wellanydaynow Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 Hello, I have been reading a number of the post here and decided that I may benefit from those of you that have "been there and done that". I suspected my wife of 25 years of having a cyber affair starting in November of 2006. One night very late I got up to get some water and found her "busy" at the computer. She quickly closed down everything, said she could not sleep and was just browsing. To my surprise when she stood up to leave I could see a set of nipple Clips under her PJs. I never bought them and she never told me she had them. The next day I purchased PC-Tattletail and installed it on the computer. Within a couple of days I had e-mail, chat, Im account names and passwords. The stuff I found destroyed me. My wife had tracked down a OLD high school crush (married OM) and started up a friendly, then personal, then intimate relationship with him. She stroked his ego and he told her what she wanted to hear. Beginning in December they started having "jack and Jill" parties late at night via IM. (look it up folks). Om lives about 3 hours away but travels alot. OM and my wife met in person for pizza early in January 2007. (I read the E-mails) this is where OM gave her the "toys". I confronted her with all the stuff I had told her that she was to stop all contact and get rid of all the "stuff". Big surprise, she did not. She told me it was, exciting, fun, and she was entitled. She and OM just got more secretive. They moved their activites to where they worked. Here is my problem. I contacted OM. I had enough information about him that allowed me to track him down, Phone, address, wifes name, everything. So I wrote him an e-mail..then called him and scared the "sh.." out of him. He was anxious to not rock the boat ..his second marrage. xxx "If you have any respect for your current and SECOND marriage and the now tenuous relationship with your wife... I strongly recommend that you immediately and permanently discontinue any and all contact with my wife xxx.. ..no e-mails, no online chats, no phone calls, no faxes, no in person meetings, no purchases of any kind, no cards, no letters, any and all contact through an intermediary ...nothing... Believe me when I say.... I will find out about it. I have copies of hundreds of e-mails that document your activities with my wife, in very explicit detail. your activities destroyed my marriage, let's see if you are smart enough to preserve your own." It wasn't until I contacted OM that everything stopped. (I Think). So basically my wife thinks OM broke it off. looking back I now think that this is not over, and maybe I am a fool. She no longer stays up an night, and is making some progress at fixing "us". In my gut I worry that after I drop my guard she will start things up again. I had a new well paying job all lined up. All I had to do is sign the offer letter. I live in Il and the job was in NM. One look at my new grandson and I couldn't go..
Sup Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 Don't drop your guard. Do you have any idea if they had sex? They may have, but she won't tell ya. Contact a lawyer and find out about your rights, don't tell your wife you're doing this. If it were me, I would've dropped her a long time ago....... Make sure you cover your tracks, don't let her find this site.
Frances Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 I doubt very much if they had sex, even so it must have come as quite a shock to you. Not been able to sleep at her age is quite common. Sounds like your w was just bored and looking for a bit of excitement. She may be over it by now and had you not found out it may have just [FONT="]fizzled [/FONT]out. Do you have any other reason not to trust her? Maybe she needs a bit of attention from you and does not want to feel like a grandmother. Apart from this are things okay between you?
LakesideDream Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 Sounds like another "Classmates" disaster. I was where you are now seven years ago.. I just didn't find out about it until after the "I need space" speach. As for nipping it in the bud as you think you have, I wouldn't count on it. After banking 25 years of marriage, raising children, as you mentioned the arrival of grandchildren you are no more secure in your marriage than you were in the beginning. The rules have changed. Begin preparing for the worse. Consult with a lawyer and find out what's best for you to do in your locality. Protect yourself emotionally and practically. Frankly I don't believe marriage counseling, or other interventions are usefull when a partner in a 25 year marriage begins this type of behavior. They have already overcome gigantic obsticals to begin their indescretion. Oh.. as for them not "sleeping together" I agree. Feverish sex in a motel room is much more likely. Banging away as long and hard as possible before splitting to go home to their respective spouses is the norm. Think of how smug she felt, interacting with you when home knowing how satisfying it felt "getting some" elsewhere. Whether you know it or not, this is the beginning of you "checking out" of the relationship too. Good Luck, and Gawd's speed. It's a bumpy ride ahead.
mrmaximum Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 This sounds very bad and you need to find out your rights ASAP. "Big surprise, she did not. She told me it was, exciting, fun, and she was entitled." This line troubled me the most, if the 25 years that you have BOTH invested meant anything than she would've agreed to cut off all ties. IMO she is working on your relationship now due to the void that this other relationship has left. Yeah there may be other factors at work here in this relationship, but she chose to betray you instead of come to you and then she chose this person instead. Would she still be so gung ho to work things out if she knew what you did? Not a good scene.
jmargel Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 I agree with the previous poster. That line tells you alot. That she does not express any remorse and feels like she is due this? Sounds like a immature teenager who really doesn't respect what you feel/think. As for you contacting the OM, even if it is done between them two they will eventually start back up again. That is why you are paranoid, unsure about things. You are unsure about these things because your wife still wants to continue it. Very tough love is in order here, and you really need to make her face the consequences of what she has done to you. As long as you roll over and piddle she'll continue to disrespect. All you have done is spew words. In one ear and out the other. Trust me on this. You need to show actions. Kick her out, tell her you are really thinking about seperation. This has really cracked the foundation of your marriage.
VinaAmez Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 I confronted her with all the stuff I had told her that she was to stop all contact and get rid of all the "stuff". Big surprise, she did not. She told me it was, exciting, fun, and she was entitled. She said she's entitled. Yeah I don't think so. She and OM just got more secretive. They moved their activites to where they worked. Should have ended when you caught her the first time. But she choose to keep on doing it. What makes you think she'll stop again? xxx "If you have any respect for your current and SECOND marriage and the now tenuous relationship with your wife... I strongly recommend that you immediately and permanently discontinue any and all contact with my wife xxx.. ..no e-mails, no online chats, no phone calls, no faxes, no in person meetings, no purchases of any kind, no cards, no letters, any and all contact through an intermediary ...nothing... Believe me when I say.... I will find out about it. I have copies of hundreds of e-mails that document your activities with my wife, in very explicit detail. your activities destroyed my marriage, let's see if you are smart enough to preserve your own." I like that. Perhaps if it doesn't stop his W should know about it. I know others here don't think it's a good idea but what the hell, I would. looking back I now think that this is not over, and maybe I am a fool. She no longer stays up an night, and is making some progress at fixing "us". In my gut I worry that after I drop my guard she will start things up again. MC yet? There's reasons why she's doing this. Is she sorry for what she did?
directx Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 And pretend to keep your guard down. Let her get comfortable and see if she goes back to her old ways.
Frances Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 No one is asking the question "why she started doing this?" Did this come out of the blue? This seems very strange for someone who has been married for 25 years to just suddenly start going complety off the rails without some explanation.
Woggle Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 If she is entitled to cheat you are entitled to divorce her.
Frances Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 Just looked up about Jack and Jill parties. Find out what the hell is wrong with her and if you can not discover a reasonable explanation for her going off the rails get a lawyer.
Author wellanydaynow Posted April 20, 2007 Author Posted April 20, 2007 It has been a week since my last post. Thanks for your insights. I am still paranoid as hell. All the stuff I read here says that she/om will hookup again. For me if and when I find out.. it will be the deal breaker. I am 55 years old and insecure about starting over and having my kids hate me for leaving mommy. W still has access to email and chat at work and times when she is there all alone (3 person office). I am considering playing my trump card an contacting OM-w an sending her all the stuff I have. I hope that would send him away for good but worry it may backfire and make him more "available". I have read a lot of pro/cons about filling in om/ow. I realize that doing so won't fix anything but it sure will feel good.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 Absolutely contact OM wife. Do it anonymously, tell her what you know and offer her the "hard" evidence that you have if she wants it. Consider it an act of good will. She deserves to know. If they end up together, so be it, good riddance. Why on earth would your children blame you?
mrmaximum Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 I am 55 years old and insecure about starting over and having my kids hate me for leaving mommy. When my Mom kicked my dad out of the house initially for infidelity, I was told that my Dad did something inexcusable and I did accept it, none of my siblings really were upset at my mom to be honest. You're right that emotions are running high in regards to this choice, however, this doesn't mean you are to be used as her doormat, her 'backup' if you will because of it. If they ask, tell them the same, she broke your trust. It also sends a strong message to them that they shouldn't put up with crap in their lives either. You've already gone above and beyond by not ending things, you don't need to put up with more if she decides to continue. Hope things work out.
Sup Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 It has been a week since my last post. Thanks for your insights. I am still paranoid as hell. All the stuff I read here says that she/om will hookup again. For me if and when I find out.. it will be the deal breaker. I am 55 years old and insecure about starting over and having my kids hate me for leaving mommy. W still has access to email and chat at work and times when she is there all alone (3 person office). I am considering playing my trump card an contacting OM-w an sending her all the stuff I have. I hope that would send him away for good but worry it may backfire and make him more "available". I have read a lot of pro/cons about filling in om/ow. I realize that doing so won't fix anything but it sure will feel good. Oh, it WILL make OM think a bit more in the very least! You 2 are on to them now!
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