princessa Posted April 11, 2007 Share Posted April 11, 2007 I think I'm coping somewhat well with my breakup. Not that I'm not hurting, but my breakdown moments seem to get further and further apart as time goes by. Yesterday was one of those sad days where I was an emotional mess and couldn't help but feeling sorry for myself and drowning in tears. But I became aware of something.. My tears weren't desperate anymore, they weren't the type where you don't know what to do with yourself, they weren't helpless in trying to find the answers to any questions with regards to why he left.. They were just plain, peaceful sadness towards the good memories.. and it almost felt good.. It's easier to move on knowing that I'm not the one who had to make the decision to leave the person I love. The burden of hurting the other was off my shoulders because I really did everything I could for this relationship and I wouldn't have quit. I had tried to break up with him numerous times before.. only to come back because I just couldn't do that to him, and I couldn't live with myself knowing that I gave up my best friend. As a (momentary) dumper, I was faced with the incessant guilt and questionning of my decision, especially during those breakdown moments where I'd think about the good times and the beautiful friendship that we once had. The fact that he is now in this position takes a huge weight off my shoulders. And that helps me feel at peace with the pain of losing him.. I glanced at my cell phone and wanted to reach out and tell him how much I missed him. But the fact that he made it clear that he didn't want any contact with me made it so simple not to call. Why would I? I've already communicated to him all of the solutions I could think of to solve our issues. What else is there to discuss? Saying "I miss you" is nice, and it might even be reciprocated by the other person.. but that doesn't change their decision. It's best to just let them figure things out on their own, instead of reaching out and falling in the trap that a glimpse of hope might show its head when the other person responds back with their feelings in a moment of weakness. I do hope that he misses me.. I hope that he at least questions his decision... But I will not try to influence it because I've already tried enough times while we were still together. And in the event that he is absolutely sure about what he's done, and has no remorse or doesn't miss me... Well I'm glad that at least I'm not being strung along anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted April 11, 2007 Share Posted April 11, 2007 Being the one dumped is easier? What are you smoking this morning? Being the one lied too, cheated on, misused, discarded, left standing empty handed is easier? Forever demolishing years of memories was no biggie eh? You are in denial, and a hopeless romantic. It must be easier to bare the brunt of the blame, and pain because you are the bigger person. You want your dumpor to feel no pain as he was so wonderful, it just didn't work out. I hope you get over this moment of irrational jibberish, soon. Link to post Share on other sites
smwhtshy Posted April 11, 2007 Share Posted April 11, 2007 P, I can relate to your position, don't necessarily agree with LD. I was also the "indirect" dumper for the last 6 months, not being mean or cruel, but trying every way I knew to make it work, when deep down, on some level I knew it never would. I don't know if my motivation was fear of being alone (probably), or losing the life (house, friend network, etc.) we had created, but I didn't want to go out of it without feeling like I had taken every step in my power and control to work it out. And how did it finally end? She finally said "if I loved you and the s*x was bad, I could stay, if I didn't love you but the s*x was good, I could stay, but I don't have either". Ouch....that was the screen door slamming me in the face. And, three days after leaving, surprise! some guy in her bike club and her were already going out. I was only mildly surprised. My point? I agree, the way it turned around that I became the dumpee, lets me go forward with my head held at least a bit higher than if I had bailed without the counseling, the negotiating, bargaining, etc. That is on her head. The bike guy might be a rebound..who knows? I don't care. And the day may come where she thinks, geez I had something great there, and I preferred instant gratification to the reward and value of having something that took some work to achieve. Dumpees, don't devalue your contribution to trying to make it work...or at the very least, don't "over value" your screwups, perceived mistakes, that you may be replaying over and over (i.e. if only I had complimented her cooking at that dinner party we had six months ago, etc). Its all BS. It is what it is.. Bottom line? P, you took a chance, and he didn't grab it. You can move on feeling like you were willing and open to seeing it succeed...and he may or may not (because you don't care!) see that someday. Good luck!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author princessa Posted April 11, 2007 Author Share Posted April 11, 2007 Being the one dumped is easier? What are you smoking this morning? Being the one lied too, cheated on, misused, discarded, left standing empty handed is easier? Forever demolishing years of memories was no biggie eh? You are in denial, and a hopeless romantic. It must be easier to bare the brunt of the blame, and pain because you are the bigger person. LOL! You must be very bitter to come up with such a harsh comment. It IS easier to be dumped than dumping the person you love. Loving someone and yet knowing that you have to walk away from the relationship takes a lot more courange than just having that decision imposed on you. Of course there are dumpers who will have emotionally checked out of the relationship a long time prior to doing the dumping... or cheat and lie and do these awful things... but then again I don't think that these people really end up with a clear conscience in the end, whether they let us know about it years down the line or not. You want your dumpor to feel no pain as he was so wonderful, it just didn't work out. I hope you get over this moment of irrational jibberish, soon. Whatever that meant? Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted April 11, 2007 Share Posted April 11, 2007 Me bitter? hell yes! and why not? If taking the responsibility and pain on yourself works for you, so be it. It's not my place to critisize, I was to harsh. Good Luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author princessa Posted April 11, 2007 Author Share Posted April 11, 2007 If taking the responsibility and pain on yourself works for you, so be it. What responsibility? DID YOU EVEN READ MY POST??!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
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