get over it". One does not. One just, eventually through mourning and good deal of hard work, "gets beyond".

Penance ENOUGH.

You've paid the piper, dearly...let go.

Give yourself ONE DAY to let go, 12 hours from the time you awaken to the time you sleep.

I'll do it with you as accountability, just 12 hours of peace.

Say what day and time and we'll try it?

As well as anyone else that's wants to join in.

[Meaplus3]

We're all just normal!

Crap happens and sometimes it's about love and sex.

But if we so blame ourselves than I would suppose we are no longer allowed love and sex?

Over my dead body!

I am going to love all I can and if I can get some sex from a good man than I am going to! If not then so what? I still ain't dead nor am I going to die from it.

I am not a disease; I think I just made a mistake about which I am dreadfully sorry.

A strange wierd chaotic mistake. That's ALL. It does have some merit but being that I've made about 550 thousand other mistakes in my life (and many repeated)--this is just ONE and fortunately never to be repeated.

True, I don't have to see his face or his house or family. But I do feel his heart and dream of him. Probably always will. That is normal when you loose someone you love. Even were they dead and we saw them lifeless in the coffin--it does not change how we feel.

Every one says "get over it". One does not. One just, eventually through mourning and good deal of hard work, "gets beyond".

Penance ENOUGH.

You've paid the piper, dearly...let go.

Give yourself ONE DAY to let go, 12 hours from the time you awaken to the time you sleep.

I'll do it with you as accountability, just 12 hours of peace.

Say what day and time and we'll try it?

As well as anyone else that's wants to join in.

 

Puddle, I will try it! Sunday let's say 9:00 am that's when I awake on Sunday's. Sound Good?

 

AP:)

[puddleofmud]

Sounds perfect, though I do sleep until about noonish CST. So, I am going to start the thread tonight.

Think about anything you wish until Sunday, wallow, eat brownies, write poetry.

But on Sunday we shall have a day of netherland, just one perfect day for US. Just some girly banter and about US and where WE want to be!

 

 

Puddle, I will try it! Sunday let's say 9:00 am that's when I awake on Sunday's. Sound Good?

 

AP:)

[Meaplus3]

Sounds perfect, though I do sleep until about noonish CST. So, I am going to start the thread tonight.

Think about anything you wish until Sunday, wallow, eat brownies, write poetry.

But on Sunday we shall have a day of netherland, just one perfect day for US. Just some girly banter and about US and where WE want to be!

 

Sounds good my friend! Girly Banter is alway's a good thing. I will eat lot's of chocolate! Not good for the figure, but good for the mind, LOL:lmao:

 

 

AP:)

[pureinheart]

Whichway, Thank's for your support and kind word's as alway's.When I say "Hurting" I mean that I feel embarassed and ashamed of myself for beign so vunerable. I am having a very difficult time forgiving myself. The only real thing I honestly miss about the mm was how it was before the "A". The relationship was platonic and peacful.

 

AP

 

 

Hey AP,

 

I can totally relate....I have paid a heavy price for this total attrocity of judgement.

 

It is my hope and prayer that these consequences will not follow us much longer....and that we will be free from all torment concerning this matter...all self hatred, guilt and all that concerned these individuals in the first place....

 

A complete and total healing WILL take place....