SLEEPLESS IN NJ Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 Hi Everyone, I need a little advise and have no one to turn too... here is the deal.... Im 26 and he's going to be 30 in July. We have a wonderful relationship overall (little fights here and there who doesnt), and we are celebrating our 1 year anniversary on saturday, we both know that we love each other. I know it hasnt been easy for him (his mother is sick...in and out of the hospital) I was I diagnosed with cervical cancer and had to have surgery (he was there for me every step of the way) and now I'm tring and be there for him however I think he feels that I'm suffocating him... Aaaaanyway, in the past month, I feel like he has been pulling away from me. I try and get him to talk to me and find out what is bothering him but he wont tell me. Friday night we went out with his friends and they got into an altercation (He is a calm guy, not a tough guy he was sticking up for his friend) it ended up with him knocking some guy out. We all started to leave before the cops and when walking to the door he ran into another one of his friends that he hasnt seen in a couple years and when I turned around...I lost them....I waited and looked around but I didnt see him...so I texted him with "where are you" like 2 mins later he wrote back outside...I then left and started to walk to the car and no one was there...so I called and he flipped out on me for not following him out and I got pissed off and flipped out as well....he hung up on me....so I got into my car and left (yes I was wasted and should not have been driving (he knew that)) I had no idea where I was and of course there had to be a detour to make matters worse. Aaaaanyway to make a long story short I ended up calling one of my friends and they helped me find my way. I called him a couple times during that time and we would just yell and hangup...One of his friends started to drive him to my house and they stopped at taco bell and thats when he told me to meet him there...so I did..... We talked and we both vented and had makeup sex. Everything was great we spent the whole day together on Saturday. Easter unfortunately we went our seperate ways with our families. I ended up talking to him later that night around 10ish however when he called I was on the other line with my friend John, but I picked up anyway and put him on hold why I got off the phone with John. When I came back to his line I asked me who it was......and I paused and Lied and told him it was my friends ex b/f....(NO IDEA WHY I DID THIS, HE KNOWS JOHN AND I HAVE NO FEELINGS FOR HIM) he reads me very well and knew I was telling a little whitelie and flipped out.... He told me he wanted to kool off and he will talk to me in the morning....I agreed....but ever since then things havent been the same....Monday he wouldnt answer my calls, emails, he wont text me back nothing....Yesterday we talked (40 mins) and I thought that I was making some progress I called him around 10:30 and left a voicemail and no answer, no text no nothing....(We always say goodnight to each other before going to bed). Now today I sent him a text... I wrote: "will you talk to me, and tell me whats going on babe? I want to help" he wrote back: "Im in a bad place mentally right now. I want time alone" I wrote back: "you where there for me let me try and help babe! Dont push me away" He wrote: " Iwant to be alone. That will help me right now. Can you do that for me?" I wrote: " if that is what you want! What do I do in the mean time? Do I move on, or wait?" He wrote: "its your life do what you want" I wrote: "Do I have a b/f?" He wrote: " I need time. No more texts." What do I do??? Someone PLEASE help me....do I treat this like a break up and move on...or do I wait and pray he comes around? I have been doing nothing but crying I havent been to work all week...and I dont know what to do..... SOMEONE ANYONE PLEASE HELP!!!
Author SLEEPLESS IN NJ Posted April 11, 2007 Author Posted April 11, 2007 CMon someone has to help me
New Hope Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 Respect his wishes and go into NO CONTACT FOR ABOUT A MONTH, Thats means NO EMAIL NO TEXT NO NOTHING, and focus on improving your life and goals..remove any traces that reminds you of him...it will be hard, believe me I know..but u can do it....DATE DATE DATE other people you cant stop your life for one person...practice "Apathy"...dont say you still love or need him none of that..Take No Contact as a form of healing yourself...you dont need someone to make you happy..remember that...
Guest Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 Honey... Stop texting him and calling him. if he says he needs some time then you give it to him! trying to contact him will only make things worse...remember that. How long have you guys been together? Are you in love? Men sometimes need space and time to themselves to evaluate their lives whereas women need to talk about issues to evaluate their lives. Confide in some girlfriends or write in a journal to help sort out your feelings. Focus on yourself and your health and happiness and if he comes around GOOD FOR HIM..if not ...THEN YOU ARE MUCH BETTER OFF WITHOUT HIM! remember you cannot help him...it is not your fault...and this may be a blessing in disguise
Author SLEEPLESS IN NJ Posted April 11, 2007 Author Posted April 11, 2007 So thats it... I should take this as a break up? I'm so heartbroken!!! I really loved this man. We would have been together a year this Saturday.
New Hope Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 yeah you should take it has a breakup, whats meant to be will be...just use the time apart to focus on yourself...Remember no contact for a month even longer if must...who knows during that time u might want him back, might not..
Author SLEEPLESS IN NJ Posted April 12, 2007 Author Posted April 12, 2007 yeah you should take it has a breakup, whats meant to be will be...just use the time apart to focus on yourself...Remember no contact for a month even longer if must...who knows during that time u might want him back, might not.. He's a part of my life...how can I just go from talking to him everyday to no contact what so ever????? Does anyone have any tips how they did it?
littlekitty Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 Firstly the main thing it takes is will power. Gotta have that in bucket loads! Remove his phone numbers, and email so you don't have them handy. Take each day at a time. Every day it will get easier. Remember that he asked you for this. You have to give it to him, think of it as a gift to someone you love/d. Men turn inwards when they have these types of issue. He may not be dealing with things with his Mum well. He may have had issues in your relationship. Unfortunately right now you aren't going to get any clear answers. So you are going to have to accept the unknown and try to move onwards. Just do things for you. To improve your life. And take each small step at a time.
Ssheena Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 Anytime you get the urge to call or write him or contact him in anyway, post here. Write him a letter but do not under any circumstances send it to him. Reward yourself for each small step you make, each day you do not call him. Allow yourself to mourn.
stace79 Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 I guess the big thing for me that is helping me not contact my ex is that he isn't contacting me, and in your case, this guy told you not to contact him. I had to stop looking at this from the perspective of a victim...that he "did this to me." Screw that...he's telling you he doesn't wanna talk to you right now, and you don't know for how long he's going to feel that way. Doesn't that make you mad? It makes me livid that my ex isn't calling and begging me to forgive him and take him back, so d@mned if I'm going to stroke his ego by contacting him. That sort of helps to look at it that way. Yes, I still have those sentimental sad moments, but I'm fighting hard to remember this is not something I caused, it's not a situation I should take any blame for. He made this bed. The biggest point is that he asked you not to talk to him right now. Keep reminding yourself that this is what he asked for. If and when he decides to start talking to you again, then YOU get to decide if you want to after he hurt you. Remember that.
Author SLEEPLESS IN NJ Posted April 12, 2007 Author Posted April 12, 2007 Stace79 ~ I understand what you are saying but I love this man and I'm willing to fight for him not just toss everything away. If he's going through a bad time in his life I want to be that shoulder he crys on, that friend to talk to I dont want to turn my back at his time of need. Yes it makes me mad as hell that he pushed me away like this....but men are weird and like to be left alone (RIGHT GUYS??) I dont know much about relationships but I do know that I dont want to give up on this one and have him think I dont care! Ssheena ~ Thanks for the help but if I had to post here everytime that I had the urge to call him I would be posting 24/7 LOL
Author SLEEPLESS IN NJ Posted April 12, 2007 Author Posted April 12, 2007 Just talking about him makes me want to call him right now!!!! gRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
mistizzle21 Posted April 15, 2007 Posted April 15, 2007 I can understand you wanting to be there for him. It's completely understandable.However, I can assure you nothing will push him away further or more quickly than not respecting his wishes. For one, it's a basic "human nature" concept. If an animal is placed in a cage by someone else it will most likely grow defiant and hateful of the cage and have an overwhelming "need" to break out. Where as if the animal wanders into the cage of it's own accord it might find it very suitable and enjoying. There's no guarantee he will come to you but you HAVE to let HIM do it, otherwise his reaction will be that of the animal placed in the cage vs. wandering in on it's own accord. You could make him cards and chicken soup and as sweet and thoughtful as the gesture was intended to be all he'll see is that menacing old cage. I know it's confusing right now for you because you have no definitive yes or no answer on getting back together. It's one thing when a guy says adios amigos and regardless of how heartbroken you are, you still feel "okay time to move on". When someone breaks up and leaves a cloud of ambiguity behind them it's so tough because you feel "If I move on, they might feel betrayed" or "If I just hang on, they'll be back". It's a really rought spot and I know that, but setting a no contact goal like a poster suggested earlier is a great idea. It will give you some defination to the situation, you'll know "no contact" for that month. In the meantime don't restrict yourself from having fun. Go out with the girls, get outdoors, don't be afraid to meet new guys for fun. I don't mean one night stands sort of fun, I mean just enjoy yourself and don't put any pressure like "If I meet this guy I have to date him" or "he asked me out we HAVE to have a relationship". You'll just freak yourself out that way, let things be light and fun. That's the best advice I can give you.
Author SLEEPLESS IN NJ Posted April 16, 2007 Author Posted April 16, 2007 So I went without contacting him saturday it was so hard but I went out with some friends and didnt call him not once....He didnt call or text me either.... When I woke up I just couldnt deal with it anymore I was so mad that I just called him he answered and we talked....he told me he was thinking about me last night but and that he still cares but doesnt know what he wants. I went on telling him that its not fair to me to keep me hanging on like that he got pissed and we got into a fight...he ended up tell me he cant trust me, and called me every name in the book.... I dont know what to do....Im about to say *** it and just start telling myself Im single.... mistizzle21 ~ Thanks for your words...you do have a couple points but its so hard to toss it all away when in fact it might not be the end.....
New Hope Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 Sleepless In NJ, I told you want u needed to do, take the advice of someone who;s been thru it and has gotten results...you thought by calling him u'll feel better but at the end you felt worse!!! when u didnt call him he thought about u..just like I told u earlier that would happen...apply the NO CONTACT formula.....GIVE IT TIME!!...Rome was not built in one day.....
Author SLEEPLESS IN NJ Posted April 17, 2007 Author Posted April 17, 2007 I just have this feeling that its over....I feel like he doesnt care and moved on Why I feel like this I dont know but I do.....Im so upset and Im trying to keep it together at work and its so hard all I want to do is cry!!
smwhtshy Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 Sleepless, this is coming from a guy who's been inthis same situation with a girl, and you have got to figure out some way to do REAL no contact, and keep it that way, no matter how hard it is...anything else, jsut like your call the other night, presents you as a needy, clingy, emotionally distraught person. And I'm NOT saying thats not the place you're in, or that its wrong (and that its part of healing), but guess what, he didn't know that...but he does now. Until your call, for all you know, he might have been thinking "hmm..did I do the right thing?" and remembering all the cool times you had, and then your contacting not only reinforced his decision as being right, it also cancelled out the few hours/minutes he had to think about whether he missed you or not. Not to mention, he had asked you not to, which tells him that it was more important to you to work on YOUR hurt, rather than respect his wishes...thats not love (or at least thats how he'll see it). Sorry if this is harsh, and BELIEVE ME, I appreciate and understand the pain you're in, but contacting him only HURTS you in the long run, your recent experience is proof of that. All the really good advice givers on this site, who have had the experience, (riokini, oppath, artcritic, etc.) will tell you, NO CONTACT is absolutely the best way to heal, and the best way to get through this time. And its like quitting smoking, the more days that go by, the easier it gets, and one day you wake up and you're not thinking about having that first cigarette.... Good luck...!
Author SLEEPLESS IN NJ Posted April 17, 2007 Author Posted April 17, 2007 Thank you...but thats just it....I dont know if we are over or not... He never said we are over... I thought that working together to solve problems usually is better than solving them with space between us….isnt talking things out better rather then just give up? I think I want to call him tonight and ask him what is up....This has gone on long enough....I know that I want to give things a full chance, I don’t want to quit, and I am willing to do what it takes to work it out. But at what cost to me personally and emotionally? I can only take so much!!! I already told him I was sorry for messing up....I have nothing else to say
annabelle75 Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 I don't want to be harsh, but I think he's showing you by his actions as opposed to using words what he wants, at least for now. If he wants to talk to you he will. If you approach him now when he obviously does not want to talk to you, you are guarateeing that he will end things. I think the only way there might be a possibility of this ending with the two of you together is if you do leave him alone. Even though he hasn't said it, you need to consider it over for now. Perhaps after he's had some time to sort through it all he'll decide that he might want to give it another try, but you don't count on that. I know its hard but NC is all you can do right now. If you call him when he's told you not to he will probably end things.
Miss_Bee Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 Try your hardest not to call him. He asked for space, and you are making things alot worse for him and for your relationship everytime you contact him. He's going through a very rough time right now with his mom being sick. Also, he caught you lying for no reason, he's trying to deal with that also. I know you want to be there for him and be his shoulder, but sweetie, men aren't like that. They don't look for shoulders to cry on when they are dealing with problems. Men want to figure them out on their own. I'm sure that if you give him his space he will contact you once he's ready to talk and is feeling a little better. I've been through this myself. I pushed just as you did. It really didn't get me anywhere except for being pushed away even further.
Author SLEEPLESS IN NJ Posted April 17, 2007 Author Posted April 17, 2007 Thanks guys I really dont know what I would do without you!! All I know is that I cant keep thinking that he is doing whatever the hell he wants … fully knowing that I’ll be there waiting … and basically moping around until he decides to come back when he’s “ready”!! Im not going to be a door mate for anyone!! I dont care anymore...I wont call him.....you guys have to be right....all of you are saying the same thing.....I'll keep you posted...
Author SLEEPLESS IN NJ Posted April 18, 2007 Author Posted April 18, 2007 Ok so today I'm not at strong SOMEONE...ANYONE HELP!!! I want to call him, its been too long. It seems like it doesn’t matter to him, if he really gave a **** he would of explained/called/texted or came to see me by now....right????? I dont know what to do all I know is that I want some closure.....I cant take this its making me nuts!!!
Ssheena Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 Hon, it's over. You aren't going to get what you want by calling him or texting him or emailing him. You really aren't. By not contacting you he is sending you a message loud and clear. What will it take for you to get closure? Make it for yourself or you are (imho) going to get closure of the sort where it is very, very, very clear. As in leave me alone you stupid beotch. I don't love you anymore. I don't want to talk to you anymore. Just go away and leave me alone and try and find some self-respect. I'm sorry to be blunt but you HAVE to get it. There is absolutely nothing you can do or say that is going to change how he feels. IF, and that is a BIG IF, any changes are to be made they will come from his side and I doubt they will. Do you really want to get into another fight with him? Be called every name in the book? Why did you tolerate him calling you all those names? Dig deep and let it go. Don't stoop to his level and don't call him.
Author SLEEPLESS IN NJ Posted April 18, 2007 Author Posted April 18, 2007 Hon, it's over. You aren't going to get what you want by calling him or texting him or emailing him. You really aren't. By not contacting you he is sending you a message loud and clear. What will it take for you to get closure? Make it for yourself or you are (imho) going to get closure of the sort where it is very, very, very clear. As in leave me alone you stupid beotch. I don't love you anymore. I don't want to talk to you anymore. Just go away and leave me alone and try and find some self-respect. I'm sorry to be blunt but you HAVE to get it. There is absolutely nothing you can do or say that is going to change how he feels. IF, and that is a BIG IF, any changes are to be made they will come from his side and I doubt they will. Do you really want to get into another fight with him? Be called every name in the book? Why did you tolerate him calling you all those names? Dig deep and let it go. Don't stoop to his level and don't call him. I dont know what to say to that....maybe you are right I dont want to get into another fight with him but I did deserve to be called every name in the book I lied and I was wrong he was upset I understand that. I'm just not ready to give up on him...maybe Im dumb and need it spelled out for me I dont know...I can't keep my mind off of anything but him...I miss him so much I just want to rip him out of my dreams, hold him tight in my arms, and never let go of him...but I'm starting to feel like that will never happen.... :mad:
katiebour Posted April 21, 2007 Posted April 21, 2007 Sleepless, You can't force someone to love you. You can't keep a relationship going all by yourself. You can't make them come back by sheer force of will. There are so many people here who wish they could. Get "How to Survive the Loss of a Love" by Peter McWilliams and Harold H. Bloomfield. That little green book saved me, and I don't actually own it right now since I gave it to a grieving co-worker suffering a breakup. Accept that the relationship is over. Post here, cry, write poetry, take long baths, treat yourself gently, cry, go on booty call dates, cry, whatever it takes. For now the message he has given you is: "I don't know what I want, but right now I don't want you." Accept that and grieve. Someday you'll feel better, I promise. It just takes time.
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