MikeC Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 Wow, this sounds like my recent breakup lol. Ok Sleepless. If you pay attention to anything, pay attention to this post. You don't want to giveup on him. You want to get some answers. You think he hates you. Believe me when I say that contacting him to figure this all out WILL NOT IN THIS LIFETIME get him back faster. You think it will, God as my witness. BUT IT WONT. I did this same EXACT thing with my EX, and it pushed her further and further away. The first week of NC was rough as hell. But by week 2, I felt so much better. PLEASE, FOR YOUR OWN SAKE. DO NOT CONTACT HIM WHATSOEVER. THIS SEEMS LIKE THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT TO DO, BUT IT ISNT. IF YOU EVER WANT TO FEEL BETTER, LEAVE HIM BE. LET HIM COME TO YOU. DO IT!
Author SLEEPLESS IN NJ Posted April 24, 2007 Author Posted April 24, 2007 Thank Mike & Katie....really...All your help def helped!! I hungout with him Friday night we talked and did get into a little spat about things however I was still unclear what was going on....He called me Saturday and told me that he was going out for guys night out (I was upset but I didnt show it; I just told him to have fun) most the night he was out he texted me little silly things (i loved it) Then when he woke up on sunday he called me and we hungout we even watched the Sopranos together! I don’t know about him but I feel so much better about our relationship...I just dont want to jump the gun....what should I do?
Island Girl Posted April 24, 2007 Posted April 24, 2007 Go really really slow. Don't push or ask a lot of questions. Just RELAX. If he asks anything just offer up the answer -- no games or immature crap. And no more freak out sessions.
Author SLEEPLESS IN NJ Posted April 26, 2007 Author Posted April 26, 2007 Thanks again...for all your help really!!! I just dont know what to do....Things havent been the same with us I dont know what he feels anymore...I just called him alittle while ago to see how his day was going and to see how he was feeling (he has a cold) and he just rushed me off the phone stating that he was busy..... Maybe he was maybe he wasn't but why be so rude about it!! I dont know maybe I'm looking into it too much....what do you think? I just wish I knew....
smwhtshy Posted April 26, 2007 Posted April 26, 2007 All the really good advice givers on this site, who have had the experience, (riokini, oppath, artcritic, etc.) will tell you, NO CONTACT is absolutely the best way to heal, and the best way to get through this time. And its like quitting smoking, the more days that go by, the easier it gets, and one day you wake up and you're not thinking about having that first cigarette.... SINJ, this is abovis is from my earlier post...not to slap you, but.. Stop calling, stop obsessing, stop thinking of what to say, etc. NO contact NO contact, just repeat it. One thing to think about, is to rehearse in your mind all the things he could say when you call...and none of them have a happy outcome except maybe, "I want back". And know in your heart, that if thats what he wanted, HE would be calling YOU..not the other way around. So, no reason really to contact him, right? Remember, when you pick up the phone, rehearse in your mind all the potential results of the contact...and realize that all but one, will hurt you again, and RESTART the healing for you. Good luck...you're on the right path, just stop the contacting
Author SLEEPLESS IN NJ Posted April 27, 2007 Author Posted April 27, 2007 I so fed up with this **** I dont know what else to do but VENT!!!! I just got off the phone with him and well....he went out with some people from work and forgot to call me back.....how f**ken rude is that!!! How the f**k do you forget to call back!!!!! I dont deserve to be treated this way!!! Now my question is do I answer the f*ucken phone if he calls he knows Im upset and pissed right now......or should I just talk to him tomorrow....
Island Girl Posted April 28, 2007 Posted April 28, 2007 You obsess waaaaaaay too much about everything in this relationship. He doesn't call and you obsess as to why -- he calls and you obsess as to the "status" of your relationship. My guess is that you are 'upset and p*ssed' a lot. -- If not p*ssed, sad or in some other way emotional. I'm sorry to say this but being in any kind of relationship sounds like it'd be a lot of work. Too much really. Don't answer the phone when he calls - go out to a movie or out with your friends --- DON'T get drunk. It'll only make you even more emotional and you'll end up drunk dialing and creating more drama. Take some time and cool off. You need to back off and get yourself on track. This relationship consumes your every thought and feeling. That is NOT healthy. My advice is to break it off calmly yourself, tomorrow or after, and stay single until you can prioritize your life and get yourself esteem on track so you don't become so wrapped up in anybody that you lose yourself and your perspective so easily.
Ssheena Posted April 28, 2007 Posted April 28, 2007 Hi Sleepless... I'm sorry that this is still dragging on. I think if you go back and read over what you have received from us posters here as replies to you, it will be clearer to you what has been said before. I think you are realizing this yourself now. He is not treating you with any respect. It is not a good relationship for you if you have to put so much effort into it and feel so insecure one minute and angry the next. It could even be that he is treating you like he is because he is trying to get you to break up/say "I don't deserve this from you or anybody" and by doing so taking the easy way out. He gets you to make the decision he tried to make before. Would you treat a friend like he treats you? What would you say if it was your best girlfriend, closest friend telling you about how her boyfriend was treating her? Wouldn't you tell her to ditch him? That he was a jerk? That you are too good to put up with that crap? Take a step back and really think about what you want and if you are getting it. Best wishes.
Author SLEEPLESS IN NJ Posted April 28, 2007 Author Posted April 28, 2007 You are 100% right...but its easier said then done.... I texted him asking him where he was he writes back NYC...like no ****en sh*t I know that (he was going out after work with people said he had to entertain its part of his job) blah blah blah doesnt even ask where I am or anything...then he writes he phone is dying....so what do I do....I dont write back...and wait about an hour and a 1/2 call him just to hear his phone go to voicemail and what do I find....I find out that he's on the phone...He did call me when he got home told me I was insecure and I dont treat him like I should....I just dont understand how can I treat him good when he treats me like dirt.... I cant take this I havent gone to bed yet....so upset....and I know he doesnt care
katiebour Posted April 28, 2007 Posted April 28, 2007 Sending you some hugs Sleepless :bunny: Do me a favor hun. Go to the craigslist posting for NYC, here: http://newyork.craigslist.org/ Go to "men seeking women" or "misc romance" or even "casual encounters" if you are feeling frisky. You don't have to do anything except look, and realize this: Your ex-bf (lets just assume that's what he is for now) is not the only fish in the sea. Read through the posts, and think, "hey, I'm single! That guy is HOT." Go, look, and although it may be quite a while until you are ready to move on, let me tell you that nothing helps to assuage a wounded heart/pride quite like being desirable to someone else. Take some long baths, buy a book or two, cuddle up in a blankey and watch tv with popcorn- pamper yourself a bit. Go to a secondhand store and pick up a puzzle. You need to spend some time with you- arguing with or feeling bad about him is not going to help. Write some poetry, cry when you need to, talk to friends and family. You know and I know that someone who loves you and wants you wouldn't be treating you like this. Don't be the kicked puppy coming back for more. Just be yourself, single, for a little while. You'll be ok and if it's meant to be it will be at some point in the future. I've been there, and I know that nothing helps to drive away a pitying and embarrassed ex like grasping at straws, constant contact, begging, etc. Why don't you get your phone number changed, too? That's my two cents punkin.
Journey1220 Posted April 28, 2007 Posted April 28, 2007 Doesn't no contact your every day life ? How does one function when trying to maintain this gut wrenching code of silence ? Its like I dont even want to work, eat, sleep, all I do is wonder what my ex is doing and if she is thinking about me.
katiebour Posted April 29, 2007 Posted April 29, 2007 There is a sort of saying in Al-Anon, let me paraphrase: "An alcoholic focuses on themselves to the exclusion of everyone else- the Al-Anon focuses on the alcoholic as a way of avoiding everything else." The lesson to take from this is that focusing on someone else is often a good way to avoid looking at yourself- your life, your work, your own faults and problems. Saying "my life would be perfect if Mr./Ms. Ex were in it" is an escape route. I do it, too. It's hard not to make the person you care for the focus of your life. But every now and then you have to step back, take a deep breath, sniffle, and say, "What can I do to take care of/improve ME?" The first step to healing from a breakup is to stop the infliction of misery upon oneself by reflecting constantly on the loss. Your life will, must go on, and you have to live it, without that person. It's hard, and I don't imagine that there's anyone on earth who doesn't wonder about a former love from time to time. But you have to make YOURSELF the focus of YOUR life again. What little things do you enjoy? Playing video games, reading books, going to a museum, polka? Whatever it is, go, do it, immerse yourself in it, and just keep reminding yourself to live for you, not for someone else. One day at a time.
Author SLEEPLESS IN NJ Posted May 1, 2007 Author Posted May 1, 2007 Who ever has been following my relationship (or lack of) things I thought got better....we hung out and have a great day Sunday....talked on the phone Saturday for hours.....now things just got worse AGAIN!!!! As most of you know my b/f and I have been up, down, and just about all around. We have been talking about him turning 30, and hes taking it a little hard and he was having me help plan a trip to Vegas with him and his friends..... He tells me yesterday that he no longer wants me to go with them! I'm super hurt and p*ssed off by this! It was very rude of him to invite me then uninvite me... Yes I trust him but when there is drinking and TONS of new temptation... it's kind of a bad bet. . .plus his friends are the type of NJ/NY guys that never want to grow up and to tell you the truth are a bunch of players...I can't see anything good happening without his g/f there to get drunk with. . . this just sounds like a recipe for disaster..... am I wrong? I can see if it was a bach party or something... I dont understand that...I wouldnt go with the girls to Vegas I would want to go away with my b/f.....I would want him there to party with, get drunk with and have a good time with but thats just me I guess..... Please help....Am I over reacting???????
Guest Posted May 1, 2007 Posted May 1, 2007 . . .plus his friends are the type of NJ/NY guys that never want to grow up and to tell you the truth are a bunch of players... whoa sweet pea! we are not all players! -- if it makes you feel any better, summers around the corner. time to get things going on and forget about the ex's! ...at least thats what im trying to do -mr x
sb129 Posted May 1, 2007 Posted May 1, 2007 Ok sleepless. I read the other thread first. After reading this one- I don't think your BF wants to be with you anymore. You are suffocating him with YOUR demands and YOUR worries. HIS mom is really sick- he has enough on his plate without your insecurities coming to the fore. I know you were sick too, but he supported you thru your stuff- you should do the same.. You are making life difficult for him, not easier. A good partner supports someone and makes their life easier. They don't back them into a corner, hound them, and disregard their wishes. Let it go sleepless.... you will not win him back by continuing this kind of behaviour.
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