onestepback Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 Hi everyone, I am new to the forum and have been reading many posts over the past couple of days...I would like to share my story and hopefully, some of you may have some insight and advice...it is an extremely difficult time. My wife and I have been married 3 years this past month...we were engaged rather quickly, after two months of dating (I am 38, my wife is 28). We had a year-long engagement and some problems were evident in the relationship (so much so that we went to pre-marital counseling, to work on conflict resolution...we always had difficulty with how to resolve arguements or fights and we are both defensive). Throughout the course of the marriage, we got along great for the most part. It was mainly our stupid meaningless fights that put strain on the marriage...and really there was no mental or physical abuse...although, my wife was quite nasty when we would fight i.e. cursing me out, saying terrible things...I in turn would be nasty right back...it was no doubt a power struggle. Within the past year, we were trying actively to have a baby...my wife found out she had endometriosis (a disease that decreases the chance of being able to become pregnant due to fibroid growths in the uterus)...she had endoscopy surgery but still, we were not able to conceive..we even tried ovulation kits, etc. Throughout the course of the marriage, my wife had a noticably flat affect...at the beginning, she was happy a lot of the time (during the infatuation period) but I saw this begin to fade...and she resorted to smoking marijuanna a large amount of her time (she works in a health food store and we are both vegan). It bothered me, but I tried to bond with her on that level, smoking with her on rare occasion. Still, there was this sense that she was becomming more and more unhappy in her life...While I was developing businesses and progressing in my career, she was remaining stagnant...working as a deli manager at the health food store...she never went to college but at the beginning of the relationship, had dreams of becomming a naturopathic doctor... I tried to nurture her passions and dreams every way I could..I myself enrolled in a naturopathic study program (she decided to decline)...I would give her gifts to learn piano or start doing yoga again...but more and more she would withdraw...It seemed all she really wanted to do was hang out with her best friend from work and smoke. I tried to push us towards more of a social life, that we should hang out with other married couples...again, she was withdrawn and would never want to initiate or make long-term plans to hang out with others. She did not seem interested in hearing about my developing businesses although it relates directly to health and our vegan lifestyle...at the beginning, it seemed she wanted to get involved in a business like this together..when it came down to it, she had no interest...I suppose it was just not her..and perhaps my drive and achivements scared her. Recently, she told me it felt like her soul has been stifled and that my passions became more important (this was all in her head though). She felt I was dependent on the relationship at times, so I would learn to distance myself...gaining new friends, playing racquetball at the gym with new people, getting involved with my internet business, etc. Then I learned she felt I wasn't putting enough time into our relationship..I was on the internet too much of the time...it seemed I was stuck between being too dependent and being too withdrawn! I should mention, another issue she had in the marriage was early on, when she discovered I looked at a little porno. She equates that activity to cheating, so when i did it a second time, she almost ended the marriage...needless to say, I stopped looking at porno!! It all came to a head on New Years Eve this year, when we had a huge fight (because I asked her why she is so unhappy). She admitted that she is extremely unhappy in the marriage and blamed it all on me. She said I was the reason for her unhappiness...and that she does not feel the same passion for our relationship..The old story, she loves me but does not feel the "in love" feeling anymore... Although we were seeing a therapist about 6 months before, I felt we needed someone new..and I found an amazing therapist who recommended an incredible book (Getting the Love You Want by Harvey Harville). I read the book within a day and everything became so clear to me...my wife, on the other hand, did not want to read the book or be told what to do..as the therapist has told me, she is in a rebellious teenager stage (at the age of 28)...she is viewing me as her father and projecting a lot of things from the past on ME. I was devastated when I learned how she truly feels...she was refusing to really work on the marriage and showed up for therapy out of responsibility...but she was cold..and anything I would do to help (like making her a special CD of meaningful heartfelt songs or sending her chocolate at work fo Valentines Day) made things worse...she saw some sort of ulterior motive that was just not there.... we have been living under the same roof for the past 3 months, but as roommates...we sleep in the same bed, but do not make love or have affection. The therapist felt it best that my wife move out to help her "gain clarity", as my wife puts it. She is not sure what to do at this point, and living with me she not able to have insight...she is becomming annoyed with me for little things... I wrote her a letter and told her that I support her in moving out and finding herself..that I love her no matter how this turns out..and that she needs to do whatever will make her happy. It was hard, because really I don't want her to leave..but I want to support her and right now, we are stagnant.. I found out this past Sunday (Easter) that my wife did find an apartment...she cried as she told me, saying she feels maybe she is making a huge mistake by moving out...it is a month-to-month rental apartment, and she feels she needs about 2 months, 3 at the most. We agreed to not date other people during our separation...and we will continue therapy together. We will also meet 1-2 times a week for dinner and a fun activity. She feels we have to start all over again in order for us to move forward in our marriage...sort of like dating each other all over again (this is difficult to understand for me). She also said we can see how it goes and perhaps have "sleep overs"..mentioning that she will live closer to one of our favorite restaurants...it all seems so weird to me. She also describes this as a "test" for our marriage... So she is moving out this Friday and I am devastated, as the reality is really hitting home. I had individual therapy last night and found that my wife has been diagnosed...with major depression (recurring). The therapist told me this is something she has had throughout her life, not since being with me...it made me realize I really am not the root of her unhappiness, which was my biggest fear at the beginning... To be honest, everything I did was for my wife..I only wanted to make her happy in anyway I could...it all backfired..she is depressed and moving out. Any advice would surely be helpful, Thank you... One Step Back
sumdude Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 Hi Onestep, I'm really sorry to hear what you're going through. If you keep reading postrs here you'll see a lot of common threads to your situation. In some ways a lot like mine. I'll get the inevitable question out of the way. Are you sure there isn't someone else? You mentioned her best freind from work.... man or woman? Her own issues obviously play into this. Depression is a bitch and smoking pot makes it so much worse. The actions of blaming you for everything etc. sound like justifications for her to get out. One little peice of advice ask yourself "Do I really want someone that doesn't want me anymore?" Just let her go and see what happens. Be prepared for the end to come and if things somehow work out it would be a pleasant surprise. Good luck and stay strong.
Author onestepback Posted April 11, 2007 Author Posted April 11, 2007 Are you sure there isn't someone else? You mentioned her best freind from work.... man or woman? Thank you sumdude.. I am pretty sure there is nobody else in the picture..the person from work is a girl..and I don't suspect a lesbian affair. I am going to stay strong but sometimes it is really difficult.. I know the old saying: if you love something, set it free....if it comes back, it was yours.. if it doesn't, it never was... Those words really hold true for me right now... "its the same thing night after night, who's wrong, baby who's right? Another fight and I slam the door..another battle in our dirty little war"
LakesideDream Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 Advice from a different generation: Man up! You seem to want a "traditional" relationship in a very non traditional situation. You seem very posessed by your health and healthy lifestyle, without the same passion for your emotional life. Your "wife" wants to smoke dope and hang out with friends from work.. ah.. heard that before. Your metrosexual replies to the situation has no strength or direction and hasn't changed things at all. Time to step into the real world. Oh.. 90+% of the time wives who want to seperate to "get space or gain clarity" are talking to you in code. Decoded it means, I have found a new lover and need more time to enjoy his penis. Contact a lawyer, make the seperation legal, and see how she reacts. If she just lights up another reefer and chills, your out of luck. If the idea of leaving her makes her upset... maybe there is hope. Don't hold your breath.
Author onestepback Posted April 13, 2007 Author Posted April 13, 2007 This is so tough..she is moving out this weekend...I can't imagine how it will be in our home...with all of her stuff gone. It will really sink in, and I am afraid of slipping into a depression...I have been sick with flu the last three days and wonder if its psychosomatic...I will go into work today late but missed the last two days....part of me doesn't even care. I don't want to lose my wife..its hard to stand by and watch this happen...I still love her with all my heart. Then part of me has fear that if we did work through this, what is to say we won't get back together, have our first child together, and then the same thing will happen a few years down the road? I know there is no guarantees in life, but it really makes me question having trust and faith in this marriage...
sumdude Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 This is so tough..she is moving out this weekend...I can't imagine how it will be in our home...with all of her stuff gone. It will really sink in, and I am afraid of slipping into a depression...I have been sick with flu the last three days and wonder if its psychosomatic...I will go into work today late but missed the last two days....part of me doesn't even care. I don't want to lose my wife..its hard to stand by and watch this happen...I still love her with all my heart. Then part of me has fear that if we did work through this, what is to say we won't get back together, have our first child together, and then the same thing will happen a few years down the road? I know there is no guarantees in life, but it really makes me question having trust and faith in this marriage... I really feel for you and know what you're going through. In my case there was no warning, she just up and moved out one day. This is time you're going to have to take care of yourself like you never have before. If you're not doing it now seek counciling. Get regular exercise, daily sweating. This pulled me through the hardest parts. I guarantee it will help incredibly Eat, sleep and rest well. Give yourself a lot of breaks. There will be hard days. I took a whole weekend+ to greive the relationship. Just let it flow man, you're human and have feelings. Sob over the good times, the bad times. You're losing a loved one and act accordingly. It's a funeral for your marriage. Avoid drowning your sorrows in booze or drugs. You could end up with a bigger problem. Take it from me. Find a couple close freinds you can really trust to pour out on. Warn them ahead of time that you'll likely drive them nuts but if they care they'll let you rant n'rave. Keep your head up high man. You did everything you could with integrity. Cut off all contact with her that isn't absolutly necessary. Do not talk about the relationship with her at all. Don't try too hard to figure out what went wrong. Do try to see mistakes you may have made and own up to them. Otherwise let it go. Life will go on. You're a good man. Hope this all helps. I'm at about three months and things are really looking up so know there is a lot of light at the end of that tunnel. There are also millions of single women in the USA that will one day be knocking at your door. STAY STRONG MAN! REMEMBER YOU ARE A MAN!
Touche Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 She sounds very immature and not at all ready for marriage...let alone motherhood. I would be concerned if you did get back together because she's just not at the same stage in life as you are. I wish you the best as you get through this rough time.
jmargel Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 You have become the parent in the marriage and she the child. That doesn't work. You both need to be adults. However by you tolerating her behavior and letting her walk all over you, you are just endorsing it more. You need to give her some really tough love. I would start off by writing a letter, I will give you a sample of what I would write. I was in a similar situation and by my experience and others I have read & helped on here the only thing that WILL help is showing tough love. To stand up for yourself. Be compassionate but be firm. Make her face consequences for her actions. She's in the 'pity me' phase and not willing to make changes to her own life. You can't fix her, only she can through counseling. In the mean time for yourself, set goals and keep yourself busy. Don't dwell on the 'what if's' or what is going to happen in the future. Read up on the 5 stages of grief so you possibly know what to expect. As for this letter write it, but don't beg her back. Give it to her and just walk away. Let her then make the next move. Example letter: "My Wife, For I know we have been experiencing turmoil this past year in our marriage, I want you to know that above all I love you. As you know it takes 100% from both of us to get over these hurdles that are thrown our way and that no marriage is perfect. This letter is not to lay blame on either of us. We are both at fault and I feel that with the right counseling we could get 'us' back. However it takes a commitment from both of us. If you are willing to do this, I would love nothing more than to be by your side. We both need to make changes and though it may be hard at first we would not only do it for the marriage but for ourselves. I believe the best thing we can do no matter what happens is to communicate better between each other. However if you decide that you don't want to pursue this with me, I have no choice but to move on. I will make these changes within' myself regardless of you being here or not. This is what love really means, on being there 'for better or worse'. Though I love you and would miss you dearly I cannot have my life involved into someone who doesn't want to be with me. Though we have had bad times, in my opinion it doesn't outweigh the good. I still love you, for you. For all the good you possess and for the things we have shared together. The next move is upon you. I won't give you a time on when you have to decide, but if there is someone else in the picture then I won't even consider saving this marriage. I really hope you do some soul searching and find the right people to talk to if you need to in regards to all of this. When you want to talk I will be here. Love, xxxx " Something to the effect of that. Don't make it all drawn out and try not to sway to either begging or being mean to her. Then just do NC after giving her the letter. Give her the time she wants. Otherwise you'll scare her away. When she does want to talk, you MUST listen. What I mean by that is, when she is talking do NOT interrupt her. You may feel extremely disappointed or upset by the things she is saying but it's just as important on your replies. When she says something to you the two most important words for her to hear from you is 'I understand'. Don't go off trying to defend yourself or tell her why she shouldn't feel this way. By you saying 'I understand' you are putting down her defenses and actually making her feel like what she feels is important. By both of you being defensive nothing gets across. This is what leads to this kind of situation. You must know how to defuse it properly. Try to read up on books about communication. It will help.
Author onestepback Posted April 13, 2007 Author Posted April 13, 2007 Thank you, the advice in this forum really is helpful...I already wrote her a letter a couple of weeks ago..I basically told her that I agree she needs to move out to figure out what she wants..and that I think this decision is best for both of us. I told her there is no guilt or embarrassment in her decision, and I will not make her feel bad for it. I told her that I love her unconditionally, and if she needs to move on, I will understand. On the other hand, I told her if she decides she wants to work on this, I am here for her. I tried to tell her I want what is best for her, whatever will really make her happy. I look back now and wonder if I should think more about my own happiness now. I will be posting this weekend and throughout this ordeal to keep you all informed..it is helpful to learn from all of you, and hopefully ease the pain and shock of separation. Are there any good books or movies you recommend during this time? I was looking at a book on Amazon called " Getting Back Together: How To Reconcile With Your Partner - And Make It Last". Has anyone read it? Just wondered if its worth anything...I know most of you relate to the pain I am feeling and I take comfort in that...because the people in my life how no idea what this feels like and coping is definitely difficult. I will continue to work on myself, exercise, etc., although I must admit, it is hard to stay focused.
sumdude Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 Getting Back Together: How To Reconcile With Your Partner - And Make It Last[/b]". Has anyone read it? Just wondered if its worth anything...I know most of you relate to the pain I am feeling and I take comfort in that...because the people in my life how no idea what this feels like and coping is definitely difficult. I will continue to work on myself, exercise, etc., although I must admit, it is hard to stay focused. I read that book and a few others. It could be helpful IF your partner wants to work things out at some point. In my case, she didn't. But I still learned a few things that will help me when and if I get into a future serious relationship. One thing I learned in my experience. Sometimes talking about the relationship is counterproductive. You just dredge up past bad feelings again leaving the talking experience as a negative. Maybe down the road when the feelings aren't so fresh and strong it works better. "Let it be, let it be. Whisper words of wisdom, let it be."
Author onestepback Posted April 13, 2007 Author Posted April 13, 2007 I read that book and a few others. It could be helpful IF your partner wants to work things out at some point. In my case, she didn't. But I still learned a few things that will help me when and if I get into a future serious relationship. One thing I learned in my experience. Sometimes talking about the relationship is counterproductive. You just dredge up past bad feelings again leaving the talking experience as a negative. Maybe down the road when the feelings aren't so fresh and strong it works better. "Let it be, let it be. Whisper words of wisdom, let it be." thank you..good point. Its hard when it seems only one wants to save the relationship. Here comes the weekend...luckily, I was able to make plans like participate in a racquetball tournament and going to a concert with a friend on Saturday night...its in the empty hours that the pain will sink...those are the times that will be most difficulty (like right now, this very moment)...sorry to sound so dramatic and less manly. I will get through this and stronger..I feel I have changed so much already. Its the kind of thing you wish was a dream but as you realize it is happening, you go into a state of shock...that is where I am. "and in the end, the love you take..is equal to the love..you make"
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