For those who had an E/A.

[Meaplus3]

I am wondering how long it took to fully recover from an E/A? If you were in therapy how long did you need to see a therapist? I am just wondering all this because I have been in Therapy since NOV and I am still hurting.

 

AP

[Ruby Tuesday]

There is something wrong with you. You are starting to proove what xMM said about you to be true, that you are obsessed with him. What you had was a friendhip with a next door neighbor that went to far and MM? shut it down. Doesnt exist anymore.

 

He doesn't even look your way anymore.

 

There is nothing to stay attached to, yet you still do.

 

I am telling you, you keep up with this fantasy AP, that bubble is going to burst and you just may find yourself divorcecd and out on your ass. It isn't worth it.

[whichwayisup]

Continue to see the therapist for as long as you need to. But, honestly AP, you have to want to get past it all and really want those feelings to go away.

 

He was never 'yours' to begin with, and as close as you two came to a PA, it didn't go that far. Neither of you are in any position to pursue it. The way he is with you, his actions show you this, so please, don't pine over him. He isn't worth it.

 

What is it that you actually "miss" about him? The actual friendship, or HOW he made you feel?

 

You gotta keep busier and sink those feelings into something else for distraction. The therapist should be helping you and giving you coping skills to work through the feelings, accept them and let go of them. It's alot of hard work, and what you put into therapy is what you get out of it. That is my train of thought when it comes to therapy. If I didn't work hard on myself, I'd still have a really awful anxiety disorder! Ya get to the point when you say to yourself "I am going to STOP saying I will do this and I will change," to "I AM changing and I WANT to get better..." Apply that logic into your situation and take charge of your life, your feelings and SHUT the door to the MM neighbour forever.

 

You will have good days and some bad days, so when the bad days come, don't over react! Keep it all in perspective. YOU WILL get past all this AP, you're alot stronger than you give yourself credit for!! Have faith in yourself!

[Meaplus3]

Continue to see the therapist for as long as you need to. But, honestly AP, you have to want to get past it all and really want those feelings to go away.

 

He was never 'yours' to begin with, and as close as you two came to a PA, it didn't go that far. Neither of you are in any position to pursue it. The way he is with you, his actions show you this, so please, don't pine over him. He isn't worth it.

 

What is it that you actually "miss" about him? The actual friendship, or HOW he made you feel?

 

You gotta keep busier and sink those feelings into something else for distraction. The therapist should be helping you and giving you coping skills to work through the feelings, accept them and let go of them. It's alot of hard work, and what you put into therapy is what you get out of it. That is my train of thought when it comes to therapy. If I didn't work hard on myself, I'd still have a really awful anxiety disorder! Ya get to the point when you say to yourself "I am going to STOP saying I will do this and I will change," to "I AM changing and I WANT to get better..." Apply that logic into your situation and take charge of your life, your feelings and SHUT the door to the MM neighbour forever.

 

You will have good days and some bad days, so when the bad days come, don't over react! Keep it all in perspective. YOU WILL get past all this AP, you're alot stronger than you give yourself credit for!! Have faith in yourself!

 

 

Whichway, Thank's for your support and kind word's as alway's.When I say "Hurting" I mean that I feel embarassed and ashamed of myself for beign so vunerable. I am having a very difficult time forgiving myself. The only real thing I honestly miss about the mm was how it was before the "A". The relationship was platonic and peacful.

 

AP

[whichwayisup]

When I say "Hurting" I mean that I feel embarassed and ashamed of myself for beign so vunerable

 

Then, forgive yourself. Until you do that, you won't get past all this stuff. Accept your place in the EA, and try to make peace with it.

 

And, unfortunately, when lines get crossed, things cannot go back to how things were before the EA. It's just a fact of life. Also, even though you miss his friendship, allow yourself to see that he wasn't good for your marriage...You know this, you can't be 'friends' with someone that you 'want.' It just interfers and gets in the way of a healthy marriage.........

 

Hope this helps and don't be so hard on yourself. Start working on that forgiveness. The sooner you can DO that, the better you'll feel about everything.

[Meaplus3]

Then, forgive yourself. Until you do that, you won't get past all this stuff. Accept your place in the EA, and try to make peace with it.

 

And, unfortunately, when lines get crossed, things cannot go back to how things were before the EA. It's just a fact of life. Also, even though you miss his friendship, allow yourself to see that he wasn't good for your marriage...You know this, you can't be 'friends' with someone that you 'want.' It just interfers and gets in the way of a healthy marriage.........

 

Hope this helps and don't be so hard on yourself. Start working on that forgiveness. The sooner you can DO that, the better you'll feel about everything.

 

I have always been too hard on myself, a major defect in my character! I do need to forgive myself and stop looking back at what happend, it's so easy to get caught up in that way of thinking. I also know that I need to find more peace with myself inorder for me to be truely happy. I guess I did learn a few lesson's for this "A", However those lesson's came at high price of unbelieveable hurt to myself and family.

 

AP

[PoshPrincess]

AP, you WILL get there eventually. Just keep up with the therapy and in time you will learn to forgive yourself. You have to concentrate on your H and family now and learn to LOVE yourself again. Lots of luck

[lovernotafighter]

AP I know all the details of your relationship with the neighbour but know you said it was a E/A not a P/A.

 

people might make light of that but your feelings are very very real.

 

I work with my 'whatever' he is ex or current MM (can pick which) and sometimes I have to work FOR him. seeing him every day enough to drive one insane but he tries to keep those emotional ties strong and at times succeeds and I to feel ashamed and foolish.

 

however in the same token I have a wonderful ability to look at the events with a outside perspective and see things as much smaller and a less weighty thing.

 

of coarse that isn't always the case and it wasn't till the last 6 months that really could do that, I get angry when he does cloud my judgement, which is his goal.

 

but here my advice to you.. own what you have done. forgive your self and learn from this experience and move on. never to do it again.

 

if you learn nothing this life lesson is lost and everything was a waste of time...that isn't what you want so now waste no more time except the lesson and let go..sure you may remember from time to time but to let it become obsessive isn't healthy and that's precisely why I would not go to therapy...why would any one want to rehash over something that hurt..why rip a band-aid off a cut over and over again? it will never heal.

 

good luck/ drop the therapy.

[Meaplus3]

AP I know all the details of your relationship with the neighbour but know you said it was a E/A not a P/A.

 

people might make light of that but your feelings are very very real.

 

I work with my 'whatever' he is ex or current MM (can pick which) and sometimes I have to work FOR him. seeing him every day enough to drive one insane but he tries to keep those emotional ties strong and at times succeeds and I to feel ashamed and foolish.

 

however in the same token I have a wonderful ability to look at the events with a outside perspective and see things as much smaller and a less weighty thing.

 

of coarse that isn't always the case and it wasn't till the last 6 months that really could do that, I get angry when he does cloud my judgement, which is his goal.

 

but here my advice to you.. own what you have done. forgive your self and learn from this experience and move on. never to do it again.

 

if you learn nothing this life lesson is lost and everything was a waste of time...that isn't what you want so now waste no more time except the lesson and let go..sure you may remember from time to time but to let it become obsessive isn't healthy and that's precisely why I would not go to therapy...why would any one want to rehash over something that hurt..why rip a band-aid off a cut over and over again? it will never heal.

 

good luck/ drop the therapy.

 

Thank's lovernotafighter for your input. I must say that I do tend to agree with you about therapy in a sense. To keep rehashing thing's about MM with my therapist really is not getting me where I need to be. I think what I need to work on with my therapist is what lies deep within me that has allowed me to be so unhappy as a person. While my marriage does need a good cleanup so to speak, I don't think I am going to be happy in my marriage if I can't seem to be happy with myself. I know one reason that I am not happy is I am bored! I have been a stay at home mom for the past 8 year's and I truely wish I was back out in the workforce. With the job my H has right now, it's next to impossible for me to go back to work. H travels every other week and is gone for 4 night's in a row. While he's away it's 24/7 with the kid's and it really get's me down. I think this whole thing with MM was a big escape for me from reality, it was just the wrong thing to do!

 

AP:)

[Ruby Tuesday]

I'm not trying to bash you, just bring you down to earth. You said it yourself that you have OCD. You do have problems dealing with that psychological issue and this isn't exactly your first post about this xMM. It fuels the OCD flames.

 

I'm not going to lie to you. Sometimes you need a friend to knock some sense into you to get you to realize you have a problem. He is a bad person, he isnt worth your time and your husband would be hurt and may want to divorce and I think you need to realize that quick, before it's too late. He will perceive this as you pining for this xMM and I can imagine that would effectively destroy his trust in you.

 

As a MW to another MW, I think you need to respect your marriage and stop giving this next door neighbor all your time and energy. It's obsessive and it's out of hand. It has been a long time now, and it wasn't much of a relationship to begin with and IMO it's not even worth hanging onto.

 

Theres nothing to figure out. It's over... at least, it should be. Another idea would be to involve yourself in activities outside the home, away from the reminders at least until you find a new obsession. Like music or art or a good job that replaces that need. Something you can be proud of in yourself.

[lovernotafighter]

Thank's lovernotafighter for your input. I must say that I do tend to agree with you about therapy in a sense. To keep rehashing thing's about MM with my therapist really is not getting me where I need to be. I think what I need to work on with my therapist is what lies deep within me that has allowed me to be so unhappy as a person. While my marriage does need a good cleanup so to speak, I don't think I am going to be happy in my marriage if I can't seem to be happy with myself. I know one reason that I am not happy is I am bored! I have been a stay at home mom for the past 8 year's and I truely wish I was back out in the workforce. With the job my H has right now, it's next to impossible for me to go back to work. H travels every other week and is gone for 4 night's in a row. While he's away it's 24/7 with the kid's and it really get's me down. I think this whole thing with MM was a big escape for me from reality, it was just the wrong thing to do!

 

AP:)

I meant to write 'I don't know all the details" my apologises AP.

 

sounds to me like you just hit the nail on the head AP your a stay at home mom for 8years! that kind of isolation would make many people vulnerable to the attentions of another person.

 

so you understand the whys, getting to bottom of it isn't the problem..you already know why. beating your self up continually also stems from isolation and therapy really imo is not the answer.

 

the thing is to find a way to keep your ideal mind and hands busy. you said you are stuck in a rut..you also don't see your husband either..seriously many people would have fell into this and the neighbor seems to have known your weakness but it could have been anyone really your tender under belly was exposed sort of speak.

 

but that is that and in your past..now move forward. you do have a great tool right your finger tips...the Internet..looks some stuff up to do with limited time, get ideas. pick up the Sunday paper for jobs that can be done in house..even if it seems silly to you think about what doing something new and keeping you occupied can achieve.

 

my friend was in the same boat..she was lost and was so sad she couldn't go back to school or work..she started to little things like make doll clothes for a business and scrap booking for her sanity.

 

she slowly started doing more things for her and finding ways out of her rut..it took time but before you knew it she found her own sitter with the little money she was earning got a better job which lead to her to go back to school and now she is a well paid engineer...and she did it herself..her husband made her feel like she couldn't, but she could and she did.

 

my point is no one else but you is gonna help you, no amount of therapy is going to help and I would take that money and pay child care with it and get out there and live and get away...no one can be with children 24hrs a day and not lose some of who they are in the process. at least not any one I know.

 

your in the box..you have to step out..

 

you have to believe in you and who you are, attitude is everything and when you think it you can be it.

 

I myself feel trapped in a situation but I am working to move on and reinvent my self and my life once more..it's the only life I got and why should I be controlled by negative thinking and related negative actions.

 

I believe in you AP, you should to.

[Meaplus3]

I'm not trying to bash you, just bring you down to earth. You said it yourself that you have OCD. You do have problems dealing with that psychological issue and this isn't exactly your first post about this xMM. It fuels the OCD flames.

 

I'm not going to lie to you. Sometimes you need a friend to knock some sense into you to get you to realize you have a problem. He is a bad person, he isnt worth your time and your husband would be hurt and may want to divorce and I think you need to realize that quick, before it's too late. He will perceive this as you pining for this xMM and I can imagine that would effectively destroy his trust in you.

 

As a MW to another MW, I think you need to respect your marriage and stop giving this next door neighbor all your time and energy. It's obsessive and it's out of hand. It has been a long time now, and it wasn't much of a relationship to begin with and IMO it's not even worth hanging onto.

 

Theres nothing to figure out. It's over... at least, it should be. Another idea would be to involve yourself in activities outside the home, away from the reminders at least until you find a new obsession. Like music or art or a good job that replaces that need. Something you can be proud of in yourself.

 

Ruby, I appreciate your advice, however what makes you think I am obsessing about xmm? I am not! It has been over for many month's now. I stated the reason's I am hurting and it has really nothing to do with pining after him that's for sure! BTW, I have plenty of hobbies however I need to be able to find the time to pursue them. Right now I am very tied up with my children. I love to be with the kid's, however it is very taxing 24 hours a day. I need to figure out a way to have some quality time to myself.

 

AP

[Meaplus3]

I meant to write 'I don't know all the details" my apologises AP.

 

sounds to me like you just hit the nail on the head AP your a stay at home mom for 8years! that kind of isolation would make many people vulnerable to the attentions of another person.

 

so you understand the whys, getting to bottom of it isn't the problem..you already know why. beating your self up continually also stems from isolation and therapy really imo is not the answer.

 

the thing is to find a way to keep your ideal mind and hands busy. you said you are stuck in a rut..you also don't see your husband either..seriously many people would have fell into this and the neighbor seems to have known your weakness but it could have been anyone really your tender under belly was exposed sort of speak.

 

but that is that and in your past..now move forward. you do have a great tool right your finger tips...the Internet..looks some stuff up to do with limited time, get ideas. pick up the Sunday paper for jobs that can be done in house..even if it seems silly to you think about what doing something new and keeping you occupied can achieve.

 

my friend was in the same boat..she was lost and was so sad she couldn't go back to school or work..she started to little things like make doll clothes for a business and scrap booking for her sanity.

 

she slowly started doing more things for her and finding ways out of her rut..it took time but before you knew it she found her own sitter with the little money she was earning got a better job which lead to her to go back to school and now she is a well paid engineer...and she did it herself..her husband made her feel like she couldn't, but she could and she did.

 

my point is no one else but you is gonna help you, no amount of therapy is going to help and I would take that money and pay child care with it and get out there and live and get away...no one can be with children 24hrs a day and not lose some of who they are in the process. at least not any one I know.

 

your in the box..you have to step out..

 

you have to believe in you and who you are, attitude is everything and when you think it you can be it.

 

I myself feel trapped in a situation but I am working to move on and reinvent my self and my life once more..it's the only life I got and why should I be controlled by negative thinking and related negative actions.

 

I believe in you AP, you should to.

 

Lovernotafighter, Thank you. I am glad you can understand the isolation and Yes, I agree it's up to me to fix it and NO one else. It's funny because when I first became a stay at home mom 8 year's ago I felt like I was in a rut back then. But, I got myslef busy, up out and around, By the time my second child came along I had a great support system of friend's. Once my first child graduated from pre-school 2 years ago, I had lost alot of friendship's that kept me going. Then we had a third child two year's ago and I have to be honest It's been very difficult for me ever since he was born.So, to the point here. I know I have to fix myself and that is my focus and truely has been for the few month's.

 

AP:)

[Tomcat33]

RT Exscuse me but why is pain equated to obsession??!?!? Answerplease is going though normal pain that comes from the loss of the emotional tie. who is to put a cap on pain? Who is to decide what process each human bieng must go through to suffer and feel grief? I find it really ignorant to call that an obsession.

 

Besides an EA is as intense if not more than a PA, I can imagine how hard this must be for you Answerplease. I am going through something similar and though I have always been strong in my life and have been good at dealing with loss of relationships, this time around it's proving to be extremely hard. I am looking to start therapy because I can't seem to do it alone. It's very up and down.

 

Anyway a few things I have read up on that are helping me tremendously are, to go with the pain, cry if you have to, lock yourself at home and veg if you have to and then you come out somewhat refreshed.

 

Another thing I learned recently is that you have to help yourself change the thought pattern, when you think of the good things, quickly use things that you did not like about your ex. Also a silly techinque that is proving to be quite effective for myself is to use negative imagery to associate with the ex. for example picture something that repulses you and when you think of him imagine him in that repulsive state. For me it's when some people talk and they get pasty white stuff in the corner of the mouth due to dry mouth, I picture him like that and it's an instant the turn off. Of course that never happened to him, but I try to picture him like that and it turns my stomach. It sound silly but it's a simple deprograming technique that really turns me off from him. LOL

 

Of course you have to be willing to forget him, some days I want to perpetuate his good memory and I do, but I don't allow that all the time otherwise I will never progress.

[Meaplus3]

RT Exscuse me but why is pain equated to obsession??!?!? Answerplease is going though normal pain that comes from the loss of the emotional tie. who is to put a cap on pain? Who is to decide what process each human bieng must go through to suffer and feel grief? I find it really ignorant to call that an obsession.

 

Besides an EA is as intense if not more than a PA, I can imagine how hard this must be for you Answerplease. I am going through something similar and though I have always been strong in my life and have been good at dealing with loss of relationships, this time around it's proving to be extremely hard. I am looking to start therapy because I can't seem to do it alone. It's very up and down.

 

Anyway a few things I have read up on that are helping me tremendously are, to go with the pain, cry if you have to, lock yourself at home and veg if you have to and then you come out somewhat refreshed.

 

Another thing I learned recently is that you have to help yourself change the thought pattern, when you think of the good things, quickly use things that you did not like about your ex. Also a silly techinque that is proving to be quite effective for myself is to use negative imagery to associate with the ex. for example picture something that repulses you and when you think of him imagine him in that repulsive state. For me it's when some people talk and they get pasty white stuff in the corner of the mouth due to dry mouth, I picture him like that and it's an instant the turn off. Of course that never happened to him, but I try to picture him like that and it turns my stomach. It sound silly but it's a simple deprograming technique that really turns me off from him. LOL

 

Of course you have to be willing to forget him, some days I want to perpetuate his good memory and I do, but I don't allow that all the time otherwise I will never progress.

 

Tomcat33, You are very right about what you said about an EA the "intense" part. I have done so much research on both PA's and EA's and research does back up the fact that an EA can be even more devestating to a person and their marriage than a PA. I did a very wrong thing by getting involved with someone outside my marriage and I did not know what I was getting into. If I knew what I now know today I would never have put myself or my family through such a horrible nightmare.

 

AP:)

[Ruby Tuesday]

TC, She has alot of problems, she's seeing a doctor but her focus usually, is with letting go of this xMM and thats just the way it is. No matter what way you say it.

 

To risk her marriage, because she is "bored" or "because she was a stay at home mom" would be a tragedy and she's risking all that the more she dwells on this EA with the neighbor, xMM. Many BS's would feel betrayed by that because she is so focused on the EA still, in whatever way. It's supposed to be over and done with. I think she should take that seriously, she has a lot to lose.

 

I know an EA is serious. It's not going to stop until there's a blow up and I'm trying to help her prevent that because if the bomb drops, I'm not sure where she's going to be when the smoke clears. and that's all I'm saying.

[Meaplus3]

TC, She has alot of problems, she's seeing a doctor but her focus usually, is with letting go of this xMM and thats just the way it is. No matter what way you say it.

 

To risk her marriage, because she is "bored" or "because she was a stay at home mom" would be a tragedy and she's risking all that the more she dwells on this EA with the neighbor, xMM. Many BS's would feel betrayed by that because she is so focused on the EA still, in whatever way. It's supposed to be over and done with. I think she should take that seriously, she has a lot to lose.

 

I know an EA is serious. It's not going to stop until there's a blow up and I'm trying to help her prevent that because if the bomb drops, I'm not sure where she's going to be when the smoke clears. and that's all I'm saying.

 

RT, Why are you so HARSH? Is that fair of you to say I have alot of problem's? Do you really know me? NO you don't. As far as a "Blow Out", that's done. I will admit that my focus with Therapy was on what occured with xmm, however now it is shifting to the focus of myself and family. The last meeting I had with my Therapist I made it very clear that I needed to fix me, so that I could work on my marriage issues.

 

AP:)

[frannie]

It's supposed to be over and done with. I think she should take that seriously, she has a lot to lose.

 

I know an EA is serious. It's not going to stop until there's a blow up and I'm trying to help her prevent that...

 

Then you should know that just because something is 'supposed to be' over and done with doesn't make it so. With such a viewpoint how are you going to achieve your aim of making sure something does or doesn't happen in the life of someone you don't know, and surely don't understand?

 

This is AP's life... and how she handles it, or doesn't ... how it turns out... is really most of all down to her, and things you can't control... Yes, advice and opinions are great... but you have to know when to let go.

[Ruby Tuesday]

I'm not being harsh I am being honest. You have to let it go. He's gone.

 

And yes I did read your posts. I read all of them and I know it has been hard, but you have to just turn it off so you can move on with your life.

 

Plus if I havent made my point clear, you are risking your marriage by doing this. Let go before you lose too much. You wouldn't know what that was like unless you been though it and lost your husband to this EA. Even blaming yourself and allowing yourself to hurt over it is keeping yourself attached to that hurt, for whatever reason.

 

That negative attachment is only going to add more problems to your life

 

and being bored just isnt a good enough reason to risk your marriage over.

 

Im not trying to be mean I'm just honest with people. I dont candy coat things but I am not trying to be hurtful and I apologize if you misunderstood me in my quick response, because if you knew me, you would know I'm not that way at all... I meant it in a sister kind of way. Sorry AP.

[frannie]

But RT... aren't you just stating the obvious and providing no realistic solutions that are based in reality..?

[Ruby Tuesday]

Its hard at first but with practice it will get easier. First you learn to tune him out, like ignoring your husband talking on the phone in the background.

 

You learn to adapt to your obsession by practicing methods of turning it off and redirecting the energy into something else. Art, music, a F/T job.

 

Soon the xMM whould be like wallpaper to her, not even notice he is there if she really wants to let go.

 

For now, it remains unresolved and that's not really working out for her either, miss frannie.

 

Anyway, if xMM pulls some **** on you, even looks at you crosseyed, then blow it off. Dont stew over it, forget about him like yesterdays newspaper.

 

If you wake up sad and thinking about it too hard, take a bath and get clean and redirect your energy into doing something that is taking care of you, fixing your hair, painting your toes, anything but talking/thinking/dwelling on this EA.

[Meaplus3]

I'm not being harsh I am being honest. You have to let it go. He's gone.

 

And yes I did read your posts. I read all of them and I know it has been hard, but you have to just turn it off so you can move on with your life.

 

Plus if I havent made my point clear, you are risking your marriage by doing this. Let go before you lose too much. You wouldn't know what that was like unless you been though it and lost your husband to this EA. Even blaming yourself and allowing yourself to hurt over it is keeping yourself attached to that hurt, for whatever reason.

 

That negative attachment is only going to add more problems to your life

 

and being bored just isnt a good enough reason to risk your marriage over.

 

Im not trying to be mean I'm just honest with people. I dont candy coat things but I am not trying to be hurtful and I apologize if you misunderstood me in my quick response, because if you knew me, you would know I'm not that way at all... I meant it in a sister kind of way. Sorry AP.

 

RT, No harm done. Another character defect of mine is I am far to sensitive and that is a big problem within me!! I need a tougher shell I guess. Throughout my life with many conflict's and issues my sensitive side always get's in the way of my getting past thing's. Ya know right now I guess what bother's me the most here is that I have made a "Fool of myself" and that's a hard pill to swallow, especially when you have to reside so close to the individual. Moving might be the best option for me. I should not have made it sound like the bored stay at home mom thing is what caused this. What caused this was my foolishness to involve myself in a toxic relationship for so long and not focus on fixing myself and marriage instead. I made a bad choice and I have to accept it with all that I am, atleast I know one thing to be true I WILL NEVER DO THIS AGAIN!

 

AP:)

[Ruby Tuesday]

IOW = Find a new obsession! Something that makes you feel good about yourself!

[Tomcat33]

But RT... aren't you just stating the obvious and providing no realistic solutions that are based in reality..?

 

Seriously!!!

 

RT don't you think that if it were as simple as snapping fingers and turning it off or getting over it, people would choose that for themselves over the constant thinking and eternal pain? Depression and grief can alter the brain, the trauma (and yes losing someone even who was "just" an EA) can be traumatic, can cause the brain's chemical make-up to change, who's to say she is not capable of moving on even if she wants to.

 

Not to mention RT when I heard you talk about Answerplease I thought you knew her personally.

 

 

If someone dies is that how you handle their loved one's grief? You tell them "get over it they are not coming back, move on already" ??

 

GEES if this is how supportive you are when you are trying to help I'd hate to see you when you don't give a damn....yikes!!!

 

you're not being honest you are bieng unecessarily mean to somoene who is here looking for help.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

But RT... aren't you just stating the obvious and providing no realistic solutions that are based in reality..?

 

I disagree. The first step is acceptance without that you WILL NEVER MOVE ON. She is saying accept your situation and work toward getting over it.